I'm So Lonely

Reading shoujo manga is the absolute worst. I just finished Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun and now I feel like a complete mess. I hate that the characters seem to live such ordinary lives, yet they always find company. The drama of the story is the same- girl loves boy, boy loves girl, in comes another girl and another boy and blah blah blah the story continues. But every time I see a scenario like that, it hurts. Oh my fucking God it hurts like hell.

I really hate the concept of unrequited love.

I am pretty sure that it's just loser's sympathy- when you've liked someone in a completely one-sided manner but they were always, always invested in someone else- that kind of feeling is the worst. Then when you see it play out in the manga you're reading you just want to yell at the girl: JUST DATE HIM, DUMP YOUR CURRENT LOSER-OF-A-LOVE-INTEREST WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, AND DATE THAT PROUD BUT AWKWARD KID WHO'S ALWAYS THERE, WAITING FOR YOU TO NOTICE HIM. I think I really hated this manga because I sympathize so much with one of the characters. I'm just staring at another version of myself, and realizing that I didn't get the lead role and I won't be the center of this story.

You know how it goes- everyone is meant to be the main character of their own lives. After all, we make our own decisions, choose who we interact with and then become someone unique. But do you know, how tragic it is, to feel like a side-character in your own life? Like you're just there, playing around, being the background music to everyone else's show. It's miserable to be someone else's backdrop.

The other thing I hate about all these romance-themed things- they all seemed to happen during school. The pressure of study just seem to be secondary; everyone still finds time to do really fun things on the weekends, participate in school fairs and fall in love. Real life doesn't work that way. Real life is trying to remember everything you hear in class from nine to four, then go home and suffer your endless assignments and maths problems. One morning you'll get thrown out of the house because you're playing games at 7am but you didn't get above 90 on your medical entrance exam. Real life is feeling depressed when you're alone, happy when you're with others, but hating company all at once. Real life is thinking that if you don't beat every other kid on the maths test, you'll ruin your maths scores for this term, which will ruin your combined maths score for the year, which will ruin your university entrance score, which will ruin your chances of getting into a respectable degree, and then you won't be able to find a very, very high paying job to pay off your parents' mortgage, retirement, debts and your sibling's education. Oh and you better have money left over to pay your own rent, bills and put food on everyone's table.

Man this post is a train-wreck. My mood is terrible right now.

I guess there are some things I will never forgive or forget.

Work, Games, Guilt

Just got lectured today by Mom about spending money- she says that when I want to buy something, I don't think about the financial consequences of my purchases, I just buy it. For the first time in my life I didn't feel immediately exasperated and a little angry. I think she's right, to a degree. When I've decided I want something, I work, save money, and then I spend it on the item I want.

It's not that I'm bad at economizing- I guess in some people's eyes I do spend rather irresponsibly, but to me that's just understanding the fact that I don't have any bills to pay atm. I'm accumulating a lot fo debt, for sure, but that debt isn't going to be paid off by me working my Christmas casual job. What my casual job pays is the random shit I like indulging in, such as food, drink, electronics and books. Oh, and really expensive concert tickets. Trust me, I DO understand the idea of opportunity cost- I just don't agree with what other people think is ideal spending. My Mom always insists that I save my money so that I can go travel- and I do plan on travelling, just not any time soon. I don't think travelling is more important to me than having a new laptop. This laptop will last at least 1 year, but it's not like I can travel for an entire year with 1.5 grand. Or maybe I could if I suffered impoverished conditions- but yeah what I'm saying is I don't want to go on a one week holiday when I can buy a laptop I can use for a year.

My propensity to save is very, very low, I know. That's mostly because at the moment, I don't believe I'm saving substantial money. I make like... less than 20 bucks an hour? It's a pretty shit pay rate if you wanna save for anything other than the stuff I buy. Over like, 2 years of working I've only managed to save 3k. I know that if I spent none of it, I'd have closer to 6 or 7k- look, that sounds nice, but without that money I would've missed out on a lot of time with my friends, a lot of books and definitely a lot of games. Those are all things I don't regret. I also went to that Jay Chou concert, and I don't think I'll get another chance to go again.

I think if there's ever a time to spend irresponsibly in my life, now is probably the time. I feel a little bad about spending but not that bad because ultimately I'm using my own money so it's fine. I guess you could say I'm making bad financial decisions, but in my mind the money I have now is too little to have any impact in the grand scheme of things. I mean when I graduate and start working I'm hoping to make at least double (per hour) what I make now- maybe THEN we'll talk about saving for a small apartment, a car and that kind of thing. Right now I'm pretty happy to just pay $70 for a shirt I like.

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Onto something else entirely- my friend came over one night and helped me set up my laptop- he also took some files off me. Then he went home and apparently his internet is disconnecting intermittently and he thinks he got a virus or something from my files. I feel kind of bad and kind of responsible and if his laptop needs repair I'll probably pay his repair fees. It's just that at the same time I don't feel like he ACTUALLY got a virus from me- like, I'm bad at IT and I don't actually know anything about anything but that's basically how I feel? It's probs because both my old and new laptops are fine and they've both loaded the same files. Yeah yeah I know that's not how viruses work and maybe my laptops just didn't get infected for some reason but his did, but still.

Good thing I'm working, eh? At least I have the money to cover should anything bad occur. When I went back to work everything felt pretty much the same. Deja vu  all over the place, like I'd never even left. I guess that's the good thing about working the same Christmas job in same place year after year. People come, people go but everything's still the same. I believe at this point I'm actually close to being the most senior member of the store- and it feels bad because there is still so much I can't do because I'm away at school for most of the year.

Crazy as it sounds, I almost felt bored playing games the other day and felt inspired to study. It feels wrong NOT to be studying or reading up some article trying to catch up with the latest news.

Well, that's it for today- it's a fairly long post but I think I covered most of what's happening in my life atm. Bye bye.

The New Laptop

So I shelved out a fortune (not really a fortune, but I'm kind broke) for a new laptop, and I unpacked it yesterday.  It's mostly ok except the screen REALLY hurts my eyes and I don't know why. Even with the brightness settings on low I still think it's kind of painful. I tried to change the resolution because I thought I just wasn't used to it- didn't help either. I kinda get the feeling that I can zoom into something on the screen but my peripheral vision is just a circle of blurriness.

Anyway I guess I'm happy enough with it, but I don't know how well I will utilize this thing. I've played games on it already- it runs amazingly fast for everything ever and so if it breaks I will be uber sad. I haven't really decided what games I'm going to play yet- I haven't played games in so long I think I'm just bad at everything now- and there's nothing that's really fun out there atm. I might try playing dota 2 but for some reason I can't connect to steam atm.

I start working again on Tuesday- which is like, day after tomorrow. It really sucks how I have to work again but then again I'm glad because I need some money to pay off this laptop. This is gonna be another one of those shitty holidays where I work all day, come home play games, then feel exhausted anyway because I worked all day, and then when school starts I'm gonna wish I had studied instead.

Post Exam Celebrations

While I had my last exam yesterday, today I had to go to this last assessment thing where I didn't actually have to do any work, but attendance was compulsory. Anyway the thing ran waaaay over time and I got so bored of sitting there. I made the mistake of not using the bathroom during the short intermission that we had, and because of that I was busting to go for the 2nd half of the event.

So last night I went to the end of exam party for our cohort- there were heaps of people and food was provided, I bought some drinks and thought I'd try to mix. I mixed well enough while the alcohol's effects lasted- I was loud and obnoxious (more so than my usual self) and I laughed with everyone even though I had no idea what the joke was- everything just seemed so funny.

For some reason though I stilled remembered to not drink more than 1 standard drink per hour- probably because I spend so much time studying the effects of alcohol- and while I tried to wait my hour out I actually sobered up. I felt that all my energy was drained in a single moment and I crashed down on a couch next to a girl who was playing with her phone.

I tried talking to the girl and she was pretty nice, then soon into the conversation she brought up the fact that she had a boyfriend and it was some guy that I knew. I understood then that she thought I was trying to hit on her. Whoops. I didn't know how to correct the misunderstanding but I didn't want to just blurt out "actually I'm not trying to get with you", so I just kept going as if the fact that she mentioned her bf was just another piece of info.

Anyway it's not as awkward as it sounds, I think she felt pretty ok after I told her I liked Pokemon and I'd pre-ordered the new ruby remake. Speaking of that- I could be at the midnight launch like... right now. Oh well I'm not that nerdy.... I think

Now that I think about it- I've spent a fuckload of money this week. I've eaten out almost every single meal and the bills are adding up. I'd watch my spending but I'm working almost right off the bat and I don't think it's gonna get any easier, so....

Might as well spend a bit more and make myself happy. Happiness is hard to come by these days, after all.

The Kind of People I Hate

I don't like hounding people about things, because I know I fucking hate being hounded. If I need something from someone I'll tell them once, then remind them a while later. I generally trust people to be responsible.

BUT FUCKERS WHO SAY THEY'LL DO SOMETHING, BUT DOESN'T ACTUALLY- well, that's actually pretty common- BUT THEN THEY TURN AROUND AND PRETEND IT'S YOUR FAULT, I HOPE YOU TRIP AND FALL AND BREAK YOUR LEG WHILE LANDING IN THE PILE OF SHIT YOU JUST TRIED TO THROW AT ME.

And those are the kinds of people I hate. Lesson of today: be more cynical, don't trust people, if you actually need someone to do something don't let them forget about it until it's done.

Still in Test Week

I have my last exam tomorrow- ever since the pre-exam period I've slowly sank into insanity. I was ok for the first week, where I watched anime and movies, finished 30 Rock, played games and did other stuff. Then it was the last week before exams and I was feeling the stress a little, but I didn't really want to study or anything until like, the weekend before.

Anyway I crammed a lot of stuff, it was exhausting but on Monday morning I felt okay. Then exam was totally shit because I actually used up a full 3 hours (double-checking included, thankfully) to finish my papers. I thought my hand was going to fall off because my wrist ached so much. I even ran out of ink in my pen half-way through the paper. It was just one of those tests where I knew some stuff but not all the stuff, but I try to write something anyone, hoping to get pity marks.

Then 2 days later I had my practicals, which I think went okay over all but I certainly wasn't stellar. I practised quite a bit and I think I picked up a lot of stuff under stress. Maybe I got... 85% ish? Anyway it's good enough, but I felt so drained that afternoon. I went to the beach and went out for dinner with my room mate, and even though it kinda took time away from studying I think I needed something other than the thought of further exams.

So I had another practical exam before the week ended, and by then I felt that I had lost all orientation of time and place. I thought I had been in exam week forever and that nothing was ever going to change and I was stuck in a space where I rested some days but took exams on others. My practicals didn't go too well this time- I ran out of time and I think I was just sloppy in general.

Then Monday came again and I did miserably in my exam because I didn't actually want to revise over the weekend. I figured- hey, my paper is multiple choice, how bad can it be? Well as it turns out, if you don't even understand the question, then even a multiple choice gets pretty fucking hard.

Anyway I'm tired and agitated and I want to sleep forever sometimes but perform violent acts on certain subjects at other times. Tomorrow is my last exam (though technically I still have an assessment thing the day after) so wish me luck.

I want to go out

I don't know if it's the attempt at studying that's driving me mad or whether it's something else, but over the past few days I've had these impulses to go to the beach or go to the countryside. As much of a shit-hole as the current city I reside in is, it is still a city, with traffic and noise and busy people. I feel like I just need to get away for a while.

All my life I've planned on working in an air-conditioned office, swirling in an expensive office-chair and making a minimum of 6 figures per annum. I've set myself up for that kind of white-collar stereotype- I've noticed that I'm beginning to look it. My skin is getting really pale because I haven't been in the Sun for longer than 2 hours a week, I have no muscle bulk because I do no physical exercise, and I'm sweating just to carry 5kg of groceries for 20 minutes. I think I'm going to need glasses if I stare at my computer screen or notes any longer... and then I'd have hit the epitome of hard-working-Asian-with-no-social-life.

It's a miracle that I'm not overweight- it really is. I eat so poorly it's stupid. I should know what the recommended nutritional values are, but I don't, because they keep changing and I just didn't bother remembering. I was cleaning up my room and found that my bin was stuffed full with empty cans of soft-drink: God knows how many of those I've been drinking. It's because they keep me awake at night- I know I should be aiming to sleep early, but when you have an early tutorial the next morning and a lot of unfinished notes to write, it's far better to just soldier on. Sleep has never been a priority in my life- and I can't deny that it makes me burn out a lot quicker.

