I feel so absolutely terrible right now. I don't think I've been this sad in a while- ever since I moved out of home, I think, I don't remember feeling this bad. I was playing LoL with my friends, like I do most nights- and I just had an absolutely terrible game. To be honest I don't think that shitty game was my fault- sure we were losing slowly but you couldn't blame the whole game on me. Because this is the internet, and because we were losing, naturally my opponents started teasing. Rude, sure, but completely expected in a video game.
Then it happened again. IT FUCKING HAPPENED AGAIN. My friend, who I naturally assumed was on my side, made some shitty remark that just brought my world crashing down once more. I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS, AND MY LIFE IS SOMETHING I HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL OVER RIGHT NOW. Basically he dragged out something personal and threw it out there- yeah, nobody would've understood the meaning behind it, but it's a sore wound for me. Nobody else fucking understands because the pain is not theirs, they can't see it can't feel it so when it gets torn open on me nobody really knows or cares. BUT IT FUCKING HURTS. IT HURT THAT NIGHT I DECIDED TO GO TO MY YEAR 12 FORMAL, AND IT FUCKING HURTS NOW.
I remember clearly every time one of my "friends" screw me over in one way or another. This scenario isn't even new- I suck at LoL, my friend start giving me shit for being bad at the game, agreeing with the enemy team. Oh, that's the same guy who blamed me for giving his computer a virus, btw. It makes me so incredibly mad thinking about it now- and I know he won't even remember all this because he's absent-minded and has the memory of a goldfish. He'd probably say to me, "so what, it was so long ago and I didn't mean it". And yeah, sure, me being mad at the time and continuing to hold the grudge does nothing for our friendship, but I have problems forgiving and I admitted that a long time ago. We're still friends now, and we're friends now because I did learn how to forgive- but that's not the same thing as forgetting. No, I don't forget- I forgive you so we continue on like we always did, but I'll never trust you the same way and I don't expect shit from you.
I think LoL just brings out the worst in people, myself included. And I can't stand it- I won't let a game ruin the person I'm trying to be. I want friends, I NEED friends in this isolated shit-town that my second rate university is located in. Like HOOOOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS UNIVERSITY IS SO BAD. Transfer out- right? Yeah as if I'd fucking throw 2 years down the drain. I'm not repeating this bullshit at another school. But this is actually such a terrible university, I hate it so much. Maybe it's just this course, maybe it's just this year manager, maybe it's just these people--- maybe, maybe. I don't fucking know, but the net effect is I hate where I am and I need friends to get me through the day.
LoL brought me friends in a period of depression. It allowed me to meet people I don't think I would've come close to otherwise- but I can't go on like this. Being lonely is most definitely, I am certain, infinitely better than having friends that turn on you and make you feel like you're being bled dry.
Yeah, I did that thing again. You know, the thing where I'm so pissed off on the inside but I don't let it show and I don't tell anyone. I just demonstrate it in my actions, and people are caught so off-guard because they have no fucking idea what my problem is. Why am I suddenly acting this way? Am I throwing another one of my random tantrums? Maybe I'm just being tired- maybe I have PMS, who the fuck knows. It's a terrible habit, isn't it? Yet I always act this way... I don't want to talk about it, I just want to be angry, and I want people to know I'm angry. I don't explain why because I feel so insulted that people don't even know why I'm mad, despite having offended me greatly.
Reminds me of that time, April Fool's day, my 2 best friends decided to prank me. One guy called me after 12 and told me he was gay. He left me on speaker on the other end, so my other friend would hear the whole conversation. I knew it was April Fool's, but I didn't want to call out "hahah you're kidding right it's April Fool's". I can imagine how shitty it'd be if you're trying to open up to someone but they're not even taking you seriously, denying your problems even exist, showing that they don't want any part in it. So I did my best to be the good friend who found out his friend is gay. I listened, and I said some really touchy-feely things. Then an hour or so later it gets revealed as an April Fool's joke, and guess what, my best friend heard it all and was laughing in the background the whole time! How wonderful. Exactly what I wanted for my demonstration of empathy.
The consequences? I told the guy to go fuck himself and remained angry for about 2 weeks? He had NO FUCKING IDEA why I was mad at him, and he wasn't even sure if I was actually angry. I got over it eventually- and by "got over it" I mean we're still friends to this day, but that doesn't mean I don't feel like total shit when I recall that memory.That also doesn't mean I can treat him the way I would've treated him if none of this ever happened. There's a fundamental trust that's been broken and what that means I'll never take him seriously ever again. He could be telling me that his family just died and I'd have this thought at the back of my mind, "remember what happened last time he talked about shit like this?"
So yeah I feel really shit right now, and I deleted LoL from my computer. I won't go back and I don't need to go back- I have other games I can play, and I don't need all the shit I get from it. I'm feeling so fucking depressed right now it's not funny. I know it's not true but the only thing that's going through my mind right now is- we only let people into our lives so they can ruin us. And I don't want to be fucking ruined. I want someone who makes me feel legitimately happy and validated as a person, not just someone who's really terrible at their favorite character in LoL.
I'm going to bed. All I want in this life is to find ONE, ONE person who treats me the way I want to be treated.
I'm greedy, yeah.
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