Yuri!!! On Ice

This is THE anime of 2016, really. I thought it was a treat getting a 5th season of Natsume Yuujinchou (that show still tugs at my heartstrings) but Yuri!!! On Ice (YOI) made history (heh). For reals though when I saw the title I thought of ice as in the recreational drug, as opposed to a show about competitive figure skating...

-----------Welcome to spoiler territory--------------------

YOI was really atypical for what was marketed as a sports anime. Even though the main character, Katsuki Yuri, was a bit of a disappointment in terms of his figure skating career, I didn't come to hate him for his weakness, like I do so many other protagonists. Yuri's experience resonated with a lot of traumatic experiences I've had in regards to anxiety, and his desire to perform and to redeem himself, despite seeing himself as "average" is a strange oxymoron that I feel I relate to. The fact that he struggles on is probably my favorite part of this show- he doesn't just randomly "get over it", his anxiety is still there- he just performs despite his anxiety.

The other part of YOI brings up a strange topic for me- the portrayal of relationships. I don't know why, but for a lot of media directed towards women, specifically, there are a lot of suggestions of homoeroticism. Not that there's anything inherently WRONG with that, but I don't like it when it's forced into the story, when the characters are actually independent of each other. A term I've seen used is "queerbaiting", where the show displays subtexts of a queer relationship without any intention of following through the relationship on screen. That's what I thought I was in for, with this anime.

From episode one there's this ?random scene of a handsome guy called Viktor Nikiforov showing up in a hot spring resort run by Yuri's parents, and he decides to stand up, in his glorious nudity, and says "Yuri I'll be your coach". I mean, whew, what an introduction. It was comical, so I laughed it off, but I started getting a bit annoyed in subsequent episodes, where there would be small scenes of Viktor pressing on Yuri's lips with his fingers, or scenes of close physical contact with Yuri. I was kind of jaded at that point, and I thought, "wow I wish they'd stop, if they're not going to take this any where. If it's a show about skating then focus on the fucking skating". About half way through though, there was a change in mood, and Yuri and Viktor's relationship began to seem more and more authentic. I thought, "can this show get more gay", and then show told me that "yes, yes it can".

By episode 10 Viktor and Yuri are engaged, and then it dawned on me. Huh. That's it. They're engaged. They're like, actually gay. I wasn't just "seeing things" because I think the characters are cute together. It's not queerbaiting after all. Holy fuck this show is ACTUALLY portraying a gay relationship. My jaw hit the floor. It's not that I didn't see it coming, but it's more like I saw so much of it and dismissed EVERYTHING, and then it's like, "wait, what????" Well, I definitely didn't see the engagement coming, because I didn't expect their relationship to go anywhere. It was such a strangely pleasant surprise.

Huh...they're swapping rings...huh.

Today the last episode aired, and I woke up early-ish to watch it. It was... kind of disappointing. I felt like I had zero closure, empty and hollow on the inside. The climax of the anime was this event called the Grand Prix Finals, which is like, an international skating competition that has a bit of prestige in the skating community. I knew shit all about skating before this anime, and it's like a different world. Anyway, Yuri barely qualifies for the finals, and he finishes 4th in the first half of the program, having messed up some moves. I expected him to make a comeback in his free skating and win gold, but uh, he ends up getting silver by 0.12 points. There was so much talk and build up and I just really wanted him to win, he's the protagonist and all. I can tell it's this show wanting to surprise us, being like, "hahah, you expect the protagonist to make a comeback and win, but jokes on you, he comes second but he's still happy about it". Except I'm all, "wait, I'm not happy about it. Fuck this show".

Like, surprises are nice, they're refreshing. YOI is immensely refreshing, since it breaks all your expectations and cliches. HOWEVER, cliches are used for a reason. Just because Yuri winning gold at the end of the anime would be cliche, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Like for fuck's sake why do I care about his RIVAL winning gold. Fuck that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Anyway the show's setting up for a season 2, and because I'm so dissatisfied with the way season 1 ended, I'll definitely watch season 2. Mostly because I'm bitter and whewww that ending felt so...rushed. Like, without a season 2, this would just be another anime that started so well and ended in spectacular mediocrity. I mean, it's nothing compared to the Bleach ending, but I don't really want to follow a show that pulls a "Bleach ending" on me.

YOI did get me interested in real life figure skating though. In the men's singles, the reigning world champ is this guy called Hanyu Yuzuru, and I looked up his record-breaking performances. He literally skates like an anime character, with his flashy moves and perfection. I mean, you can draw a character and have that character be perfect, but Yuzuru matches that, which means he's a bit of a legend.

Welp, I'm really looking forward to next year now. If YOI ends in a similar manner in season 2, I'm so fucking done.

Season of Love

It's strange how I live my life paralyzed with fear sometimes, only to discover that I am loved more than I ever realized. There have been so many things I've wanted to say to so many people, but nothing meaningful escapes my lips. It was fine, though. They talked instead, and they said all the things I should have said, and gave all the replies I wanted to hear, and in the end there was no need for apologies, as my shame and my guilt and my fears have been forgiven. All I could give then, was "thank you".

