Your Lie in April

I just finished watching this anime, about a prodigal pianist who quit after the death of his mother. He had a complicated relationship with music, but one day this amazing girl appeared in his life, and his world changed. I knew it was just anime, because it just doesn't happen in real life--- someone amazing like that doesn't just pop up and colour your monochrome world.

I wish they did.

As I watched I grew incredibly envious of the protagonist. He had his piano, he had his talent and friends and above all he had this girl who inspired him and motivated him and dragged him along when he was down. I felt like I spent so much of my life just waiting for someone to take my hand so that my life can begin. Then I realised I didn't want to be that kind of person, who just waits and waits for someone to pick him up. I wanted to sprint off like Miyazono Kaori in "Your Lie in April", that amazing girl who coloured the world around her. In this life I too, would rather be the short-lived shooting star that slashes across the night sky than a candle that glows dimly as it slowly burns.

It's a sad thing to realise, that a dying girl has more energy and motivation than you do. The possibilities of youth are supposed to be endless- I imagined something vibrant, full of spontaneity and vitality, but I'm left with this drawn out sense of numbness. Time just passes and I don't think, I don't feel, and I can't tell if I'm still moving. It was really painful before, when I was in absolute agony. I knew I was alive then because I wished I was dead. Now I don't feel much and I sometimes look around, and I wonder, "who am I, what am I doing here?" Maybe I have places I'm supposed to be and things I'm supposed to do, but I can't quite remember.

I think I'll travel a little after this semester's over. I'm supposed to be young, I have strong legs I can stand on. I think I'll go somewhere, find someone, and make my heart feel like it's beating again.