New Phone, Old Phone

I woke up 3 times last night, feeling extremely sick. When I finally crawled out of bed at 12pm I had this unforgiving headache which persisted throughout the rest of the day. Right now my head's just muddled, and I feel sick and tired at the same time. I thought my immune system had fortified this year- but apparently not. I have this suspicion that I got sick from my sister, since she's been coughing on my non-stop for the past 3 days- but oh well.

I've been sitting on our overly expensive and underused sofa all day. It is really comfortable. I wanted to do work but with my headache it was simply not possible. I guess if I really tried I could've written something, but I just didn't want to do anything more so than usual. Even reading became a chore today- I just didn't want to do anything. I thought it'd be better if I went outside for a bit, and the fresh air might make me feel better... it didn't really. The weather was nice and all, but nothing felt right.

The one productive thing I did all day though, was update my phone. Ever since I rooted my phone it's been slowly fucking itself over. I only updated YouTube last month to realize that the YouTube app wasn't a broken piece of shit, I just hadn't updated it for 2 years straight. I had to go back to factory resets on my phone- and man it was dreadful when it all occurred, because all of a sudden I realized how much I had actually customized my phone and how horrible the factory resets were. Luckily I was then able to update to the latest firmware and now the interface looks a lot better. Yes, I am telling you that I hadn't updated my firmware for 2 years. I don't know how I actually survived, but my guess is that it's because I mainly use my phone to listen to music, browse facebook and send texts/ make calls. I didn't actually do much with my phone, despite its multitude of functions.

Anyway, at this point I pretty much feel like I have a new phone, and the urge to replace my current phone has considerably diminished. I kinda don't want to replace my phone until I graduate- and even then I might keep it unless I manage to shatter the screen. I feel a little bad for how abusive I have been towards my phone. When I first got it I laid it down gently and held it carefully--- now I just casually toss it around without thinking too much. I've dropped it countless times- and if it wasn't for my phone cover I don't know how many scratches it would have. It's a shame how I've become so accustomed to the weight, size and general feel of my phone- otherwise I could convince myself that I somehow got a new phone. I did however have the joy of reinstalling all my apps and customizing all my settings until it suited me. It seems like a chore but I think secretly I enjoy doing stuff like that, because it's like marking territory.

Okay, gonna go sleep some more even though I haven't been awake for that long. Sucks when you're sick.

Catching Up; Night Out

I went out to dinner tonight with 2 good friends of mine- I wish I could've caught up with more people, but it was really nice and dinner was just really enjoyable. I wasn't paying much attention to the food but it was good- we ate at a Japanese place and the water tasted like wasabi... I'm not being racist I swear. Over dinner we talked about our respective university degrees, how life was panning out for us and our plans for the future. At some point I realised I just had something akin to absolute job security- and I guess I felt reassured but at the same time I felt a little sad as I remembered all the sacrifices I had to make. I was telling my friends that I didn't actually hate my career, but I didn't really know if I was doing the right thing, because I know what I'm doing right now is not really what I wanted but I did choose it in the end. On one hand it could've turned out a lot worse- I could've done a shitty degree which I didn't like anyway but come out with poor job prospects and whatever--- on the other hand I could've had the chance to discover my true passion and maybe find something that I could pour my heart and soul into. It's no use thinking about it now because I'll never know, but that's what's so tragic about the whole situation anyway, because I never gave myself the chance.

As dinner conversation progressed I learnt that my previous crush is now seeing someone- which made me feel a little bitter but not actually upset. More of a "wow can't believe that's who they ended up with". Yeah this particular person... well I'd known that she'd liked my  previous crush for a long time in college- someone even told me that she snapped secret photos of my previous crush on her phone... and that someone joked that I had some "competition". I kind of laughed it off and didn't care too much--- because I thought she was kind of dumb. Like, she didn't even math. I guess nobody cares whether their girlfriends can math when they want to get laid, but I just didn't think she was the kind of person... yeah okay I have no right to comment on someone when I don't even know them very well. I'm just being bitter, don't mind me.

