The Little Things I Hate

So I just had dinner- and most people feel satisfied and happy after eating- but I don't. Dinner has almost become synonymous with "torture" for me, because it's where I have to sit at a table for at least 15min and listen to the rambling accusations of the rest of my family. Something about not teaching my sister and how's she's falling behind in class, something more about how I didn't eat all day- and ironically, constant edging about how I should go see a psychiatrist for my "depression". I almost laughed when it was suggested; that I should make an appointment when I go back to school- and I'm like "once I go back to school I won't have depression".

Like, you can see how insanely dense my family is- they wonder why I'm not happy, and they're all WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE US? Then they ask if school is too hard, if I got dumped by my lover, or if work was bad. The truth is- school is hard but it's not too hard, I don't have a lover to be dumped by, and work is bad but not that bad. After everything my parents refuse to come to terms with the fact that they are the ones making me completely fucking miserable. Which is completely fine, I guess. People are like that.

The one thing in particular, which I can't stand though, is when they ask me something and then completely ignore what I have said. Sometimes it's just "what do you want for dinner?" And I'd say fish but they'd tell me fish is bad for coughs so we're having steak- and then I'm just there thinking "why the fuck are you asking me then". Then there was the whole "WHEN DID YOU GO TO BED LAST NIGHT" and "WHEN DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING"- followed by "YEAH? I BET IT WAS LATER THAN THAT. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU". It makes me so fucking mad- I feel like I have no obligation to answer in the first place, and it's like... they have no right to yell at me over it?

Anyway, shit like that really gets on my nerves. I hate people who ask me for directions then say "you're not sending me on a wild goose chase, are you?" and I hate people who ask me how to solve a maths problem and want to argue with my solution. Like, fuck you, why would you ask me if you knew, and if you didn't know, why the doubt after I've given an answer.

God people are annoying.

Slightly Unbearable

I plan on going back to school in a couple of days. Today I finished my last shift at work- I should've finished Monday but we were short-staffed, and I felt bad leaving them like this even though I gave plenty of notice for my departure. The last days of work were good in terms of business but surprisingly shit in terms of customers I had to serve. There was this crazy-ass lady who wanted services for free, and then when I told her the price she was greatly offended, accusing me of laughing at her for not being able to afford the money. It was a total "what the actual fuck" situation- I didn't even say or do anything. Sure, it wasn't my best customer service attitude- because I was bored as fuck, and still in residual pain from that episode a couple days ago. I guess at one point I realized I really don't give a fuck about these people, and I'm not interested in helping them do anything unless they're willing to pay me for it. Like, sometimes I take pity and whatever, but I'm working for a business not a charity. So anyway, that lady was completely dumb and overly sensitive- I have no idea what she was on about because I didn't laugh at her. I was bored and disinterested and a little cold, but I didn't laugh at her. I guess when you get down to it- I'm offended by her offence. Gah, she was a complete bitch for demanding people to do free things for her anyway.

Then I had this other fucktard who was just so fucking dense. He wanted to look at fucking every single thing we had even though he clearly couldn't afford anything, and kept on making impossible demands. They say "treat everyone as equal and have respect"- but I think sometimes it's just impossible. Like, when you work in retail, you're really not interested in people who aren't going to pay at the end of the day. Then we got into an argument, where he kept on telling me to open a sealed item so he could check it was working, and I said I couldn't unless he paid for it first. He insisted he'd do that after he saw that it was working, so I gave up and ignored him. My colleague promptly told him to pay or fuck off- and I believe he actually used the words "fuck off" because the guy was wasting so much of our time and managed to piss both of us off. Anyway, the fucktard decided to pay for it in the end, and proceeded to shred the receipt into little pieces and spread it all over the counter. It's my last shift, but if it wasn't, I'd call security next time he even stood close to our store. I honestly hope whatever he bought breaks tonight, and he can enjoy not having a receipt.

All that work has taught me is that you don't remember the good things in life- you don't remember the people who let you off the hook when you fucked up, and you certainly don't remember anyone being mildly polite or pleasant. All you remember are those fucking assholes who seem to show up every day and ruin your mood completely. I know it probably has something to do with my generally pessimistic attitude, but it was completely stupid anyway.

"Home" is still "home" at the moment- my mother still yells at me over completely stupid shit, and I get a lecture every time I want to play a game. It's hard to enjoy life when you can't play games. I know like, "back in the day" the kids would just play with a ball or whatever- but have you even tried playing a ball game by yourself? It's completely fucking dreadful. It's fun for like the first 10 minutes, until you realize how terribly lonely and miserable you are.

