School started today- drove for like 5 hours the day before yesterday so I could make it up here in time. Unpacked and all that- room's already a mess because I cbf doing it properly. My new room is much, much nicer than the shit-ass place I rented last year- so far 0 cockroach sightings, no smell for century-old dust, house is still old but quiet, and no creepy-ass landlord to catch me at every turn and hound me for my time.
Look, I feel sorry for the guy, and I guess he's kinda lonely, but I don't really feel like having a deep and meaningful relationship with the landlord. I guess he was nice and easy-going, but it wasn't like I caused him much trouble anyway. I hope he's ok since his dog died before I left, and naturally that made him way sad.
Uh so first day of school was pretty shit- good to see familiar faces but I feel bad I still don't know some people's names even though I've seen them around heaps. I guess it's still ok in the end- I've found some people who I'm pretty alright hanging out with- it's not like we'll ever be that close but we're on good terms and hang out when we feel lonely. That's probably what anyone ever asks for anyway. I guess I've just spent all my good luck with meeting people back in college.
I kinda need to start working already- because there's a lot of stuff to revise- we don't really start over again, it's sort of just picking up where you left off last year even though you've already had the exams. I don't really wanna be doing that and I just wanna sorta... hide? for a bit. I was getting really sick of work back down south but I don't think I was prepared to go back to school.
On the other hand I bought myself some cute exercise books and new highlighters (it's a total waste of money because I just forgot to bring highlighters up and in fact I still have one in my pencil case...) But I also bought myself a new art pad and I'm drawing again already, which is really good. I can already see massive improvements in my art and I'm really happy that I'm making progress even though I'm like 20 and far too old to be getting good at art now. I guess if you just do enough of one thing you'll get better eventually. It's probably because I don't stress that I have really talented friends who draw better than me or w/e. I just do my own thing and develop my own style and that keeps me happy with my art.
Anyway, it's a new year and I have to keep trudging along. I heard that this year was the hardest year, but honestly it didn't sound too bad from the introductory lectures I got today. I should probably study now, but I'll see how I feel after a game of LoL.
Take care.
Monday, 19 January 2015
Tuesday, 13 January 2015
Cannabis
I don't know if this is a shock for anyone else, or maybe I'm too sheltered these days, but like, 90% of my friends do weed. As in, that weirdass plant where the active ingredient is THC and it makes people feel good. The thing that's legal in some parts of the US and people are debating whether it should be allowed for medicinal purposes in Australia.
I have a lot of friends who take it as recreation.
Now then, I don't want to be a judgmental asshole, but the truth is, I am. And goddamn I judge these guys so hard. Like, wtf this shit is so bad for you, you don't even know. Nobody believes anything I say because I haven't tried it myself so how can I know how bad it is blah blah blah. What if I don't want to try because I don't want to get fucked over by it.
It's not that I didn't know my friends smoked weed. Some of them have done it since we were in high school. I was studying and solving maths problems and they were blazing it up with some older guy friends. But those were the people who I cut out of my life because they weren't the same as me, because I was keen on getting good grades and being a goody-two-shoes and they were too rebel for me. The moment I stopped trying to convince someone to quit also signified the moment I stopped giving a shit about them. Like, we were "friends" and all, fun times were still fun, but God forgive me if they ever become psychotic from an overdose or develop a mental illness from weed, they're fucking on their own. I sort of imagine it as one of those "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO" moments where I'll be really triumphant that I was right all the time, that weed is fucking terrible for you.
But that's not really the kind of person I am.
As strange as it may seem, given my personality, there are times in life where I don't want to win and I don't want to be right. I want what my pot-head friends say to be true:
It isn't even bad for you,
Please marijuana is so much better than alcohol or smoking,
It's decriminalized so there's no problem,
You know it's used for patients so it's safe,
You're just biased because of the media
Just because I want some things to be true doesn't mean I actually believe in it. It's hard to admit that I care for some of these people and I don't care that "it's not that bad for you", I don't want to see that one person singled out by statistics being driven to insanity by the mental disorders they develop.
The thing that prompted all this, all of a sudden- well, I had started to become interested in a particular person. I won't call it a crush, it's not that bad, but I felt very positive about them and my imagination runs away on its own. It was bad enough that I threw them a casual curve-ball question about whether they were seeing anyone, and I cannot deny that I was a bit happy when they admitted that they were single. It's rare to find someone who's good looking and decent in personality.
