Sleep would be nice

I say sleep would be nice because I haven't slept properly in 3 days. No, this is not quite my insomnia at its worst, it's more like "oh shit I have a tutorial early morning" rolled into "I need to get up early to pack" followed by spending a night at the airport because I missed my coach- and then even finding accommodation was going to be inconvenient if I needed to take the 5am coach the next morning. I don't think I'm making much sense, but through a series of unfortunate events I've landed in this situation, where I can't sleep because I have things to do, but I feel terrible.

I experience hypothermia when I'm sleep deprived. I know. You think eating food or a hot shower would make it better, but my body seems to just drop my temperature. I'm putting on layers but unable to retain any warmth. It's like my body's decided to shut-down without me.

I'm going to bed, see you in 15 hours.

MLIA

I've been taking paracetamol for the last week and I woke up twice in an absurd amount of pain last night. Feels bad. I wish I had the paracetamol+codeine tablets left from when I had wisdom teeth surgery. I feel so lazy these days when I wake up in the afternoon... I think the worst part is where I don't get any work done, but fail to feel concern about not getting work done.

Also the crapshot internet I have at this place really isn't helping my motivation. Trying to get anything done and then disconnecting from the net every other minute... I mean, I should probably just go to the uni library if I want to be productive, but I'm not that keen on walking over when I'm in so much pain, alleviated only by lying still in bed.

The weather's so nice, but I don't feel as happy as I think I should be feeling. Maybe if I did force myself out for a bit it'd be nicer... Being in my room all day doesn't seem to be doing me any favors, other than the pain-control aspect.

My cold's gotten better though, compared to like, 3 days ago, so that's good. Things didn't go the way I wanted it to, and people who I guess aren't important in my life, are giving me a very hard time and I struggled to make it through Friday at all. I vaguely remember being on the verge of tears, and I messaged a friend in frustration saying I wanted to quit everything. He asked if it'd make me happy, and I had a feeling he'd tell me to do what made me happiest. Truthfully, quitting never made me happy, it just made me feel like a failure for a long time. And I needed a lot of adjustment the time I quit IB- well, that made me happy- in the long run. In the short run I was constantly mocked by my "father" about being a failure and not having enough "character" or whatever the fuck to continue doing anything in life.

I don't think I'll ever dislike a man as much as I dislike my biological father, and that's sad, really. It makes me sad. But when my mother tells me "it's not really his fault" and "YOU need to get over it, since it was so long ago", I just become bitter and start resenting her. Fuck dysfunctional families. Thinking about these people literally ruins my mood. It's like PTSD, every time I have to think about them it's like I'm stuck in a corner and I'm just reliving the "moment' again and again in my head, and before I know it I'm in a totally inappropriate situation, where I should be getting on with my day but I'm forced to hide the tears streaming down my face and tell people "it's my cold, I'm kinda congested" while burying my face in tissues.

This isn't the life I envisioned when I convinced myself it'd all be better back in 2012. I didn't want to be stuck in the same misery loop but here I am anyway. I feel like I need to DO something, because I'm gliding along some weird trajectory that I'm not sure I want. What should I do, what can I do, and what do I want to do- they seem to yield different answers, if I can think of an answer at all. My conflicting interests and desires make thinking extremely difficult, and at this stage I can't make myself "forget it all" and just get on with work.

Is this what it feels when you try and think your way out of a paper bag? How unpleasant.

Stay

If I disappeared tomorrow,
Millions of people would go on with their lives.
They would smile, and laugh, and celebrate-
Nothing would have changed.

But knowing that if I disappeared tomorrow,
You would cease to smile
And tears would run down your face.
Well then,
That is enough for me to stay.

An Elaborate Rant of Mine

Sometimes people, within the confines of their limited, uneducated mind, falsely believe that they can tell you how to live your life. They mistake your choices for theirs, they preach that your decisions are immoral, weighed by a scale that they should be keeping for their private affairs. Quick to condemn, hasty to judge, without pausing to think, "wait, but what does this have to do with me?" Then they tirelessly push their own agendas onto you, sometimes without understanding the very evidence they quote, without understanding their opposition to your being, and they will continue to scrutinize every aspect of your life like it was their birthright.

For love is a sin, and by loving we are all sinners in His eyes. However, not all love were made equal, according to our prosecutors, for their love is greater than ours, and righteous, and ordered by nature, as if "natural" was synonymous with "good" and "order". And you silently stand there, not wishing to offend, for you cannot throw away your own civility now, when they have just thrown away theirs. After all, you did not suffer learning the delicate etiquette of modern human society, only to sink back onto the level of a pig-man in the dark ages.

We still live in an era, where reproduction is the only significance to our existence. That we should have offspring, and make sure our offspring have offspring, and the meaning of life is to branch our genetic pedigree, nothing more. Rabbits could do much the same, with greater efficacy than the human race can control; rats could breed without the social delicacy of "getting to know your partner" and "family planning". We treat women as if they were nothing more than child-birthing-machines, that fertility is their only value in this world, that they should be begging to carry our child in their bellies so that they have worth and identity. We tell women, "this is what you want", without considering the absurdity in telling someone what they like and do not like.