Maybe it's time for me to move beyond the fact that my parents don't know me, or that they love me very conditionally. I may be their eternal shame, but today I experienced from another a magnitude of unexpected kindness that shook my world. Just because my parents brought me to this world doesn't mean they will support me or…anything. It doesn't mean anything. Yet time and time again other people have let me know that I deserve to live in this world, and that my will to live on is justified.

Parental love is perhaps one thing I will never receive, but it is clear to me now that I am loved by others around me. I could not sustain myself without the affection of others, but I now accept that affection from my parents is unnecessary. I've spent so long basking in good fortune, but I was blinded by my misery. And now I know, I really do have it all.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for your kindness.

One Month Later

Every year I feel like I've hit a new low in life, but towards the end of this year, life has been surprisingly good. Never mind that I started in January in the worst throes of depression, as of now, I feel good.

For the first time since medical school started, I felt confident that I had passed the semester. Not that I didn't brace myself for failure, but I thought I did "alright" on my papers. I was a bit hesitant in my oral exam, and failed spectacularly in some stations, but otherwise I think I was fine. And so it wasn't much surprise that I had passed, but it was still the greatest relief. I had such a good time this semester, if I didn't have the results to show for it, it would have been highly disappointing. Also I feel as if I worked decently hard, so if I had to repeat that (and put in more effort, in that case) I would have been quite devastated.

I hardly blogged at all this semester, so let me tell you a bit about school.

I kicked off the semester with an elective in cardiothoracic surgery. "Open heart surgery", if you will. Yeah, I got to see the beating heart in someone's chest, and it slowly came to a stop as the potassium kicked in. The person was kept alive through a bypass machine. I must have told you at least once before, but the theatres were fucking freezing, and the whole thing was interesting for roughly one minute before I wanted to escape. Too bad open heart surgery takes HOURS to complete. Anyway I got through that without doing a lot of work, but I didn't have a lot of commitment either, so I got out feeling quite alright.

Then I had a 2 week holiday, most of which I spent playing League.

A two week geriatrics rotation, which was interesting in terms of pathology and disease, but downright depressing when it came to the patients. I've never seen anyone so vulnerable- the compound of age, disease and frailty is a scary sight to behold.

Then I started a six week internal medicine rotation, where I did not-much-work-at-all, until I knew I had exams coming up, so I ramped up my hours and effort invested. It got really stressful at one point, because I managed to FAIL a practise exam. I had 2 actual exams, and I'd passed one of them already, but between that and my final, I failed a round of practise quite spectacularly, and it was the most stressful thing. I did pass my final quite easily, so in retrospect I probably had a bad day when I'd fail practise. The 6 week rotation itself was rather uneventful. I couldn't quite tell you what I learnt or didn't learn, but I do feel better for having done it.

Afterwards it was a challenge of a whole new different level. I knew from the start that surgery wasn't my thing, but it's a course-requirement so I rolled with it. Getting out of bed at 5.30am was probably the worst thing about it. I did become incredibly disciplined through that habit, though. If you have enough will to force yourself out of bed at 5.30am, you have enough will to force yourself to study. I crunched through the textbook, the question banks, practise papers... you name it. The only thing I regret is my lack of clinical exposure- not that I didn't go to clinics, but it was all very... hazy. I didn't feel very involved, and it's something I'll have to work on next year.

Exams were a nightmare of their own, despite my preparation, I never did truly feel "ready". My written papers were "alright", as I mentioned before, then I had a 3 day panic attack leading up to my oral exam. I think I fasted from 8pm to 2pm the next day, because I couldn't eat until my exam was over. I didn't want to feel food churning in my stomach as I panicked, and the last thing I needed was intense vomiting before the exam. It was mostly...okay? A bit of a disaster, granted, but only a bit.

Then school was over, and I went out with my friends, spent a lot of money, ate lots of good food, and it was just really pleasant, in general. Now I'm on holidays, spending way too much time playing League once again, and the binge is quite real. The guilt of it all- my decadence and deplorable sloth- finally got to me yesterday. I started reviewing course content from previous years, and it stunned me how EASY it was to read. For once I understood what textbooks spoke about, words made sense, and I didn't have to search up every second word in the sentence in a medical dictionary. Nobody warns you that medicine is a foreign language to be learned- and no, Latin does not help as much as you think it would.

It's been a rough 4 years, but I'm proud of my progress. People often mention how if they could replay their life, they'd do this and that differently. If I had the opportunity to start over, I don't think I would appreciate it. Some experiences, whilst dramatic in their own right, are better off as singular events. Uni for me, is one such thing.

I'm so glad it's almost over.

Is it too early for New Years Resolutions

My year is pretty much ending soon anyway. Exams tomorrow (OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY'RE TOMORROW), nothing much else after. I'm no closer to pulling myself together, but at least I'm THIS close to passing my examinations. Let's make a list of what I need to achieve then, to be a half-decent person, yeah?

