Half empty vs half full

Either way I won't be going thirsty. I got this from a song I found... It resonates with me so well, I felt as if it was written for me.

I can be king again :)

Isn't it crazy

After years of torture, anguish, and rebellion, I still want my parents' approval. Some days I'm like "goddamn I hate you" and I wish I was an orphan. Then when I've done something cool I still want them to know, without having to tell them. I want to win the "let's compare our children's achievements" contest for them, because I know I'm impressive as fuck.

Then at the end of the day I'm like, "lol I don't actually wish I was an orphan, I just wish you'd love me for who I was and be less of an ass".

The World Is Mad

And I'm the only one who remains sane.

Pain is Visceral

I have an exam on Monday. Instead of studying some more I spent the last hour or two crying. I don't like to cry and I don't cry often, but apparently if I do start crying I'm quite inconsolable and there's no way to stop the response. I don't think I was particularly "sad", as sadness is the primary reason we associate with tears. Really, I was in a lot of pain.

Not the same pain I got when I tripped over and scraped half my palm open. This pain came from my guts, and it felt like someone was trying to dissect me internally with a really dull knife. Then it felt like the knife got stuck and someone tried to pull the knife out, but then it was too deeply tangled with my intestines that it just hurt more. I was on the edge of vomiting but couldn't actually vomit, I had this strange thought in my head that if I did vomit, dark clots of blood would be coming out.

I basically lay in bed and I couldn't stop tears from falling out of eyes, I kept on repeating to myself "it hurts it hurts it fucking hurts" but I didn't have the strength to even get up or get myself a cup of water. I knew I was a bit too vulnerable and a bit too oversensitive to stuff, but when it hurts it goddamn hurts and I wished the world would freeze because it hurt so fucking much.

Self-inflicted pain really is terrible. Even if you don't admit it, no one knows yourself as well as you do. Even in your subconsciousness you realize your vulnerabilities and fears, so when you hurt yourself you really fucking go for it, an the voices in your head dig out everything that cut you down. My insecurities are so far-fetched and ludicrous that only I would know they existed, and only I would be able to magnify the fear 500 million times until it occupied my mind.

You know what the trigger is? One fucking phone call. More like, one SENTENCE over the entire conversation. Non-offensive, innocent remark and I thought to myself, "if my life was a game, this is the part where I uninstall". I can't play any more. I can't deal with the consequences of psychological pain becoming symptomatic. I don't know if it's my meds making me whack or if it's what I already had that made me this way... but goddamn it hurts.

And wow I can't believe I have an exam on Monday. FML.

My Shitty Internet Pisses Me Off

Goddamn I hate being in Australia. "Oh look I'm in a major city". Holy shit major city here is like being in a deserted village. What's the point of being "first world" if your internet is the same speed as dial up. I wanna play games dammit.

Online Dating

Was having late night (by late night I guess I mean "almost dawn") conversation with my friend about how we're pathetically single- I reassured him that he wasn't meant to be with this girl who turned him down, and in turn he told me I'd get my ass dumped if I found anyone (this guy). Unfortunately through our misery we did not have that magical teen-movie moment where we realize we were meant to be together and thus break through the friend zone; instead we both ended up creating profiles on dating sites. We figured that if we got teased for utilizing online dating, we could just be like, "well, how would YOU know, unless you were on there yourself???"

There's a certain stigma that comes with online dating. It's often seen as the go-to for people with social anxiety, who prefers the security blanket of hiding behind a computer screen, and the ability to "disconnect" when things went awry. Personally I had often wished that people walked around with a short bio of themselves, letting me know that they weren't my type of person and that I shouldn't even waste time socializing with someone like them. Anyway, my friend and I both agreed that online dating was actually genius and very efficient- you can literally set preferences for what you like and don't like, and you can sift through so much information without committing to anything or ACTUALLY getting to know someone. It's like, you don't have to ask some girl out, pay for all this shit, and by the 5th date find out she doesn't approve of your religion (or something along those lines).

