Of British Culture

So what have I learnt whilst I've been here? Not much, to be honest. I think everything's just similar to Australia, with slight differences. I have learnt, however, that Jeremy Corbyn is this weird guy who is really "out there" and the current leader of the left-wing party, but the conservatives are currently in power. Apparently he takes a bus everywhere and doesn't wear ties- and I know people who really love him, believing that he's the only politician who isn't corrupt to some degree.

That, and news that junior doctors are going on strike soon over here, because negotiations fell through with the government. Jeremy Hunt is the secretary of state for health, but apparently he's really unpopular, and I wonder how he's staying where he is. I swear every health professional (not just doctors, mind you) I've met has sort of sighed in an exasperated manner or rolled their eyes at the very mention of Jeremy Hunt, and I understand there's some sort of joke about a radio host calling him "Jeremy Cunt" on live radio a while ago. Apparently everyone finds it amusing--- so I guess he isn't that popular after all.

It's kind of great though, to live somewhere where you can make a super-crude joke about your secretary of state for health, and not get arrested or fined for it or some shit. After my recent trip to China I'm just like "holy hell help, I can't get used to all this freedom of speech and democracy". Also it baffles me that some people seem to view China as a communist utopia where everything is working perfectly- I never understood how people imagined communism would work in reality. Given the assumption of unlimited resources, maybe. Then if everybody was high on drugs or something, sure they'd buy into the "everyone's equal" thing. Otherwise, you can just sort of EXPECT the failure of the whole effort and watch it come undone at the seams.

Anyway I went to see an exhibition about Richard III yesterday--- that was actually really worthwhile. I am now THAT much more competent on the subject of English history- well, actually I was just incompetent before, and now I am slightly less so. I never watched or read the Shakespearean play, Richard III. I guess I'll have to now, now that I've gone to the exhibition about him. I thought it was kind of cool, but maybe history isn't something everyone finds fascinating.

Then I went out to dinner- Italian. Had garlic bread for starters, king prawn linguine for my main, tiramisu for dessert. Surprisingly enough it didn't cost me a fortune- I even had a drink because the pasta was so spicy. It tasted good though- I was bloated by the end of it. I never enjoyed Western food much, but I think I'm getting used to eating out now that I'm in the UK. Food is actually quite good- perhaps I was just too picky before.

Well it's half past 12 now and I should be asleep, but on the other hand I should really be packing. My room is still a disgraceful mess, and I don't know how I'm going to pull myself together by tomorrow. Oh well, good night for now.

I finished my stupid fucking report

3000 words of torture. The irony is, because I was trying to hit the word count, I went up to 3300, and was pleased with my skills in writing bullshit. Then my friend said, "hey, only the first 3000 words will be marked" and I was like "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK". Turns out my friend reads the unit outline which nobody ever reads, and it stated that the assignment could be anywhere between 2000-3000 words, with the recommendation that it is 2500-3000 words in length.

So I could've written like, 2000 words instead.

Which meant I could've been done last week, since I had 2000 words by last week.

And I'm really hating life right now.

I know it's technically my fault that I didn't read the unit outline, but nobody reads that shit (except for that wonderful friend of mine, who I am extremely glad to have). I had an assignment sheet which stated that I should write something ~3000 words, so I didn't think 3300 was overdoing it. Well at least cutting my paper down to the word limit was easy enough- I knew what I wrote was full of shit, so being able to delete 10-20 lines probably saved me a great deal of embarrassment in the end. All's well that ends well.

I'm actually just so happy right now. Like a great weight's been lifted off my shoulders. Not having this assignment loom above my head and threaten failing the course is actually just a really pleasant thing. Now I can plan for fun times in England and go travelling and enjoy the world etc.

Jks not really. Did you hear about what happened in Paris? Awful. And I'm actually super-paranoid about being in London, because I have this fear that I could just be hanging around, enjoying myself, doing touristy things, and BAM I get rekt by random acts of terrorism. I guess that's why it's called terrorism- it strikes terror in our hearts. I do not currently fear for my safety, since I'm stuck in a small town in whoop-whoop land, so it's not that great a target, but the fact that I'm thinking about things means our world has taken a very, very dark turn.