As we push to challenge the status quo, we are met with opposition who inspires a sense of hopelessness in us all. From the small child who imitates the coarse language of his parents, to the young lady who preaches our existence is a sin, to the violent man who beats his fifteen-year-old wife as she whispers, "this is my duty".

And this is the world we live in. This is what we are hoping to change. Because, for the most of us, we know- without the need for anyone to preach- that love is love. That we, despite not being Gods ourselves, have the ability to love. That we do not need to be told we live in sin, for as humans we are all less than perfect, but we endeavor to change for the better.  Our sins are for ourselves to judge, for when Judgment Day truly arrives we would have to backlog many millennia of grudges and hatred and persons wronged and injustices dealt- and our hurt is not soothed by knowing our enemies roast in the flames of an eternal hell, for a scar remains forever, and no amount of pain dealt to another will reverse what was done to you.

All that remains is to sail on against the tides of opposition- though it is unrealistic to expect the seas to part for us all, perhaps one day we can make it to shore without any casualties.

Erased

Don't mind the seemingly-edgy title, it's the English title of an anime I watched recently. In Japanese it's known as "Boku dake ga inai machi" (using my very basic Japanese, I think it means 'the town where only I do not exist'). It's like this detective and crime anime, with sci-fi elements mixed into it. Really nice anime, you should watch it. Haven't seen anything this good, plot wise, for ages.

What I wanted to discuss, is this theme in the anime about "believing" in someone. The MC is framed of murder, and his friend at the time said she believed in him. The MC later surmised that, what she really means is "I want to believe in you". He reasoned that, if you believe in something, you don't have to say it, just as nobody says "I believe in the Sun",

And I totally agree with his line of thinking. I also think that, sometimes it's not about whether you believe in something or someone, it's more whether you want to believe, or rather, whether you're willing to believe. I may be taking this out of context a little, but it reminds me of how, in some of my darkest moments, I wanted to engage in deliberate self-harm so that I could make a scene, and make people "believe" I was suffering.

Well, don't tease me for it. It sounds ridiculous and very illogical, I know. I had no insight at the time. I was kind of depressed, too.

It brings me back to the time when I was around 14 or 15, and I had only just begun to discover the wonders of the internet, with our broadband connection just newly set up. I think the idea of mental illness was just beginning to pick up then, and among my age group then, it was often dismissed as a fad or something that distinguished you from your peers. Well, I think it does distinguish you, just not in a very nice way. Except at that age you don't care how stuff makes you look, you just want to be different. Being normal or mediocre was simply the worst outcome, and God knows I still think like that now.

People often said, "if you were truly suicidal, you wouldn't tell people about it, you'd just go quietly and try to off yourself". Then there was "people who self-harmed aren't really depressed, they're just wanting drama and attention". See, the most useful thing my teacher taught me this term was, "there is no such thing as "just" wanting attention". If I snap my fingers to wake you from your daydream- if I call out your name from across the street- I want your attention. What does it actually mean, to want attention? What does attention achieve, and what is the purpose behind gathering attention? Those are the things to think about, but really a lot of the time we don't get that far, and we stop our thoughts at, "well, he just wanted attention". Then we go about our self-righteous ways in ignoring the attention seeker, because that will surely fuel their attention-seeking behavior.

What I wanted to say in this post is... please try to believe, and learn to believe when someone tells you they want to kill themselves or that they are depressed. Most of us are socially developed enough to tell the difference between "I have so much homework I want to kill myself" vs "would you like to have my laptop and piano? In case I left for some place and couldn't take those with me". Really, all that people strive for is that simple, "I want to believe in you".

Besides, being suicidal hurts. Sure, life is terrible every now and again, and we struggle to find a reason to go on, but to wish for the world to shut down and to give up every hope of there being something better- now that's fucking miserable. Even though I complain a lot, I still cherish the feeling of the rays of dawn waking me gently, I cherish the feeling of the summer breeze against my face, the smell of flowers in the field, the soft grass beneath my feet and the waves washing between my toes. I live to reach the moment where I hold out my palm towards the one I love, and in the warmth of their hand I understand the meaning of "happiness" and wish for eternity. It's just that being depressed makes you forget all those things, temporarily, and you really need to make an effort to reclaim those nicer thoughts. And whoever said self-harm doesn't actually hurt- fuck off, it hurts like hell. It doesn't "dull your senses", it fucking hurts. It's like stabbing yourself in one leg to distract yourself from the gunshot in the other leg. So fucking dumb- and yet, I still get why people want to do it. Because sometimes the world fades to grey- you don't remember ever being colorblind, but there certainly is nothing vibrant about your surroundings. You eat food and you can't taste it, you turn on the music but you can't hear it- so then you engage in self harm and BAM sensation returns but ohhhh fuck it hurts.

