Birthday and LoL

Got together with a few friends 2 nights ago, for my birthday, and uh... I thought it was kind of boring. I guess I should congratulate myself on the fact that I have now found people I would willingly label as my friend, except last night was really awkward. I was asked a while ago what I was going to do for my birthday, and I answered "probably just stay up and play LoL all night". I mean, I thought it was casual conversation, and it's not like I put any serious thought into it. It was just the most probably outcome at the time.

Little did I know that I was taken very seriously, and the person who asked me organised a get together where he specifically found people to play LoL with me. The awkward-bomb hit me so hard I didn't know how to respond. So when the time come I was sitting at my friends' house, and they're many, many more times excited than I am, with their lv1 ~ lv5 characters, ready to fight. We played a couple of games against AI opponents, because for some reason the internet connection was so bad at their house I was lagging despite having transferred to the local server.

Did I mention that the OCE server came out for my birthday? I thought it was pretty cool.

Back to my recount: I was sitting there awkwardly while my friends were semi-excited that we were winning against bots. Actually I don't think they were excited; I'm pretty sure they just wanted to seem enthusiastic for what they thought was my favourite game. LoL really isn't my favourite game. I mean, I play it out of desperation for company... When people who aren't even gamers try and play something like LoL with you out of pure goodwill... blergh.

Then I received a stash of LoL game cash for my birthday. It's not like I'm disappointed by the presents- well, I guess I'm actually quite happy, but I'm just a little baffled that people define me as the kid that plays too much LoL. I mean sure I play a lot--- well, I don't even feel like I play a lot! Whenever I've been active on a game, this is about how much I've played. I played this much of Neopets and Adventure Quest back when I was 10! It really doesn't mean this game's consumed my life...

Anyway, I'm trying to push the "LoL player" stigma off myself for now, because the identity of hardcore gamer isn't really what I want. First and foremost I really am not a hardcore gamer, and having my life marked by LoL kind of sucks. I mean, I'm way more into Devil Survivor than I am into LoL. It's just that Devil Survivor is so underrated and nobody's heard of it, but when I say "yeah I play LoL" people all jump on the "you must be one of those people" train.

Of course having more than $50 worth of game cash on my LoL account isn't really helping my case...

My current resolution is to not tell new people I meet that I play LoL. As for current opinions, well I can't really change them and there's no point in changing them. My friends are kind of excited because apparently I can buy out the LoL store, which is not true but I do have obscene amounts of game cash. I guess I'll see how it goes, but in the meanwhile I'll just enjoy all this excessive LoL-cash I have and make the most of what was actually a really good birthday present.

Feelin' Better

Yeah sleep does wonders for mood. Maybe I was just so sleep-deprived my brain decided to feel sad so that'd I'd try to sleep my sadness away. I had a reeeeally good dream last night. Then I woke up and the finale to Devil Survivor 2 was out. Actually, that might've been the reason to my happiness as opposed to sleep, but ehhh I'm happy for now.

So the Devil Survivor ending was weird. I totally expected this ending at the very beginning of the show, but then as it went on and my favourite character became more and more antagonistic, I became less certain of myself. Then in that last episode everything seemed so irreconcilable, but the protagonist's gayness seemed to have overridden ever other one of his instincts, and basically he just... yeah look I don't even fucking know what happened. It was the final showdown between the protagonist and the antagonist, and they were going to battle to the death. Then they hugged and the protagonist was all like, "I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND" and they both lived. And resurrected everyone that died in the previous episodes. I don't even.

Anyway, it was a good anime, but only for the ending. I'm playing the game again because I just can't stand it, I love the characters so much I want to be the protagonist and meet them all.

On an unrelated note, LoL servers are up for my region. Best birthday present ever. Here's to green ping and no lag.

An Unremarkable Birthday

In comparison to last year, I guess my birthday this year was a lot better. Well, a lot better in the sense that I'm not really stressed and pissed off at people for no good reason. A few of my friends got together 2 days ago, and we had this "pre-birthday" party where there was cake and everything. I was quite happy, but for some reason I'm just feeling horribly empty right now.

