Erased

Don't mind the seemingly-edgy title, it's the English title of an anime I watched recently. In Japanese it's known as "Boku dake ga inai machi" (using my very basic Japanese, I think it means 'the town where only I do not exist'). It's like this detective and crime anime, with sci-fi elements mixed into it. Really nice anime, you should watch it. Haven't seen anything this good, plot wise, for ages.

What I wanted to discuss, is this theme in the anime about "believing" in someone. The MC is framed of murder, and his friend at the time said she believed in him. The MC later surmised that, what she really means is "I want to believe in you". He reasoned that, if you believe in something, you don't have to say it, just as nobody says "I believe in the Sun",

And I totally agree with his line of thinking. I also think that, sometimes it's not about whether you believe in something or someone, it's more whether you want to believe, or rather, whether you're willing to believe. I may be taking this out of context a little, but it reminds me of how, in some of my darkest moments, I wanted to engage in deliberate self-harm so that I could make a scene, and make people "believe" I was suffering.

Well, don't tease me for it. It sounds ridiculous and very illogical, I know. I had no insight at the time. I was kind of depressed, too.

It brings me back to the time when I was around 14 or 15, and I had only just begun to discover the wonders of the internet, with our broadband connection just newly set up. I think the idea of mental illness was just beginning to pick up then, and among my age group then, it was often dismissed as a fad or something that distinguished you from your peers. Well, I think it does distinguish you, just not in a very nice way. Except at that age you don't care how stuff makes you look, you just want to be different. Being normal or mediocre was simply the worst outcome, and God knows I still think like that now.

People often said, "if you were truly suicidal, you wouldn't tell people about it, you'd just go quietly and try to off yourself". Then there was "people who self-harmed aren't really depressed, they're just wanting drama and attention". See, the most useful thing my teacher taught me this term was, "there is no such thing as "just" wanting attention". If I snap my fingers to wake you from your daydream- if I call out your name from across the street- I want your attention. What does it actually mean, to want attention? What does attention achieve, and what is the purpose behind gathering attention? Those are the things to think about, but really a lot of the time we don't get that far, and we stop our thoughts at, "well, he just wanted attention". Then we go about our self-righteous ways in ignoring the attention seeker, because that will surely fuel their attention-seeking behavior.

What I wanted to say in this post is... please try to believe, and learn to believe when someone tells you they want to kill themselves or that they are depressed. Most of us are socially developed enough to tell the difference between "I have so much homework I want to kill myself" vs "would you like to have my laptop and piano? In case I left for some place and couldn't take those with me". Really, all that people strive for is that simple, "I want to believe in you".

Besides, being suicidal hurts. Sure, life is terrible every now and again, and we struggle to find a reason to go on, but to wish for the world to shut down and to give up every hope of there being something better- now that's fucking miserable. Even though I complain a lot, I still cherish the feeling of the rays of dawn waking me gently, I cherish the feeling of the summer breeze against my face, the smell of flowers in the field, the soft grass beneath my feet and the waves washing between my toes. I live to reach the moment where I hold out my palm towards the one I love, and in the warmth of their hand I understand the meaning of "happiness" and wish for eternity. It's just that being depressed makes you forget all those things, temporarily, and you really need to make an effort to reclaim those nicer thoughts. And whoever said self-harm doesn't actually hurt- fuck off, it hurts like hell. It doesn't "dull your senses", it fucking hurts. It's like stabbing yourself in one leg to distract yourself from the gunshot in the other leg. So fucking dumb- and yet, I still get why people want to do it. Because sometimes the world fades to grey- you don't remember ever being colorblind, but there certainly is nothing vibrant about your surroundings. You eat food and you can't taste it, you turn on the music but you can't hear it- so then you engage in self harm and BAM sensation returns but ohhhh fuck it hurts.

Then you look back on it and go, "oh. that was stupid". And now you face the reality that people are going to hold your medical history against you for the rest of your life, because you're obviously batshit insane if you went that far, and welp enjoy your hot-steamy-pile of dogshit-stigma. But the good news is, if you ever get as far as to regret ever being depressed, chances are you're no longer depressed because at least you can think again. So go watch some anime, because Erased is legit good stuff, and it 's better than whatever else is showing at the moment.