So I haven't had to do mom's homework for her since I fucking finished it--- all of it. Now she wants me to write my sister's homework, and I'm like--- so mad. So incredibly mad. Can no one in this house do anything for themselves. Also my sister's like... not even 7. She can't spell, she writes her s like a z and she is completely and utterly pedantic. Whoever is giving her "homework" is completely out of their fucking minds. They're meant to be "family fun activities", and then I'm like "HOW DARE YOU ASSUME WE HAVE A FUNCTIONAL FAMILY. FUCK YOUR SHIT". Anyway I end up with my sister and she's really annoying, spending 15min looking for a ruler when I tell her to draw a straight line or whatever. She's also such a spoilt little brat, and she literally just starts crying when I tell her she did something wrong. Then she wants to argue with me, saying her teacher told her to do it a certain way, and I'm like "well she didn't even specify, plus your teacher sounds really stupid". At this point I have zero patience with my sister, simply because she is so fucking spoilt and will cry for a lengthy period of time for ANYTHING, and I'm the one who ends up being yelled at. My sister was the only one I missed while I was at school last year- and I don't think I'll miss her any more. My parents are spoiling her so hard she's already learnt to be a complete bitch, and now even she yells and me for fucking everything, imitating my mother down to the tone.

I don't like anyone at "home". Not any more. Fuck this place. I don't want to make calls home and I don't want to visit. Not because I want people to worry to show they "care" about me, because I know they "care" when it suits them. I just don't like them. I don't like any of them.

I read somewhere the other day, that "blood is thicker than water" is derived from "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" - and I felt so uplifted. People keep on telling me that I should be nicer to my own family because it's like a really big Asian thing to abide to your parents wishes even when you don't want to- something about being dutiful and whatnot. I uh- I can't stand it. I say my sister is spoilt but I'm badly spoilt myself- I have great difficulty bearing down insults and I can't seem to stop myself from harbouring misgivings. The feeling of hate is so precious to me that I have to box it up inside me and save it for another day. I never let any of it go so it just grows and grows to the point where I want to rip my own eyes out.

I think.... right now, for me... things are a bit more than slightly unbearable.

The Efficacy of Paracetamol

I had this lunch which tasted like a multiple nightmares shoved into the same bowl. My sister decided to make a "healthy lunch" for her school project or w/e, and parents were more than happy to play along. Naturally I was made to eat whatever the fuck she had prepared, but it was so disgusting I actually felt quite sick afterwards.

At first it started off relatively normal- just sliced bananas and grapes mixed in yoghurt. Then cherry tomatoes were added, which made it a little gross because why the fuck would you put tomatoes in a fruit salad. But of course it wasn't a real fruit salad it was my 6 year old sister's school project, so naturally she added basil leaf, lettuce, seasoned olives, raw sliced carrots and French salad dressing into the whole mix. If I were a cow with no taste buds I might not object- but my gums were still inflamed from my wisdom teeth, and the whole thing was disgusting anyway.

I held my breath and finished the whole thing, making me think I'd have a decent chance at contests where I'd have to eat random stuff. Then I retreated into my room, and 5 min later I felt like I was going to throw up. I tried to wash the taste out of my mouth with water- but I could feel a lump of food down my food pipe, and I knew I hadn't chewed it properly because my gums hurt and because I held my breath so it was hard to chew for long. I spent about 30 minutes struggling with the almost vomiting then not actually vomiting thing, then I was hit so hard by this sudden burst of abdominal pain I almost doubled over.

I drove to the shops to buy some paracetamol, because I don't need a prescription and the pain was, figuratively speaking (or so I hope), killing me. I think I must've held the darkest, moodiest expression on my face, because the whole time I just felt this dull ache and I wondered whether my guts were eating itself. Paracetamol was surprisingly cheap- it was like 70 cents for 20 tablets.

As soon as I took the tablet I felt a lot better- but that was probably due to the act of drinking water, because 2 min later the pain grew worse. I started searching the internet for "average length of suffering before paracetamol tablets work" and found that apparently a lot of times paracetamol doesn't work and a lot of people get acute liver failure from overdose.

Luckily for me the pain went away eventually- so I assume the tablet is working. Then it came back and I think I'm going to need more drugs before I feel better. I don't know how much of my "indigestion" is caused by me being completely grossed out by what I ate, but yeah it feels terrible.

I'm going to be addicted to paracetamol at this rate.

Rainy Kind of Day

I was reluctant to go out to Yum Cha today due to the forecast of a thunderstorm. The thing was- the event had been anticipated for some time- though not exactly carefully planned- and I had a desperate craving for siu mai + chicken wings. When I woke up it was bright and sunny, with not a single cloud in sight- so I HAD to go. So there I was, eating food with my room mate, making pleasant conversation about strange topics. I'd say I had a good time up to the point where I realized the waiter really couldn't be fucked serving us. See Yum Cha doesn't work when the waiters don't bring food around. It's a shame the service is totally shit, since the prices they charge are relatively cheap and the food tastes decent.

So after Yum Cha the weather became kind of windy- and we were kind of bored so I suggested we go shopping in the mall. My room mate said she needed shorts, because apparently every pair she'd ever owned were the length of briefs and she claimed that stores only sold slutty short-shorts. I didn't really believe her at the start, but after we visited nearly all the stores, I was inclined to believe that yes, people were only interested in selling slutty short-shorts. My room mate was almost desperate enough to go for these really ugly men's board shorts which didn't even fit her, but luckily desperation had its limits.

Even though we didn't buy anything for the longest time, so it just seemed like a total waste, I thought it was kind of fun. I think I'm the sort of person who enjoys shopping, though most of the time I prefer shopping for games and books instead of clothes. I ended up buying this green parka I've wanted since forever before she bought shorts, but oh well. By then the predicted thunderstorm was in complete motion, but I just spent money on a parka so I didn't really care.

In the end we found shorts for my room mate- it was like 4 times the price she wanted to pay but they look good, so I'd say it was worth. By the time we really had to go home, the rain was not even close to subsiding, so even though we had an umbrella I was half-soaked through the splash damage. Naturally as I was lining to board the bus, some lady decided to be a complete bitch and hold up the line by having a long conversation with the driver in the doorway, before pushing her way out to alight. Like, there were literally 10+ people standing in the rain trying to get on the bus, but she had to be difficult. She could've just stood out of the fucking passageway to talk to the driver, but nooooo, she had to block off the entire entrance. I prayed that she'd get splashed and totally soaked through as she walked past me.

But of course there had to be some other dense retard after her who decided to block the passageway. I'll admit, it's not a particularly spacious passageway, but it is possible for one person to talk to the driver while everyone else got on in single file. I push past the person, being fucking fed up, and I overhear him trying to pay with a credit card and demanding a free ride when he was told the payment option was not accepted. Like, what kind of douchebag tries to pay a bus fare with a credit card while boarding. You can charge up your bus card with your credit card, and THAT would work, but don't wave it at the driver while blocking up the entire fucking line, when it's pouring outside. God people are obnoxious fucks.

Anyway I was a bit sulky on the bus, and the fact that I almost suffocated didn't make it any better. It felt like there was no oxygen in the air- it was too warm, and the windows were sealed tight because of the rain outside, and I struggled to not hyperventilate. It didn't help that my awkward-ass friend decided to argue with me over text about the necessity of having one's own drinking cup. God it was the stupidest fucking conversation I've ever had, and I was stupid for propagating it. Lesson learnt: when someone is clearly retarded- don't talk to them, because they'll literally contaminate you with their overflow of retardation, until you get caught up like I did. So it was a shitty moment, and it rained so hard it was like the sky was pissing itself.

The only thing which lifted my mood was when I saw the ducks on my evening walk. I think I mentioned how the ponds around the area had dried up, and the ducks were sort of all huddled together towards the middle, and you can see where the ground had completely cracked open at the edges of the pond. Because of the rain- the pond had completely refilled to the point of being borderline flooded- and the ducks were sort of just swimming around, splashing in the water and not giving a fuck. I was actually legitimately worried that we were going into a drought- that the ponds would dry up and then all these ducks would die. Luckily they didn't dry out, because I found out the other day someone had chucked two pelicans into the artificial ponds. I mean sure pelicans fly so they could've came from somewhere else, but I'm not sure pelicans have an affinity towards dried-up artificial ponds.

And yeah that was everything eventful on this rainy kind of day.