• Be less aggressive
• Be less passive-aggressive
• Be kind 
• Be kind to yourself
• Stop judging yourself
• Stop thinking bitter thoughts and writing bitter rants after midnight
• No more fantasies about killing yourself
• Drop that petty argument with your parents
• Call your "Dad" for once. Or more than once.
• Stop writing "Dad" with inverted commas just because you hate his guts and don't want to admit that he's your real father.
• Let your parents know that they're assholes, without using the word "asshole" or any other offensive language. 
• Try and go a whole 5 sentences talking with parents without crying like a little bitch or leaving the room.
• Try a bit harder in school. Fake it  a little better. Smile a little brighter.
• Maybe go to therapy like your doctor suggested
• Lose some weight. Gain some motivation. Run for a bit longer.
• See the sun rise WITHOUT the context of pulling an all-nighter for an assignment.
• Go meet that high-school maths teacher you so cherished, before you regret it.
• Go drink a little without thinking about pancreatic cancer.
• It's okay to get intimate with someone without first inquiring about their HIV and Hepatitis status. 
• At least if you HAVE to ask about it ask it in a non-offensive way.
• Finish reading your prescribed textbook, for ONCE in your goddamn life.
• Draw a little more. Write a LOT more. 
• Walk with your back straight.
• Stop being ashamed of who you are or what you do.
• At least pretend to not be ashamed of who you are or what you do.
• Don't be afraid to love, or admit to getting hurt now and again. Helps you stay alive.
• Do stay alive. Not just in body, stay alive in spirit.
• If life doesn't pick itself up, you pick yourself up and keep going.

Keep going.

Me; Selfish

It's one of those rare attacks on your character that can really do a number, being called "selfish". Whether I agree or not, it seems more offensive than being called "ungrateful" or "lazy". I don't know why I feel so insulted. I mean, I almost choked on the hypocrisy of being called that by my parents, but if I had to examine myself internally... yeah, I'm selfish.

I can't help but feel defensive about it. Like, fuck off of course I have the right to be selfish, all you know how to do is trample my fragile feelings, and because I have instincts of self-preservation now and again, I LEARN TO BE SELFISH. It's necessary, not because I want to (See now it just sounds like an excuse.)

Also I didn't want to get down to the core and open another can of worms, but what am I selfish about exactly, huh? Am I selfish for getting into medicine like you wanted me to? Am I selfish to complain that you forced me to do something I didn't want to, forced me to change my university course preferences back in the day??? Yeah alright that is selfish, I should really get the fuck over that some day. I'm going  to graduate one way or another, after all. I guess if I didn't agree to it, they couldn't have physically forced me--- but it's not like you need physical force for coercion, you know. When your mother starts crying and your "father" threatens to throw a temper tantrum every dinner, is that even a choice???

Getting over that- am I selfish because I can't stay heterosexual enough for your liking? Because my identity is a "choice" and I obviously "chose to be a freak". Fuck that. I guess I never did come out properly to my parents, but I thought they knew. See it was I that should have known better, because my parents never give a shit about ME, they only give a shit about this projection that they think is me. Beautiful A grade child getting into med school, bit prone to his "depression" but we all know that's just a joke- he'll surely thank us for this when he grows out of it. So no, they didn't know, and when they saw that I was different, they decided to call my hand unexpectedly last year. Fine, so I told them.

Boy that was a mistake.

Or was it? It's not like I could "hide" any longer. I also felt EXTREMELY indignant that I had to hide at all. Oh, so you're ashamed of me now? And you're mad that I can be comfortable with myself, at all. Well see here Sally, I didn't actually wake up one morning, realize I was different from most people, and get the fuck on with life. I toyed with the idea of self-destruction for the longest while, went into denial, went out of denial, then went back into denial AGAIN. And I wasn't proud of myself, no. I didn't think it possible to hate me more than I hated me. So I smile and tell everyone around me how much I love myself, because they better not find out I'm not half as confident as I seem. If I can't keep up appearances at school, then it would REALLY be game over.

Nobody really understands when I try to say my parents don't give a fuck about me though. After all, they paid for so many things, and they keep on trying to call me. On a superficial level, I have no right to say they don't care about me. Do you, reader, know what I mean though? They've made up this image, this expectation of what their child should be in their head, and any time I deviate the slightest from it, it becomes a drama festival. I've spent so much of my life pleasing them, so when I stop all of a sudden, it must feel like the biggest betrayal. I can imagine how they must feel.

Feels shit, yeah, when the expectation you've raised for over 20 years turn around and betray you. When your expectations want to walk away and start his own private health insurance, when your expectations want to live a state away from you, get a job not-exactly-the-way-you-wanted, and when your expectations refuse to pick up your calls now and again.

The thing is, just because I can imagine how they feel, doesn't mean I feel any more sympathy for their situation. Probably because I'm that expectation, and I don't feel so good either. Since I'm so selfish after all, I direct all my attention on what I want. It's the same as what they do, after all. We all chase after our own selfish desires, so why is it such a sin that I want to love and be loved in a certain way? I get it, I'm a manipulative twat even on a good day, but I'm a real consequentialist too, so if I get what I want in the end, it's fine.

Except I haven't gotten what I wanted, at all, so everything right now is in fact, not-fine.

Let me go revise for my exams for now, I'll finish this dank rant later.