So it turns out that the first person who is interested in me was looking for someone to participate in a 3-some. I quickly realized that online dating probably wasn't as convenient and efficient as I thought, and I probably wasn't going to find "true love" online. Also, some people write the most obnoxious things on their profiles....

Anyway there I am, flicking through matches, and I come across this weird conflict where I find someone's profile picture very attractive but apparently we are totally dissimilar. The site I use gives you a % for compatibility and the way I see it is, "would I be disappointed if I got that % for a maths test?" If the answer is "yes" I usually reject someone, but then I realize their profile looks way good and I try and match them anyway...

Though sometimes I wonder if 50% compatibility actually means we disagree on roughly half of everything one can disagree about. That means if we were going to be together, I'd either have to compromise half the time or try and make the other person follow my way. Knowing myself I'm far more likely to force my way than compromise, because I'm a selfish person in general. Then knowing that I had made someone else compromise for me, I'd feel awfully guilty and perhaps overly compensate the next time around; then my partner reckons I'm actually okay because I compromise eventually and we perpetuate this shitty relationship where we're not actually suited to each other.

Alright this just derailed to something else entirely. Moral of the story is that I prefer someone like me, so I don't have to struggle over our differences. I know some people say you need someone to "complement" yourself, and I mean I'd enjoy that to a degree--- someone that drags me out when I'm feeling lazy, someone who wants to be exciting when I'm boring. But those things are only novel--- soon it'd just devolve to arguments about how I'm no fun to be around and I'd grumble about how they probably have ADHD because it's always one thing or another. I think really I'd prefer someone who played music for me when I was feeling lazy, and found entertainment when I was being boring.

Maybe I should just look forward to the near-future, where technology allows me to build my own robot lover that cooks me meals and cleans my house. A robot that looks human but I can customize traits down to the size of their phalangeal joints, and maybe I can use it for wild sex without worrying about herpes or HIV (cue "ewwwww, gross" from the audience). I mean come on wtf were you going to do if you had a customizable robot??? NOT-have wild sex with it??? Sheesh go back to your Vatican cathedral and celibacy vows, and I'll be enjoying my mass orgy in hell.

Yeah I should go to bed. In summary this whole "online dating" thing is more of a misadventure and probably not my solution to life (unless I want life with herpes).

Fashion?

If you go back about 10 years I would have never imagined myself this way. When I was 10-11 I always thought I'd end up the sort who didn't give a fuck what they wore. That's actually how I dressed, for the most part. Just put on whatever, if it keeps me warm then it's fine. In fact, the cheaper my clothes, the better. I think I wanted to be a carefree kid who didn't care what anyone else thought.

Fast forward to the present, it's 11.40pm and I'm browsing /r/malefashionadvice instead of writing this assignment that's due tomorrow. It's only 500 words, I could be done with it if I just focused- but I just can't seem to because it's so fucking boring. From /r/malefashionadvice I travel to these websites where I browse trainers and Derby shoes and I'm kind of amazed that I can name shoes as Derbys or Oxfords or Bluchers. I'm looking at trainers because I want to hit up the gym next year and currently I have joggers which I tripped over twice in. When I bought my joggers I thought they were pretty cool, since they give me like 5cm of extra height and whatever supplements my height makes me feel good. I haven't grown since I was 14 or 16 and I feel so goddamn inadequate- given my genes I guess I shouldn't expect too much but my brother is taller than me and that makes me feel sad. There's a joke where my height is referred to as a "second class disability"... actually it's a pretty mean joke, making fun of disabled people... Anyway it's a strange night and it's strange I'm lamenting my height right now.

Basically thanks to my joggers being too awkward to wear I fall over heaps when I run, and I injure myself when I fall. Fun times. New trainers aren't that expensive online, and I'm mighty tempted to buy some but I should really save some money and stop spending on random crap. There's some big stuff I want to spend money on in the future, and it's pretty important to me so I should just save for that instead. In the meanwhile I REALLY gotta work hard at this school thing, so I can get myself sorted, graduate, get paid, make money and just... live the life I've always wanted to live.