Right now it's not so much about burning out though. I don't really feel "burnt" at all. Unlike other semesters where I feel like I'm stretched thin, about the snap at any time- this round I feel more... lost? I don't really feel that stressed, but then I feel stressed about not feeling stressed, because stress is my biggest motivator. I can't properly explain it- I don't wake up in the morning feeling lethargic, but I arrive there by the end of the day, despite doing nothing at all.

I think some fresh air and a change of scenery will do me some good. I'd like to go travelling with a friend at the end of the year- just bring a small suitcase, my wallet, hop on a train and go where-ever, but my boss from work just called asking me if I can work this Christmas. I felt really tempted to decline this year, because my holidays are substantially shorter, but whoaaaa not after I blew my savings on a gaming laptop, holy fuck. I was saving up for a car, and if I do work this holidays then I should finally have the money.

Alright, I should get back to reading about the "theories of depression". Goddamn studying is like getting fucked in the ass, there's nothing you can do but bite the pillow and take it. Nevertheless, 16 days til freedom. I can do it.

Soraru; my kind of music

I wanted to introduce you guys to one of my favourite artists of all time, Soraru. I'm just... really in love with his voice. I don't actually know if he has any originals, but basically what I love about him is that he covers a lot of my favourite songs.

I'm a massive vocaloid fan, right, but not really for the synthetic sound they make. Sometimes I prefer the synthetic voice, but I feel like there's just more... depth? with a real person singing it.

You know what's ironic about the music I like- I'd probably classify 90% of the stuff I like in the "pop" genre- you know, short for "popular". But these days I can think of like... ONE person who likes the same music I like. That one person happens to be my house mate, and I'm really not sure whether she actually likes my kind of music or if she just got converted after putting up with me blasting my stuff 24/7.

I don't "get" people that shit on music or are embarrassed about the music they like. I was talking to this girl I just met about music I liked (we were having a decent conversation), and I was like "hrm... in terms of Western music, I recently found 5SOS and I REALLY like their stuff". Her expression changed immediately and her tone was just one of absolute disgust- she said something like, "what, are you a teenage girl? Do you also like One Direction?"

I don't know if being called a teenage girl is meant to be offensive... I mean, I guess teenage girls are seen as really dumb and melancholy... or something... but like, really, the music I listen to turned me into a teenage girl? Also One Direction sounds nothing like 5SOS. It's just that both groups contain these young men that teenage girls find really, really attractive. AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. It's like how I watched this REALLY shitty movie because I thought the actors were hot (I think it was called Red Riding Hood...?) Anyway then I answered the girl honestly and said that One Direction wasn't really my favourite thing out there, but I do like a few of their songs, and I wouldn't object to my friends playing it if we were in the car or something.

It reminds me of the Michael Jackson scandal a few years ago- when he was accused of molesting children or something? I didn't really care about that sort of stuff back then, so I don't know the details- but what I do know is that just because he can be a really terrible person doesn't mean all the music he produced just became really shit all of a sudden. Yet all of a sudden people were like "ew Michael Jackson? But he's a paedophile!" Like, alright, maybe you don't support him because you think he's a pedo, but that doesn't make the music itself any worse, yeah?

This is also why I get really mad when people criticise Justin Bieber's music- not because I'm a fan of him in particular, but I feel like people are shitting on him because he's popular with young girls and he looks like your stereotypical teenage douchebag. That in itself though shouldn't warrant comments like "I hope he dies of cancer" or w/e the fuck. Like, this is just a kid who had a lot of success through singing, and maybe you don't like his stuff but that's no reason to attack his person. And you can't justify that his music is shit because you think he looks like a lesbian! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU TELL WHAT A LESBIAN LOOKS LIKE, ANYWAY. GODDAMN.

Sorry, social justice side of me is flaring up tonight. I just want people to be more... rational, I guess. Like, I say "I don't like Bieber's lyrics, I think they're kind of bland," and that's a way better excuse to not listen to him than "his haircut makes him look gay".

Anyway these days I'm really struggling to find people with similar interests as me. It's waaaay harder than you think. I go to anime clubs and it'd turn out that we like different kinds of anime. I talk to my friend cos I thought we liked the same stuff and it turns out nope we just like that ONE song, everything else is different. Literally right now all I want is for someone to like EXACTLY the sort of stuff I like, and we can appreciate the same thing together.

