Pain is Visceral

I have an exam on Monday. Instead of studying some more I spent the last hour or two crying. I don't like to cry and I don't cry often, but apparently if I do start crying I'm quite inconsolable and there's no way to stop the response. I don't think I was particularly "sad", as sadness is the primary reason we associate with tears. Really, I was in a lot of pain.

Not the same pain I got when I tripped over and scraped half my palm open. This pain came from my guts, and it felt like someone was trying to dissect me internally with a really dull knife. Then it felt like the knife got stuck and someone tried to pull the knife out, but then it was too deeply tangled with my intestines that it just hurt more. I was on the edge of vomiting but couldn't actually vomit, I had this strange thought in my head that if I did vomit, dark clots of blood would be coming out.

I basically lay in bed and I couldn't stop tears from falling out of eyes, I kept on repeating to myself "it hurts it hurts it fucking hurts" but I didn't have the strength to even get up or get myself a cup of water. I knew I was a bit too vulnerable and a bit too oversensitive to stuff, but when it hurts it goddamn hurts and I wished the world would freeze because it hurt so fucking much.

Self-inflicted pain really is terrible. Even if you don't admit it, no one knows yourself as well as you do. Even in your subconsciousness you realize your vulnerabilities and fears, so when you hurt yourself you really fucking go for it, an the voices in your head dig out everything that cut you down. My insecurities are so far-fetched and ludicrous that only I would know they existed, and only I would be able to magnify the fear 500 million times until it occupied my mind.

You know what the trigger is? One fucking phone call. More like, one SENTENCE over the entire conversation. Non-offensive, innocent remark and I thought to myself, "if my life was a game, this is the part where I uninstall". I can't play any more. I can't deal with the consequences of psychological pain becoming symptomatic. I don't know if it's my meds making me whack or if it's what I already had that made me this way... but goddamn it hurts.

And wow I can't believe I have an exam on Monday. FML.