Cannabis

I don't know if this is a shock for anyone else, or maybe I'm too sheltered these days, but like, 90% of my friends do weed. As in, that weirdass plant where the active ingredient is THC and it makes people feel good. The thing that's legal in some parts of the US and people are debating whether it should be allowed for medicinal purposes in Australia.

I have a lot of friends who take it as recreation.

Now then, I don't want to be a judgmental asshole, but the truth is, I am. And goddamn I judge these guys so hard. Like, wtf this shit is so bad for you, you don't even know. Nobody believes anything I say because I haven't tried it myself so how can I know how bad it is blah blah blah. What if I don't want to try because I don't want to get fucked over by it.

It's not that I didn't know my friends smoked weed. Some of them have done it since we were in high school. I was studying and solving maths problems and they were blazing it up with some older guy friends. But those were the people who I cut out of my life because they weren't the same as me, because I was keen on getting good grades and being a goody-two-shoes and they were too rebel for me. The moment I stopped trying to convince someone to quit also signified the moment I stopped giving a shit about them. Like, we were "friends" and all, fun times were still fun, but God forgive me if they ever become psychotic from an overdose or develop a mental illness from weed, they're fucking on their own. I sort of imagine it as one of those "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO" moments where I'll be really triumphant that I was right all the time, that weed is fucking terrible for you.

But that's not really the kind of person I am.

As strange as it may seem, given my personality, there are times in life where I don't want to win and I don't want to be right. I want what my pot-head friends say to be true:
It isn't even bad for you,
Please marijuana is so much better than alcohol or smoking,
It's decriminalized so there's no problem,
You know it's used for patients so it's safe,
You're just biased because of the media

Just because I want some things to be true doesn't mean I actually believe in it. It's hard to admit that I care for some of these people and I don't care that "it's not that bad for you", I don't want to see that one person singled out by statistics being driven to insanity by the mental disorders they develop.

The thing that prompted all this, all of a sudden- well, I had started to become interested in a particular person. I won't call it a crush, it's not that bad, but I felt very positive about them and my imagination runs away on its own. It was bad enough that I threw them a casual curve-ball question about whether they were seeing anyone, and I cannot deny that I was a bit happy when they admitted that they were single. It's rare to find someone who's good looking and decent in personality.

Then they admitted that they take weed and I think my expression must've become something very hideous. There was an awkward moment where they tried to defend it: "come on all the smart kids and cool kids do it. I know so many people with a 99 ATAR who take it". I feel bad that I made them panic so badly, but these excuses are terrible. My ATAR wasn't that low, and I know what a 99 ATAR entails- it gives no indication on how "smart" a person is, let alone how "cool" they are. If you had a 99 ATAR you probably went to a good school and you probably studied really hard. That's all I can say. What does smoking weed have to do with anything?

Later tonight a close friend came over and we were chatting tangentially about... a bit of everything. I brought up what had happened today because it distressed me greatly, then my friend admitted to me he had tried weed once, it wasn't that bad. I don't know how to describe it in truth, but it kind of knocked me sideways. No, I'm not that naive, but I didn't think he would be the kind of person who did that. Though when I think about it, maybe it's not so much of a surprise that he'd try after all. What more can I say? Why should I fault him for trying some foreign substance that's been hyped up?

He asked me not to judge him, and it's very hard not to when I'm so morally opposed. And no, don't give me some random bullshit about "but patients with cancer are suff---" NO FUCK OFF THIS ISN'T ABOUT THAT. WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT TERMINALLY ILL PATIENTS. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MY FRIENDS, WHO ARE IN THEIR EARLY TWENTIES, DOING WEED BECAUSE THEY THINK IT'S FUN/COOL/SOCIABLE. AND IT'S SO, FUCKING, DUMB.

Because that was my close friend who I am very forthright with and speak with about a lot of things, I told him how I felt. I said I was disappointed and slightly disgusted. He looked a bit hurt and said my words were a bit harsh- I guess yeah, they are. Except how I feel is how I feel, ya know? I don't like these kind of things and when stuff like this happens it distresses me a lot.

Right now I'm wondering if all my friends are retarded or if the problem in fact, lies on me. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm anal-retentive and have high standards and expectations of myself--- then I expect everybody else in my life to meet such standards when it's simply not feasible. No, it's hardly fair to judge everyone by my personal moral standards- just because I won't do something doesn't mean other people can't. It's a free world, after all, and people choose what they choose. They're not harming anyone else, right...

BUT THEY'RE HARMING THEMSELVES AND THAT MAKES ME MAD. And sad. Sad after I get tired of being mad. I swear to God they're all delusional about weed not being that bad. They want to believe what they want to believe, and they think if they repeat it enough times to enough people it'll eventually become reality.

So in the end I believe the solution to my problem is to forget that all this happened. I think my friends understand that I don't approve of their drug habits and I'm aware that they try not to talk about these things in front of me. I think it's better that way, otherwise I'll rage again when I hear about how weed has no harmful effects. I really can't expect people to be exactly how I want them to be, and really when I think about it, I only ever need one person in my life who's up to my standards, and that'll make me happy enough. I can't really mark this down as a "lifestyle choice" kind of thing, but in the end that's what it is, isn't it? I should get off my moral high horse once in a while.

Truth is, I AM disappointed and slightly disgusted by my friends, but I think it's probably me who needs to get over that. The world isn't going to change for me any time soon, and I guess in the end I don't really need it to. I'm such a selfish person, after all. It would be best if I could keep myself happy, and everyone else can go figure out their own lives.

Then in the end, we're still friends and we can still have fun together.