Yeah browsing shoes late at night is a terrible idea.

This dinner I went to

Went out for dinner last night with housemate and a friend who invited us to catch up (I think that was the intention). Now this friend of mine has a few problems that makes conversation with him extremely difficult, but I appreciate his honesty and genuine personality, so we remain friends. Anyway the proverbial shit-storm had recently blown over my housemate and I, so I thought "why not use this opportunity to socialize a little and see if we can sorta patch up the cracks in our relationship". For the most part that went well... I mean, it could've gone better if the food wasn't bland and the conversation wasn't so fucking boring.

Food... at the friend's recommendation we visited this cafe, and I said I wanted my t bone steak well done. I know people look at me like I'm strange when I say I want my meat well done, but it's like, "YES I WANT MY FOOD COOKED". Occasionally I enjoy the thrill of tearing through raw meat that makes me feel predatory, vicious and somewhat carnal. Ok the last bit is probably worrying, but I'm saying for the most part I liked cooked food. Except when I say "I want my steak well done" I do not mean "burnt to ashes". Maybe I just don't know enough about culinary arts but it looked like coal, tasted like coal and I'm just like "boy I hate Western food".

Just... no.

Then came the conversation. My housemate is a sociable person and makes decent conversation most of the time. This mutual friend of ours, not so much. I was too busy eating though and my housemate was too polite to tell him to shut the fuck up, and before we knew it, he went on this mega tangent about his vision for the future, his ambitions and how he is trying to "loosen up" whilst totally not loosening up.

TBH I've never met someone without autism who is SO BAD at picking up social cues. His topics were uninteresting, and revolved around his personal expectations which neither I nor my housemate could relate to. A neutral response on our part- and by neutral I mean, "oh, ok" was taken as an expression of interest in what he was saying. Then this guy just talked on and on and on and I'm like "fucking kill me now".

At one point in conversation I was both bored and drunk enough to tell him, "as your friend I must inform you, the conversation you make is boring as fuck" and he looked at me in the eye and said, "thank you for telling me that, I appreciate it". After a brief pause he delves back into a similar topic and I wanted to bang my head against a wall. All attempts to change topic of conversation failed, as they inevitably led back to how he must secure a good job, and in doing so secure his parents' retirement fund and a future for his children. He doesn't have any children. He can't find a girl and he's in the process of figuring out why, but reckons he shouldn't worry too much about it, since he doesn't have enough finances for them to get married now anyway.

I've legit never met anyone who was so preoccupied with responsibility and financial stability. I understand his background and the position he comes from, but I really prefer the type of person who mentions that kind of thing one time, just to let me know that I should watch out for my spoilt side in front of him, because he didn't have that kind of thing. Right now it's just like, yes, your life is hard. Yes, you've got more shit on your plate than I do (and probs more than I ever will have), but telling me once is enough to gain my sympathy and understanding. Then the more you bring up that shit, the more this "diminishing returns curve" becomes real and at one point I no longer give a fuck about their tragedies and hardships.

It makes me sound so cold, but I kind of am to start with, and I really don't appreciate it when someone wants to talk about the same topic with me over and over and over, at every meeting. It makes our relationship one-dimensional--- oh goddamn not to mention that topic is something I have next to zero interest in, but only broached out of my respect for my friend.

Doesn't sound like I have too much respect for this friend of mine, does it? And that realization makes me guilty as fuck, but at the same time I'm at that stage where I no longer enjoy hanging out with him, and really if another dinner invitation popped up I'd be like, "uuuughhhhh". It's different to disliking him as a person though. I don't feel like I have something against him. I just... don't enjoy what we talk about, but those happen to be the ONLY things he talks about.

I probably just need to be a better friend tbh.