I was playing with my blog template just then--- and I noticed that I could add more stuff. So below the poll which has been there forever (and will be there for a couple of months), I've added "Fish". Click on the panel to feed my fish. It's great because when I had goldfish, I always killed them by feeding them too much food. I don't think virtual fish dies from eating too much, so it makes me happy.
By the way, the bluish one is my favorite. His name is Jade, because I'm currently playing Tales of the Abyss and Jade is my favorite character.
Sunday, 31 March 2013
Expired Patience
So I had an absolute blast last night, returning home after a long dinner, and a looot of karaoke. Think it was 12.30am by the time I came home. Too bad I was dragged to yet another of these stupid Asian BBQ gatherings today. For fuck's sake, I'm so sick of my own culture. Can't Chinese people do anything else but have BBQs? I swear to God every time my family has decided to be social--- it means going to a BBQ. I don't even like BBQs that much. I've gotten to that stage where BBQ meat tastes revolting, and meat in general is rather unpleasant.
Anyway, I sat at this stupid BBQ, eating on my own because ehhh, no company. Then I take my sister around, because she wanted to play or whatever. An hour later, I get sick of it, so I dump my sister with my mother, and mope in a corner. I just sit there, playing on my phone, waiting for my mother to come tell me that we can go home. So I wait. And wait. And wait.
Two hours later, I got so fed up that I walk over and tell my mother that I'm catching a bus home, and that I'm sick and tired of this shit. Seems like my family had no intention of leaving, and we were going to be there til sunset. My mother blames me for the crappy time I'm having, because it's my fault I haven't gone out to meet anyone. WELL, THE PEOPLE THERE WERE UNDER THE AGE OF 13 OR OVER THE AGE OF 30. How the fuck was I meant to entertain myself? Talk to the little kiddies--- ohhh right, because I loooove children and childcare. For fuck's sake. Join the adults? Listen to the women discuss home-recipes, or put up with the men having pseudo-intellectual conversations about the economy? FUCK. I swear that even I, a teenage economics drop-out, know more economics than all of them combined.
In short, I behaved like an absolute pest, and told my mother I wanted to go, now. Then the host of the BBQ said, "why don't you go play with XXX? You two were at Melbourne together." Immediately, I was like, "who is XXX?" Another one of my pet hates--- people assume that I remember them when we haven't spoken for years. Melbourne? The last time I went to Melbourne was fucking 6 years ago!
Awkwardly, it turned out that XXX was the host's daughter, so I must've shamed my mother greatly, since she was the host's friend. Ohhhh look, I just stepped on an Asian-social-landmine. MY BAD. I don't even feel the slightest shred of remorse. Yeah, I don't remember her. And for fuck's sake, DON'T refer to your daughter by name when you've never introduced her to me, by her name. What, I was just supposed to magically learn someone's name without being told, and without having seen them, or even thought about them for the last 6 years?
My mother came into my room just then, letting me know that I'd been entirely unpleasant, and I could've just told her I didn't want to go. Ohhh yeah, because I totally wouldn't have done that, if it had been an option. She then let me know that one of our family acquaintances--- who, by the way, I have not seen for 7 years, is coming down from Queensland. Oh oh, and guess what: WE'RE INVITED TO A DINNER BBQ TOMORROW EVENING!!! "He's coming down with his wife Oh! You played with his son at the beach all those years ago, remember? He's in university now, since he's a year older than you."
...Yeah, yeah thanks. I totally remember him. And his son. Yes. What was that before, about me not-having to go to BBQs if I didn't want to?
Anyway, I sat at this stupid BBQ, eating on my own because ehhh, no company. Then I take my sister around, because she wanted to play or whatever. An hour later, I get sick of it, so I dump my sister with my mother, and mope in a corner. I just sit there, playing on my phone, waiting for my mother to come tell me that we can go home. So I wait. And wait. And wait.
Two hours later, I got so fed up that I walk over and tell my mother that I'm catching a bus home, and that I'm sick and tired of this shit. Seems like my family had no intention of leaving, and we were going to be there til sunset. My mother blames me for the crappy time I'm having, because it's my fault I haven't gone out to meet anyone. WELL, THE PEOPLE THERE WERE UNDER THE AGE OF 13 OR OVER THE AGE OF 30. How the fuck was I meant to entertain myself? Talk to the little kiddies--- ohhh right, because I loooove children and childcare. For fuck's sake. Join the adults? Listen to the women discuss home-recipes, or put up with the men having pseudo-intellectual conversations about the economy? FUCK. I swear that even I, a teenage economics drop-out, know more economics than all of them combined.
In short, I behaved like an absolute pest, and told my mother I wanted to go, now. Then the host of the BBQ said, "why don't you go play with XXX? You two were at Melbourne together." Immediately, I was like, "who is XXX?" Another one of my pet hates--- people assume that I remember them when we haven't spoken for years. Melbourne? The last time I went to Melbourne was fucking 6 years ago!
Awkwardly, it turned out that XXX was the host's daughter, so I must've shamed my mother greatly, since she was the host's friend. Ohhhh look, I just stepped on an Asian-social-landmine. MY BAD. I don't even feel the slightest shred of remorse. Yeah, I don't remember her. And for fuck's sake, DON'T refer to your daughter by name when you've never introduced her to me, by her name. What, I was just supposed to magically learn someone's name without being told, and without having seen them, or even thought about them for the last 6 years?
My mother came into my room just then, letting me know that I'd been entirely unpleasant, and I could've just told her I didn't want to go. Ohhh yeah, because I totally wouldn't have done that, if it had been an option. She then let me know that one of our family acquaintances--- who, by the way, I have not seen for 7 years, is coming down from Queensland. Oh oh, and guess what: WE'RE INVITED TO A DINNER BBQ TOMORROW EVENING!!! "He's coming down with his wife Oh! You played with his son at the beach all those years ago, remember? He's in university now, since he's a year older than you."