Then they admitted that they take weed and I think my expression must've become something very hideous. There was an awkward moment where they tried to defend it: "come on all the smart kids and cool kids do it. I know so many people with a 99 ATAR who take it". I feel bad that I made them panic so badly, but these excuses are terrible. My ATAR wasn't that low, and I know what a 99 ATAR entails- it gives no indication on how "smart" a person is, let alone how "cool" they are. If you had a 99 ATAR you probably went to a good school and you probably studied really hard. That's all I can say. What does smoking weed have to do with anything?
Later tonight a close friend came over and we were chatting tangentially about... a bit of everything. I brought up what had happened today because it distressed me greatly, then my friend admitted to me he had tried weed once, it wasn't that bad. I don't know how to describe it in truth, but it kind of knocked me sideways. No, I'm not that naive, but I didn't think he would be the kind of person who did that. Though when I think about it, maybe it's not so much of a surprise that he'd try after all. What more can I say? Why should I fault him for trying some foreign substance that's been hyped up?
He asked me not to judge him, and it's very hard not to when I'm so morally opposed. And no, don't give me some random bullshit about "but patients with cancer are suff---" NO FUCK OFF THIS ISN'T ABOUT THAT. WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT TERMINALLY ILL PATIENTS. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MY FRIENDS, WHO ARE IN THEIR EARLY TWENTIES, DOING WEED BECAUSE THEY THINK IT'S FUN/COOL/SOCIABLE. AND IT'S SO, FUCKING, DUMB.
Because that was my close friend who I am very forthright with and speak with about a lot of things, I told him how I felt. I said I was disappointed and slightly disgusted. He looked a bit hurt and said my words were a bit harsh- I guess yeah, they are. Except how I feel is how I feel, ya know? I don't like these kind of things and when stuff like this happens it distresses me a lot.
Right now I'm wondering if all my friends are retarded or if the problem in fact, lies on me. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm anal-retentive and have high standards and expectations of myself--- then I expect everybody else in my life to meet such standards when it's simply not feasible. No, it's hardly fair to judge everyone by my personal moral standards- just because I won't do something doesn't mean other people can't. It's a free world, after all, and people choose what they choose. They're not harming anyone else, right...
BUT THEY'RE HARMING THEMSELVES AND THAT MAKES ME MAD. And sad. Sad after I get tired of being mad. I swear to God they're all delusional about weed not being that bad. They want to believe what they want to believe, and they think if they repeat it enough times to enough people it'll eventually become reality.
So in the end I believe the solution to my problem is to forget that all this happened. I think my friends understand that I don't approve of their drug habits and I'm aware that they try not to talk about these things in front of me. I think it's better that way, otherwise I'll rage again when I hear about how weed has no harmful effects. I really can't expect people to be exactly how I want them to be, and really when I think about it, I only ever need one person in my life who's up to my standards, and that'll make me happy enough. I can't really mark this down as a "lifestyle choice" kind of thing, but in the end that's what it is, isn't it? I should get off my moral high horse once in a while.
Truth is, I AM disappointed and slightly disgusted by my friends, but I think it's probably me who needs to get over that. The world isn't going to change for me any time soon, and I guess in the end I don't really need it to. I'm such a selfish person, after all. It would be best if I could keep myself happy, and everyone else can go figure out their own lives.
Then in the end, we're still friends and we can still have fun together.
I have a lot of friends who take it as recreation.
Now then, I don't want to be a judgmental asshole, but the truth is, I am. And goddamn I judge these guys so hard. Like, wtf this shit is so bad for you, you don't even know. Nobody believes anything I say because I haven't tried it myself so how can I know how bad it is blah blah blah. What if I don't want to try because I don't want to get fucked over by it.
It's not that I didn't know my friends smoked weed. Some of them have done it since we were in high school. I was studying and solving maths problems and they were blazing it up with some older guy friends. But those were the people who I cut out of my life because they weren't the same as me, because I was keen on getting good grades and being a goody-two-shoes and they were too rebel for me. The moment I stopped trying to convince someone to quit also signified the moment I stopped giving a shit about them. Like, we were "friends" and all, fun times were still fun, but God forgive me if they ever become psychotic from an overdose or develop a mental illness from weed, they're fucking on their own. I sort of imagine it as one of those "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO" moments where I'll be really triumphant that I was right all the time, that weed is fucking terrible for you.
But that's not really the kind of person I am.
