The Future is Now

I've figured it out- for reals this time. I spent so long being miserable, and I told myself it'd all end some day. I said- if I move out- if I get away, it would all work somehow. Then I hated school anyway and realized I'd actually sealed myself into studying for another 5 years- the only thing I was good at but something I was really sick of. "Once I graduate", I told myself, "once I graduate it'll be so good".

I realized though- that's not even going to work. Once I graduate I have to find a job, and I have to pass a million qualifying exams and I have to work 8am to 8pm for God knows how long until I make it out- but then surely I'll have it easy, right? But who knows maybe then I'll be so old I'd be depressed about my kids wanting to become coke dealers or something. Then you add up the cumulative years I've suffered, HOPING that it gets better and all of a sudden you realize it's not even worth it- because the years I have to live would be shorter than that.

Then there's that other thing- I don't even get a guarantee of this "years to go" thing. NO ONE has a guarantee for tomorrow. I actually never thought about it that way before- because I'm so young and generally healthy so it seems worth it to "invest" my time. Then I thought, if I get run over by a bus tomorrow, I would've lived my most recent memories in complete misery, I would regret all the things I didn't do and didn't have and it would just be totally shit.

That's when I figured- there is no promised happiness, nothing to look forward to. The future is NOW. If I want to be happy, I have to be happy NOW, because I could literally just die any time from whatever. Just because I stay sad for ages doesn't mean I can convert all my sad times into good times later on- it just means I need more time to make happier memories. I can't change the past, but every second of the present becomes the past, so that just adds to my theory that if I don't stay happy it's just going to be too late.

The moral of the story from my latest epiphany is: don't wait for the struggle to end, balance your tragic shitty life with bursts of joy here and there, and that can be your personal insurance against randomly dying.