...Yeah, yeah thanks. I totally remember him. And his son. Yes. What was that before, about me not-having to go to BBQs if I didn't want to?
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Home Not-Sweet-Enough Home
So I'm on Easter break, and I've decided to catch a 2.5hr train and 3.5hr coach back home. I liked being on the train. It wasn't the first time I've been on a train, but I didn't have very pleasant memories of my first ever train ride. I still remember how I was travelling to the sea side via train, and there was this small child in the partition next to ours who would never stop crying. When we got off the train, I noticed that they had left a small plastic bag behind, so I was going to take the bag and tell them they'd left it behind. I was like, 6 or 7 then. My mother stopped me, letting me know that they had left the bag there on purpose. I later learnt that the child took a shit on the train and it was left in that plastic bag. No wonder my mother wouldn't let me touch it.
My tangent aside, I caught a train, this time with a much better experience, and I decided that I quite like travelling by train. Now I'm back down south, and it's much cooler. It's only been a month since I moved out, and I realise I actually miss this city immensely. I never appreciated how clean this place was, and how neat the roads were. My parents' house is also bigger and cleaner than I recall, and now I have this immense urge to find new accommodation when I go back to school. That will have to wait til next year, though. I simply don't have the effort or time to deal with moving.
Coming back, even if it's only been 4 weeks, I feel like I haven't left at all. I wake up and I realize I don't want to wake up, but my sister jumps on me and I have to get up anyway. She is so annoying. Quite insufferable. I look at her and I think that I never want children. My parents have yet to get on my nerves- but then again, it's only been one day. That friend of my father's who I keep on talking shit about, he's here. Sometimes I feel sorry for him--- he must be so lonely, to crash at our house so often. Then he opens his mouth at the dinner table and I stop feeling sorry for him.
Anyway, I won't have to put up with that. At least not tonight. I'm going out and catching up with my friends. Moving away from home has been nice, but I do miss my friends.
My tangent aside, I caught a train, this time with a much better experience, and I decided that I quite like travelling by train. Now I'm back down south, and it's much cooler. It's only been a month since I moved out, and I realise I actually miss this city immensely. I never appreciated how clean this place was, and how neat the roads were. My parents' house is also bigger and cleaner than I recall, and now I have this immense urge to find new accommodation when I go back to school. That will have to wait til next year, though. I simply don't have the effort or time to deal with moving.
Coming back, even if it's only been 4 weeks, I feel like I haven't left at all. I wake up and I realize I don't want to wake up, but my sister jumps on me and I have to get up anyway. She is so annoying. Quite insufferable. I look at her and I think that I never want children. My parents have yet to get on my nerves- but then again, it's only been one day. That friend of my father's who I keep on talking shit about, he's here. Sometimes I feel sorry for him--- he must be so lonely, to crash at our house so often. Then he opens his mouth at the dinner table and I stop feeling sorry for him.
Anyway, I won't have to put up with that. At least not tonight. I'm going out and catching up with my friends. Moving away from home has been nice, but I do miss my friends.
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Degrees of Procrastination
I worked out today that I only had one class. ONE. Meaning that from 11.30am onwards, my day was free. Now, this was technically better than a Saturday or a Sunday, because on those days I don't even consider getting up before noon. And what did I do, on this beautiful day? I decided to waste it.
Getting out of class, I went to the bookshop. Now I had to go to this particular bookshop, because I told them to order in a book for me. So I waste time waiting for the bus, sitting on the bus, and by the time I finish my business at the bookshop it's like 1pm. Then I catch the bus to a shopping mall, because I needed to buy non-porous shoes for the laboratory, and I was oh-so-conveniently out of milk and bread. And time flashes by as it is wont to do, probably because I spent ages looking for adult-sized shoes while stuck in the kid's section. Then I couldn't decide whether a size 6 was too tight, and I found a size 7 but it was a slightly different shoe. I finally decide I like the style of the size 6 better, but the size 7 was much lighter. The size 6 was a cheaper make, but the size 7 whilst looking like it had better materials, didn't look very durable. Then in the end I bought the cheaper one of the two, and looking back, I wonder why I ever bothered.
I get home, at about 3.30ish, and I throw all my clothes into the washing machine, frantically fry sausages, eggs and make toast. Sounds like breakfast, right? Because it sort of is. The only thing I've had all day was a single pear, but funnily enough I didn't feel a trace of hunger all day--- convenient, since I can't smell due to a blocked nose, and I can't swallow due to a sore throat. But by 3.40pm I reckon I kinda ate for the sake of eating as opposed to anything else.
Frantically throwing my washing onto the line, it was 4pm. I run out of pegs, and I hastily improvise. I didn't realistically expect my clothes to dry, as I was chasing the last rays of the Sun before it set. Except I had no other choice, because I didn't like using the drier. Sun-dried clothes just have that...feel...about them which is so lovely. Pity that they take so long to hang out though.
After 4pm everything was a blur. I got onto my computer, spent a whole lot of time on facebook, checking my emails and starting a conversation with someone I don't actually like very much as a person but entertains me greatly.
Anyway, the point of all this waffle is: it's currently 1.30am, I have blogged twice already in my waking day, and I have work due today which I've decided not to start for the past 6 hours. Yays.
Getting out of class, I went to the bookshop. Now I had to go to this particular bookshop, because I told them to order in a book for me. So I waste time waiting for the bus, sitting on the bus, and by the time I finish my business at the bookshop it's like 1pm. Then I catch the bus to a shopping mall, because I needed to buy non-porous shoes for the laboratory, and I was oh-so-conveniently out of milk and bread. And time flashes by as it is wont to do, probably because I spent ages looking for adult-sized shoes while stuck in the kid's section. Then I couldn't decide whether a size 6 was too tight, and I found a size 7 but it was a slightly different shoe. I finally decide I like the style of the size 6 better, but the size 7 was much lighter. The size 6 was a cheaper make, but the size 7 whilst looking like it had better materials, didn't look very durable. Then in the end I bought the cheaper one of the two, and looking back, I wonder why I ever bothered.
