April...Fools

I plan on staying in my room all day so I don't see myself being pranked. It's nice a sunny outside, down south in the town where my parents live. Yeah, I'm visiting them. I had a long talk with my psychologist about why I keep on going back to what I classify as "an abusive relationship", and I came to understand that I needed to do this to feel good about myself, as a person. I decided at one point that I didn't want to be the kind of guy who abandons his family even though they treat him like dogshit, because I don't believe in "sweet vengence", and because I believe my deepest character flaws comes from my unwillingness to forgive, my penchant for petty manipulation and outright malice (because I can). I don't know what "love" is but I don't think this is love I feel. In my quest for self-improvement, this is perhaps one of my greatest obstacles.

There's nothing like a Saturday morning when you wake up to your parents yelling at each other at the top of their lungs, and that sound is mixed with the wailing cries of my young sister. I don't know why they torment each other so, and I don't know why they have so much discontent in their lives. I am often repulsed by the actions of my sister whenever I come back South to visit, thinking "this is such a rude kid", and it baffles me when my parents don't reprimand her. Then you get this morning, and I realised it's more like, ineffective and inconsistent parenting, where they'll let her off free once and then yell their heads off at her the next time, for the same fault on her part. How dare they act surprised when she yells at them to express her discontent or when her childish whims aren't satisfied- they have taught her one an only one way to communicate when unhappy, and she's using what she's learnt.

It's easy to criticise others when you are not in their shoes, I know. I was never a parent, but I felt that I was saddled with the responsibilities of one when my parents left my sister in my care when I was younger. I was apparently a replacement babysitter- saved us money, for sure, but there was a lot of bitterness on my end, because I didn't get to decide to have a child. It all felt wildly unfair to me, anyway.

Ahhhh being in my parents' house is exhausting. They make so many demands on my time, take everything I do for granted, and I know I'll never meet their expectations. It's a futile struggle, for sure, and to surround myself around these people is to surround myself with unpleasantries. When I leave, however, I'll know that I did what I had to do to feel okay about myself, that I was someone who visited parents he didn't like, because he believed that made him a good person.

I'm going to have my own family some day, I swear. Then I'll have someone to love.