My Internet is Sooooo SLOW

I'm just sitting in front of my laptop being generally agitated because of how slow the network here is. I can't stand it. I just wanna play games, man.

Yeah, gaming is slowly ruining my life. I'm falling behind on all kinds of work, but I don't even care. I come home exhausted, play a few games, wake up early the next morning and repeat. I don't even feel like I do much right now, but it's just... tiring for no good reason.

It's been so long since I've had internet so shit that I needed to wait for youtube to buffer. I know it seems like a mundane complaint, but having slow internet speed is similar to being stuck in traffic for ages. You creep forward little by little, but you can't really feel the progress and if you ever do get to where you need to be, you're in a foul mood.

I seriously just want a couple of days where I can wake up, eat, play games, eat more, go to bed, and not think about all my responsibilities and obligations. Some people call that "holidays", but my holidays are constantly ruined by various things. Sometimes it's the small things that eat up my time- like how I had to go grocery shopping, how I had to do laundry, fold clothes, vacuum the carpet. I'm not the kind of person who's suited to housekeeping, but at the same time, I refuse to live like a slob. I know it'd be typical for the 20 something year old uni student- but I feel like if I end up disheveled and disorganized, then I've lost somehow.

Not that I'm particularly well-organized to start with, but I hate having expected things come my way. My adaptability is pretty good, but sometimes you have to prepare to adapt. Then sometimes it's like someone pushed you over and you stepped on a hot steamy turd. Yeah it's only the bottom of your shoe, you're mostly fine, but then every step you take afterwards you're reminded, and the stink trails behind you where ever you go.

I can't stay everything's too overwhelming at the moment, because it really isn't. I've got this sense of security where I believe everything is still under control. At the same time, I am just tired, and I guess I'm in a mood where I just want to whinge for a bit and wallow in self-pity for a little while. It's not productive, I know, but I'm in the mood for it.

I guess I'll be better by tomorrow. Can't make the same promises about my shitty internet though (seriously TPG is the worst ISP I swear to God)

Sometimes I hate the fact that I'm Chinese

I went to see my doctor yesterday to sort out my mental health issues- yeah, if you haven't figured out from this blog, I get too depressed too often and I seem to have no control over my mood. Got some blood work done, and a part of me hopes it's just hypothyroidism (my thyroid hormone levels being too low), because that can lead to depressive symptoms, and it means I don't have "real", cause-unknown depression. Not that I get depressed when my parents aren't around... like I said, I just feel "flat", but when my parents are around I actually feel "bad".

Anyway I finally got over the irony of "what's the point of med school if you can't even treat yourself". I think a part of it is recognizing that right now, I'm so sick I literally can't help myself, but I can go find help instead of sitting in a room fantasizing about carving the flesh out of my arms. As I was ranting to my doctor about various things, he remarked, "you're not very Chinese despite being Chinese", and I think he saw that as a major point of conflict between my parents and I.

Yeah, it's true though. I know what he means- even though I was born in China and lived a good part of my childhood there, I resented so many parts of Chinese culture. Mostly the blatant sexism- I don't just mean the "girls don't need to be educated because they're gonna marry and have kids", I also mean shit like "you're a boy so I can beat the shit out of you as part of your discipline", and "you're a boy so you have to work hard and be good at everything because you're expected to provide for a girl whose grades are terrible, who can't hold a job but whew they've got those nice child-bearing hips for progeny". It's such a toxic environment and it's so deeply ingrained into the culture that I reject it. I reject it entirely. I also hate the whole Confucian bullshit- Confucius was revered because he preached loyalty- loyalty to your emperor, to your elders, to your husband. Well, loyalty and obedience. See I'm okay with the loyalty part, but I think obedience is bullshit. I'm passive by nature (by that I mean, I don't go out looking for fights and challenges) but it doesn't mean I enjoy submission. I'm not some beta, middle-of-the-pack dog, I'm alpha wolf and I'll destroy someone to make my point.