As strange as it may seem, given my personality, there are times in life where I don't want to win and I don't want to be right. I want what my pot-head friends say to be true:
It isn't even bad for you,
Please marijuana is so much better than alcohol or smoking,
It's decriminalized so there's no problem,
You know it's used for patients so it's safe,
You're just biased because of the media
Just because I want some things to be true doesn't mean I actually believe in it. It's hard to admit that I care for some of these people and I don't care that "it's not that bad for you", I don't want to see that one person singled out by statistics being driven to insanity by the mental disorders they develop.
The thing that prompted all this, all of a sudden- well, I had started to become interested in a particular person. I won't call it a crush, it's not that bad, but I felt very positive about them and my imagination runs away on its own. It was bad enough that I threw them a casual curve-ball question about whether they were seeing anyone, and I cannot deny that I was a bit happy when they admitted that they were single. It's rare to find someone who's good looking and decent in personality.
Then they admitted that they take weed and I think my expression must've become something very hideous. There was an awkward moment where they tried to defend it: "come on all the smart kids and cool kids do it. I know so many people with a 99 ATAR who take it". I feel bad that I made them panic so badly, but these excuses are terrible. My ATAR wasn't that low, and I know what a 99 ATAR entails- it gives no indication on how "smart" a person is, let alone how "cool" they are. If you had a 99 ATAR you probably went to a good school and you probably studied really hard. That's all I can say. What does smoking weed have to do with anything?
Later tonight a close friend came over and we were chatting tangentially about... a bit of everything. I brought up what had happened today because it distressed me greatly, then my friend admitted to me he had tried weed once, it wasn't that bad. I don't know how to describe it in truth, but it kind of knocked me sideways. No, I'm not that naive, but I didn't think he would be the kind of person who did that. Though when I think about it, maybe it's not so much of a surprise that he'd try after all. What more can I say? Why should I fault him for trying some foreign substance that's been hyped up?
He asked me not to judge him, and it's very hard not to when I'm so morally opposed. And no, don't give me some random bullshit about "but patients with cancer are suff---" NO FUCK OFF THIS ISN'T ABOUT THAT. WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT TERMINALLY ILL PATIENTS. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MY FRIENDS, WHO ARE IN THEIR EARLY TWENTIES, DOING WEED BECAUSE THEY THINK IT'S FUN/COOL/SOCIABLE. AND IT'S SO, FUCKING, DUMB.
Because that was my close friend who I am very forthright with and speak with about a lot of things, I told him how I felt. I said I was disappointed and slightly disgusted. He looked a bit hurt and said my words were a bit harsh- I guess yeah, they are. Except how I feel is how I feel, ya know? I don't like these kind of things and when stuff like this happens it distresses me a lot.
Right now I'm wondering if all my friends are retarded or if the problem in fact, lies on me. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm anal-retentive and have high standards and expectations of myself--- then I expect everybody else in my life to meet such standards when it's simply not feasible. No, it's hardly fair to judge everyone by my personal moral standards- just because I won't do something doesn't mean other people can't. It's a free world, after all, and people choose what they choose. They're not harming anyone else, right...
BUT THEY'RE HARMING THEMSELVES AND THAT MAKES ME MAD. And sad. Sad after I get tired of being mad. I swear to God they're all delusional about weed not being that bad. They want to believe what they want to believe, and they think if they repeat it enough times to enough people it'll eventually become reality.
So in the end I believe the solution to my problem is to forget that all this happened. I think my friends understand that I don't approve of their drug habits and I'm aware that they try not to talk about these things in front of me. I think it's better that way, otherwise I'll rage again when I hear about how weed has no harmful effects. I really can't expect people to be exactly how I want them to be, and really when I think about it, I only ever need one person in my life who's up to my standards, and that'll make me happy enough. I can't really mark this down as a "lifestyle choice" kind of thing, but in the end that's what it is, isn't it? I should get off my moral high horse once in a while.
Truth is, I AM disappointed and slightly disgusted by my friends, but I think it's probably me who needs to get over that. The world isn't going to change for me any time soon, and I guess in the end I don't really need it to. I'm such a selfish person, after all. It would be best if I could keep myself happy, and everyone else can go figure out their own lives.
Then in the end, we're still friends and we can still have fun together.
Thursday, 8 January 2015
Humidity
It's around 30 degrees and really humid and I kind of hate it. I don't like being cold but I really do hate humid weather. I walked around 20min to get to the orthodontist's today and got rekt by the heat. The appointment was like 5min and I'm not really sure it was worth.