Reminds me how this other crush of mine ended up dating this really fat girl. Yeah yeah image isn't everything I know. Hah, maybe he genuinely loved her. Holy shit I am still hung up on that. God I'm terrible at getting over things.

Anyway, back to what happened tonight. After the fine conversation I left my dinner buddies and met up with another group of kids. Basically a friend of mine had invited me and a bunch of her other friends (who I did not know at all) to karaoke, and I felt obliged to go due to some of the people present. I thought it was going to be an antisocial evening consisting of sitting in a corner and talking to one or two close friends--- but I had a surprisingly good time. Well maybe because I was feeling good after dinner and I just became this obnoxious atrocity- I swore a lot, hogged the microphone a lot, and sang loudly and badly. It was fun for me, and funnily enough I don't think the other people minded, because everyone just seemed to be having a good time in general. I'll say I wasn't too pleased with my own behaviour- it wasn't the polite appearance I liked to maintain- but whatever nobody cared and we had fun.

I kinda came back to reality as I was driving home, because my parents continued to harass me with phone calls as I was driving, even though I sent an auto-reply which was something like "I can't pick up now but I'll call you back later". It really pisses me off when people persistently call me while I'm driving. Most of the time it's not their fault, but if I send a message saying I can't pick up, I think they should consider not fucking calling me for at least the next 5min.

Those frustrations aside, I've made it home safely, and I've sunk into our $6000 sofa and am wasting my life on cookie clicker. It feel good how I can just lie around on the sofa and blog about my day. It's been pretty fun- I've actually had a really good night out- it's just that the whole reminder about the failed crush thing was dismal. I wish it didn't come up over dinner but it did, so that was bad.

Hrm, it's okay. It'll wear off. I mean, I still can't believe that's who my previous crush ended up with, but that's okay, I can respect that. Yes, it does make me feel bad about myself, because the worst part is how I always thought I was better. Maybe that's my problem- I always think I'm better and so I always think I deserve better, and then I just end up taking everything for granted. Hah, idk. I grew up with high grades, I had high living standards, I'm achieving a high level of education and I am friends with the smartest people around. Tonight I ate really good food and blew money on singing karaoke- which is surely the epitome of first world luxuries. It wouldn't be surprising if I wanted a trophy partner to decorate my glamorous life, right? The irony of all this is that I actually feel like shit 40% of the time and I spend a fuck tonne of time on LoL for stress relief. Sometimes I just think I should date the game instead- it makes me happy, it makes me mad- I can leave it but it will never leave me (unless it's on server maintenance but that's only a couple of hours anyway).  Now if I actually enjoyed playing the game or if I was any good at it, it'd be perfect.

Man I am so ready to be distracted by something exciting in my life.

Holiday Assignments Suck

It's really sunny outside, and really cold inside. The natural conclusion would seem to go outside, because it's warm, but the Sun's blinding. Right now I'm just lying on a massive cushiony thing and wasting time on my laptop. I'm trying to get my assignment finished so I can go to this anime marathon with my friends, but right now my assignment just isn't writing itself, and I don't know when I'll actually want to write it, so it's not really working well.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm watching the world championships. The plays are heaps good. I was kinda pissed that a Chinese team drew another Chinese team in the quarterfinals, meaning that only 1 will get through. IMO any other match up would have been favorable... My friend said at least it meant there'd be 1 Chinese team through to semis, but I had faith that both teams could've beaten whoever they faced, so I died a little on the inside when I saw that they had to face off. Too bad now...

So here goes my days: trying to write assignments, failing to write assignments, wind up watching LoL for hours on end and then thinking about all the drama around it. My life is pathetically linear.

Watching Worlds

You may or may not know, but the world championships for LoL is being played right now. Of course I'm watching and cheering for my favorite team. Funnily enough my favorite team isn't a Chinese team, though I do want China to win out of some strange kind of patriotic feeling. What really surprised me about watching these things is that the Chinese team all seemed to speak really softly with really quiet voices--- which was really strange for me because I was under the impression that pro gamers yelled a lot, and from experience with the international students at my school I've learnt that Chinese students can be loud as fuck. Not being racist or anything- pretty sure I was really loud as well, until at some point I realized I no longer had to yell because there isn't nearly as much noise pollution in Australia.

