I went out to dinner tonight with 2 good friends of mine- I wish I could've caught up with more people, but it was really nice and dinner was just really enjoyable. I wasn't paying much attention to the food but it was good- we ate at a Japanese place and the water tasted like wasabi... I'm not being racist I swear. Over dinner we talked about our respective university degrees, how life was panning out for us and our plans for the future. At some point I realised I just had something akin to absolute job security- and I guess I felt reassured but at the same time I felt a little sad as I remembered all the sacrifices I had to make. I was telling my friends that I didn't actually hate my career, but I didn't really know if I was doing the right thing, because I know what I'm doing right now is not really what I wanted but I did choose it in the end. On one hand it could've turned out a lot worse- I could've done a shitty degree which I didn't like anyway but come out with poor job prospects and whatever--- on the other hand I could've had the chance to discover my true passion and maybe find something that I could pour my heart and soul into. It's no use thinking about it now because I'll never know, but that's what's so tragic about the whole situation anyway, because I never gave myself the chance.
As dinner conversation progressed I learnt that my previous crush is now seeing someone- which made me feel a little bitter but not actually upset. More of a "wow can't believe that's who they ended up with". Yeah this particular person... well I'd known that she'd liked my previous crush for a long time in college- someone even told me that she snapped secret photos of my previous crush on her phone... and that someone joked that I had some "competition". I kind of laughed it off and didn't care too much--- because I thought she was kind of dumb. Like, she didn't even math. I guess nobody cares whether their girlfriends can math when they want to get laid, but I just didn't think she was the kind of person... yeah okay I have no right to comment on someone when I don't even know them very well. I'm just being bitter, don't mind me.
Reminds me how this other crush of mine ended up dating this really fat girl. Yeah yeah image isn't everything I know. Hah, maybe he genuinely loved her. Holy shit I am still hung up on that. God I'm terrible at getting over things.
Anyway, back to what happened tonight. After the fine conversation I left my dinner buddies and met up with another group of kids. Basically a friend of mine had invited me and a bunch of her other friends (who I did not know at all) to karaoke, and I felt obliged to go due to some of the people present. I thought it was going to be an antisocial evening consisting of sitting in a corner and talking to one or two close friends--- but I had a surprisingly good time. Well maybe because I was feeling good after dinner and I just became this obnoxious atrocity- I swore a lot, hogged the microphone a lot, and sang loudly and badly. It was fun for me, and funnily enough I don't think the other people minded, because everyone just seemed to be having a good time in general. I'll say I wasn't too pleased with my own behaviour- it wasn't the polite appearance I liked to maintain- but whatever nobody cared and we had fun.
I kinda came back to reality as I was driving home, because my parents continued to harass me with phone calls as I was driving, even though I sent an auto-reply which was something like "I can't pick up now but I'll call you back later". It really pisses me off when people persistently call me while I'm driving. Most of the time it's not their fault, but if I send a message saying I can't pick up, I think they should consider not fucking calling me for at least the next 5min.
Those frustrations aside, I've made it home safely, and I've sunk into our $6000 sofa and am wasting my life on cookie clicker. It feel good how I can just lie around on the sofa and blog about my day. It's been pretty fun- I've actually had a really good night out- it's just that the whole reminder about the failed crush thing was dismal. I wish it didn't come up over dinner but it did, so that was bad.
Hrm, it's okay. It'll wear off. I mean, I still can't believe that's who my previous crush ended up with, but that's okay, I can respect that. Yes, it does make me feel bad about myself, because the worst part is how I always thought I was better. Maybe that's my problem- I always think I'm better and so I always think I deserve better, and then I just end up taking everything for granted. Hah, idk. I grew up with high grades, I had high living standards, I'm achieving a high level of education and I am friends with the smartest people around. Tonight I ate really good food and blew money on singing karaoke- which is surely the epitome of first world luxuries. It wouldn't be surprising if I wanted a trophy partner to decorate my glamorous life, right? The irony of all this is that I actually feel like shit 40% of the time and I spend a fuck tonne of time on LoL for stress relief. Sometimes I just think I should date the game instead- it makes me happy, it makes me mad- I can leave it but it will never leave me (unless it's on server maintenance but that's only a couple of hours anyway). Now if I actually enjoyed playing the game or if I was any good at it, it'd be perfect.
Man I am so ready to be distracted by something exciting in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment