Post Christmas

Sooo what did I get for Christmas- apart from the usual stress of the season and the depressive bouts that accompany it, I had decent presents this year. I got a pair of boots which were kind of cool, and everything else I wanted for Christmas, I bought myself.

...Well I guess Christmas started early for me, since I went on a shopping frenzy since I returned from UK. Around 400 total spent on clothes, shoes, belts, sunglasses, books, games, a new ext hard drive, and a new bag. Aaaand there's another pair of shoes I want to buy next week... my wallet has severely deflated but it's bought me a fair amount of happiness.

I was speaking with my best friend about how I'd become increasingly self- conscious, and I practically have a new wardrobe now. I actually don't mind the fact that I have a lot of clothes- it doesn't feel that way because there's so much stuff that I just wouldn't wear these days.

Then the joy of material happiness ended and I discovered by chance my father had a gambling problem. It almost explains his shittiness as a person. Yeah I can imagine, the stress of losing money, then getting all hopeful, taking out loans because you'll "make it all back in time". Then when it doesn't work out, the natural solution is to throw a hissy fit about how your family just doesn't get you and is unsupportive.

And it's like, why the fuck would we support a gambling addiction. Really.

Then he starts telling me off for not studying enough, not investing my money, not caring about the financial world etc etc. Like, I was decent at maths but I'm not exactly in a finance degree right now, and the only way to invest money is to fking HAVE money in the first place.

Anyway my future is doom and gloom atm- I've originally resigned myself to supporting my parents through retirement, but the prospect of having to pay back his gambling debt makes me want to vomit. I feel so fucking sick right now and it's like, holy fuck I haven't even made any money and somebody else has decided to spend it for me.

I don't even know what to do right now, it's like, hooooly fuck what a mess. I hope I figure something out before life goes to shit, but again I'm at the whole "I can't even take care of myself properly how do I do I take care of other people".

Life is hard. Life is so goddamn hard.