Letter to my past

-This idea is NOT original by any means, I just thought it was really cool and I wanted to write one.

To my one year old self: whatever I tell you now, it's not like you'll remember because your brain is underdeveloped.

To my two year old self: I don't even remember anything about you so we'll skip this too... and maybe three and four.

To my five year old self: it's not the end of the world that you don't understand subtraction.

To my six year old self: go run around with your friends. Keep climbing that really tall 2m gate. Don't stay home and read/draw because all the adults prefer you to be quiet. Don't worry about the old lady who screams and yells every time she catches you climbing. You can probably out-run her.

To my seven year old self: it's hard to write a story with 50 characters. The teacher doesn't understand how pitiful your vocab is. Don't mind her though, she's really mean. You knew yourself that she was a complete bitch when she forced you to stand for an hour because you forgot your homework. You know that you did your homework, but she wouldn't let you go home and grab it because "then you could just rush your homework in the time you were gone".

Good job on not letting Mum take you to dancing lessons. Those STILL sound gay as hell. But please sharpen your pencils- trying to "save" is not a virtue in our capitalist society. Mum WILL buy you a new pencil if you complain enough. If you don't sharpen your pencil Mum's gonna send you to calligraphy classes to fix your handwriting, when really it's your pencil that needed sharpening. Also, don't throw a tantrum when she wants you to take piano lessons- I know you thought that piano lessons meant sitting in a class with 40 other people (like school), and that frightened the shit out of your fucked up introverted self, but it's actually ok. Piano is cool.

To my eight year old self: I know that one time you got 83 for your maths homework was devastating (B grade, oh no) but it's really ok. You never got below 95 for any exam. Yeah I know you missed out on your grade award because you got a C in physical education- but did you realize nobody else was disappointed and nobody gave a shit? Stop trying to be such a good student, stop trying to please the teachers you actually really, really hate. Their praise isn't worth it. Go out and run around more, really. It'd help with your physical education class if you could actually catch any of the kids in tag.

To my nine year old self: don't bother making friends- you won't keep them for long. It's lonely as fuck, I know. It's ok, you learn incredibly quickly, because you're actually some kind of a genius, ya know? You're going to embarrass yourself, and people are going to make fun of you WITHOUT you embarrassing yourself. Don't worry about them, because last thing I heard about the kid who made fun of you- he went to court and ended up in gaol. Yeeeah.

Also your neighbour's kids are assholes- you don't need their approval. The kid who throws temper tantrums is probably the most tolerable one of them all, in the end.

To my ten year old self: enjoy the best year in your life, for many years to come.

To my eleven year old self: you've lost all the friends you had in the previous year. Three of them graduated and the other one is now too cool to hang out with you. You're going to spend a looooot of time playing catch with your friend's little brother or sitting in the shade playing clapping games with the girls. Life is stale, but I hope you appreciate those people around you.

To my twelve year old self: there's literally nothing to worry about- don't stress even though your parents are stressing the fuck out of you by telling you, "it's ok if you don't make it". It's that look in their eyes that totally betrays them, and you know they bet their entire life on your success. That school you're desperately trying to get into- it wasn't even that fucking great. No, don't join their shitty band- it doesn't even compare.

To my thirteen year old self: see, I told you you'd make it. Yeah, it totally sucks that you have no idea how to do assignment or w/e- don't worry about it, really. English is your favourite class, despite what people say, Embrace it. Also, that guy who's your best friend- it's not going to stay that way for long. Stop being so clingy, he needs space to socialize with other people, too. You should go hang out with other people, as well.

Also yeah your French teacher is terrible, I know. It's alright, you have very little interest in learning French, after all.

To my fourteen year old self: I know your best friend has left you to be best friends with someone else- don't bother saving that train wreck of a friendship. You'll still talk to him after- but he's not the biggest part of your life, you know. He's failing class, he can't finish his assignments, and he wants someone who fails classes with him, not someone who tries to salvage everything like you. It's alright, get over it.

I know I told you to quit the stupid band- but you didn't because I can't change the past. Actually, it good that you didn't because band camp was the best camp. In terms of school... yeah don't worry about your English teacher. He knows what he's talking about but he doesn't know how to teach. He kind of just shits on your essay without telling you HOW to write an essay. Not cool, I know. Also your sociology teacher IS completely terrible despite being "fun", so don't bother arguing with her about your grades. Grades aren't a thing, ok? You scored top marks in the only assessment item- and she tells you you're on a B because you lacked in "class participation". If that's not some next lv bullshit then idk what is. I know it irks you when your straight A's are ruined... but it's alright.

To my fifteen year old self: see, you have other friends now. You're doing the courses you want and yeah it's really fun. English is still your favourite class despite having it ruined by the teacher. Never mind. School is actually a fun kind of place, isn't it?

You hate your Dad? Don't worry, I did too. I still do. The good news is, in the future, it's all going to go away. You only have to see him 3 times a year, for short periods of time.

To my sixteen year old self: that person who hangs around you all the time- yeah, yeah they like you. They're the only person who put up with all your flaws, all at once, you know. Yeah, I know you don't like them back, but it's alright. Just be kind. It's rare to find someone who is so accepting of who you are, though. You're probably still stressed because you want straight A's on your report again, and you're learning to write in-class essays, right? Did you know that in the future, you'd trade all your high school grades just so you could go back in time, and apologize to them for being such a dick?

You got 100% on that final maths test, for what it's worth. You beat that girl that everyone was talking about. You enjoy the attention, the looks of admiration on their faces. And you know what, in a few years you'd remember, and you'd trade it all away in a heartbeat, just for a chance to say, "I'm so sorry."

To my seventeen year old self: life sucks, I know. Don't worry, you didn't become terrible at maths all of a sudden. You just need to do your maths homework every single night now. It's painful, but it's manageable. Don't study Chinese at school- it's a painful class- learn some Japanese or Korean instead- it's not like you cared if you failed. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you're good at, in school. Please don't give up on organic chem- also, go to that after-school chemistry class that all your friends are doing- it'd help with your grades a lot more than taking two courses of maths. You have to study more, but the friends are worth it.

To my eighteen year old self: are you coping with your depression? Blogging is a viable strategy, you know. I'm still blogging, right now. Your life is filled with wonderful- truly wonderful people. You are so lucky to have met who you have met. I know life wears you down- don't come home after school. Go do your work at a public library, or just find a table anywhere. That "home" will drive you insane.

Don't try faking your uni interviews at the end of the year. Just be who you are- the one where you stopped trying to cover is the one where it actually worked out.

Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go to the end of year formal. You always knew it was a terrible idea, so don't do it. Doesn't matter if your best friend begs, doesn't matter if everyone says it's going to be fun. You will NOT regret not attending, but you will if you do. Don't go. Apologize later, but don't go.

To my nineteen year old self: see, life did get better. You'll be totally okay with living on your own, you know. You're a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for, and you adapt surprisingly well. I know you didn't really end up where you wanted, you lost your friends all over again for the nth time, but it's better than "home", right? We all make sacrifices in life, and deep down you know that one was worth it. Accept the consequences of your choices- you know you chose it in the end, so bite down and struggle on.

I know you think LoL is salvation because the loneliness and isolation gnaws your bones- and yes, do the play the game, but man you fucking suck at it. All that time you invested into rhythm games and JRPGs doesn't translate well into LoL. Doesn't matter, play it so you can spend time with your friends, don't play it to "improve", because that's stupid as hell and it's not your life's ambition. The reason your friends care about the game so much is because it's the only thing they're good at- they're too used to failing all the things that are held valuable by society (ability to socialize, good grades, good jobs), so they want to show off how good they are at LoL. You're not like them- you're one of those "elite" figures who made it through all the hurdles of societal expectation. Don't let anyone rip away your values.

You're a lot better at studying than you are at playing LoL, so when you sort out your loneliness crisis, go back to your books. Learn something, give it your best shot.

To myself, now: there are all these things you (and I) know that you should do, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Doesn't matter, move on. Remember all those times you fucked up in the past, so you can remember to be kind in the future. Be honest about your desires- there's nothing to be ashamed of. Forget your pride once in a while, but never surrender it. Take all the enjoyment you can out of this unsatisfactory life of yours, and maybe we can hope for better.