Basically the Chinese teams are looking really strong right now, but Korea (and I mean South Korea, North KR is too busy re-establishing a communist dictatorship or something) is looking pretty scary. Apparently Korea has the best mid-laner in the world (mid laner is just a field position in LoL), and everyone's talking about how he will just win the game by himself. CN vs KR resulted in a 1-1 tie, and no one got knocked out. There's a lot of rumors being spread about CN cheating because they paused at critical points during both games, and it makes me really sad because I don't think CN cheated but their reputation is being tarnished anyway.

What also makes me really sad is how the CN teams are being portrayed. There was this interview they had with the star player of a CN team, and the guy said something like "maybe we should have some confidence in ourselves, so I'll say that we're going to win the championships" when he was asked "who do you think will win". Then it was translated for the live audience as a subtitle "maybe it's time to get a little cocky"--- and I was just thinking "cocky? is that even politically correct? who the fuck says that in an interview with an international audience?" It was just bad because I actually knew what he said, being fluent in Chinese myself. There was also another translation of the same guy calling the Korean star-mid-laner an "unkillable demon king". It's the kind of thing that's taken too literally and makes you think "wtf". See the English equivalent of that phrase is something like "end game boss", and it's meant to be a display of respect. At least "unkillable demon king" didn't sound insulting given the context, and I think the message got through. If it was taken as an insult I'd be kinda mad though.

Given how I'm just watching these games for fun, I really hate how I'm thinking about all this political stuff. Oh yeah there was also another break out when KR said they didn't get a handshake from CN after the game and they felt angry or something. Though I'm inclined at this point to think that the KR team are being drama queens, I'll blame it again on the media portrayal. Since I don't actually speak Korean, I have no idea what the guy really said. For all I know he could've been like "oh yeah I was a little disappointed I didn't get a handshake" and then the translators were like "NUP THAT'S NOT EXCITING ENOUGH" and decided to say that he was angry. In general the KR team appeared to be really modest and decent people, and they probably had a little grudge against CN- losing to them during the first game and not getting their hands shaken. Understandable. Until it all came out really badly in an interview, which was publicly broadcasted, making KR and CN seem like arch-enemies or something. Makes me wanna facepalm, because the CN team doesn't actually do the post-match handshake in China...AND NEITHER DOES KR. The KR team only picked it up after interaction with the western teams at world championships- and I guess CN was just too slow on the ball (which is really their fault). So the point I'm getting at is- the KR team probably could understand that they didn't get a handshake- because it wasn't custom, not because CN disrespected them or something. To still feel unhappy about it is perfectly fine, but then it came out in an interview and then become a topic of controversy--- which frankly is just disgusting.

The tragedy is that what could've been a great esports event full of professionalism now seems like a Saturday night soap opera. I like the players on both KR and CN teams, I think they play extremely well, and they all seem to have that reserved modest manner which I haven't seen before. The teams could've had a nice relationship, competing, recognizing and then respecting the skills of the other team--- then the company hosting the event decides to make a big deal of trivial events, going so far as to "mis-translate" interviews. If it only happened once I'll call it a coincidence- but given the sequence of events they're obviously trying to make drama, and to make things "exciting". Though I can totally understand why they'd do that--- hell, if I was the CEO I'd probably do worse things to further my company- but as someone who only recently started to enjoy this esports thing, I'm just a little disappointed.

I guess the moral of the story is: nothing in this world is untarnished, even when you think you just want to enjoy something really innocent, there will be something sinister out there to fuck things up for you.

Sunny Saturday

I just got back home down South; I left Friday afternoon right after class, and when I arrived at 10pm I was pretty much exhausted. Holy shit this place is so cold- I was so enjoying wearing nothing but short-sleeved shirts and shorts, but here I need a thick jumper where ever I go.

I woke up about an hour ago, and already I'm at a friend's house. Yeah I know it's a bit weird that I'm blogging, but I think it's pretty okay. I'm just here to waste a bit of time with my friends, and I've got my laptop and we're all just playing games anyway. This is actually such a nice way to spend the day, I think it's excellent. The sun seeping in from the window is kinda hurting my eyes though, if I go blind I blame the sun (and not my computer screen).

