I Really Want To Smoke

It's like 20 past midnight, and I'm sitting outside under the street lights and blogging on my phone. You know, nothing good ever happens when I blog on my phone. I wish I was legit travelling and had nothing to blog on but my phone, but that is not the case.

So the asshole I'm currently forced to live with due to "holidays" has managed to disconnect the router once again, and that really annoys me to no end. He technically did threaten to turn it off 5 times over the course of the night, but when it happens I still get really pissed, because all of a sudden, no internet connection. I guess it's not as bad as when I had school assignments due the next day, and he disconnects it. Fuck I hate that guy.

I really understand smokers now, I really do. You know it might give you peptic ulcers and high blood pressure and lung cancer, but when things get really frustrating, you just want to light a cigarette. I don't even smoke, and have never smoked, and currently I really want a cigarette. I just feel this nasty pressure against my chest, and I try breathing and it doesn't really work. For some reason I just feel that I'd be so much better if I could have a smoke right now.

My midnight wandering is half due to stress and half due to a childish tantrum. Not that anyone will chase after me or notice that I'm gone, which is the good thing. Once I calm down a bit more and stop craving for cigarettes despite not smoking, I can go back and pretend nothing's happened and get on with my life.

I have no idea why it is such a crime to be awake past midnight. I don't know why it infuriates that asshole so. I think he's just jealous because he has trouble getting to sleep and I don't, but I choose not to sleep and he gets terribly upset. Well, it upsets me that at age 19, during the holidays, I cannot decide that I do not want to sleep. Living at "home", I do feel as if I'm stripped of fundamental human rights sometimes.

Life is terribly tragic when you are outside, past midnight, alone under a street light. The sky has a reddish tinge for some reason; I think it might be because of the street lights. The stars are beautiful. I wish I didn't suspect that I'm currently a little depressed. It's getting a little cold, so I'm starting to feel a little helpless. I have this great impulse to get myself to the station, catch a coach to a big city and just be not-here. If I was a little more desperate, a little more sad, I'd leave in a heartbeat.

The night is beautiful, but right now everything seems a little suffocating.