Sometimes I hate the fact that I'm Chinese

I went to see my doctor yesterday to sort out my mental health issues- yeah, if you haven't figured out from this blog, I get too depressed too often and I seem to have no control over my mood. Got some blood work done, and a part of me hopes it's just hypothyroidism (my thyroid hormone levels being too low), because that can lead to depressive symptoms, and it means I don't have "real", cause-unknown depression. Not that I get depressed when my parents aren't around... like I said, I just feel "flat", but when my parents are around I actually feel "bad".

Anyway I finally got over the irony of "what's the point of med school if you can't even treat yourself". I think a part of it is recognizing that right now, I'm so sick I literally can't help myself, but I can go find help instead of sitting in a room fantasizing about carving the flesh out of my arms. As I was ranting to my doctor about various things, he remarked, "you're not very Chinese despite being Chinese", and I think he saw that as a major point of conflict between my parents and I.

Yeah, it's true though. I know what he means- even though I was born in China and lived a good part of my childhood there, I resented so many parts of Chinese culture. Mostly the blatant sexism- I don't just mean the "girls don't need to be educated because they're gonna marry and have kids", I also mean shit like "you're a boy so I can beat the shit out of you as part of your discipline", and "you're a boy so you have to work hard and be good at everything because you're expected to provide for a girl whose grades are terrible, who can't hold a job but whew they've got those nice child-bearing hips for progeny". It's such a toxic environment and it's so deeply ingrained into the culture that I reject it. I reject it entirely. I also hate the whole Confucian bullshit- Confucius was revered because he preached loyalty- loyalty to your emperor, to your elders, to your husband. Well, loyalty and obedience. See I'm okay with the loyalty part, but I think obedience is bullshit. I'm passive by nature (by that I mean, I don't go out looking for fights and challenges) but it doesn't mean I enjoy submission. I'm not some beta, middle-of-the-pack dog, I'm alpha wolf and I'll destroy someone to make my point.

Which is what I've come to, right. I've completely wrecked any family-dynamic we might've had, and because of my refusal to "serve my role", here-we-fucking-are. I resented myself for a while, because I went to med school after all- and it feels like I've lost the war. Then it was a struggle to "accept", that this is where I am, and it was actually the logical, sensible choice, and it took me so, so long to overcome my hatred for my course and the subjects I studied. Now, I enjoy myself. I enjoy learning and I no longer feel ashamed to be here. Hear that, I was once ashamed to be in medical school. Because I KNOW I went "because Dad made me", and I didn't want to admit that I didn't have enough of a fucking spine to stand up for myself, because I took the easy way out as always, and couldn't bear the thought of working my way through to find what I wanted in life.

That's okay now. It's all turned out fine, and I enjoy medicine. This is where, if I had a happy ending, I run back to my father in tears and say, "wow you were right, thank you for your wisdom, I'm so glad you forced me to do all those things I didn't want to do and it was all worth it".

But something went wrong, and our happy ending never arrived. Instead I'm bitter, resentful, depressed and occasionally suicidal. I don't feel gratitude towards my father. At all. Not one bit. It's disgust and it's visceral. Apparently bottling your unresolved feelings and "moving on with life" doesn't always work out, and all that negativity I've decided to swallow didn't just dissipate with time. No, instead it fermented, and each and every time my parents provoked me, it GREW. It grew like an ugly tumor feeding off my frustrations and their incompetence, to this moment where I hate myself but I hate them more, I hate them for who I've become and I hate them for the hate.

And you know it's terrible, because in Chinese culture nothing is more important than "family". You sacrifice everything for "family". I'm not very Chinese, but I AM Chinese. It feels fucking terrible that I've been coded to love my family. And because I love, it hurts more every time they disappoint and it hurts more every time they reject me and my accomplishments. I don't know if it's possible to love and hate someone at the same time, but it feels so UNFAIR when your own family puts you through so much strife. Nothing gets to me more, than seeing another family who is well adjusted, who goes out for family activities, or they just seem to care for each other and willing to accept, and stand up for each other.

Then again, life isn't fair. I've always known that, and I've always said that. I already have so many things other people can only dream of, so maybe this balances things out. If everything goes too smoothly, I probably wouldn't appreciate things enough. I am that kind of shitty person, anyway. Never realize what I've had until I've lost it all. So maybe now's the time to appreciate the fact that my parents are still alive and all, and someday I'll probably wish they were still around to drive me to insanity.