I wonder why I always feel like shit on the day of the my actual birthday.

There's no real explanation for this right now. I've just been drawing, watching TV/anime and playing games. Nothing new... and they're all activities I enjoy. Yet for some reason I feel overwhelmingly sad, and it's weird because I was just celebrating with my friends a short while ago.

I don't really understand why I'm still awake at 3am. My friend asked me why I was still up, and I replied that I was too sad to be asleep. I wonder how much truth there is in that statement. I figure it's probably one of my stupid mood swings, or like some part of my brain that's just gone wrong and the "sadness" area is just over expressed.

Maybe I should sleep.

Stuff I'm Up To

Woke up at 2pm again,but that's already nothing new. I spent the rest of my daylight hours drawing and watching 30 Rock. I reckon 30 Rock must be like, the most underrated show ever. It's so incredibly witty. Though I do like outwardly hilarious shows like The Big Bang Theory. It's just that I don't have the latest seasons and I feel like there's nothing to watch...

I started a new anime call "Attack on Titans" (AoT) because someone told me it's the best thing since Code Geass. He may be exaggerating... but eh, it's not bad. I do hate the protagonist though, so that's a real downside, because if you hate the protagonist it really makes the show hard to watch. I do hope he gets a personality change soon, because right now he's just pissing me off.

Oh, and I've been drawing. I mentioned already but I've been drawing... a lot. I'm painting this massive A2 thing for my brother's wedding, and I'm a little daunted by the magnitude of the task, so I've done nothing but sketch a rough outline. Except the outline took all of 5min and wasn't really hard. I'm just too scared to start the colouring. So I'm just procrastinating by drawing other things---- basically drawing pretty girls wearing revealing clothing, and I'm telling myself it's because I need practice drawing people's hands, but I'm really just having fun drawing pretty girls with revealing clothing.

This is why I will never need to buy a Victoria's Secret magazine.

Hooray for holidays.

Coooold

I'm sitting in my room and looking out the window. It's raining. I swear it rained horizontally this morning as I walked to school, so my shielded my face with my umbrella. As a result I was drenched below the knees and walked into the examination hall leaving prints everywhere. Oh and somewhere along the way the wind also snapped my umbrella in half, and I was feeling pretty annoyed by then so I threw my umbrella into the bin.

Coming home, I got changed into a pair of skinny jeans, and noticed how they didn't really wrap around my legs any more. This is where I celebrate my weight loss, but then I remember how I haven't eaten anything substantial in a while due to sheer laziness, and I'm going to be really ill really soon if I don't start eating. It's not like I don't have any food, but food is so much trouble and eating takes effort. It also makes my room smell funny, but if I eat outside it's too cold.

Coldness makes life hard.

My Japanese Exam

So I just came home from my last exam, which was Japanese. It was as terrible as my decision to not study for it with all the free time I had. There were a good two days in between my previous test and my Japanese test, and considering I've been ignoring Japanese for the latter half of the semester, you'd think I'd have the decency to study. Instead I was like, "IT'S JAPANESE 1101, WHAT CAN GO WRONG" and decided to wake at 2pm on my free days and alternate between gaming and drawing in my spare time. Around 10pm last night I decided I better have a glance at Japanese, and it turned out that there was so much I didn't know I just went to bed.

Flipping through my test today, I think to myself, "I don't recall learning this". Then I remember how I never went to a single lecture and didn't even bother finish reading the handout the teacher gave. In fact I did 6/44 questions for the first part of 3 part homework, and decided 6 was close enough to a quarter which was surely enough homework to do the night before the exam.

Man I'm fucking terrible at this revision thing.

Anyway, last test's over, and I don't think I failed despite how terrible that was. I'll just have to wa
it for my results to come out. I know I haven't blogged for quite a while; and it's not because I have nothing to write about, but when I write half a post I procrastinate for a while and end up not-posting.

Yeah.

Just Cleaned My Room

Just cleaned my room for reasons other than pure necessity, and I gotta say, it feels pretty good. There's no house inspection and my room wasn't ankle deep in dust--- but before I went to bed last night I told myself I'd get up, do the washing and clean my room--- and I did. You have no idea how amazing that is. While I do follow through with most of my assignment commitments, room-cleaning was just one of those things I'd dream about doing but only execute once a year when the air I breathe is 90% dust.