I am so fortunate to be where I am right now, and I'm actually so fucking lucky that I'm a total loser to spends his days browsing Reddit instead of "exploring the great world". I could've been in Paris myself, I could've traveled there while I was in England--- and it was actually part of my plan before I said I couldn't be fucked because "I have a report to write". Truth is I just procrastinate for a while, pray that my report writes itself, realize it's not going to happen, and then start typing random shit into a word document in hope that it will have some semblance of coherence.

So I should be grateful for my lazy, unmotivated personality, huh.

Great, thinking about what happened in Paris just dampened my mood. I'm going to bed and I'm going to wake up a happier person. Hopefully. I wish I lived in a more peaceful world, where people don't slaughter random civilians...

My Report is Killing Me

I have this 3000 word report to write before I finish school officially this year, so far my word count is at 2000 and I've just run out of motivation. I feel like every word I write is worthless and I'm just writing this assignment for the sake of writing. I really don't have 3000 worth of content to talk about, and I'm just writing in a really verbose way compared to my usual concise style. It makes me feel so obnoxious and I'm just fed up with it, actually.

I also find it ironic how I can just blog or whatever and it's all good, I can just write whatever comes to mind, but as soon as I switch tabs back into my word document I just wanna cry. I thought I'd get out for a bit today, to put myself in a better mood, but the good weather lasted like all of 3 hours before it became overly cloudy and it was like the sky just became sad. Well I actually loved the color of the grey-blue sky, and taking a leisurely walk with the cool wind brushing against my face- but my mood didn't actually get any better and I just felt really oppressed for some reason, like I was suffocating internally.

It might be because my cough won't go away and I have trouble breathing at times. I'm certainly coughing LESS now compared to before, and I've stopped popping pills like they're candy. I don't think it's my physical condition that's getting me down... I'm just hoping life gets infinitely better as soon as this report is done. Usually I procrastinate for ages and expect my report to just... well, write itself, but this time it hasn't actually written itself and I'm just feeling sad.

I might just be really homesick, I don't know.

My Tyyyype

So I'm still coughing my lungs out and there's so much sputum it's kind of disgusting. I've come to terms with "I probably have pneumonia" but I'm improving I swear! I really do feel like every day is better than the last so I still really don't want to go see a doctor. See I already have doctor-avoidance-syndrome and I'm only in my early twenties. Terrible, I know.

Anyway I saw this post on Reddit about what "type" of person I'm attracted to, so I thought I'd just blog about that. It can serve as sort of a giant "LOOKING FOR PARTNER" ad on the internet and whoever comes along and reads this, if they think they fit the criteria or something, then it's like woah maybe I'll find myself a date through blogger.

So if you're a girl, my "type" is this:
-Long hair, fair-skin, blonde or brunette, blue eyes. Size 10, wears Converse shoes and skinny jeans. Likes drinking tea and snuggling up to watch TV (some random British TV show like Dr Who or Sherlock or just some drama that I "totally don't get").
-Wastes time on Tumblr blogging about feminism or something along those lines, access to Tumblr via a Macbook. Then spends rest of her time on the internet looking at fashion blogs or online shopping for that "really cute jacket".
-Obsess about anime boys in her spare time, wants to tell me about her OTP NarutoXSasuke.
-Be quiet, be shy, then become animated and smile in this really gorgeous way when I ask her about her favorite song, then be all cutesy-embarrassed when I ask her if she plays an instrument and it turns out she's like grade 50 piano or something (yeah idk how piano grades work).
-Likes reading Jane Austen, cries while reading Tess of the d'Urbervilles, but doesn't go on about how "The Fault in Our Stars" is the most beautiful thing ever (please).
-Likes to bake- cakes, cookies or whatever. Makes pasta for dinner. Makes me a hot cup of milo or tea. Always ok with pizza or Chinese takeaway when we get lazy.

Well a girl like that would be waaaayyyy out of my league but she'd totally be my type. Alternatively you can just look really cute, speak very little and make me bentos for lunch or something. That's 100% waifu material right there and I'm fine with that too.

The truth is I'm actually much more attracted to guys. See I can't really remember the last time I had a crush on a girl (if ever... I mean, ok I've probs crushed before but it's not like my heart beat faster or anything). It's like my brain is wired to just find men more appealing overall- and really I've liked different kinds of people and the one thing they all have in common is probably the fact that they were all NICE to me at some stage. Yeah I'm actually just cheap and fucking desperate so if you show any sign that you might like me I jump on that shit like a dumbass dog pouncing on a steaming turd. I want to make it sound like I HAVE standards and preferences but at this point it's really just like, if you come up to me and say "hey wanna fuck" I'd probs be like "yeah but do you have AIDS".

