MLIA

I've been taking paracetamol for the last week and I woke up twice in an absurd amount of pain last night. Feels bad. I wish I had the paracetamol+codeine tablets left from when I had wisdom teeth surgery. I feel so lazy these days when I wake up in the afternoon... I think the worst part is where I don't get any work done, but fail to feel concern about not getting work done.

Also the crapshot internet I have at this place really isn't helping my motivation. Trying to get anything done and then disconnecting from the net every other minute... I mean, I should probably just go to the uni library if I want to be productive, but I'm not that keen on walking over when I'm in so much pain, alleviated only by lying still in bed.

The weather's so nice, but I don't feel as happy as I think I should be feeling. Maybe if I did force myself out for a bit it'd be nicer... Being in my room all day doesn't seem to be doing me any favors, other than the pain-control aspect.

My cold's gotten better though, compared to like, 3 days ago, so that's good. Things didn't go the way I wanted it to, and people who I guess aren't important in my life, are giving me a very hard time and I struggled to make it through Friday at all. I vaguely remember being on the verge of tears, and I messaged a friend in frustration saying I wanted to quit everything. He asked if it'd make me happy, and I had a feeling he'd tell me to do what made me happiest. Truthfully, quitting never made me happy, it just made me feel like a failure for a long time. And I needed a lot of adjustment the time I quit IB- well, that made me happy- in the long run. In the short run I was constantly mocked by my "father" about being a failure and not having enough "character" or whatever the fuck to continue doing anything in life.

I don't think I'll ever dislike a man as much as I dislike my biological father, and that's sad, really. It makes me sad. But when my mother tells me "it's not really his fault" and "YOU need to get over it, since it was so long ago", I just become bitter and start resenting her. Fuck dysfunctional families. Thinking about these people literally ruins my mood. It's like PTSD, every time I have to think about them it's like I'm stuck in a corner and I'm just reliving the "moment' again and again in my head, and before I know it I'm in a totally inappropriate situation, where I should be getting on with my day but I'm forced to hide the tears streaming down my face and tell people "it's my cold, I'm kinda congested" while burying my face in tissues.

This isn't the life I envisioned when I convinced myself it'd all be better back in 2012. I didn't want to be stuck in the same misery loop but here I am anyway. I feel like I need to DO something, because I'm gliding along some weird trajectory that I'm not sure I want. What should I do, what can I do, and what do I want to do- they seem to yield different answers, if I can think of an answer at all. My conflicting interests and desires make thinking extremely difficult, and at this stage I can't make myself "forget it all" and just get on with work.

Is this what it feels when you try and think your way out of a paper bag? How unpleasant.