My textbooks are once again stacked comfortably beneath my feet, as my intense revision sessions are pretty much over and they're no longer needed. Sure I have 2 exams to go but at this point I'm just feeling rather burnt out, so it'll take quite a bit more procrastination before I tell myself to get started on doing some work. I'm just... not feeling the stress right now.

Anyway, my room's clean, I have a heater, did my laundry, no work due... I'm in a happy place.

Starvation and Sloth

Ever heard of stories where someone was too lazy to eat the food in front of them, and then starved to death? Yeah, that's going to be the story of my demise, very soon. After some intense cramming (loljks played more games than I revised) I finished my 2nd exam with ease, and I feel a lot better about it than I feel about my first exam. So now there's the mysterious 3rd exam which I don't really know how to revise for (so I'm just not revising) and then there's my Japanese. Good ol' Japanese, which I've neglected for ages. Unless you count watching anime as revision. Then I've been doing weekly revision.

Anyway, I barely ate anything yesterday, and if it wasn't for my friend coming down and saving me I would've probably just starved to death. We went to some fish and chips place and I grabbed some milk, veggies and a bit of mince. So I spent ages stuffing my face with calamari. I'm feeling a little sick from all the greasy food. I don't think I even want dinner right now.

I started writing this post in the morning when I was still starving, but now it's early evening and I'm feeling disgusted by all the grease I ate and is resigned to not eating for the rest of the evening unless I decide to stay up to 3am playing games.

Life is solid.

First Exam Over

So my first (and most likely hardest) exam is now over, and optimistically speaking I'm hoping for a 50/80 pass. I have seriously never sat a multiple choice that hard in my life. Looking at the questions, I just think to myself that I can't even BEGIN to guess. I might as well have sat the test in French or Spanish, because it was like I couldn't read half the bloody paper. Or sometimes when I understand what the question is asking, I don't understand the meaning of the choices I'm given.

On that note: I hate anatomy. I learnt enough to know exactly where to stab a person if I want to hit them in the heart: but apparently that wasn't enough to get me through the anatomy section of the test. I should consider changing career paths to something along the lines of "heart stabber...er" 

Anyway, I should really be revising for my second exam, which should be decently hard as well--- but I woke up at 2pm after sleeping for a good 11 hours, and I am just feeling really lazy and withdrawn right now. I guess I'll consider studying later tonight... if I feel like it.

Here's to passing.

Exaaaams

I can count down before exams. This study vacation thing has been disastrous. All that work which I...didn't do. Yup. Had a look at practice questions then, and I was resigned to the fact that I'm probably screwed. 50% pass is no longer much of a consolation. For the first time in my life I'm doubting my ability to get 50% on a test. A lot of the time I say stuff like, "if it's just passing, I don't even need to try"--- so look, here I am, not even trying.

It saddens me to think that I will have literally wasted 3 months of my life if I fail my test on Monday. Yeah, liver metabolism is a piece of shit. I can't get over that topic. It just keeps on haunting me, because whenever I go to write about it, I realize I don't even know wtf I'm writing. When I panic I use the words glucose, glycogen, glycogenesis and glycogenolysis interchangeably, but they really don't mean the same thing. I also have a tendency to word-drop when I know nothing about a subject: like, oh look here's a big and scary word I heard on one of the few lectures I attended!

...Not that I know what the word even means most of the time.

I'm slowly becoming more and more resigned to being shit at biology--- and well, science in general. I should've totally just taken religious studies...tsk. I'll make more money through my "spiritual healing" than I ever will as a psychiatrist, anyway. And who knows, people might even be grateful.

All That Agony

Yeah, I feel like I should've never come back down south for study vacation. It's only been a week and I remember why I left this fucking place. Fuck my life. I forget way too quickly. Dad's still himself: that is, still a as irritating as ever, and all he ever fucking does is tell me to study harder and ask me random medical things: "do you know the difference between delinear and dementia?" So I say no, I don't know what "delinear" is. Then he smiles like he's won something over me, and taunts me a little because ehhhh I don't know the fucking difference between delinear and dementia. Now you think it's some kind of cute joke that happens in the family--- yeah no, all it does is piss me off.