I get home, at about 3.30ish, and I throw all my clothes into the washing machine, frantically fry sausages, eggs and make toast. Sounds like breakfast, right? Because it sort of is. The only thing I've had all day was a single pear, but funnily enough I didn't feel a trace of hunger all day--- convenient, since I can't smell due to a blocked nose, and I can't swallow due to a sore throat. But by 3.40pm I reckon I kinda ate for the sake of eating as opposed to anything else.
Frantically throwing my washing onto the line, it was 4pm. I run out of pegs, and I hastily improvise. I didn't realistically expect my clothes to dry, as I was chasing the last rays of the Sun before it set. Except I had no other choice, because I didn't like using the drier. Sun-dried clothes just have that...feel...about them which is so lovely. Pity that they take so long to hang out though.
After 4pm everything was a blur. I got onto my computer, spent a whole lot of time on facebook, checking my emails and starting a conversation with someone I don't actually like very much as a person but entertains me greatly.
Anyway, the point of all this waffle is: it's currently 1.30am, I have blogged twice already in my waking day, and I have work due today which I've decided not to start for the past 6 hours. Yays.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
My Failed Crushes
I've been attending social functions at uni, because I'm trying to make new friend and find a prospective date and whatnot. My current still-single status makes me think that I'm probably doing something wrong. It's not like my standards are too high... it's just that every single person I've ever liked seemed to drift away...
Crush 1
My first crush was probably when I started high school, and there was this guy in senior year. I don't know what attracted me about him, but we caught the bus to and from school together, and every time he boarded I'd notice that he always paid with a 5 dollar bill, and I kept on wondering why he didn't just buy prepaid tickets. He always carried around a bag that had a massive hole in it, but I assumed he couldn't be bothered getting another one because it was his last year. When I needed a new bag in year 9, I got the same brand he used back then. No, it wasn't a coincidence. I'm just a freak like that.
Anyway I got to know him after a while....albeit indirectly. I made friends with this really funny and nice guy who was in his year, and we were on the same bus. Except when the nice and funny guy wasn't there, I had no way of talking to my first crush, so it was awkward. Me, being the genius-but-not-social-genius I am, pulled out my gameboy SP (as it was the newest model back then) and booted up a Pokemon game. I sat in the seat in front of him, turned up the volume, slouched in my seat and held my gameboy up high, in an angle where it was actually difficult for me to see, but easy enough for the person sitting behind me to notice. Yeah, that generated conversation. I always wanted to talk but lacked the decency to turn around and actually start talking, so I would sit and wait forever for the other person to talk to me first. Luckily he did, otherwise I would've had to play my gameboy in a very uncomfortable position for the bus ride home.
By the end of the year I'd get off the bus at his stop and walk up a hill with him. Then he started getting off before his stop, just to walk home, because he "felt like walking". I of course followed him off, but when he asked me why I got off as well, I just threw "felt like walking" right back at him. Seems like my 13 year old self wasn't very good at picking up subtle cues. So the year ended, he graduated, and I literally never saw him again. Except last year I found his online profile, and we started talking. Cue in the fairytale meeting? Not quite. It's not the same.
Crush 2
My second crush was in the middle of high school--- this time the guy was in the same grade as me. He had beautiful blue eyes, and I thought he was a very physically attractive person. We were in the same physical education class, and I'd watch him stand in the middle of the basketball court and elegantly land a ball inside the hoop. He also played soccer. The only thing not-so-nice about him was that he was a gigantic douche. All my best friends hated him, and when I admitted that I had a crush on him they were all like, "him? seriously? fucking hell." Then one of my friends, ever the "resolver", said, "I'll tell him you like him!" I saw it more as blackmail than anything--- my friends aren't nice enough to act as messengers. Me, being me, was all like "yeeah go ahead see if I care", and you know what? He actually told crush #2. Naturally it all came out as a great buzz... my friends, his friends, people I didn't know... yeeah. Anyway some of my friends didn't actually believe it (which I'm somewhat thankful for), so when the douche bag confronted me in front of a bunch of people and tried to make fun of me, it wasn't so bad. He was basically sarcastically flirting, and I gave him the "what the fuck are you doing expression", pretending that I was entirely clueless, that everything was just a rumour without a foundation and subsequently embarrassed him instead. Yeah I call him a douche bag, but I'm not any better myself. I'm just a gigantic hypocrite.
Crush 3
This crush wasn't even a real crush, I just stared at this guy in the last week of high school because I thought he was attractive. We spoke once, he was nice and friendly, then we graduated and went to different schools, and I never spoke to him again. Really he shouldn't be listed here, but then thing is, I'd still see him around in the city, like when I walked across town or when I was on a bus. Then I'd stare at him for as long as I could and think about actually going to his school to visit. I gave enough of a shit to ask one of my friends (who attended the same school as him) how he was doing. Yeeah. Then end of last year I saw him walk across the shopping mall, holding hands with a girl. Now I saw him from the back, so I thought this girl was his mother for a while, until I realized that you don't hold hands with your mother when you're 19. So I walked in front of them and stared--- the girl was dressed in really bad fashion, and I don't want to say anything too bad about her except that she was like the literal opposite of him, in terms of physical dimensions. Then they stared back at me and whispered to each other, and I realize I'm being rude so I walk off. I then spent the rest of the day thinking, "if he would date her, I probably had a really good chance."