Drawing Technique

So I have a lot of time on my hand- especially since I decided to give up on reading that dreadful textbook of mine- I went back to drawing. I haven't actually drawn anything substantial in ages, and I could feel myself declining because my first two pieces were just utterly unsatisfactory. Everything just seemed so wrong, and I didn't know how to do anything- so I decided I'd go back to the good ol' days, where I just copy whatever artist I admired. Basically I learned that my technique is really poor and my drawings look like they were done when I was 14, but overall I was actually happy with what I'd done because I drew hot guys, and drawing hot guys makes me happy. Nobody, other than actual artists, will pick up that your technique is poor, and my artistic friends are way too nice to actually call me out on that when I'm trying to show off.

But he is totally hot, right?

That's all about my art. I must shamefully admit that I got back into LoL. After I finished that Chinese RPG of mine, there were no other games to satisfy my cravings for gaming. The good news is that I've stopped raging at my friends for being shit, and I've actually become better at the game even though I haven't played in ages. I think in the end it just came down to the fact that I missed having friends: kind of sad, right?

Anyway, school's about to start soon, so I should really hurry up with my reading. The Wiseman's Fear is really good, but the book is also really thick. I hope I can finish it soon, because I also bought myself 1984 and Brave New World (I'm classy as fuck, I know). It would be such a shame if I didn't have time to read them, and left them all the way to 2015.

Oh look- it's past 12am. Valentine's day. Guess what... I'm still single. *Sigh*

Here's to next year. Happy Valentines to you- hope you have better luck than I do.

Frozen

I do believe that I'm seeing the beginnings of a drought- and if I had any doubts about global warming then I'm a firm believe now. See when people talk about cities being flooded due to water levels rising, I don't give that much of a shit because I'm not getting flooded any time soon- and it's due to happen "in the next decade" but I figure someone would've done something about it by then. Put me in 35 degree heat for over a week, however, and all of a sudden I'm an advocate for saving the trees.

Anyway, the weather's not going to improve any time soon- so I'm just sitting home watching TV/reading. I started reading The Wiseman's Fear- like I promised my friend I would. I always knew it would be beautiful- but I never got around to reading it. Needless to say, I'm now completely hooked- and I'll definitely be able to finish the book before I have to leave for uni. See I don't think the e-reader was a terrible investment- it weighs like, less than my actual books, and I can store sooo many novels on there.

I better shut up about my reading though, since I titled the blog post "Frozen". Not that I'm actually frozen, but I mean the Disney movie. It was a bit of a sensation- as far as the internet went, so I watched it and it kind of destroyed my childhood. I kind of get where Disney is trying to go with the "you can't marry someone you've just met in a day" theme- maybe it's to protect the innocent children or whatever- but I swear a part of me died inside. If you haven't watched the movie, I'm going to spoil it big time now, so stop reading if you care about that sort of thing.

Basically it's your typical Disney movie with magic and curses and singing and whatever the fuck else Disney does. The young princess meets and handsome prince, they sing a duet together, and it's so beautiful- she says she's going to marry him. Then towards the end she needs a true love's kiss, so she goes to the prince- and the prince is all "NOPE I'M SORRY I DON'T LOVE YOU, I ONLY WANTED TO MARRY YOU FOR YOUR INHERITANCE". I was kind of stunned- and I was like "wow wtf am I watching, real life? This isn't meant to happen in a fucking Disney movie".

So yeah I'm super-sad that Disney is trending more towards reality. The closest they ever got was Enchanted, and that was like my favourite Disney movie ever still- because even though the guy was all "you can't marry someone you just met" it still kinda worked out in the end. Man, if it takes the characters in Disney more than one try to find true love, you know finding love in real life is going to be near-impossible. I'm already the type of person who's more inclined to question "does love really exist", and when even pure fantasy is crushed like that, it's really disheartening.

I guess it's strange how I read stuff about betrayal and death all day and I'm okay, but watching a Disney movie trend towards real life tears me up inside. Maybe I should just go back to watching Tom and Jerry- even when someone dies they get revived the next episode... Like it never happened.

A Moment's Bliss

The weather finally cooled down, but there hasn't been rain at all, so I think we're going into another drought. When I go for walks nowadays, I see the nice little ponds around my place all dried up- and it's kind of sad, because considering where the watermark was I figure we lost at least a couple tonnes of water. I felt bad for all the ducks quacking on the banks- the water looked kinda dirty too.

So I've been trying really hard searching for essay ideas. I didn't think I'd have to write essays ever again- but this time it's not a "have to", it's a "want to". There's this essay competition which I'm apparently eligible to enter, and the prize is very tempting. Of course I'm fantasizing about winning first place etc, but reality is I might not even get my essay finished. Even if I do, I probably won't win, because I always think my work is better than what it is- people give me too many praises and I'm a little full of myself.