Especially since he pulls the same thing every 5 minutes.

I didn't feel like replying after a while, because it was fucking annoying--- and you know what, I eventually figured out by "delinear" he in fact meant "delirium" and I DO KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DELIRIUM AND DEMENTIA, FUCK YOU. ARGH.

Then there's always the "what are you studying" questions, so I say "I'm studying respiration and what happens to the lungs when we breathe and cough"--- then Dad decides he wants to go on about the brain because breathing is an autonomic function and all he did was repeat the word "pons" over and over again. I could not wait to escape dinner.

Not to mention the fact that they once again fought over when to add the fucking beef into the hot pot. I hate hot pots. My memories of it are horrific. Every single fucking time, an argument erupts over the most most mundane thing ever. And I'm just sitting there, eating, because I hate my life and I'm the only one who's more interested in eating than fighting over random shit.

I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life.

Study Vacation Update III

I hate biology. Did I ever mention that? I don't think I did. I've hated it since year 8 science, where I got a B for the semester because I failed my biology test so goddamn hard. I could not remember the different kingdoms phylums whatever the fuck else there was and I just gave up on bio. Fast forward a little, I discover that I also hated physics but for some reason chemistry was alright. By now I've of course become disillusioned about the subject of chemistry, and I note that all this nomenclature is structure of chemicals is pure headache material. It's not that I don't see its importance, it's just something I never want to have to invest myself into.

So here I am, studying for the sake of job security, money and social prestige. If this doesn't amount to something in the end I will hate all my past decisions, because I do feel that I'm wasting the best years of my life on something I have very little interest in. I wish I had more shits to give about anatomy of the upper and lower limbs or liver metabolism; I really do. However, the truth remains that my entire course bores me except for the 2 weeks where we studied the brain, but even then I can't remember shit. It's funny because we looked at dementia (specifically Alzheimer's) and I'm like, "I don't remember".

See, even my sense of humour is wearing thin.

I just want to have my exams now. This study break is torturous.

Study Vacation Update II

I'm pretty sure I've played more games/ read more irrelevant novels than I have actually studied. Now that the dread of failing my mid semester exam is looming over my head--- I don't know why I still wake at noon, eat casually while blogging and not give a shit. Maybe it's because deep down I don't believe that I will fail, so I'm just doing nothing. I'd hate to be proven wrong in the exams though.

The sky's been dark all day, and it rained all morning. I generally love a grey sky, but today it feels somewhat depressing. Most likely because I'm cold at the same time, and my room is dark except for the glow of my laptop. If it wasn't for the stress of my pressing exams, I would probably feel that the entire situation was rather poetic. It's on days like these that I just want to sit on my couch or bed, and watch a movie about a tragic love story.

Too bad, exams.

I do hate study vacation.

Study Vacation Update

So I've done what I do every weekend: watch the latest Devil Survivor 2 episode and then watch the latest Game of Thrones episode. Except the 3rd season of GoT is officially over and I feel like I'm going to have withdrawal spasms very, very soon.

As for study? Yeah, I've done a little bit. I've forced myself back to the topic of liver metabolism for God knows how many times, and so far I've concluded that you do in fact, need a "liver" to live. Giving up on the liver due to the fact that I can't be bothered looking at it any more, I decided to move onto the structure and function of the skin. And you know what, the skin is way more complex than it seems. So when someone tells me again that I only care about what's skin deep---- well, they can go fuck themselves because knowing someone skin deep is trippy as balls.

Also, while looking at the skin--- my cancer paranoia scale just hit a new height, as I finally understand the mechanisms for skin cancer. I have also recently convinced myself that I have regular mini-heart attacks, because my chest constricts whenever I think about having heart attacks.

I don't want to study. I want to sleep, play LoL (alright, maybe not play LoL), and sleep some more. Also, I want to move up to the northern hemisphere for some warmth and sunshine.