Crush 4
This is the one I whined and moaned about last year. They were perfect in every way, except you know, the not-being-into-me part. Still not a real crush; I didn't feel that chemical hormone which makes me think I've been shot by Cupid. I think I was just attracted the way dragons are attracted to shiny things... I wanted a trophy. Perhaps to show off, perhaps to hoard. You know, some sort of prized-personal-possession. Then I was completely and utterly rejected, so I made a big deal out of something which really wasn't a big deal at all. I'm sure my readers prefer reading about melodrama as opposed to objective fact. The truth would've been really boring. I must say though, I've improved a lot since first year high school, when I'd use a gameboy to gain attention. Now I actually have enough balls to confess... though it didn't end very well. I don't think this out-going expressive behaviour suits me. I just want to be myself and draw into my shell of recluse, and wait for someone to come along.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, I understand that I am forever the romanticist, and some of you will no doubt think that love is to be found, not stumbled upon. Sometimes I agree with that, but then the "fate" thing really appeals to me. Like, no matter what I do, if we are destined to meet, then we will meet thing. Now it's really just my way of being lazy, but even if I appealed to a more rational perspective... everything is still up to chance, isn't it? Sure I'm more likely to meet someone at a bar as opposed sitting in my room at home, but as if I'd like the sort of person who'd hang out at bars looking to get picked up anyway. I suppose I could go to like a convention to meet people of similar interests... but look I'm in uni doing a course I chose, and I've found one guy who I'd consider my friend. The rest are just acquaintances. What are the chances of finding a partner there?
Ohhh, I did go out last night though. There was this very pretty girl who sat at my table. Well, more than pretty. She was hot. Too bad I didn't even remember her name, but to me she looked like Cleopatra, so I've just been thinking of her as Cleopatra inside my head. So you see, it's all fine and dandy...
Except I'm more of the Julius Caesar instead of Cleopatra kind...
Crush 1
My first crush was probably when I started high school, and there was this guy in senior year. I don't know what attracted me about him, but we caught the bus to and from school together, and every time he boarded I'd notice that he always paid with a 5 dollar bill, and I kept on wondering why he didn't just buy prepaid tickets. He always carried around a bag that had a massive hole in it, but I assumed he couldn't be bothered getting another one because it was his last year. When I needed a new bag in year 9, I got the same brand he used back then. No, it wasn't a coincidence. I'm just a freak like that.
Anyway I got to know him after a while....albeit indirectly. I made friends with this really funny and nice guy who was in his year, and we were on the same bus. Except when the nice and funny guy wasn't there, I had no way of talking to my first crush, so it was awkward. Me, being the genius-but-not-social-genius I am, pulled out my gameboy SP (as it was the newest model back then) and booted up a Pokemon game. I sat in the seat in front of him, turned up the volume, slouched in my seat and held my gameboy up high, in an angle where it was actually difficult for me to see, but easy enough for the person sitting behind me to notice. Yeah, that generated conversation. I always wanted to talk but lacked the decency to turn around and actually start talking, so I would sit and wait forever for the other person to talk to me first. Luckily he did, otherwise I would've had to play my gameboy in a very uncomfortable position for the bus ride home.
^How I was sitting, except I holding a gameboy
By the end of the year I'd get off the bus at his stop and walk up a hill with him. Then he started getting off before his stop, just to walk home, because he "felt like walking". I of course followed him off, but when he asked me why I got off as well, I just threw "felt like walking" right back at him. Seems like my 13 year old self wasn't very good at picking up subtle cues. So the year ended, he graduated, and I literally never saw him again. Except last year I found his online profile, and we started talking. Cue in the fairytale meeting? Not quite. It's not the same.
Crush 2
My second crush was in the middle of high school--- this time the guy was in the same grade as me. He had beautiful blue eyes, and I thought he was a very physically attractive person. We were in the same physical education class, and I'd watch him stand in the middle of the basketball court and elegantly land a ball inside the hoop. He also played soccer. The only thing not-so-nice about him was that he was a gigantic douche. All my best friends hated him, and when I admitted that I had a crush on him they were all like, "him? seriously? fucking hell." Then one of my friends, ever the "resolver", said, "I'll tell him you like him!" I saw it more as blackmail than anything--- my friends aren't nice enough to act as messengers. Me, being me, was all like "yeeah go ahead see if I care", and you know what? He actually told crush #2. Naturally it all came out as a great buzz... my friends, his friends, people I didn't know... yeeah. Anyway some of my friends didn't actually believe it (which I'm somewhat thankful for), so when the douche bag confronted me in front of a bunch of people and tried to make fun of me, it wasn't so bad. He was basically sarcastically flirting, and I gave him the "what the fuck are you doing expression", pretending that I was entirely clueless, that everything was just a rumour without a foundation and subsequently embarrassed him instead. Yeah I call him a douche bag, but I'm not any better myself. I'm just a gigantic hypocrite.
Crush 3
This crush wasn't even a real crush, I just stared at this guy in the last week of high school because I thought he was attractive. We spoke once, he was nice and friendly, then we graduated and went to different schools, and I never spoke to him again. Really he shouldn't be listed here, but then thing is, I'd still see him around in the city, like when I walked across town or when I was on a bus. Then I'd stare at him for as long as I could and think about actually going to his school to visit. I gave enough of a shit to ask one of my friends (who attended the same school as him) how he was doing. Yeeah. Then end of last year I saw him walk across the shopping mall, holding hands with a girl. Now I saw him from the back, so I thought this girl was his mother for a while, until I realized that you don't hold hands with your mother when you're 19. So I walked in front of them and stared--- the girl was dressed in really bad fashion, and I don't want to say anything too bad about her except that she was like the literal opposite of him, in terms of physical dimensions. Then they stared back at me and whispered to each other, and I realize I'm being rude so I walk off. I then spent the rest of the day thinking, "if he would date her, I probably had a really good chance."
Something like, the integral of this pdf from -3 to 3.