I feel like I've done a lot lately- nothing truly productive, of course. I mean, I read and read and read for days, but it's not like I'm reading my textbooks. The Reason I Jump is a pretty cool book though, if you get a chance to read it. It's written by this Japanese kid with autism, trying to explain why autistic kids do the things they do. I thought it was fascinating, and I suspect the original work would be better- if I learn a bit more Japanese, I'd definitely try the original.

My friend also got my hooked onto this game on iPad called Cytus. It's basically osu! except... with better game play? They're pretty similar, really- but I think Cytus has better songs. They get stuck in my head so often- and I don't even mind because it's so beautiful.

So here's some Asian kid playing my current favorite song. My score is nowhere near his because that map is goddamn impossible, and I guess I'm just not Asian enough to do what he does. Still, listen to the music. The music is beautiful. I only paid 2 dollars for the app- but it feels like I paid 2000 to get into some fancy concert.

Anyway, bed time for now. Gotta work tomorrow. Night.

Permanent 30 Degrees

Everyday has just been too hot- I can't get to sleep at night because of the rising temperatures. You probably wouldn't believe it, but I've been sleeping at around 10-11 for a while now, and when the clock hits midnight, I become very, very tired. In fact, I'm very, very tired now. According to my phone the current temperature is only 25 degrees Celsius- but I swear it's fucking lying too me. It does not feel any cooler compared to 5 hours ago- or 5 hours before that.

There are a million little bugs crawling on my laptop screen- I guess that just shows my spider-killing-spray has been quite effective. Sometimes I wonder whether I'd prefer spiders over these shitty little bugs. The answer is probably no- but these bugs are starting to annoy the fuck out of me. At least the spiders knew to stay in the window sill- these bugs really know no limits (but I guess what really happened was that I never opened my window while the spiders were around). It's not like the spiders are completely eradicated- there's a few crawling about somewhere- but they are no longer the size of a marble so they bother me a lot less.

I've been getting less shifts at work- just as my sister starts school and I can finally work more shifts. It really is frustrating- but I know it's because the Christmas period is well and truly over, and we are really not very busy at all. Never mind, I guess--- I'll be going back to school soon...if I can find a house. Goddamn that shit is so stressful- idk how people manage to find houses in another city, when they can't even inspect the goddamn property. Then when I get to school I'll have to prepare and study really hard for the year so I don't fuck my life over.

High temperatures really do stress me out.

Weird Things

Today as I was eating lunch, some guy came and sat down next to me, and started talking. I thought it was kind of weird, because it's not like there aren't other empty seats in the food court. From the cheery way he said "hey" as he sat down, I thought it was someone I knew, so I just kept on stuffing lunch in my mouth. I stared at his face for a bit as he asked me how my weekend was, just to confirm that no, I do not know this guy.

I spent a while thinking "is he trying to hit on me or something"-- and he probably wasn't, but it was totally weird having someone sit next to you and just start talking as if they've known you for a long time. I was confused for ages- because in all my life, the only people who've tried to talk to me out of nowhere, are people who are devoted to God and have tried to convince me to join their church group on Friday night. Yeah, I must seem like an easy target to clergymen or something. Whether I'm walking home from the library or just waiting for a bus- they leap out from the shadows and want to ask me about my name/age/work before flattering me and trying to make me go to church.

Anyway, the whole "woah some random is talking to me" thing was totally baffling, but he was a nice guy so whatever. He told me he had really bad taste, then proceeded to recommend DC titles I've never heard of. I wanted to ask him what the difference between Batman and Spiderman was, but I didn't want to troll someone too much on our first meeting.

So uh anyway, that happened. On an unrelated note, I'm going to buy myself an e-book reader, because it's totally unnecessary and I'm borderline depressed, so I need to spend some money to cheer myself up. My excuse is that if e-book reader will pay for itself if it can stop me from buying books for about a month- which is totally true- but because I'm a sucker for books and I like collecting things, I probably won't stop buying books. Like, there is no good reason as to why I have 3 copies of Pride and Prejudice- but basically I bought the 2nd one because I killed my first one completely, and I bought my 3rd one because it was cheap and hard-cover.

Mmm, I think 2014 will be a good year. It is the year of luxury, where I have every single fancy technological gadget, and it is the year where being single on Valentine's won't seem so bad, because random guys are almost-hitting on me in the food court.