It was super humid last night as well when I went out for karaoke (again). That was with a bunch of kids I haven't really hung out with before and I had a good time, not sure about them. We kinda just sang until our voices became hoarse. Then it was like 10pm and we were trying to get home and there were no buses... so that was fun. Well that's really a lie there was that one last bus of the day which brought me home, but then I had to walk like 20min in the dark at 11pm and at least I made it out without getting mugged or raped or mugged and then raped.
Also I ordered a suit off the internet and it arrived today. For my first suit ever I think it's ok... I mean I'd love to go for a big brand name but we can only buy what we can afford, right. It fits fine and I'm pretty happy I have one outfit to wear to things that require formal dress- it just means I can now stop avoiding functions and w/e. Jks I'd probably still avoid them- I hate the whole "let's drink enough til we're social" thing.
I can't believe I have to go back to school so soon. I absolutely hate how my holidays are being cut short. I don't have much fun when I'm at school, studying, and I'm coming to despise working. The pay is good, the job is good, but I actually hate going in to work. I think 5-6 days of work a week is just a bit too much for me. I know it's like... normal for most people, but I just kind of hate it. That kind of job is not fulfilling as a full time job... Not to demean any kind of job- I mean, as long as you're making some sort of money then you're not relying on others and contributing to society- it's just that retail isn't exactly my dream job either.
Of course I'm studying so that maybe one day I can end up doing what I'd like to do- for now I feel like I'm still figuring things out. Sometimes I feel so young but at other times I feel really old. I just don't want to be 30 and then realize "oh shit I haven't done much for myself in this life" and I think that'd be really terrible.
Well I better stop myself there otherwise this post is going to get really depressing really fast. It's the humidity, I swear. It's killing me. Watch out for the heat kids, stay hydrated.
It was super humid last night as well when I went out for karaoke (again). That was with a bunch of kids I haven't really hung out with before and I had a good time, not sure about them. We kinda just sang until our voices became hoarse. Then it was like 10pm and we were trying to get home and there were no buses... so that was fun. Well that's really a lie there was that one last bus of the day which brought me home, but then I had to walk like 20min in the dark at 11pm and at least I made it out without getting mugged or raped or mugged and then raped.
Also I ordered a suit off the internet and it arrived today. For my first suit ever I think it's ok... I mean I'd love to go for a big brand name but we can only buy what we can afford, right. It fits fine and I'm pretty happy I have one outfit to wear to things that require formal dress- it just means I can now stop avoiding functions and w/e. Jks I'd probably still avoid them- I hate the whole "let's drink enough til we're social" thing.
I can't believe I have to go back to school so soon. I absolutely hate how my holidays are being cut short. I don't have much fun when I'm at school, studying, and I'm coming to despise working. The pay is good, the job is good, but I actually hate going in to work. I think 5-6 days of work a week is just a bit too much for me. I know it's like... normal for most people, but I just kind of hate it. That kind of job is not fulfilling as a full time job... Not to demean any kind of job- I mean, as long as you're making some sort of money then you're not relying on others and contributing to society- it's just that retail isn't exactly my dream job either.
Of course I'm studying so that maybe one day I can end up doing what I'd like to do- for now I feel like I'm still figuring things out. Sometimes I feel so young but at other times I feel really old. I just don't want to be 30 and then realize "oh shit I haven't done much for myself in this life" and I think that'd be really terrible.
Well I better stop myself there otherwise this post is going to get really depressing really fast. It's the humidity, I swear. It's killing me. Watch out for the heat kids, stay hydrated.
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
I have internet and everything else
Happy new year! I've had a totally shit year of blogging, I've realized. Oh well. I won't speak too much more about how busy I am- it's the same story, after all. I wake up, I go to work, I come home exhausted so I eat, shower, sleep. Rinse and repeat.
What's work like? Same old shit, really. Retail is not a fun place to be, people are blergh. Then again, there's not really a job I can find where I DON'T have to deal with people. I wouldn't say human-interaction is my forte, but fortunately for all of us my EQ is high enough to get by. Naturally I've been making a lot of money this year, because of work- aaand I've spent just about all of it.
I've recovered the money I spent on my laptop, so thank God for that. I didn't like staring at the $1500 deficit in my account. I've also been topping up my savings, despite spending a shitload. For Christmas I bought my mother an iPad. She doesn't actually understand technology and I realize over the past few years I've written a few angsty posts about how she doesn't know shit and then she gets mad at me for her not knowing stuff- well, I've gotten over it. I've come to realize that people react how they want and they do what they want and it's a little unpredictable at times. We can try our best but shit still happens and as long as we've done all that we can--- well then, it's literally all that we can, so that's it.