You know what's weird; after so many years of using the computer (and watching TV earlier in life), I've actually never had to wear glasses. My vision was 20-20 when I was 7; I doubt it's 20-20 still but it's enough to get by. If I need glasses by the time I'm 45 I guess I won't cry about it.

So uh, being on holidays is really great, and I'm going to make the most of 2 weeks' worth of free time.

Holidays? Almost holidays.

I had my last serious tutorial today---uh, technically yesterday since it's post midnight. I pretty much have zero work except for my assignment which is due in a week or two, but that's fine because I'm ignoring it. So naturally the first thing I do with my free time is play a fuck tonne of LoL. I thought I kinda grew tired of it, then I'm watching the world championships and I'm like "WOW THAT IS SO COOL, I WANNA DO THAT" and then I try playing the game myself. See in LoL they have this system where you can buy champions with game currency. It feels terrible when you play when you don't really want to--- you feel horrendously bored but at the same time you feel compelled to keep going just so you can acquire that one extra item.

Yeah I think I just have item-acquisition-addiction. It's like how when I played TWEWY I wanted to collect ALL the pins, and when I played Pokemon I finished my pokedex--- it was so much wasted time in my life but so much satisfaction gained... God I wish I could be productive and feel satisfied at the same time.

Ergh, it's getting so late, and I kinda raged at a friend who wouldn't stop hassling me to play a certain game with him. In my defense it's like 2am and he's been really fucking annoying about it, but I guess I shouldn't have raged because now I feel terrible and I kinda realize that he must've wanted me to play that game with him really badly. Man I'm a horrible person.

Should probably go to sleep before I turn into something worse and destroy the world.

I hate Tuesdays

I used to hate Mondays, like every other school kid out there. Now I hate Tuesdays. It's not that I don't have classes on Mondays, it's just that I can choose not to go to them. When I don't go, it effectively means a 3 day weekend, and my Monday-hate gets transferred on to Tuesday. On Tuesdays there is one class- roughly 30min of a histology lab. If I don't go, I'm more than likely to fail histology- if I do go, I literally spend more time walking there and walking home than I do in the class. It was also worse today because the world championship games started at the same time as my lab.

It's just a super-stressful day. House inspection as well. Not to mention how I have to prep for Wednesday's tutorial because it's a Tuesday night. Oh, and it was garbage night. Blergh. It's like I chill for a while, kinda have nothing to do, and then everything just spontaneously collapse on me.

Hating my life right now as I'm summing notes for my tutorial. Oh goddamn I just want to sleep. Thank God that this tutorial will be the last before my break. I really needed a break to catch up on work and to just get a bit of a breather. 2 weeks without having to stress about random crap would be really nice.

Why is living such a chore...

My Social Saturday

Last night I went to this dinner-party thing which was meant to celebrate Malaysian culture- I'm not actually Malaysian but I kind of crashed because they were giving out free food. The dress was meant to be formal or traditional, but I didn't really have anything formal and everything that was semi-decent looked like what I wore on clinical placement. Not that it mattered, because as it turns out formal didn't actually mean "formal", so when I showed up dressed like a member of Super Junior nobody cared.

Food was delayed in being served, because they took forever cooking it or something. I was kinda hungry when the food finally came--- and the rice was so horribly undercooked. I guess I can't complain too much, since I attended the event for the free food--- but when the free food tastes like shit it's a little disappointing. Not that I didn't have a good time- I talked with people, made new friends, got to know people better etc. Mingling is actually quite enjoyable, I found.

My mid semester break is coming up- and the closer it gets, the less excited I seem to become. All that's on my mind right now is work work work- I spend more time thinking about work than I do actually doing the work. It's a terrible habit, I know. There's just so much I want to do- I want to play my DS, I want to read my books, I want to waste hours on Skype chatting with my friends. With the concept of "work" weighing on my mind though, it's simply not possible.

Blergh, and I have to clean my room for house inspections. Living is a chore.

Doesn't matter, going to sleep now. Gonna get up at 5am and watch the LoL world championships. Gonna be a good day tomorrow, I can feel it.