Which is what I've come to, right. I've completely wrecked any family-dynamic we might've had, and because of my refusal to "serve my role", here-we-fucking-are. I resented myself for a while, because I went to med school after all- and it feels like I've lost the war. Then it was a struggle to "accept", that this is where I am, and it was actually the logical, sensible choice, and it took me so, so long to overcome my hatred for my course and the subjects I studied. Now, I enjoy myself. I enjoy learning and I no longer feel ashamed to be here. Hear that, I was once ashamed to be in medical school. Because I KNOW I went "because Dad made me", and I didn't want to admit that I didn't have enough of a fucking spine to stand up for myself, because I took the easy way out as always, and couldn't bear the thought of working my way through to find what I wanted in life.

That's okay now. It's all turned out fine, and I enjoy medicine. This is where, if I had a happy ending, I run back to my father in tears and say, "wow you were right, thank you for your wisdom, I'm so glad you forced me to do all those things I didn't want to do and it was all worth it".

But something went wrong, and our happy ending never arrived. Instead I'm bitter, resentful, depressed and occasionally suicidal. I don't feel gratitude towards my father. At all. Not one bit. It's disgust and it's visceral. Apparently bottling your unresolved feelings and "moving on with life" doesn't always work out, and all that negativity I've decided to swallow didn't just dissipate with time. No, instead it fermented, and each and every time my parents provoked me, it GREW. It grew like an ugly tumor feeding off my frustrations and their incompetence, to this moment where I hate myself but I hate them more, I hate them for who I've become and I hate them for the hate.

And you know it's terrible, because in Chinese culture nothing is more important than "family". You sacrifice everything for "family". I'm not very Chinese, but I AM Chinese. It feels fucking terrible that I've been coded to love my family. And because I love, it hurts more every time they disappoint and it hurts more every time they reject me and my accomplishments. I don't know if it's possible to love and hate someone at the same time, but it feels so UNFAIR when your own family puts you through so much strife. Nothing gets to me more, than seeing another family who is well adjusted, who goes out for family activities, or they just seem to care for each other and willing to accept, and stand up for each other.

Then again, life isn't fair. I've always known that, and I've always said that. I already have so many things other people can only dream of, so maybe this balances things out. If everything goes too smoothly, I probably wouldn't appreciate things enough. I am that kind of shitty person, anyway. Never realize what I've had until I've lost it all. So maybe now's the time to appreciate the fact that my parents are still alive and all, and someday I'll probably wish they were still around to drive me to insanity.

R-chord

Today I discovered an artist called R-chord while browsing YouTube, and I'm in love with his music already. I listened to a few songs, then purchased the entire album on iTunes because I realized I would be playing those songs over and over in the next while. 

The style of this artist is very different to the kind of music I usually listen to. I prefer ballad and lyrical stuff, but his songs remind me of the rebellious youth I've never had. I always wondered if I'd turn out to be the classic "bad boy" if I was allowed to do as I pleased in childhood. My discipline when I was young was heavily focused on sitting still and being quiet. I was endlessly praised for the fact that I could sit still for 2 hours or something... and I blame my current state of health on that. Sitting that long is really bad, yo. They say sitting is the new smoking, and man I wish it weren't so. 

I feel like I spend a lot of time lamenting my youth despite being only 21. Probably because my high school years were dog-shit, I was depressed without knowing I was depressed, and then college came and then I was stressed but happy at school and stressed and borderline suicidal at "home". I owe a lot of who I am and what I have achieved to my parents, but they definitely gave me enough mental illness to last a lifetime. Too bad they keep upping the ante every time I go visit them- as if then I'd grow into the child they wished I was.

I was talking to my friend the other day, about how sometimes I don't feel like I exist. I have no idea how I got where I am in life, and I have no idea how I keep on doing what I do. It's as if I'm looking at someone else. Then there's the whole thing where my parents don't actually see me as the person I am, they see me as who they want me to be--- and it's literally just NOT-ME. So I fought with them and fought with them, struggling to be seen, thinking that they were happier with their imagination, and that they imagined someone else to replace me. Then it hit that no, they were literally seeing what they wanted to see, there is no duplicate, there's just me, but they're like... superimposing all these attributes on me. I wasn't that, but they'd insist I was. 