Crush 4
This is the one I whined and moaned about last year. They were perfect in every way, except you know, the not-being-into-me part. Still not a real crush; I didn't feel that chemical hormone which makes me think I've been shot by Cupid. I think I was just attracted the way dragons are attracted to shiny things... I wanted a trophy. Perhaps to show off, perhaps to hoard. You know, some sort of prized-personal-possession. Then I was completely and utterly rejected, so I made a big deal out of something which really wasn't a big deal at all. I'm sure my readers prefer reading about melodrama as opposed to objective fact. The truth would've been really boring. I must say though, I've improved a lot since first year high school, when I'd use a gameboy to gain attention. Now I actually have enough balls to confess... though it didn't end very well. I don't think this out-going expressive behaviour suits me. I just want to be myself and draw into my shell of recluse, and wait for someone to come along.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, I understand that I am forever the romanticist, and some of you will no doubt think that love is to be found, not stumbled upon. Sometimes I agree with that, but then the "fate" thing really appeals to me. Like, no matter what I do, if we are destined to meet, then we will meet thing. Now it's really just my way of being lazy, but even if I appealed to a more rational perspective... everything is still up to chance, isn't it? Sure I'm more likely to meet someone at a bar as opposed sitting in my room at home, but as if I'd like the sort of person who'd hang out at bars looking to get picked up anyway. I suppose I could go to like a convention to meet people of similar interests... but look I'm in uni doing a course I chose, and I've found one guy who I'd consider my friend. The rest are just acquaintances. What are the chances of finding a partner there?
Ohhh, I did go out last night though. There was this very pretty girl who sat at my table. Well, more than pretty. She was hot. Too bad I didn't even remember her name, but to me she looked like Cleopatra, so I've just been thinking of her as Cleopatra inside my head. So you see, it's all fine and dandy...
Except I'm more of the Julius Caesar instead of Cleopatra kind...
Monday, 25 March 2013
Self-Induced Placebo Effect
So for those of you who don't know, the placebo effect, in summary, is when you take something which doesn't treat your disease on a medical level, but it'll make you feel better anyway. Apparently it works best when you have solid faith in the "medicine" (which in reality, is a sugar-pill) you're taking, and then you'll magically feel better later. Anyway, I've got it in my head that if faith is all I need to feel better, why don't I just convince myself that what I'm taking is working, so I feel better anyway?
Yeah except it doesn't work that way. I briefly mentioned doing this in my previous post, and yeah, as you would expect, I still feel like shit. It probably has something to do with the fact that deep down I know what I'm taking doesn't really help, but I'm trying so hard to make myself believe that it does help, except there's the subtle difference between imagining a pink elephant and legitimately believing that there's a pink elephant there.
I'd like to think that faith was all I needed, and it's in times like these that I wish I were deeply religious. Then I could lie in bed and pray to whatever divinity I believed in, then they'd cure me miraculously. If not, then at least I can say that the illness I feel is in fact a trial placed upon me by a divine being--- but truth is I'd probably think that whatever "divine being" did this to me is a complete asshole, making me sick when I have lectures to attend.
Anyway, imagination failed, no devout religion to turn to, I'm trialling another tactic, where I'm just taking in a lot of sugar. I figured, placebo is just a sugar pill, and if I failed at the psychological component, maybe sugar has the magical ability to make me feel better? This is not an excuse to dose up on sugar, I swear.
So far, so good, sugar is making me feel much better. Yes my throat is still burning as if I drank pH 3 hydrochloric acid instead of hot chocolate, but at least my headache is somewhat gone. I may or may not decide to feast on marshmallows in the middle of the night. I just wish my throat would stop burning.
Yeah except it doesn't work that way. I briefly mentioned doing this in my previous post, and yeah, as you would expect, I still feel like shit. It probably has something to do with the fact that deep down I know what I'm taking doesn't really help, but I'm trying so hard to make myself believe that it does help, except there's the subtle difference between imagining a pink elephant and legitimately believing that there's a pink elephant there.
I'd like to think that faith was all I needed, and it's in times like these that I wish I were deeply religious. Then I could lie in bed and pray to whatever divinity I believed in, then they'd cure me miraculously. If not, then at least I can say that the illness I feel is in fact a trial placed upon me by a divine being--- but truth is I'd probably think that whatever "divine being" did this to me is a complete asshole, making me sick when I have lectures to attend.
Anyway, imagination failed, no devout religion to turn to, I'm trialling another tactic, where I'm just taking in a lot of sugar. I figured, placebo is just a sugar pill, and if I failed at the psychological component, maybe sugar has the magical ability to make me feel better? This is not an excuse to dose up on sugar, I swear.
So far, so good, sugar is making me feel much better. Yes my throat is still burning as if I drank pH 3 hydrochloric acid instead of hot chocolate, but at least my headache is somewhat gone. I may or may not decide to feast on marshmallows in the middle of the night. I just wish my throat would stop burning.
Sick Once Again
I feel like I haven't been sick in ages, but you know, here we are, at that seasonal change where my body decides it doesn't want to do what it normally does any more. I don't know whether it's because I'm burning a fever or because the temperature is just too damn high outside, but I'm overheating. I've taken drugs, but I doubt they're effective because they treat bacterial infections, and chances are I have a viral infection. So now I'm doing this thing where I'm trying to convince myself that what I swallowed was not antibiotics, but in fact a miracle pill which cures all diseases and ailments, in hope of inducing a placebo effect.
...Sadly, I don't think my attempt at self-inducing a placebo effect is working.
I ended up here, in front of my computer, casually blogging instead of attending my lectures. I'm so glad that university isn't like high school, where missing a day of classes was hell. Well, I suppose not going to lectures is pretty bad, since the information sounded useful, but at least they now post recordings online, so I can listen to that at my leisure (if I ever get around to it). I probably wouldn't have caught on to much if I attended my lectures in my current state anyway. I feel like absolute crap.
Strangely I haven't reached that nose-block/sniffling stage of my illness yet. Usually my sore throats don't persist for longer than a day before it goes away and becomes replaced by a nose which runs like a broken tap. I do have a persisting headache though.
And now I'm hearing this "ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump" sound in my head, which eerily reminds me of dancing chipmunks- though I'm not sure I've ever seen a dancing chipmunk. In any case, I am horribly sick once again, and I hate my life.
...Sadly, I don't think my attempt at self-inducing a placebo effect is working.