I remember how I sort of lived with "if you don't come first in the end, then trying your best is not good enough" as a motto- and it's a terribly unhealthy attitude to live with. It's probably about time that I accepted my own mortality- as brilliant as I make myself out to be, sometimes my best just isn't good enough and it probably never will be. That's not really something to despair at though, and I don't think it's a defeatist attitude to admit I can't do everything. Coming to terms with my limits, I believe, is the only way I'll ever be able to expand my limits in the first place.
Back to Christmas- I ate a turkey that didn't taste like shit for the first time- there was gravy and potatoes and rosemary and it was delicious. I didn't get much in the way of presents but I can't say I felt too disappointed. I'm capable of making money myself now, and whatever I want, I'll buy it. I have my laptop, I have all my technological gadgets and if I think there's some other material thing out there which will contribute to my happiness, I'll get it. So far I'm pretty well off, though, so I just bought like 3 pairs of jeans and a couple of tshirts for the summer. There's a parka I want but I'll see about getting it. I'm pretty keen on getting myself a suit and some leather shoes though- just something nice and formal. I like dressing in a smart-casual kind of style, but I think it's probably a good idea to leave a suit in my wardrobe.
New years eve- I went out to dinner with some guy who was absolutely atrocious to our serving staff. I thought he was a friend but now I figure I don't really want to be friends with that kinda people. I went and saw The Imitation Game a few days later and that was really, really, really good. I highly recommend the movie. Might write more about it later, we'll see.
Naturally I've updated my music library with the latest JJ Lin and JayChou albums- they're both amazing now that I've stopped reminiscing about their old songs. Give it a listen on iTunes or youtube or w/e. It's worth every cent if you decide to legally download it.
So much to catch up on, but I cbf writing. That's it for what you missed out in my life. I'll try and write my this year- we'll see. Hope it's a good one.
What's work like? Same old shit, really. Retail is not a fun place to be, people are blergh. Then again, there's not really a job I can find where I DON'T have to deal with people. I wouldn't say human-interaction is my forte, but fortunately for all of us my EQ is high enough to get by. Naturally I've been making a lot of money this year, because of work- aaand I've spent just about all of it.
I've recovered the money I spent on my laptop, so thank God for that. I didn't like staring at the $1500 deficit in my account. I've also been topping up my savings, despite spending a shitload. For Christmas I bought my mother an iPad. She doesn't actually understand technology and I realize over the past few years I've written a few angsty posts about how she doesn't know shit and then she gets mad at me for her not knowing stuff- well, I've gotten over it. I've come to realize that people react how they want and they do what they want and it's a little unpredictable at times. We can try our best but shit still happens and as long as we've done all that we can--- well then, it's literally all that we can, so that's it.
I remember how I sort of lived with "if you don't come first in the end, then trying your best is not good enough" as a motto- and it's a terribly unhealthy attitude to live with. It's probably about time that I accepted my own mortality- as brilliant as I make myself out to be, sometimes my best just isn't good enough and it probably never will be. That's not really something to despair at though, and I don't think it's a defeatist attitude to admit I can't do everything. Coming to terms with my limits, I believe, is the only way I'll ever be able to expand my limits in the first place.
Back to Christmas- I ate a turkey that didn't taste like shit for the first time- there was gravy and potatoes and rosemary and it was delicious. I didn't get much in the way of presents but I can't say I felt too disappointed. I'm capable of making money myself now, and whatever I want, I'll buy it. I have my laptop, I have all my technological gadgets and if I think there's some other material thing out there which will contribute to my happiness, I'll get it. So far I'm pretty well off, though, so I just bought like 3 pairs of jeans and a couple of tshirts for the summer. There's a parka I want but I'll see about getting it. I'm pretty keen on getting myself a suit and some leather shoes though- just something nice and formal. I like dressing in a smart-casual kind of style, but I think it's probably a good idea to leave a suit in my wardrobe.
New years eve- I went out to dinner with some guy who was absolutely atrocious to our serving staff. I thought he was a friend but now I figure I don't really want to be friends with that kinda people. I went and saw The Imitation Game a few days later and that was really, really, really good. I highly recommend the movie. Might write more about it later, we'll see.
Naturally I've updated my music library with the latest JJ Lin and JayChou albums- they're both amazing now that I've stopped reminiscing about their old songs. Give it a listen on iTunes or youtube or w/e. It's worth every cent if you decide to legally download it.
So much to catch up on, but I cbf writing. That's it for what you missed out in my life. I'll try and write my this year- we'll see. Hope it's a good one.
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