Out To Town

Today is probably the first off-day where I went shopping at a real shopping centre. I always thought this city was kind of shit and had nothing but a beach--- but I might've been wrong considering I found a decent sized shopping centre. Everything looked nice and clean but it wasn't crowded like Sydney. I had lunch with a few friends, we seemingly ordered a lot but it turned out to be not-much at all... I mean, I was full by the end of it all but I wasn't exactly bloated. The food was kinda nice though, dumplings and pork and buns etc.

Then we spent ages shopping. By ages I mean ages. Not that I'm complaining, because even though it was clothes shopping I was mildly amused. I watched my room mate struggle with size 8 skinny jeans- and I figured they were probably size 6 but whatever, it was fun. I have a sadistic kind of humor, I figured.

Later in the day we were kind of thirsty, so I went into the super market to buy drinks. I was being retarded and picked up the cheapest fruit drink I could find, but I didn't realize it was fruit concentrate--- so in essence it was undiluted cordial. Tasted like pure diabetes, man. Then my room mate refused to throw it away and insisted on bringing it all the way home...

So the story is, I had a pretty good day, and I spent money and did stuff. I was really tempted to buy another fluffy pillow toy--- this time a killer whale--- but I figured I better not because I have a shark already. In the end I just randomly bought this elephant (made from quartz or something) for seven dollars, and it was literally the most expensive thing I paid for (apart from lunch).

Elephants are cool.

What what what

Federal election was like...yesterday, and the liberal party got voted in. Now personally I don't really know much about politics, but sometimes I like to pretend I do when other people are desperately trying to sound cultured. Anyway, the only thing I got out of the liberals winning the election is that I can kiss my high speed internet (as well as that high speed train) good bye. Ironically my internet capped today, and everything was slow as hell. Even Google took 30 seconds to load...

The past couple of days has been quite eventful--- I went out to this open air movie night thing on Friday. We watched this film called "The Sapphires" and I thought it was decently entertaining, though it wasn't the best thing I've ever watched. I somehow managed to feel bored during it all, and I don't really think it was the film's fault. Dinner that night was provided, and I ate quite a bit... There was this guy who I thought was quite good looking, and he sat by himself looking lonely for the longest time- but for some reason I just never went up to him. I don't know what I was expecting but I figure it was because I failed so hard with my previous crush I've given up on the concept of trying and thought in some twisted way that he should have come to me.

It doesn't have to be logical, does it? On an unrelated note, he looked a great deal like Martin Freeman, the guy who played Bilbo in The Hobbit and Dr. Watson in Sherlock.

Then last night I went out to a musical ran by the med faculty--- it was pretty good, but I'm not sure it was worth missing out on the Korean LoL regional playoffs just to see this musical. I guess I got some social time out of it--- which brings me to my next topic: both of these events I attended with my room mate and her ex boyfriend.

So the gist of it is, her ex is still into her and I'm like 98% sure he's using me as an excuse to see her. Or get close to her. Or something. I don't even fucking know. He'd kinda like invite me to stuff, and I'd accept, then he'd ask "is she coming?". Naturally my reaction was all "no, what, why, did you ask her" and I'd almost always receive "nvm" as a shut-down reply. Basically I feel I'm starting to get caught into a bit of a mess here, and I kinda want to bail but I don't know how.

For example, today my internet capped so I went over to my room mate's ex-boyfriend's house. He's a friend of mine, btw, in case you thought I was just randomly being a creeper. Anyway he has unlimited download so I went there to watch the Chinese LoL regional playoffs. It was pretty intense and the team I was rooting for won in the end, but I think I hate one of their star players. Back to topic--- I was there for a couple of hours, but then somehow it all ended with me sitting on the floor of his room, my room mate also ended up in his room and he was talking about something I can't even remember.

Then I just ended up being a 3rd wheel for the better part of an hour. The awkward tension just kept on rising and rising and rising and I was just totally unneeded and shouldn't have even been there.