I ended up here, in front of my computer, casually blogging instead of attending my lectures. I'm so glad that university isn't like high school, where missing a day of classes was hell. Well, I suppose not going to lectures is pretty bad, since the information sounded useful, but at least they now post recordings online, so I can listen to that at my leisure (if I ever get around to it). I probably wouldn't have caught on to much if I attended my lectures in my current state anyway. I feel like absolute crap.
Strangely I haven't reached that nose-block/sniffling stage of my illness yet. Usually my sore throats don't persist for longer than a day before it goes away and becomes replaced by a nose which runs like a broken tap. I do have a persisting headache though.
And now I'm hearing this "ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump" sound in my head, which eerily reminds me of dancing chipmunks- though I'm not sure I've ever seen a dancing chipmunk. In any case, I am horribly sick once again, and I hate my life.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Slow Deterioration
It's not like classes have gotten any harder lately, but I'm starting to feel work being piled on. Nothing major, but there are so many little things that I need to get sorted, it's really annoying me. You'd think by this stage I would've learnt how to keep my shit together, but truth is I'm only barely keeping up. There's a whole lot of crap I don't really understand, or I understand for the flicker of a moment and then it's kind of lost somewhere. I've been letting it go because I can revise it "later", but truth is "later" probably means the night before the exam, and I am not sure whether I can cram so much in.
The mundane chores are wearing me down, though at this stage it's still sort of okay. I don't know. I just wake up and feel my life-force draining away from me. Probably has something to do with the fact that I currently have an extremely sore throat that will quite possibly reveal itself to be a cold. Having studied lately about the importance of infection control, I would feel tremendously guilty if I went to class and infected everyone. Though missing class altogether doesn't seem like the best idea.
I wish my body would stop reacting this way to the invasion of a virus/bacteria/whatever. I mean sure, by all means, get rid of it, but why the whole sore throat, blocked nose and head ache thing. I'm a busy person with a busy life, dammit.
The mundane chores are wearing me down, though at this stage it's still sort of okay. I don't know. I just wake up and feel my life-force draining away from me. Probably has something to do with the fact that I currently have an extremely sore throat that will quite possibly reveal itself to be a cold. Having studied lately about the importance of infection control, I would feel tremendously guilty if I went to class and infected everyone. Though missing class altogether doesn't seem like the best idea.
I wish my body would stop reacting this way to the invasion of a virus/bacteria/whatever. I mean sure, by all means, get rid of it, but why the whole sore throat, blocked nose and head ache thing. I'm a busy person with a busy life, dammit.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Week 3
So I've been here for about 3 weeks, if I recall correctly... and I quite like what I'm studying. My compatibility with my subject astounds me. I didn't know I could be interested in anything school-related. The sad news seems to be that my body doesn't seem to be coping with the physical environment. I'm literally drenched in sweat when walk to school and back from school. It's kind of gross. No kidding about the swimming in air thing. Then with that comes the inevitable problem of dehydration, so I try to drink enough to keep myself functional--- but that always ends with visits to the toilet at an irritating frequency.
Sometimes I wish I'd tried harder, so I could've gone to a different school on a different campus--- preferably one with less mosquitoes in summer and a far less humid climate. I never thought I'd say this, but if winter doesn't arrive then I can't stand this place any more. I was at my window just then, about to open it, and I see at least 100 little bugs all slamming on the glass window, waiting to get in. I decided that I'd rather have spider webs there.
Geez, I think I'm slowly deteriorating...
Sometimes I wish I'd tried harder, so I could've gone to a different school on a different campus--- preferably one with less mosquitoes in summer and a far less humid climate. I never thought I'd say this, but if winter doesn't arrive then I can't stand this place any more. I was at my window just then, about to open it, and I see at least 100 little bugs all slamming on the glass window, waiting to get in. I decided that I'd rather have spider webs there.
Geez, I think I'm slowly deteriorating...
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Mildly Sleep- Deprived
I feel like I've literally just got back from camp, then I looked at my watch and it's like, holy shit it's Thursday. Having fallen asleep on my textbook at least twice since I got back, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that it's already Thursday evening. You know what's great about Thursday evening though? I have no work on Thursday evenings. Well, I suppose if I were more sensible I'd be treating it as free revision/ catch-up-on-work night, however if that's the sort of person I was I wouldn't be where I am now.
Living in a city by the beach is starting to annoy me. Most likely because I've been here for almost a month and I have not gone down to the beach once. Yeah I know, how stupid is that. It's so humid here I might as well swim in the air. I really do regret living relatively close to school. Basically it's the distance where it's uncomfortable to walk but seems too short to consider a bus. Yes, I know I have a bike--- but did I ever tell you I jammed the breaks into the front wheel? I was going up hill and performing a sharp turn at the same time. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did, and as a result I now have a dysfunctional front wheel. Bicycles don't work so well when they only have one rotating wheel.
Why are there so many nuisances in life...?
Living in a city by the beach is starting to annoy me. Most likely because I've been here for almost a month and I have not gone down to the beach once. Yeah I know, how stupid is that. It's so humid here I might as well swim in the air. I really do regret living relatively close to school. Basically it's the distance where it's uncomfortable to walk but seems too short to consider a bus. Yes, I know I have a bike--- but did I ever tell you I jammed the breaks into the front wheel? I was going up hill and performing a sharp turn at the same time. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did, and as a result I now have a dysfunctional front wheel. Bicycles don't work so well when they only have one rotating wheel.
Why are there so many nuisances in life...?
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Another Camp
I think it must be a habit of mine to try and go on at least one camp per year. I haven't written anything over the weekend because, in case you haven't figured out from the title, I was away camping. It wasn't anything special like last time, where I went with most of my nerdy friends, visited a totally cool cave and enjoyed the company of my favourite teacher. No, this camp was more of a university-get-to-know-everyone camp, and it will always be not-as-good-as-maths-camp.