I'm being really vague and confusing again, aren't I? I don't know how to elaborate without experiencing another episode of total heartbreak. It hurts, so excuse my vagueness, yeah?

Back to music- R-chord's "This Is the Last Time" is actually super emotive and hit me right in the feels. Apparently he wrote it when he was 16. Fuck when I was 16, all I did was write shitty, depressive poetry. I had a good friend at the time (who I regrettably no longer talk to), and we would share poems with each other and give each other themes to write about. We were so pretentious, heh. It was so good though, being able to vent in a really convoluted way, have him "analyze" my "poetry" and come to the conclusion of "oh, this is what's bothering you".

I've always liked to play those games. Some people hate it- they want the world to be straightforward without all the strange social rituals and sentences with multiple interpretations. I wish the same sometimes, too. Other times, I revel in our complexity, I thoroughly enjoy the fact that there are so many intricacies to social interactions and so many unspoken rules. It's a pain uncovering them all, and when you get hurt it feels super unfair, because you didn't even know what game you were playing, and someone tells you you've lost. 

That's probably why I like R-chord's songs so much. He seems to convey this feeling of "I don't care what these rules are, I'll break through them all. I don't understand the game, but I'm going to be me, and I'll take on the world that way". It's totally not my style and can seem quite reckless and dumb, but it's the sort of courage and spirit I sometimes I wish I had, and definitely admire.

Mirror

When I look in the mirror, I don't really recognize the person looking back at me.

I sometimes mistake them for a stranger, and I'm surprised that they're copying me.

I think it's because, when I look in the mirror, what I expect to see

Is a different me.

I expect to see who I should be.

And that has made all the difference.

Prostitution

Yesterday was International Women's Day, and, well, my good friend's birthday. We didn't get to go out and celebrate, which I regret, but maybe I'll text him later and let him know. This post, however, is going to be centered on all that is undignified when it comes to the topic of "prostitution" and once again I want to go over how pervasive and subversive sexism is in our society, and basically I'm just in the mood for a long rant.

Firstly, what the fuck is society's deal with shaming prostitutes. Why is there so much GRIEF and GUILT attached to selling your body for money. Firstly, let's look at the group of people who WILLINGLY prostitute themselves. Maybe they can choose another job, they wouldn't starve and die without the money- but they rather make money by having sex with others. I'm positive that these people exist. Perhaps I am being too 2-dimensional, but to me there is nothing inherently wrong with consenting adults engaging in sexual activity, even if it is for an amount of money. Like, if they're competent to make their own choices, then it's whatever. From a public health stand-point, it's probably not a good thing to have sex with very many different people, because that's how STDs spread- but that's not a moral issue, is it. It's more like, health advice, and with correct protection it's less of an issue.

There's this perception that having sex makes you dirty. Really, it's more of a double standard- you're only dirty if you've had sex with multiple men. If you've had sex with multiple women, it's because you're attractive and you have a great personality and you're a player. If you sleep with multiple men- you're apparently a low-life and you should be fucking ashamed of it. Then we create this strange scenario, where men sort of actively seek out sex, and women are taught to "preserve" themselves. Then if you're like, homosexual or bisexual or whatever, you're just out of the picture because you're not straight, and there'll be someone around to give you grief for that.

At this point I'd just like to point out that VIRGINITY IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT and if you want to be valued for more than your sexuality, you gotta get over it. I mean, our sexuality is part of who we are, so we shouldn't ignore or deny it (I think), but it's bullshit and unfair to tie our entire self-worth to JUST that. I was learning about child abuse and someone offhandedly mentioned that it was SUCH  a relief for the family of the victim, to see that their young daughter's hymen was still intact, after she'd been sexually assaulted. Now THAT, made me feel all gross and dirty on the inside. Like, I get it! I'm Chinese, raised in Chinese culture. Modesty is nice, but modesty is another way of describing "female oppression" in Chinese. You gotta stay a virgin, stay "clean" for your husband, but there's nothing like that for the guy. If you lose your virginity, you're "damaged goods" and you're infinitely harder to marry off and basically it's like, "you are now worth less".

