About These Unfulfilled Crushes of Mine

Ever since year 12 I had to learn not to take myself too seriously. Sure when I like someone I can become temporarily OBSESSED, but then it dies in like 2 weeks if we don't see each other and in the end it's like... "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking".

The scary thing I do is that as soon as I realize I like someone, my mind races like crazy and I start imagining the most absurd things. Like, I might've only known this person for less than a week and because I'm attracted to them I start thinking things like "I wonder if they'll relocate for my work" or "I wonder if they want kids" or "there is no way my parents will approve of this relationship". So the thing is, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. There is NOTHING. Just me and my fantasies and I've zoomed to like, 10 years ahead or some shit. I honestly scare myself sometimes.

Maybe I'm just too desperate for this whole relationships game. They say if you fall first then you lose, and I feel like I've lost every single fucking time. That's probably a totally skewed statistic, but the truth is, I don't appreciate it when people fall for me unless I like them as well (which obviously hasn't happened otherwise I wouldn't be pathetically single), and then I just forget about it and sink into the "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME" zone. It's a depressing cycle to be trapped in.

Realistically I don't see "forever alone" as a likely prospect though. Even if I never found QUITE the right person, I'd always have the choice to not-be-alone. Every year my weight goes down and my bank savings go up, along with my education level. Well, at some point the weight going down thing probably has to stop, but essentially what I'm saying is my attractiveness as a person is only increasing each year. I've become happier, become slightly more mature and I totally didn't scare off my latest crush despite having his contact details. Well maybe it's because he's married and I'm just repulsed by the whole situation, but I'd like to think of it as a sign of self-control and character growth on my part.

I wonder who I'll have a crush on next. I do wish reciprocation would occur one day though, I'm at the age where I REALLY hate being single (despite telling everyone else about how great single-life is and how much freedom I have).