Devil Survivor Craze

So I'm down south again for what's supposed to be my "study vacation", though the term itself sounds horribly ironic. Judging from the fact that I woke up at 11am and the only thing I've done is watch the latest episode of Devil Survivor 2, you can see how productive this whole thing will turn out to be.

You may recall my Devil Survivor 2 obsession from last year, from playing the game during winter break, and my ongoing obsession with the anime. I commented on how the gay tension was so high that at one point I wished the characters would just kiss and get it over and done with. Given that, I don't know what the fuck was up with this episode.

The story's been sort of okay, and one of the female leads has to let her body be possessed by a demon-god so that she'd have the power to face the enemy. Except of course the fragile human body can't contain demon-gods, so she's gonna die in the process. Predictably, the protagonist reaches out to her in the last minute, and cries something along the lines of "NOOOO, DON'T DIE. DON'T CHOOSE DEATH. I WANT YOU TO LIVE. I WILL PROTECT YOU, YOU CAN'T GIVE UP" and whatever other generic shounen-anime dialogue there is.

Then the protagonist holds her in his arms as they levitate in the sky, and I feel it's like the producers are trying to make up for all the gayness that's built up throughout the show. Except not really, because only minutes before the protagonist saved the girl, he was tangling with his "boyfriend", and as his "boyfriend" was being targeted the protagonist quickly shoves him out of the way before exploding shounen-anime-last-minute powers and saving everyone.

Then after the whole sequence was over you hear the "boyfriend" declaring "[the protagonist] is mine" and that he will kill the girl if she gets in his way--- and I'm like, "I think he's jealous..."

Yeah, I've enjoyed the Devil Survivor 2 anime. I started watching only because the NDS game Devil Survivor 2 was one of my favourite games of all time--- and the anime was only vaguely reminiscent of the game. Not that it mattered, because the only reason I kept watching was because I liked the gay tension that had built up between the protagonist and the 2 most attractive male leads. I had noticed pretty soon that they had given one of the side characters major screen time, and now I know because he's the "crazy boyfriend".

Anyway, there are like, 3 episodes to go, and I can't wait to see the ending. In a way though I do really want the series to be over because the build up to the finale is tearing me up, and I want to see exactly who will live and who will die, since the producers have conveniently killed off a bunch of major characters because it made the story easier to contain.

Yay Devil Survivor craze.

Vane the Mouse Hunter

Tonight I had a massive craving for mi goreng and no intent to cook, so I decided to grab some mi goreng. Pulling open my drawer, I catch the sight of the ass of a mouse dangling in the back of the drawer, and I jumped back with an "OH HOLY SHIT" after slamming the drawers shut. Then I remembered I wasn't scared of mouse, I was scared of spiders, so I opened the drawers again. The mouse was of course, gone.

Inspecting my mi goreng, I notice how the outside packaging has been chewed open, and there were bits of plastic every where. Also, there were mouse faeces everywhere. I decide not to chase the mouse down, because in my head all I can think of is "disease disease disease, I'm going to die from a fucking mouse". As I pull apart the rest of the packaging of the mi goreng, I also notice how the mouse actually ate some of it. Wow, turns out mice likes mi goreng, too.

Anyway, after Googling "mouse in house what do" I've figured that I should probs get a mouse trap. Except I don't actually want to kill the mouse, because while it did chew through my book and shit through my drawers- at least it's only the cover page, and the shit was--- yeah alright it was pretty bad. But I still don't want to kill the mouse. So the plan is to grab a mouse trap--- EXCEPT I'M LEAVING TOMORROW SO EVEN IF I TRAP IT WHEN I COME BACK IT'LL HAVE STARVED TO DEATH. Alternatively, I could leave it, but since it already chewed through my book, I assume my room will be empty and the singular mouse will have multiplied to a million.

I haven't quite given up looking for the mouse yet, though I'm not sure what I'll do once I find it anyway. I'm just kind of inspecting the corners of my room with a torch trying to locate the furry little bastard. So far I'm thinking that leaving a cereal trail out of my room is a good idea, but I don't know if that's going to work because I've only ever seen something like it in Tom and Jerry.

