Slightly Unbearable

I plan on going back to school in a couple of days. Today I finished my last shift at work- I should've finished Monday but we were short-staffed, and I felt bad leaving them like this even though I gave plenty of notice for my departure. The last days of work were good in terms of business but surprisingly shit in terms of customers I had to serve. There was this crazy-ass lady who wanted services for free, and then when I told her the price she was greatly offended, accusing me of laughing at her for not being able to afford the money. It was a total "what the actual fuck" situation- I didn't even say or do anything. Sure, it wasn't my best customer service attitude- because I was bored as fuck, and still in residual pain from that episode a couple days ago. I guess at one point I realized I really don't give a fuck about these people, and I'm not interested in helping them do anything unless they're willing to pay me for it. Like, sometimes I take pity and whatever, but I'm working for a business not a charity. So anyway, that lady was completely dumb and overly sensitive- I have no idea what she was on about because I didn't laugh at her. I was bored and disinterested and a little cold, but I didn't laugh at her. I guess when you get down to it- I'm offended by her offence. Gah, she was a complete bitch for demanding people to do free things for her anyway.

Then I had this other fucktard who was just so fucking dense. He wanted to look at fucking every single thing we had even though he clearly couldn't afford anything, and kept on making impossible demands. They say "treat everyone as equal and have respect"- but I think sometimes it's just impossible. Like, when you work in retail, you're really not interested in people who aren't going to pay at the end of the day. Then we got into an argument, where he kept on telling me to open a sealed item so he could check it was working, and I said I couldn't unless he paid for it first. He insisted he'd do that after he saw that it was working, so I gave up and ignored him. My colleague promptly told him to pay or fuck off- and I believe he actually used the words "fuck off" because the guy was wasting so much of our time and managed to piss both of us off. Anyway, the fucktard decided to pay for it in the end, and proceeded to shred the receipt into little pieces and spread it all over the counter. It's my last shift, but if it wasn't, I'd call security next time he even stood close to our store. I honestly hope whatever he bought breaks tonight, and he can enjoy not having a receipt.

All that work has taught me is that you don't remember the good things in life- you don't remember the people who let you off the hook when you fucked up, and you certainly don't remember anyone being mildly polite or pleasant. All you remember are those fucking assholes who seem to show up every day and ruin your mood completely. I know it probably has something to do with my generally pessimistic attitude, but it was completely stupid anyway.

"Home" is still "home" at the moment- my mother still yells at me over completely stupid shit, and I get a lecture every time I want to play a game. It's hard to enjoy life when you can't play games. I know like, "back in the day" the kids would just play with a ball or whatever- but have you even tried playing a ball game by yourself? It's completely fucking dreadful. It's fun for like the first 10 minutes, until you realize how terribly lonely and miserable you are.

So I haven't had to do mom's homework for her since I fucking finished it--- all of it. Now she wants me to write my sister's homework, and I'm like--- so mad. So incredibly mad. Can no one in this house do anything for themselves. Also my sister's like... not even 7. She can't spell, she writes her s like a z and she is completely and utterly pedantic. Whoever is giving her "homework" is completely out of their fucking minds. They're meant to be "family fun activities", and then I'm like "HOW DARE YOU ASSUME WE HAVE A FUNCTIONAL FAMILY. FUCK YOUR SHIT". Anyway I end up with my sister and she's really annoying, spending 15min looking for a ruler when I tell her to draw a straight line or whatever. She's also such a spoilt little brat, and she literally just starts crying when I tell her she did something wrong. Then she wants to argue with me, saying her teacher told her to do it a certain way, and I'm like "well she didn't even specify, plus your teacher sounds really stupid". At this point I have zero patience with my sister, simply because she is so fucking spoilt and will cry for a lengthy period of time for ANYTHING, and I'm the one who ends up being yelled at. My sister was the only one I missed while I was at school last year- and I don't think I'll miss her any more. My parents are spoiling her so hard she's already learnt to be a complete bitch, and now even she yells and me for fucking everything, imitating my mother down to the tone.

I don't like anyone at "home". Not any more. Fuck this place. I don't want to make calls home and I don't want to visit. Not because I want people to worry to show they "care" about me, because I know they "care" when it suits them. I just don't like them. I don't like any of them.

I read somewhere the other day, that "blood is thicker than water" is derived from "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" - and I felt so uplifted. People keep on telling me that I should be nicer to my own family because it's like a really big Asian thing to abide to your parents wishes even when you don't want to- something about being dutiful and whatnot. I uh- I can't stand it. I say my sister is spoilt but I'm badly spoilt myself- I have great difficulty bearing down insults and I can't seem to stop myself from harbouring misgivings. The feeling of hate is so precious to me that I have to box it up inside me and save it for another day. I never let any of it go so it just grows and grows to the point where I want to rip my own eyes out.

I think.... right now, for me... things are a bit more than slightly unbearable.