Actually that's not how that was supposed to go, I don't know why I wrote that.

So if you're a guy, my "type" goes:
-Tall. Like, 180cm ish tall. Skinny- don't weigh less than me because you're 180cm ish and that'll really hurt my self-esteem if you weigh less than me, but 70kg sounds pretty healthy.
 -Be Asian. I have a thing for Asian guys. Or have blue eyes. I also have a fetish for blue eyes.
-Don't disapprove of my gaming habits, and don't suggest that I read the financial review when I'm busy slaughtering virtual monsters. I wouldn't even enjoy reading the financial review even if I wasn't busy slaughtering virtual monsters.
-Please cook. Or be rich. You're either cooking most meals or we're eating out/ buying cooked food most nights. Or don't cook and don't be rich. I'll be rich. You better be ok with me not-cooking and we're still going to eat out/buy cooked food most nights.You don't get to talk shit about how I can just buy some eggs and meat and vegetables from the supermarket and "just make stir fry and rice". Fuck that shit. You wanna talk like that then you fucking go and make me some "stir fry".
-Dress well in public. I don't mean wear a cravat and carry around a pocket watch, I mean iron your shirts and don't match shit like black pants with white socks and brown boat shoes.
-Be nice to me. Be shy and quiet (which I currently find really attractive) and be ok with me constantly trying to make conversation with you. Laugh at my shitty jokes which may or may not be in really poor taste. Or just smile in this really cute and affectionate way to let me know I'm loved.
-Always say good morning and good night.

See I think my standards changed waaaay too much. I remember once upon a time where I'd be like "yeah I wish my partner was suuuper hot, rich, spoke 5 different languages, has a PhD in something useful and played piano, guitar, and violin". Now I'm like "uhhh, PLEASE BE ATTRACTED TO ME, and cook sometimes maybe (...or just be ok with eating out...)?"

God I wish my latest crush wasn't married. Now I can't even fantasize about him because knowing that he's married just ruined fucking everything and I can't even fantasize about him NOT being married. It's dreadful. I probably just need to get out and like, meet some real people or something. Anime characters are great and they don't reject me but it gets really dissatisfying after a while...

Life in England

I'm currently in England for the first time ever, and I've been here for about a week. It's not as cold as I thought it'd be, the temperature is actually very tolerable. People also set the heating to something like 25 degrees indoors, which in my mind is almost tropical. It's actually a lot better than winter at my parents' place, where they get all upset about heating bills and I don't wanna challenge that because I'm not paying for it, so I end up freezing instead.

English weather is, however, absolutely miserable. I've experienced three states: cloudy, rain and fog. I can't even remember the last time I saw a blue sky/ sunlight. I've joked to my friends in China: "the skies are grey in China, white in England, and I'm REALLY homesick/ craving sunlight right now". I actually felt sunlight deprived in China as well, seeing as how I'd get to work by 7.20ish anTd get out when it was dark.

Well, the scenery here is pretty enough. It's Autumn right now, the leaves are yellow/ red and falling against the grey sky--- it's good for photography. Then I remember I'm not a big fan of getting up close-and-personal with nature; and I would've been just as happy seeing this in passing as opposed to being trapped in the same scene indefinitely (according to weather forecast). Then I randomly got infected by SOMETHING since arriving in England, and I haven't been able to stop coughing since. I don't know how many small vessels I've burst in my throat, but now my sputum is streaked with blood and everything hurts. I've thought about possibilities from "another cold" to "lung cancer", but it's not very helpful in the end and I just want to stop coughing my lungs out. I should really go see a doctor or something but I've gotten better today, so if I improve some more tomorrow I'll probs just drop the whole idea. I did want a blood test a while back, to figure out if I was just jet-lagged or anaemic. I was light-headed, had no strength in my limbs and I thought I'd fall over when I walked. Then I ate food regularly for like 2 days and all my symptoms disappeared so maybe I just starved myself really badly and then forgot about it.

