I feel like I've been really active lately. In terms of social life, that is. I got pho again with a friend I haven't been able to catch up with for a while- it was one of those not-a-date nights that I quite enjoyed. We talked about stuff and I watched him struggle with his food- apparently he'd never had pho before and had no idea what it was. He wasn't too keen on the tripe in the pho, and I secretly found it hilarious he was trying to hide his discomfort so that I wouldn't feel bad.
Then I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time ever and tried a teishouku with karaage chicken- it's basically like this set meal thing with fried chicken. I have to say it was kind of disappointing- the karaage tasted like chicken schnitzel, the soy and sesame sauce tasted like Chinese medicine with salt and I'm 90% sure the miso soup WAS just salt and MSG- which I usually enjoy but only in moderation. I don't think I have a problem with Japanese food in general- I mean, I enjoy Asian food overall, I think it was just that restaurant which I found terribly disappointing. Then again my friends ordered different things and they seemed very satisfied, so I wonder if I'd be a lot happier if I ordered the udon noodle soup I was tempted by.
Today I went back to good ol' yum cha food- and that's when I realized it tasted "good" to me. I think my taste buds have been spoiled so badly everything that used to taste like heaven just register as "pretty good". The phrase I often use is "it's good but it's not the best thing ever" and right now I'm not sure what my standard of "the best thing ever" is. Anyway food was good- I ate egg tarts and wanted to eat more egg tarts, then felt guilty because I know egg tarts are practically just yolk and butter. It tasted so delicious though I felt like I could've eaten at least 10 without feeling sick.
Anyway I'm now blogging because on my other tab is my recently acquired 1400 page textbook which I'm supposed to read. A friendly older-student informed me that if I wanted to pass next year I need to know this book back to front- and since it's so long I've decided to start early because I'm slow and I heavily anticipating being bored to death by this oh-so-prestigious textbook. It's beautiful in its latest edition, for sure, but I just sort of see it and lose all motivation immediately. I still have a lot of work to sort out and that's all on track but stressful.
Oh speaking of that- I handed in another assignment thing early! Holy shit I'm on a roll- I swear I haven't had this kind of motivation since I did electronics back in high school. It was like- the day after the task was assigned, I finished the project. Did the editing the same night, handed it in the next day. It's actually so incredible it still feels a bit unreal. What if I just hallucinated doing work but in fact handed in blank papers... man that'd be really awkward. Though it's a new level of sadness reached if my hallucinations are about handing in work before the due date.
Then again I have woken up in tears from dreams about myself failing exams and such. I'm still working out my priorities in life- I'd like to say that I value love and friendship and that kind of thing, but truth is I have no one to love and my friends are really far away. The thing I feel like I have the most control over in my life is in fact my academic performance, which is why I feel I invest into that emotionally because then it's like a guaranteed return... sorta like, if you do the work then you can't fail so you can't be betrayed. Though even that isn't true because I've known people who failed the course who work harder than me and are definitely smarter than I am- and I'm 90% sure they just had a shitty day- coinciding with the exams.
See now the course of this conversation is just getting really depressing because it shows to you how little control I have over every aspect of my life and it's sorta like I'm treading on thin ice 24/7 and if I slip and break the ice I will freeze and drown despite wearing a life jacket.
Maybe the answer to life is to become a penguin. They survive pretty well, yeah? Or become a sea leopard because those fuckers eat penguins for breakfast.
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