That sounds archaic and messed up, yeah? Well, it's still a modern belief. Girls are still being told, today, not to "mess around" because they'll regret it and then they'll be damaged later. Now, conservative Chinese culture doesn't believe in psychology- they're not talking about the psychological damage of a break up or "feeling" used, they're talking about how because a penis once entered your vagina, or because people THINK a penis once entered your vagina, it's now okay for people to shame you for it. I bring up the Chinese context because I grew up in that culture, but if you think it's exclusively Chinese, you are so, so wrong. Before you say, "Japan and Korea are pretty similar to China"--- I'm not even talking about just the East Asian countries. I mean ALL OVER THE FUCKING WORLD, THIS IS HOW PEOPLE THINK. I don't know why it's such a universal trend to oppress women. It blows my fucking mind.

Like, if you ever want to read world literature, over and over again, whichever culture you look at, female oppression is ALWAYS a theme. At first I thought it was weird- what a nasty subject to repeat in these books. I always thought that my teacher picked them for that theme--- then I realized---it wasn't that they were picked for this alone, it was that sexism was a prevalent factor in the history of nearly all modern societies, and everywhere you go, you'll see it.

So what I'm trying to say is- virginity may be important for personal reasons, but whether or not you are a virgin should NOT be a factor in your value as a person. The stuff we should be condemning people for are cruelty to other humans, denial of climate change, wanting to start another war--- not whether or not someone has a ruptured hymen or whether they bled enough on their wedding night.

My original point about prostitution- I'm saying that it's O.K. Exploitation of vulnerable people and sex workers is NOT, but the thought that someone might be WILLING to have sex for a bit of money, is certainly FINE. You might make a point that "most people wouldn't do that if they had a choice", and thus it's a dirty profession, because if you end there you're at your lowest point of life. Well, people have done FAR WORSE when they are NOT at their worst in life. Remember how the banks fucked over the economy in America, and that effect rippled across the globe? What was that for? Money. Remember how wars were started, and people died, for the most mundane reasons? Doesn't matter, we hail our soldiers as heroes, but we are going to give desperate people a hard time, because they need to blow some guy to pay for next month's rent.

Most people would agree that sex is a HUUUUGE part of human nature. It's how we propagate our race, after all. Maybe some day we'll achieve a Brave New World, where sex and reproduction are separated- but for something so important to so many people, we don't talk about it and we don't think about it. Well, we think about the actual act of sex, that's a given. But the implications of sex, the topics surrounding the sexual acts, is something we're weirdly uncomfortable with. Sex is fun, sex is great, but sex is dirty and sex is disgusting.

Sex is personal and private, but everyone is allowed to gossip. Sex is only physical, but lovers will still want sex to be a part of their lives. Sex is good for men but bad for women, but women MUST have sex as their "reproductive duty" and men- well men are men so they are expected to be wanting sex all the time.

None of this makes any sense and it triggers a sense of disgust for me on a visceral level. What does it take, to remember that someone is human. It takes a LOT of optimism- and maybe you'd call it faith at this point- to see someone for their potential. What they COULD become- but it doesn't take much to see someone for more than their sexuality. Maybe someone is a sex worker and they also kill puppies- then yeah they're a terrible person- but not because they have a lot of sex. It's not hard to understand, is it?

Sometimes I think it'd be so much easier to just ignore all the sexism around me, like so many before me have done. Pretend it's ok to treat women are inferior beings, or just go ahead and deny it like everyone else. But if I did that, THAT'S what would mark me as a bad person, and THAT'S exploitation. I'd need far less empathy and a non-functional sense of morality before I could succumb to those things. I pride myself for being a thinker, and I'm glad I think about how fucked up our societal structure is- because we can only change the flaws we recognize.

Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras

I went to the Mardi Gras for the first time, and woah the crowd was waaay too much to handle. I found it amusing that there were people selling plastic stools for others to stand on, so that they could see the parade. I wish I had that kind of business sense in me.

It's such a privilege to live in a country where we're liberal enough to have a celebration of our differences in gender and sexuality. Well, Australia's still very behind on the matter of marriage equality, but the silver lining is we're no longer criminalizing homosexuality or officially regarding it as a mental disorder. There are many countries for which these issues are still present, and any deviation in what is regarded as "normal" gender or sexual expression is deemed a moral corruption.

Actually I was on Reddit last night and read a thread where China apparently banned the showing of cleavage on TV. I thought it was hilarious, then I remembered how I'm Chinese but totally not proud of it. People on Mainland must hate me, having grown up in the Western world with my Western ideals and Western privileges- but fuck it I wouldn't want to go back to the world of misogynistic oppression and authoritarian rule. And like, they banned showing cleavage on TV. What the fuck do the Chinese who are stuck in China even live for.

It was a good day, yesterday, Hanging out with friends, good food, and just... Sydney, in general. Then on my way home I get a phone call from my mother, who demands to know what I mean when I said I was at a "parade". She didn't know what the Mardi Gras was, and was thoroughly disgusted when I told her it was a celebration of gay pride. Hahah it's weird how I just "forgot" about her conservatism and I can't even find enough effort to lie to my parents now. My mother said she wished I didn't go, and she doesn't want me to be associated with "those people" - then I reminded her, that really, I was one of "those people". That naturally upset her further, and I could hear her distress over the phone. At that point I basically said, if you don't ask, I won't tell, and then we're both happy. If you don't want to hear about my "sins", why don't you just stop asking? Goddamn.

Of course you'd want to ask me, why do you have to answer? But do you remember back in primary school, when there'd be that one annoying kid who followed you around and kept on asking you stupid fucking things, and when you tried to gave them the "silent treatment" it never worked? Then when you've finally had enough of their shit, they cry and tell the teacher and you're in for another load of it. No? Maybe it's just me then. But yeah that's how my parents behave. Like immature children who won't accept an answer they don't want to hear.

To be honest, it sucks when the people who insist that they're the closest in your life constantly try to fuck your world up. I've stopped trusting my parents so long ago, and I pretty much expect abuse- so it's weird to me when someone says they'll unconditionally love their child, or I hear about how kids can just ask their parents for support- like it's normal. Wtf here I am trying to run and hide and just block them out of my life, and they keep on trying to creep back in because they "love" me and "care" about me. Yeah man, I'm sure you do. I don't fucking need your love, and that love comes with terms and conditions I don't want to accept. It's also packaged with the unattractive bundle of "emotional abuse" and "baseless accusations", as well as "the complete guilt-trip".

Like, nah, fuck that. Life is hard, let's not try and make it any harder.

Anyway, I went to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. I had a good time with friends.

First of Autumn

It's a beautiful day. Perfect temperature- I was so productive that I played piano AND vacuumed the house. Oh, and I cooked a healthy dinner. It's strange but I'm okay for now- I'm also getting fat and munching on strawberry bullets, but I guess that's fine too.

Work is overwhelming as usual, but I feel like I haven't even begun to taste the worst of it. Sometimes life can be so inexplicably shit, and I start crying in the middle of a railway station despite all the people around me. I'm nowhere near that depressing point, which is excellent. I wish I could exercise more, though.

I think I like the word "Fall" better than "Autumn". It's kind of romantic- when you think about the motion of falling. Well, I feel like I'm constantly falling, and it's dreadful at first, but then you think of it as a leaf falling- it doesn't just plummet to the ground with all the force of gravity, it kind of drifts and wavers in the wind, and it'll land eventually, where ever that may be.

It's all a cycle, isn't it. One day the leaves will grow from their branches, and I'll be alright, too. Right now, I should just enjoy the change of seasons (and get a flu vaccine before it's too late).