Maybe I just miss my favourite teacher.
After ditching all my friends behind, I've started to make some new friends in university. It's only when you start meeting other people that you realize what you've left behind. Oh God how I miss my college friends now, as much as I may-or-may-not have bitched about them at various times (I don't even remember). The people I met are nice enough, but we just don't have the same... well.... it's like we're travelling in the same direction but on parallel planes. So maybe it's not working out after all.
I feel kinda pathetic clutching on to my memories of last year, because I have trouble finding someone to make better memories with. Except nothing trumps the time when:
-I went "mountain climbing" with my friend and made it all the way up
-I found my Magic The Gathering cards in a dusty box and threw my friend the shitty deck
-I worked on a probability assessment task with a friend and we flipped through the pages laughing
-I engaged in deep meaningful conversation with a friend about why Asian men are chauvinistic
-We threw a great big maths-party at the end of semester and sang loudly (arguably badly, too)
Where does one find better friends than those I have described? Even if I threw those "NOBODY GETS ME BECAUSE I'M TOO SOPHISTICATED" tantrums every so often (alright, maybe too often), at least my friends weren't hundreds of kilometres away or on a different continent all together.
You know, life is a bitch.
Maybe I just miss my favourite teacher.
After ditching all my friends behind, I've started to make some new friends in university. It's only when you start meeting other people that you realize what you've left behind. Oh God how I miss my college friends now, as much as I may-or-may-not have bitched about them at various times (I don't even remember). The people I met are nice enough, but we just don't have the same... well.... it's like we're travelling in the same direction but on parallel planes. So maybe it's not working out after all.
I feel kinda pathetic clutching on to my memories of last year, because I have trouble finding someone to make better memories with. Except nothing trumps the time when:
-I went "mountain climbing" with my friend and made it all the way up
-I found my Magic The Gathering cards in a dusty box and threw my friend the shitty deck
-I worked on a probability assessment task with a friend and we flipped through the pages laughing
-I engaged in deep meaningful conversation with a friend about why Asian men are chauvinistic
-We threw a great big maths-party at the end of semester and sang loudly (arguably badly, too)
Where does one find better friends than those I have described? Even if I threw those "NOBODY GETS ME BECAUSE I'M TOO SOPHISTICATED" tantrums every so often (alright, maybe too often), at least my friends weren't hundreds of kilometres away or on a different continent all together.
You know, life is a bitch.
Thursday, 14 March 2013
My friend the YouTube star
So life isn't as smooth as it could be right now. Besides riding a bike that makes me feel like I'm being butt-raped every time, I found out last night that a friend I hadn't seen in ages had a fanatic collection of My Little Pony (MLP) merchandise. For those of your who don't know, MLP is this show intended to be targeted towards young girls. And by young girls I don't mean 18-22. I mean like, 6 year olds. I used to give my friend a bit of shit for liking MLP, because I thought it was fucking ridiculous that he'd be into it, since he's far older than the targeted demographic, plus you know, the whole being male thing. Buuut it's not like I harassed him about it, I just let him know that I think he's kind of nuts. Then again, it was that point in life where all of my good friends seemed to be into MLP, and I just sorta... pretended that it was something I could sweep under the carpet.
Anyway last night my friend showed me a picture of his collection, and I'm like, "omfg what are you doing with your life". I mean, I get his obsession... in a way. I like to collect books, he likes to collect MLP merchandise. It just seems a lot weirder than collecting books, but it's totally okay. He was all like "DON'T JUDGE ME" and try as I might I still think it's weird. I don't like to think about how much money he's spent on MLP merchandise, because maaaaan he has a lot. And I ask him, "where the fuck do you even get these things", and he replied "the pink aisle, in every store ever".
I also happened to ask him how his parents reacted to his obsession, because come on, I can't be the only one who finds this shit weird. And going from his description, I reckon he might've got a better deal if he just told them he was gay. Seriously. Even if he's not actually gay, I bet it's what his parents are thinking now. Then I started feeling sorry for him, because when I thought about it, the whole thing was so innocent. It's like, he's collecting ponies! So what? Better than collecting something like used condoms, right?
Getting to the point, I also found out that he was YouTube famous, because of his pony collection. At first I was like, "hahah, this is probably just a bunch of strange, strange people like you, and maybe you've got your own little fan club that you're all in"--- and then I checked his YouTube account, and fuuuck he has a lot of fans. My jealousy hit a new peak when I saw this 16yr old (or somewhere around there) girl saying "OMG YOU'RE SO COOL", fawning over him like she probably fawns over Justin Bieber.
My life is a lie.
But yeah, despite my jealousy of his fame, and the fact that I think he's getting close to becoming batshit insane, my friend is a pretty cool guy. All of my friends are pretty cool. Except for that one guy who made me catch a bus with him, taking an hour longer than I should've, and then having me get off at the wrong stop and having to take a 30min walk home. He's a faggot.
Anyway, check out my friend's videos, like them, subscribe to his channel, watch them on repeat--- whatever. He's enjoying his fame, and so he should. With all his pony merchandise, he totally deserves it. Also, he just turned 18, so this post about how I think he's insane is kinda my tribute to him.
Happy birthday, my strange, strange friend.
I also happened to ask him how his parents reacted to his obsession, because come on, I can't be the only one who finds this shit weird. And going from his description, I reckon he might've got a better deal if he just told them he was gay. Seriously. Even if he's not actually gay, I bet it's what his parents are thinking now. Then I started feeling sorry for him, because when I thought about it, the whole thing was so innocent. It's like, he's collecting ponies! So what? Better than collecting something like used condoms, right?
My life is a lie.
But yeah, despite my jealousy of his fame, and the fact that I think he's getting close to becoming batshit insane, my friend is a pretty cool guy. All of my friends are pretty cool. Except for that one guy who made me catch a bus with him, taking an hour longer than I should've, and then having me get off at the wrong stop and having to take a 30min walk home. He's a faggot.
