Hah

Sorry for not blogging for a while- I had exams and they were kind of stressful. I'm convinced that I failed one major topic, and I'm just praying now that my overall marks make up for it. It's kind of pitiful, isn't it, how far I've fallen. I used to get so stressed about 0.5% of an assignment, or whatever extra marks I could have gotten. I want to say I've stopped caring, but it's more like, I've stopped showing that I care.

Anyway I'm technically on holiday right now, my family is a "pleasure", as usual. There's a calm surface but probably a vortex of terror brewing beneath. I just want to leave before I get sucked into some more bullshit. I'm surrounded by such ignorant and hurtful people. I don't even want to be here, but my parents make it sound like the greatest sin- that I don't want to see them again. If I had to explain it like they were 5, it'd be like, "well you see, when you say certain things a certain way, it hurts my feelings. And when you do that repeatedly, I don't want to see you again, because I don't enjoy being hurt over and over".

Actually I said that to them already- heh. And guess what, they said they were just telling the truth, and that they don't think it was hurtful; I was just too sensitive. That actually made me more angry. What a load of shit. I've said again and again, that my biggest fear is becoming someone like my "father", because sometimes he's just a shitty excuse for a human and now that he's becoming old and feeble, I pity him but the disgust is certainly growing as well.

But eh, life goes on, and I don't ever want to think about ending my life again. I think my life is precious to me, and when people make me feel like life isn't worth living, they should be the ones to leave, not me. I'm not murderous enough to think, "what if I kill them before I kill me", but if I shut them out of my life- well, that's easier said than done, but even if it doesn't make me "happy", not being perpetually depressed is a good start.

So what have I been up to? Well, I started watching a new anime- Kiznaiver. It's a great anime, I'd recommend it to anyone who likes coming-of-age stories. It's about a group of high school kids, who are bonded together by pain- so that when one person is hurt, everyone else hurts as well. I grew jealous as I watched the show- I wish those who had hurt me the most would be bound by my pain, so that they can taste what they have inflicted. And I promise, they will NOT have to gall to say, "that wasn't hurtful, you're just too sensitive".

This is why I've become such a shitty person. I focus too hard on hurting people, because I want my pain to be felt. I know life's unfair, and I'm not even trying to make it any better, I just want to destroy because I'm on the receiving end of it all. Then I wonder- what would life be like for those living in poverty and desperation, if I, living in a resource-rich country, educated at a tertiary institution, toy with thoughts of self-harm and suicide. It also makes me feel ashamed, because it seems people in circumstances far more dire than my own, finds their will to live, and finds a way to do so, whereas I'm just floating around being a jackass.

But it's fine to admit I'm probably more prone to depression- you can say it's because I'm weak- but I think it's comparable to people who say they can't tolerate the cold. "Weak"- and they might have died if we didn't have things like... clothes and fires. Compared to penguins or something- who seem fine swimming in water with chunks of ice- not that it upsets very many people, that our thermal control aren't up to par with the penguins. We've overcome challenges nonetheless, and there are scientists stationed in Antarctica doing whatever they do, surviving the cold like the penguins are.

I'd like to think I can get better. People get depressed about all kinds of things, all the time.

So yes, I think I'll take the rest of my break easy, and avoid conflict where possible. I'll do a bit of reading, a lot more of gaming, and stay safe. Life's hard, and I just don't need any kind of negativity right now. Next semester should be really exciting, and I have so many things in this life, it'd be nice if I could explore a bit of my potential.