I can kind of remember how we all ended up there but thinking about it I just feel like I make terrible choices in life. Then her ex boyfriend said at one stage, "if you want to go home at any time I'll drive" so I tried taking him up on his offer--- but I made the mistake of asking my room mate if she wanted to leave (out of pure courtesy) and she gave me the most non-committal "I don't mind" I've ever seen anyone give. So then everything went into stasis and we just sat there, as if glued down, because he obviously didn't want her to leave, and I wasn't sure whether the "I don't mind" from her meant "up to you", "I want to stay" or "I have no opinion". Considering how I obviously wanted to go (since I brought up the topic of leaving anyway) but she made no move, I'm gonna say she didn't actually want to leave, FOR WHATEVER REASON.

Women are complicated ):

Now after this episode there is in fact a movie night in the planning, because my room mate is really keen to watch a super-scary movie. Not sure if I mentioned before but I hate scary movies. I either get so scared I'm on the verge of pissing myself or it's not scary at all and it's like, why did I even waste my time watching this. It's just a lose-lose situation. However she's really keen and because it's been like two years since I've seen a movie which actually scared me, I actually don't mind. The biggest problem of course is the fact that her ex boyfriend is invited and from the way it's going it's like they're planning to have a 3-man party (or rather, my room mate, her ex and me the fabulous 3rd wheel) in my room. The very thought horrifies me, because wtf get out of my room I've had enough since before you two went out and decided to camp in my room til 2am causing me to lose sleep and w/e.

Ergh when I think about it those two are like so awkward around each other I don't know why both of them insist on dragging me into it, whether it be intentional or not. So what I've realized about my life is that any semblance of a social event or outing is in fact just me being the extra between my room mate and her ex.

Ah fuck my life. Get me out of here.

Alive Again

----This is like an entire week's worth of blogging in one post------------------------------------------

So I haven't blogged in almost a week and it's because I've just been feeling dead. It's not that I did much in particular, I've just felt...dead.

The weekend rolled past with me watching my LoL games again. They were in the regional playoffs (North America, that is) to decide which team would make it to the world championships, so of course I was really excited because I had a favourite team and I wanted them to win. Not that I was holding my breath and clutching my heart or anything, because my team's stomped every other NA team this season, so I reasonably expected them to come out on top. I wake up in the morning to watch my games---- and I don't really remember what happened from then on, because the games certainly didn't go on all day. Perhaps it was just that I never got out of bed... Which is really strange but yeah, whatever.

While I was hyped all weekend, it turned out that the finals for the reigonals, between my fav team and these really strong contenders, occurred on a Monday. Specifically, the match started at the same time as my 9am lecture. Then the big decision came: do I want to watch a replay or do I want to go to class. Heh, who am I kidding, it wasn't even hard to decide, I just didn't get out of bed and watched the games from my iPad.

When the Sun had set and I realized that I'd skipped yet another set of Monday lectures, being my 3rd week in a row (or maybe 4th?), I was kinda thinking about how much I'd changed since last year. I would never dream of missing class, let alone missing class to watch LoL games (it's like sinking to the pits). And I'm thinking, maybe it's because my parents aren't here so I'm being all rebel, but when I think back far enough, it probably started ages ago, when I decided I hate chemistry and just didn't show up a lot of the time. Then I had the maximum amount of absences I could without failing the class for psychology--- which is really strange as well because psychology was easily one of my favourite classes, and I CHOSE to study psychology. I guess this is just a continued trend from last year--- I skipped an entire semester of Japanese lectures, and now I'm skipping out on med lectures too.

Ergh, it's not just the lectures, it's the labs as well. I've missed tonnes of labs out of nowhere--- BUT, I made an active effort to get to histology on Tuesday, and I felt quite rewarded when I realized the class wasn't as shit as I thought it was. That was mainly because there were like 15 people when there were meant to be 40, and so the professor had more time to explain stuff. However when Tuesday night came I was in such a mess. I had an assignment due, which I had set out to finish over the weekend--- and it would have only taken me an evening's worth of concentrated effort (so I could've technically done it Friday night) but it just didn't happen. So by that time I had done shit all for my tutorial, and shit all for my assignment. Seeing as how my tutorial was the next day, I worked on that first.