Food is actually disappointing right now. There's tonnes of curries and stuff but I'm actually not the biggest fan of curries, and I ended up just going after frozen meals from TESCO for some reason. I actually really want a full English breakfast, but I have to go to work so early I don't think I'd have time to eat and enjoy myself properly. The closest I've tried is English breakfast tea, but it tastes worse than the tea back at home for some reason. I also didn't know skim milk tastes almost exactly like water despite looking like normal milk, so my tea was rather disappointing. I added enough sugar to make everything okay, but then I pondered the prospect of diabetes as I drank the whole thing. Due to my paranoia involving sugar these days, I bought myself low-sugar Cheerios for breakfast, and I  can confirm now it tastes like ash. So apparently I like Cheerios for their sugary content and nothing else.  Anyway I don't know why I was even REMOTELY interested in working in UK after graduation; it's almost the same as Australia except everything's colder and more expensive.

The redeeming thing is the people here though. No one's been racist to my face yet despite me being one of the few East-Asians here, whereas back home (just over a month ago, actually), some dirty old lady said to me "we shot you in WWII and if I had a gun I'd shoot you again". Actually I just go to uni in a really racist town, and you get shit on at least once a month by people you've never met before for not-being-white. There's really no way I'd want to stay in that town after I graduate either, actually. Now that I think about it, there's not many places I'd want to be in this world... it's kind of sad.

So yeah, so far people here have been very welcoming towards me, people here queue up to get things and they hold doors open for each other. I got into the "hold the door" and "after you" habit quite quickly. These 2 girls I'm temporarily sharing flats with, called me a gentleman after I opened the car door for one of them--- they were giving me a lift. It was totally unexpected but I was so proud of myself it was like, "woah woah woah achievement unlocked, certified gentleman by British ladies". Also people here are quite sympathetic- I casually mention how the airline lost my luggage and everyone starts freaking out and asking if I was alright--- I mean I was kinda stressed at the time but it was okay because I just went out and bought some new clothes. This is in stark contrast to the people in China... where my main impression is people being rude as fuck, having no notion of queue or order, pushing and shoving others out of the way and even getting off an elevator was a nightmare, because people would sort of barge on in without letting you get out...

I also went to see the new James Bond movie on the weekend- Spectre. It was quite good, I felt. Totally unrealistic but it was a Bond movie so what do you expect. Ben Whishaw is totally cute as Q, he's like the image of the ideal hipster-boyfriend. Then Daniel Craig in a suit still makes me breathe heavily, and they found a REALLY hot Bond girl this time. I'm seriously contemplating getting some Spectre posters to complement my Skyfall collection.

Well that's all I have to say about England right now... it's not that late but I'm getting sleepy as hell, and I want to sleep earlier in case I wake to myself coughing and spluttering at 3am, like I did the 2 previous nights...

About These Unfulfilled Crushes of Mine

Ever since year 12 I had to learn not to take myself too seriously. Sure when I like someone I can become temporarily OBSESSED, but then it dies in like 2 weeks if we don't see each other and in the end it's like... "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking".

The scary thing I do is that as soon as I realize I like someone, my mind races like crazy and I start imagining the most absurd things. Like, I might've only known this person for less than a week and because I'm attracted to them I start thinking things like "I wonder if they'll relocate for my work" or "I wonder if they want kids" or "there is no way my parents will approve of this relationship". So the thing is, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. There is NOTHING. Just me and my fantasies and I've zoomed to like, 10 years ahead or some shit. I honestly scare myself sometimes.

Maybe I'm just too desperate for this whole relationships game. They say if you fall first then you lose, and I feel like I've lost every single fucking time. That's probably a totally skewed statistic, but the truth is, I don't appreciate it when people fall for me unless I like them as well (which obviously hasn't happened otherwise I wouldn't be pathetically single), and then I just forget about it and sink into the "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME" zone. It's a depressing cycle to be trapped in.

Realistically I don't see "forever alone" as a likely prospect though. Even if I never found QUITE the right person, I'd always have the choice to not-be-alone. Every year my weight goes down and my bank savings go up, along with my education level. Well, at some point the weight going down thing probably has to stop, but essentially what I'm saying is my attractiveness as a person is only increasing each year. I've become happier, become slightly more mature and I totally didn't scare off my latest crush despite having his contact details. Well maybe it's because he's married and I'm just repulsed by the whole situation, but I'd like to think of it as a sign of self-control and character growth on my part.

I wonder who I'll have a crush on next. I do wish reciprocation would occur one day though, I'm at the age where I REALLY hate being single (despite telling everyone else about how great single-life is and how much freedom I have).