I went to church

I didn't realize so many of my friends were Christian- probably because they're not very similar to what I imagine when I think of "Christians". I'm not close-minded enough to think that all Christians behave like those people who form the Westboro Baptist Church, but I've honestly never had a good impression of most religions, in general. The more people talk about their faith or their practices, the more uncomfortable I become. It's strange because I never thought it was weird lighting incense to pray for rain from the dragon-lords, back when I went to China. It also didn't feel too bad to listen to preaching about how the world lives in natural order, and any disturbance of balance should be avoided (it's strange to think nobody wants to suffer through an illness and die from it the "natural" way, though). However, when I went to church with my Christian friends for the first time, it felt so strange. And not strange in a good way.

I don't know much about Christianity, and my friends are trying to teach me every day. I guess it's the way they teach that is bothering me, after all. To me, Genesis is just a story- a strange one, too. But when my friends tell me these stories, they speak as if it had factually happened, and THAT really irritates me. It shouldn't surprise me though, because OF COURSE they believe it happened, that's what their religion is about, right. The story was totally convoluted though, and the "moral of the story" is something that still makes me go ?????? The lengths people go to, to justify how it happened and why it happened, under the premise that everything is true, boggles my mind to this day. It's because they operate under this one premise, that "this really happened and God is real", that they can come up with logic and explanations that seem entirely convoluted and very bizarre. Then they brush it all aside and state, "God works in mysterious ways we cannot hope to comprehend", followed with, "however, if you wish to be closer to Him, you may reach to him through prayer and diligent study of the Bible". At this point, for me, it's like "why??? why do I want to go to such efforts to understand this mysterious entity through all this effort", and I swear that is every Christian's favorite question, because the answer is always, "because God is great and mighty and he loved us, and he gave his only son for us----"

See I've definitely heard the same spiel waaaaay too many times for comfort.

I can understand why my friends try so hard and are so enthusiastic to convert me, though. They honestly believe that I'm going to hell for my sins, and that they're trying to save me so that I repent. Like, if I saw my friend trying to walk into a pit of fire, and I truly believed they were going to die from said action, I would probably try to stop them with the same ferocity. It's just that... there is no evidence that their God is real. There is only faith, and I must say it is a faith I do not share, and do not wish to share, either. I understand that for some people, the idea of "God" is comforting. This gives them strength, and lets them live on. I've witnessed the power of religion in healing, many times. People might not physically get better, but they feel better, and that's important, too. It's just that I can't deal with the whole package that comes with Christianity, starting from whether God is actually real to whether Jesus existed. Is he one person, or is he a bunch of people whose actions merged into one Godly figure? Honestly the "virgin birth" thing sounds like what you'd say if you wanted to get away with premarital sex in a misogynistic society, and when you think about it, it'd be nice not getting stoned to death for sleeping with someone you later regretted.

Then the whole, "he died for our sins" bit. I could've sworn it was the issue that he got wrecked by Roman soldiers and nailed to a cross that caused him to die--- and if you want to be poetic, I guess he was crushed by the weight of our sins. The Christians claim he went through torture voluntarily, and he was the sacrificial lamb because God demanded retribution for the collective sins of humanity, but his death was painful enough to pay the price. I think he probably just got forced into a tough spot, had nowhere to go, was tortured because we are sick to people we have power over, and then his surviving followers had to make a story to cover up the public humiliation that his death was. The way they did it was ingenious, too. There is no dignity in being nailed to a cross, flogged naked and writhing in pain, in front of so many people. When you spin the story to say "he did it for us", all of a sudden you've tripped everyone with your guilt wire and there's a collective "oh shit" from everyone in the room.

As for "resurrection"... Failing to find a body afterwards isn't really the same thing as coming back to life. But you can't write a good story without blending believable historical moments with elements of fantasy, so let's say there were some eye-witness accounts and then he left our world, and BE GOOD NOW because he'll return on Judgment Day.

I'm so goddamn cynical right now, I don't think anything but the arrival of judgment day itself will allow me to believe any of this. But if there existed substantial evidence, it wouldn't be faith, would it? I would just be following a rational process. So when it comes to religion, the "trust without evidence" part bothers me, and the whole badly-written-fairy-tale part also bothers me.

Now that I've finished my rant about why Christianity bothers me, I must shamefully admit that I'm going back to church next week because people were really nice to me, and the pressure they put me through to go back to church is overwhelming. It wasn't like I wanted to say no and couldn't, it was that no one had been that enthusiastic about me attending something that I didn't even want to say no. These church people who I'd never met before, they were all " Vane you're really important to us and we want to see you again", and like it SHOULD be weird as fuck since they don't know me at all and they're being so nice but I know because of their "faith" (that I lack) that they totally mean it and they probs do actually, sincerely want me back, because they think they're doing God's work and spreading his message.

Like I don't mind hearing their perspective. I get really touchy about the issues regarding gay people, abortion, sex and basically politics and religion is a dirty mix. It's just that this church I went to speak their opinions (which I totally disagree with and feel totally grossed out by) in a very respectful and civil way that I don't feel like I should ignore them. When I attend church I just see a bunch of people who fundamentally disagree with a lot of my views but they try to change my mind in a way that isn't like, offensive, and it just feels too intellectual even though I think their beliefs are strange and nonsensical. Certainly the juxtaposition has left me confused, but I try to live my life simply, and I've decided that I DO like these Christians whose views I disagree with, and that yeah I think I'd like to go to church if they want me there so badly.

Just because we don't believe the same things, doesn't mean we can't be friends, ya know?