Reality Catch Up

I'm due to graduate soon, and it seemed like only yesterday I was whining about how "my dad made me do med and I don't want to be here". I'd like to think I've come very far since then.

Firstly I've decided to take responsibilty for my own decisions (or indecisions), and stop blaming shit on my dad.

Secondly I no longer speak to my dad.

Most importantly, I've realised that my life is my own, and after a few close calls I'm learning that my life may end very abruptly. Given that is the case, I should stop concerning myself with what other people may think and live how I would want to live a short and limited life.

The thing that keeps pulling me back is thinking about all the things I would like to have, before I died. There are so many reasons why I don't want to die in this moment. There are people I need to meet, books I need to finish reading, things I want to have learnt and done- legacies I wish I could pass on. My dreams are not all about standing up on stage in front of a large crowd and impressing them in some way, shape, or form. I have other dreams like being able to run 5km without feeling like someone is stabbing me in the chest, or just watching a beautiful sunset with someone I dearly love. I don't have many people who I do love, but I cherish those I have and would like to be around them for as long as I can.

I think about the people I could meet, the lives I could change, and occasionally dream about meeting someone who I would love so passionately that I'd be willing to change for them.

So now I'm filling out job application forms, and realising I'm going to be working very hard for a very long time. It scares me. There's so much which I do not know, and it always bothers me that I will never know enough. At the end of the day I always come back to doubt myself- is it because I'm too stupid or is it because I didn't try hard enough? I don't like to think that I'm too stupid for the job- mostly because I see people who are waaaaaay worse than I am, and they seem to do alright. At least that way I can tell myself "I just need to try a bit harder next time".

What also scares me is how far I've planned out my life. I feel like I'm about to make some major decisions regarding where I want to live for the next 10 or so years, and those years will be the peak of my youth and vitality. It seems stupid to plan that far ahead when only moments ago I decided, "live life fully because you might die tomorrow". I guess I'm slightly conflicted, in that way.

I get ahead of myself way too easily. Maybe all the things that sound like an absolute struggle to me now will come easily and mindlessly one day. I think if my 18 year old self met me now, he would be so impressed. I can be proud of that.