What day is it

My sleep-wake cycle is completely screwed. The clock reads 11.21pm right now, but for me it could be 7pm or 3am- I really can't tell. I've been sleeping at strange times and waking at noon- yeah it's bad, I know. I haven't been blogging either- I know. My week is a bit messed up.


Sunday- rush tutorial notes which I haven't started. Sleep at around 3am (Monday now).

Monday- wake up at 7am (4hrs of sleep OP) so I can get to my tutorial on time. Finish tutorial at around noon. Go to a second tutorial at 2 (if I have one), feel completely dead, come home, sleep til at least 9pm (or just sleep through entire night. What is dinner).

Tuesday- wake late, around 10am. Get to tutorials again. Become occupied by some other event after the tutorial, whether it be social or otherwise.

Wednesday- wake, go to class, sleep during class, feel exhausted, eat shitty cafeteria food, go back to class. Go home when it's completely dark. Make dinner. Collapse.

Thursday- repeat Wednesday. Go to labs.

Friday- sleep til noon, realizing there is no class. Breakfast and lunch together. Play piano for a while. Spend the rest of the day gaming/drawing. Sleep late.

Saturday- watch LoL games, all day, after waking at noon. Think about writing tutorial notes without actually writing them. Will go grocery shopping, exercise, or even clean to procrastinate.


So pretty much at no point does "I should blog" cross my mind. I guess it's not so much I have nothing to complain about- it's more like... I'm literally too tired and zoned out to blog. I'd write another book review except the most recent thing I've read is 1984 and that was weeks ago. I guess I could start another philosophical rant about people and how I don't like them- but no one really gets on my nerve nowadays. I haven't been feeling particularly sad lately, which is excellent, but I don't think I've been feeling anything at all, really.

Eh, either way, things are pretty good right now. I can't really finish my work, and my latest test scores have returned, indicating that I have performed poorly--- but I don't think I mind, really. I passed, and that's pretty much all that's notable. It sucks knowing that I'm like the worst out of 100+ people: I used to be part of "elite" of my cohort, after all. It's taking me some time to adjust- and sometimes I feel I've come to terms, but I think in reality, I'm still deciding. I'm tossing up between whether I just want to admit that I'm now one of those people who are bad at everything and resigned to being "below average", or whether I still want to reach up and race for top 10 and a 95+ test score. Obviously the hard work required is putting me off a great deal- and it's even harder given my lack of interest in the subject on most days- but more importantly...

Well, I don't really want to admit, but I have doubts as to whether I will even be top 10 if I try. I've always been in the nice position of "put in minimal effort, achieve highest mark"- and slowly I've had to put in more and more effort to maintain my position. Then all of a sudden part of my identity just crashed and burned and I'm not too sure what I'm good at any more- and I've never had to work hard to be good at something for which I have very little talent or interest in. Literally NOTHING comes naturally. Understanding is gained at great pains, and every bit of experience I have to trade with disproportionate amounts of time and many, many embarrassing failures. I like to tell myself that I can only fail so many times before I do it correctly, and that once I know that the answer is (A) it's not like someone can know (A) better. It's just... a bit daunting.

I don't feel like going through some sort of existential crisis. I'm not even a teenager any more. Some days I feel like I'm way too young- no money, no experience, idealistic thoughts about everything in this world. Then other days I feel like I'm too old- too old to be moping around pondering philosophical questions, too old to be moody and draw/write uninspiring things--- and more importantly, way too old to be questioning my identity and self when I've left myself no other options anyway. It's sort of jumping off a cliff and wondering if you'd have made it out unscathed if you had chosen a different location.

Yeah look, I don't blog for ages and this is what happens. Walls of text and hideous amounts of melancholy. I should've just left it at the "things are pretty good right now".