And hell I hate working til 2am reading about blood supply to the kidneys. It's like, almost as boring as you could ask for. Then there was this physics crap about how fluid gets in and out due to pressure, and I pretty much gave up and went to bed.

...ANOTHER thing which I've noticed, and surprised myself with.

I used to NEVER sleep until I finished my work (work that was due the next day, that is). I just wasn't comfortable going to rest, dealing with the possibility that I could actually miss a deadline or fuck things up. Except this time, I was either confident that I would wake early enough in the mornings to do the work (this was actually really scary because I had done shit all by 2am, and I had like 3hrs in the morning before I absolutely had to go), or I wasn't confident but just didn't give enough shits about my tutorials any more. I have a terrible feeling that it may be the latter, and that I've stopped caring, but it turns out I finished my work in time and I was O.K.

I was just drained out on Wednesday, because of the sleeping late, waking early, and the 3hr intensive tutorial. Yet somehow I still managed to watch the Koreans play LoL, because the NA regionals were over so I decided to turn my attention to the Asian scene. I was just sooo worn out by the end of last night, I literally collapsed into bed.

When I woke up this morning life didn't get much better. I had ONE anatomy lab which lasted one measly hour, but I would have to walk there in the face of the midday Sun--- and spending 30 minutes in 24 degrees Celsius weather is not my favourite hobby. And so I was sitting, telling myself I should go, but really not wanting to go. At some stage I realized that if I didn't do laundry today I would have nothing to wear tomorrow, so then I threw everything in the washing machine. Then I decided to go to my lab, knowing that I'll be late by the time I get there--- and I went anyway.

The lab was over in like 30min, even though I was scheduled for an entire hour. Not that I missed out on anything, by the way, because it turns out that I'd already learnt when I decided to prepare for my tutorial on that Tuesday morning. All it turned out was a colossal waste of time---having to walk to school. You could call it exercise but considering how it was midday I call it being a melanoma magnet. So that was frustrating, and now if I ever feel like just not-going, I will have an excuse because it turns out I don't get much out of anatomy labs, apart from the whole "wow this is cool" kinda feeling you get when visiting a museum.

My room mate decided to drag me to the beach this afternoon. Now don't get me wrong, I love the beach, but this particular afternoon just did not work out for me. It was for the birthday celebration of this girl I didn't really know, but I was given an obligatory invite for having been to a few events with the same group of people (or something like that). Stuff like that is just exhausting. Trying to fit in, look social, pretending to be happy and pasting a permanent smile--- 100% could not handle. My room mate noticed and tried to keep me company, but I was set on going home because I wasn't having a good time, and I didn't want to waste even more time there. I hadn't even finish my assignment then, which was due by midnight today.

I don't really know what the deal is with me at social events. My best friend told me quite a while ago that I always text her at parties--- and I think if it wasn't for the fact that she can no longer reply to my texts, I would've texted her telling how shit everything was this afternoon. I just feel that I spend half my life being excessively bored, and what other people do to entertain themselves (i.e. "going out") really doesn't work for me. Don't give me the "you don't even go out how would you know" bullshit, because I do know and I fucking hate it.

To this day, I still don't agree with the concept of "trying" to make friends. If we're going to be friends, neither of us should have to "try". If the first conversation between us didn't work out, and there is not much to say beyond "hi my name is ________", then it would be best to stay acquaintances. I mean, I'm just trying to live my life, right? It's not like I'm salesperson where I actually HAVE to talk to people, keep them entertained so they'll buy my stuff. I don't NEED to be part of the social party group. I want to set my own schedule, which is to work when I want to work, waste time when I don't, and to be free and do what I want. Not "going out", ever, is actually perfectly legitimate.

I remember having a similar opinion about "trying" to have fun. It's like, this is either fun or it's not. It will not become fun just because I "try", I could always lie to myself and pretend I'm having fun, but what's the use in deceiving the rest of the world when I don't even want to do this. Like, hell, I should obviously take care of my own interests, because no one else is.

Anyway, it's midnight, and it's technically Friday, but at this point in time I'm feeling really bitter about a lot of things and really just hating the world right now. Therefore I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll wake up a happier person.