Then you look back on it and go, "oh. that was stupid". And now you face the reality that people are going to hold your medical history against you for the rest of your life, because you're obviously batshit insane if you went that far, and welp enjoy your hot-steamy-pile of dogshit-stigma. But the good news is, if you ever get as far as to regret ever being depressed, chances are you're no longer depressed because at least you can think again. So go watch some anime, because Erased is legit good stuff, and it 's better than whatever else is showing at the moment.

Life, with its infinite possibilities, has brought me closer to you.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Pride and Prejudice Revisited

I'm talking about the movie- the one with Keira Knightley in it. I think I wrote about it when I first started blogging, and thought it was the most amazing movie ever. I watched it again this afternoon as a means of procrastination- and i gotta say, I love it still. I love the cast, the acting, the story itself, the dialogue... pretty much everything.

I guess it's weird for someone of my demographic to be into Pride and Prejudice, but I think what attracts me to it is the complexities of the issues discussed. Who's the proud one, anyway. Was it Mr Darcy, for the way he looked at those below his social rank; or was it Lizzy, who had her own pride to uphold when the world just wanted her to fold.

I also feel bad for women, in general, just from watching the movie. There's this neat scene in the movie about "accomplishment", and it basically details how, for a woman to be considered "accomplished", she had to achieve a lot of these things which seemed arbitrarily designated as "good qualities". They were kept out of inheritances, which I guess isn't the end of the world- except for the fact that they didn't have the option of proper employment, and so they would be destitute without income if they did not marry.

And the pressure of marriage! Holy shit, I think people still feel it today. It's like, your entire worth is based on who you can attract and who you can grab--- and I think that's terrible, that you are valued using someone else as the unit of measurement. How does that even make sense? It's ridiculous that a gentleman's daughter (as Lizzy was), who had some social standing, would be forced into that situation. Now imagine if she was a farmer's daughter. Is that just the end of it all for her, then? I also have this question at the back of my mind, thinking, "how far would Darcy have stooped, for love?" I mean, he already struggled greatly with Lizzy, so I have a hard time imagining he'd settle for any lower. I suppose if someone had a lower upbringing, it'd be less likely that they'd be well educated- and we all know that education is the one thing that changes your worldview and disposition like no other.

Then you have to reflect that Pride and Prejudice was probably the ultimate romantic fantasy of its time. Like, nowadays we think of Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey, where the main guy is filthy rich and incredibly handsome. Wait, that's also in P&P. They all seem to have questionable personalities, but redeem themselves for the female lead. Wow, we've gone full 360 degrees. Awks.

But what I was going to say is, our modern fantasies now are somewhat far-fetched, that you need a vampire or a boyfriend with his own private helicopter. But back then, the fantasy wasn't in Mr Darcy, per se, the fantasy was in the fact that she turned down Mr Collins even though she desperately needed to be married. Well, it didn't seem very desperate to her, but you can see through Lizzy's best friend Charlotte, how yes, it was a desperate ordeal. She would've had NOTHING. And people say they can give up all kinds of things for love, and young lovers often profess their love by saying "I'd die for you". Yeah but death is kind of like, one-off and very final. Consider saying, "I'd give my life for you, I'd be willing to work 3 jobs and come home close to midnight, I'll clean the house and cook and iron your shirts and change the crying baby's nappies". Like, fuck that life, ya know? That's what sacrifice actually looks like, There isn't always a very convenient situation where you romantically and tragically renounce your will to live, so that your lover can.

Back to the fantasy of Pride and Prejudice. So after the rejection of Mr Collins- she does it again, and this time, she rejects the handsome and rich (albeit very arrogant and condescending) Mr Darcy! Like, holy shit, if someone's worst flaw was that they were cold and stuck-up to strangers, I'd tie myself down with matrimonial bonds in a heartbeat, You can see the escalation game here, because she'd already rejected Mr Collins, so she's dug herself in. And by rejecting Mr Darcy it's sort of like, "please hammer in the nails of my coffin". Then the notion that Mr Darcy would go against his social standing, his family and propose to her- that's also fantasy.

Anyhow it's just a fictional novel so of course he proposes again after being coldly rejected, and they end up together. It's a happy ending, and you can see why people loved it so much, because it's all so ridiculous and unreal, but built with subtleties so that you could almost believe that it just might happen to you. We'd all like to believe we'd have the courage and conviction Lizzy had, and we'd be able to turn down something akin to Mr Collin's proposal. Then we'd like to believe that there is a happily ever after, and Mr Darcy is only waiting around the corner, and that he'll certainly "change his character" for us.

Fuck, now it's just left a bitter taste in my mouth, like I've just unraveled my favorite sweater and now I'm left with a messy tangle of wool. Moral of the story: it's fine to re-watch your fav movie if you want to procrastinate on a sunny afternoon, just don't overthink it because dayyyyum it'll ruin your mood.