Darkness

The sunlight was pretty weak by 5pm, and it was completely dark at half past 5. I'll confess that I only climbed out of bed at around 1pm, despite having slept at 2am last night. Actually I turned off my computer at 12, I think I just played on my phone for too long before actually sleeping. The reason I'm not actually tired these days is because I don't leave the fucking house. I didn't do laundry because it was overcast, I didn't go shopping because I have enough food to last at least 2 weeks, I didn't go to the gym because it was too cold and I was too lazy. I've made plans to go to school tomorrow, despite not having classes, just so I can see some people and maybe finally motivate myself to do SOMETHING.

I've tried to revise but I think I've just lost my ability to concentrate. My attention span is so short, I can't read for long periods, I can't write for long periods--- I can't fucking do anything. I swear I've read the same chapter about glaucoma 3 times now- and I still don't remember much about it. It's bad for the eyes. I bet I'm not even going to get tested on glaucoma. I'll be asked about some stupid obscure eye condition that I can't remember the cause or management of.

I also can't find a good study-music play list. I have my compilations of music from over the years, but they all sound distracting or annoying for some reason. When it's silent I get the urge to open the music player to browse my library. It's really, really terrible. Like, I just stopped writing to go on youtube 2min ago. I can't even blog without getting distracted.

I don't think my holidays can come soon enough. I don't really feel burnt out, no, but I do feel like the days drag on, and I kind of just want it to end. Nothing's particularly stressful but nothing's particularly exciting, I'm just dangling in infinite limbo of "nothing". I was a little stressed a while back, when my assignments all crashed in at the same time and I didn't sleep all night at one point, but afterwards I was fine and I sort of went back to my old routine of not doing work etc. Sure I'm behind in work and all that- but I don't really have that sense of urgency or anything. I think it's because I took my work-experience as a mini-holiday, and felt pretty good there despite being busy all day.

I have a lot of plans stacked for the holidays- I was going to meet with friends, get KBBQ, go karaoke, marathon an anime, take my sister out to see another kiddie movie and catch up with my brother. He's coming over to visit with his wife, which is pretty exciting. I think I've been missing him ever since he moved out. Now I guess I've moved out too, but then we all go back home at the same time and he's bringing is wife around it'll bring back memories. Not that we had the best time of our lives back then, but I think it was a time of our youth that we cherished. I'd like to think that maybe in another 5 years we'll all meet again and this time I'll also bring someone home. It'd be nice.

I'm so young but some days I feel so old. Or maybe it's like, I actually want to be old. I don't remember having the "I wish I'd never grow up" phase. I said I wanted to be sheltered for the rest of my life, but that's not the same as wanting to be 10 forever. I know I've wanted to leave the house ever since I was 16, but now it's like, 5 years later and my resentment has died down to almost non-existence. Still I want to "grow up" faster- I want to graduate, like the first day I started uni, I wanted it all to be over.

People from China all tell me to enjoy uni, that it's the prime of my youth and the best time of my life. I don't think they understand that China and Australia are quite different, and I really haven't found "friends I'll keep for life" at uni. It's more of a "we get along" kind of thing. They were shocked to hear that I didn't live on campus--- and I was telling them that it was more expensive to live on campus than off campus- apparently living off campus is a rich-people-luxury thing in China. I don't think I'd enjoy the idea of sharing a tiny room, sleeping on a bunk bed sharing with 3 other people I never met but will be forced to live with for the rest of my uni experience. They say THAT fosters bonding and closeness and w/e, but I'd rather make friends with common interests instead of the "you're trapped in here with me so let's be friends" kind of situation.

I'm not being terribly coherent. I mean, I can write better, I just don't really want to put in the effort right now., When I blog 90% of the time I write how I'd speak. Actually I don't even think I can speak that well- ever since I've gotten braces I developed this really disgusting lisp. It's more subtle now but I can  still hear it, and so I speak slowly and deliberately to try and avoid it. Through that my entire speech becomes strange and some days I just feel kind of miserable. Braces are most definitely not the happiest things in the world. I do smile more now, which is cool, but the braces make me look extra-juvenile (to white people, at least) and I have a hard time convincing people that I'm not 14. I have this racist theory that white people just age faster than Asians so they look older, and then Asians just look younger than their white counterparts at every age.

Anyway, I digress. I should probably get back to studying anyway. Take care.