Recently

Sorry for the recent depressing posts, here's a less depressing one.

My 22nd birthday passed without any hassle, and school has started once again. I have to wake early every morning to catch the bus, but I'm enjoying learning for the first time in about 4 years. Everything just started making sense all of a sudden, and there's this familiarity of "I've heard this before!" Or maybe it's because the topics have become more interesting, but either way, I'm happy about my education.

As for last term- well, results are released soon. I'm restless thanks to the anticipation, but if I fail it'll be a huge disappointment. I've had a good few weeks since the exams ended, and I just don't want the "feel good" phase to end. Over this period I caught up with friends, drank more alcohol than I should've (well, my friends would tell you it wasn't that much and I'm a filthy light-weight), and I did very little study. It's good now, though, I can open a textbook and not feel despair.

I did something really stupid thing today, though. I started arguing with someone on Facebook. I knew I shouldn't have posted, but I just couldn't resist. It wasn't much of an argument. Someone posted an article, and the situation described in the article was one I resonated with and understood-- though I did not experience it personally. Then you go into the comment section on Facebook and I almost choked on the bullshit someone tried to make me swallow.

I hesitated for a while (quite a while), because I really didn't want to be a keyboard warrior. I thought to myself, "well, I would have spoken up if someone said this to my face, but what use is starting an argument on Facebook". Then I remembered back to my grandiose dreams back in high school- because I was good at giving oral presentations, I thought I'd be a good debater. Instead I just flailed and got caught up in anxiety, and nothing ever became of it. I still have dreams of talking in front of a lot of people, being a motivator, an advocate- but that's just a dream, right? I'm not that kind of person- I want the fame without the publicity and all the shit that goes with it.

Then I thought, "if I want to be some kind of influential advocate, what use is sitting behind my screen, experiencing angst, and remaining silent. If I can't even play 'keyboard-warrior' in this moment, I really won't have courage to say what I think and stand for what I believe." I don't want to say things because I don't want my comment to be seen- I don't want to be scrutinized, to have my personal history dug up and used against me- but I realized, so what, if someone did that. If I won't speak for something- then it's because I'm ashamed of it. And if I'm ashamed it's because, deep down, I know there's something wrong. Well, I decided I wasn't actually ashamed in this case, and people can say whatever the fuck they want about it, but it's not like I was fundamentally wrong, or could be proven fundamentally wrong.

So I said what I said, to the comment which almost made me choke, and of course the original poster just replied with a further slew of bullshit, that if I took any of it in, I would have full-blown sepsis and die as a consequence. Instead of replying further to "prove my point", I decided to recruit my more argumentative friends, and made an angsty post, to attract attention and make other people join in the conversation. That worked, but my angsty posts are still there and I feel bad for being so strangely manipulative.

I don't even know what the point of me writing all this is. I guess I just wanted to prove that sometimes, I want to be a "social justice warrior", and there are things in this world which I feel passionate about, and there are things I want to change. I probably wont' end up as the protagonist in shounen manga, but I'll find a way to do something that means something to me, and to everyone else. One day.