Gah, FML. I'm getting destroyed by a mouse.

About that Game of Thrones Episode...

So, latest episode of GoT (s3e9), most traumatic experience yet. Idk how to continue writing this post without spoilers, so I'll just say, a major character died. Well, more than one major character died, depending on how you look at it.

I can't say I didn't see it coming, because I was so keen to know what happened next I spoiled the story for myself by reading synopses of all the novels. So I did see that coming. Except I totally wouldn't have expected it if I didn't already spoil everything. What was so amazing about the show, right, was that it played out the plot sooooo incredibly well. I was lured into a false sense of security (just like the characters who died), and I was thinking, "huh, maybe they're not going to die after all. Maybe the writers changed the script". Then BAM. It happened. Slaughter everywhere.

It was way more tragic than I imagined. I knew there was going to be a slaughter, and I knew the definition of the word slaughter, except when they were actually slaughtered, I still grimaced. I marvel at how amazing the show is though: even when I knew the outcome the episode still managed to surprise me.

Anyway, season 3 of GoT is almost over, and I'm kinda sad because I have to wait ages before the next season. I feel like I should do what I see other people doing, printing out a picture of Emilia Clarke as Daenerys, sticking it on a pillow and then crying to sleep with it.

...Except I might replace Daenerys with Jaime Lannister.

Sarishinohara

I've been in love with this song called "Sarishinohara" since the day before yesterday. I've had it on repeat since then, and I've wanted to listen to nothing else. I'm quite amazed at how I'm still not tired over this song- even though I barely understand what the lyrics are about (because I've been learning Japanese for a grand 3 months).

It's just been a long time since I've heard something so beautiful. It's...phonetically pleasing, to say the least. Eh, it's one of the reasons I started learning Japanese, anyway. Words just sounded...prettier, even though I had no idea wtf was being spoken about.

Speaking of Japanese--- I've become less worried at failing recently, because apparently the class started learning Kanji--- it's glorious, watching people learn how to write 1-10 and I don't have to give a shit. Yeah, I still haven't managed to turn up to a single class of Japanese. Do I feel bad? Yeah, I guess? All that wasted money- so much learning I could've gotten out of actually going to the classes. My life seems to be an endless repetition of wasted opportunities.

Not that I always get what I want when I reach out and try to grab it. Last time that happened--- heh, +1 to unsuccessful confessions. Not that I really have a record of unsuccessful confessions- or confessions in general, for that matter. See, even if I fail in confessing many times, if I just kept at it, by chance alone one of them is bound to say "yes". Maybe if I wasn't so uppity about who I found attractive, I'd be more successful in finding someone. It's just that whenever the thought crosses my mind, that my standards are too high--- I immediately think, "bitch I'm fabulous. Why shouldn't my standards be high".

I'm going to grow old and die lonely. I can see it now. 

Learning to Draw

Because I was in a pretty bad mood last night, and because liver metabolism turned out to be boring as fuck, I decided to spend a couple of hours drawing. I decided I wanted to color my drawing- and I actually want to color a lot of my drawings, but I fail at using software and using a mouse to draw is really, really hard. After being on tumblr for a bit and getting depressed over the fact that my own drawings look like shit in comparison to most of the things on there, I decided that I could maybe redeem myself if I figured out how to use one of these fancy drawing programs.

I got as far as locating the paintbrush in GIMP 2.0. After seeing the complex series of steps that went into creating an actual image, I basically went "nup, fuck this" and splashed some monotone colors. It actually looks cool though. Well, it's the coolest thing I thought I've drawn in ages.

And after I've said all that, I don't actually want to upload my drawing...

Anyway, so far I still haven't given up on my plans to buy an expensive tablet at the end of this year. If I can go back to my previous Christmas casual job or find a new one which pays at roughly the same rate, I should be able to make it. Yes, it would be cheaper if I just kept on buying sketch books because I can buy 250 sketch books that'd take me a lifetime to fill anyway, but I hate how messy it is when I'm trying to draw.

Right, gotta make money. Gonna buy a tablet. Gotta find time to draw. It will happen.