Seasonal Depression

It seems around every Christmas my life starts falling to shits. Well, figuratively. Nothing is wrong, per se, but I just FEEL wrong. At work (yeah I'm working again, to try and pay off what I call my "gaming debt"), I lied to my boss to cover for a friend, and apparently I got into deep shit. Basically I only have 1 shift next week and it's like, on a day that's not a weekend and not the public holiday, so I don't get extra rates. I guess it's pretty much my fault and I shouldn't be annoyed but I kind of am. Ergh, I was complaining about work taking up my life, but now that I get 1 shift I'm complaining about that as well.

It's like I can't be pleased.

Then, with friends... I don't know, my friends are mostly okay except mostly not. I've found out that everyone over the past year seems to have had mood problems and been involved with getting counselling in one form or another. Well, that's not the bad thing, the bad thing is realizing "wow fucking everyone gets depressed, it's not just me."

Well for me right now it's not so much depression as hyper-irritability. I had laryngitis for a week, and I mean, apart from the constant sputum production and sore throat, it wasn't too bad considering my raspy voice was sexy as fuck. But it's made work hard, and work... has been fine,  I guess, but it's totally one of those "if I had money I wouldn't be at this job" scenarios. Well it's mundane for me to put it that way, since I'm sure that'd apply to most people.

Christmas shopping at least has been all done. I've been doing this really cruel thing where I get my family Christmas presents, except I get my father the cheapest, "tolerable" thing I can find, and I spend hundreds on my mother. I don't think I get much joy out of hurting his feelings or seeing the disappointment in his face, so I don't know why I'm doing this. It's so fucking petty for me to be constructing psychological attacks and using Christmas as a chance to be passive-aggressive.

When I don't like someone, I do bad things. I'm just terrible sometimes.

Actually my relationship with my parents has been really tense. Well, when was it ever not tense, right (hah). I just often find myself asking the question, "if my parents found out I killed myself, would they be sad or would they be disappointed". Well, in truth it'd probably be both, right. I'd like to think they're human and have SOME emotional attachment to me. But the possibility that they might be disappointed more than they were sad really hurts me in a strange way; after all, I've always suspected that they never saw me as a person, rather a valuable investment.

Then because I think of that, I say things on purpose to prod and provoke them. Such as, "I'll never find happiness going to med school and being a doctor" (a complete lie, there is plenty of satisfaction to be found already), and "I'm sad so I don't want to work very hard, I think I'll fail next semester" (not that much of a lie, my scores are atrocious). After that there's the "how would you feel if I dropped out of med school", and today, before dinner I said, "what if I finished med school but didn't become a doctor, and went and did what I wanted instead'.

I noticed both my parents tense up, were silent for a moment, before carefully constructing the words, "well, it's your life at that point". I didn't reply, and I could tell they became increasingly anxious:
-"what would you do instead?"
-"are you really going to just waste all that time?"
-"well you'd HAVE to do your internship regardless" (no lol, I can just get my degree and call it quits)
-"it's not like you can just find a job"

I didn't even say anything through all that, they sort of built themselves up and the situation diffused over dinner. Being overly-sensitive in a useless kind of way, I became kind of cut over how they reacted anyway. It's not like I didn't know they'd respond that way, it's just this masochistic thing I do, where I prompt them to say shitty things which makes me feel shit. It's almost like... a part of me believes if I do this to myself enough, I'll become desensitized to it all, and maybe I won't give a shit in the end?

I do dream of a day where I drop all my baggage and just GO. Go where ever, but just LEAVE. Every year I'm sort of closer to that, and when I move out it actually feels great. I don't like being alone and I don't like being isolated, but it's true that I'd rather be alone than be with my parents... but that in turn makes me feel more abandoned than anything else. Pretty sure at some point I said I'd rather be an orphan... but I still come to the conclusion that, well, being an orphan would be shit, what I really mean is "I want better parents".

...I guess they're not like... terrible, abusive people. I'm just a massive fucking disappointment, the-child-that-was-wanted-until-they-were-born, and it's hard to swallow down the fact that I'll be an eternal disappointment to my parents even though I'm like, doing what they want me to do and I used to think so highly of myself...

Then the people who raised you... you wanna like them or whatever but to them you're forever "not-as-good-as-that-other-kid" and how the fuck can I like people who CAN'T be satisfied with who I am?

/rant