Anyway, check out my friend's videos, like them, subscribe to his channel, watch them on repeat--- whatever. He's enjoying his fame, and so he should. With all his pony merchandise, he totally deserves it. Also, he just turned 18, so this post about how I think he's insane is kinda my tribute to him.
Happy birthday, my strange, strange friend.
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Biking Misadventures
So as it turned out, my bike wasn't as bad as I previously thought--- we just didn't build it properly. It ended up so that the brakes grinded against the front wheel, thus making peddling uphill much more of a pain than what it should've been. So I fixed the brakes and tried riding to school again. It was much better--- for starters I didn't have to exert myself so much that I thought I was having a heart attack. Too bad riding uphill is still a pain in the ass. Literally. No, seriously. Riding that bike hurts my ass.
Anyway, I still want to get rid of my bike... and I wish my parents hadn't thrown out my old bike when we moved house. That was a good bike. I could ride for like, 30min straight uphill when I was 10. Okay, maybe that wasn't much, but still. Plus, my new bike doesn't brake properly, so if I skid off the path and into a car...
I just wish I wasn't so unfit. But to become fit would require exercise... and exercise is just pain.
What am I going to do with my life.
Anyway, I still want to get rid of my bike... and I wish my parents hadn't thrown out my old bike when we moved house. That was a good bike. I could ride for like, 30min straight uphill when I was 10. Okay, maybe that wasn't much, but still. Plus, my new bike doesn't brake properly, so if I skid off the path and into a car...
I just wish I wasn't so unfit. But to become fit would require exercise... and exercise is just pain.
What am I going to do with my life.
Monday, 11 March 2013
Biking Adventures
So after building the bike, I decided to ride to school with my friend this morning. I didn't get very far before I broke down in a semi-cardiac arrest. Okay, it's probably not as bad as it sounds, I'm exaggerating. Semi-cardiac arrest isn't even a thing. But my heart beat a lot faster than normal exercise levels, and I felt like I was on the verge of death. I'd always believed that I wasn't fat enough to tire after 200 meters, but I guess you don't need to be that fat to have your heart flip out on you. The thing is, I look myself in the mirror and think, "well, sexy as always," so I don't quite understand why I almost collapsed after riding for not-very-long.
Luckily my friend was there with me, and she offered to lend me her bike while she rode mine. And as it turns out, I seemed to have bought a shitty bike. Well, no surprise there, I did get the cheapest one at a random store. I unwittingly threw away my receipt; and it probably won't be the last time I do something hopelessly retarded. So now I'm thinking about selling my bike for like, 40 dollars, and getting myself a proper one so I can actually ride to school. Yes, I've just lost money, but I'll think of it as a lesson which teaches to never buy something like a bike off a shitty store, and to go to the specialists.
Also, I'm currently extremely paranoid about some kind of heart problem I may be harbouring. While my friend did also mention that the bike was difficult to ride, my reaction to a bit of exercise was way over the top. Normal people should not feel like they're dying when riding up a hill... even if they haven't done any serious exercise in months. I mean, I've run 400 meters and not felt as bad as riding a bike for 200. That can't be right...
Maybe it's God's way of telling me to get a goddamn car...
Luckily my friend was there with me, and she offered to lend me her bike while she rode mine. And as it turns out, I seemed to have bought a shitty bike. Well, no surprise there, I did get the cheapest one at a random store. I unwittingly threw away my receipt; and it probably won't be the last time I do something hopelessly retarded. So now I'm thinking about selling my bike for like, 40 dollars, and getting myself a proper one so I can actually ride to school. Yes, I've just lost money, but I'll think of it as a lesson which teaches to never buy something like a bike off a shitty store, and to go to the specialists.
Also, I'm currently extremely paranoid about some kind of heart problem I may be harbouring. While my friend did also mention that the bike was difficult to ride, my reaction to a bit of exercise was way over the top. Normal people should not feel like they're dying when riding up a hill... even if they haven't done any serious exercise in months. I mean, I've run 400 meters and not felt as bad as riding a bike for 200. That can't be right...
Maybe it's God's way of telling me to get a goddamn car...
Sunday, 10 March 2013
Workety Work
First week over, I'm drowning in work. I sorta feel like nothing's changed, except I don't have my parents around any more, so I'm a lot happier these days. In fact... I'm very happy these days (comparatively). I got up before noon, and cooked myself eggs, tomatoes and sausages. I also had toast and fruit juice. It feels so incredibly good. I think now is pretty much the time to try to healthy lifestyle thing, since I'm all on my own and I can choose how to plan my time etc.
So, work is a chore, except this time, I can actually sense the significance of my work. Everything I'm researching and learning about, I can actually see why it'd be useful. This isn't like high school when I'm sitting in maths thinking "conics is stupid", this is like, "wow if I learnt this I'd be so much more useful to society".
It's like yesterday, how my friend helped me build a bike, because I was incompetent at reading bike-building manuals. We joked about how maths is impractical, because I took 2 lines of higher level maths, and he took one line of standard. Yet in the end, I still couldn't figure out how gears worked on a bike--- though in my defence, I could totally calculate how many rotations the gears did over x distance. My friend also told me this story about how a maths professor tried to make a cake, and the instructions told him to cut it in half, and apply icing to half of it. Apparently the maths professor pondered it for a great while, because it didn't seem fair that only half the cake had icing and the other half didn't. Then his wife walked in and told him he was being stupid, and asked, "how many ways can you cut a cake in half?" The maths professor answered, "well, infinitely, since it's circular..." And then my friend sorta broke down laughing, and I was left to figure out that you cut the cake with the knife parallel to the plane the cake rests on. I was kinda embarrassed to admit that when my friend described the story, I thought exactly the same way the maths professor had... though I probably would've applied the icing to the inner side of the cake as opposed to the top... not that it makes the situation much better.
Let's be glad that my life's ambitions does not involve baking cakes or pastries or anything like that.
Well, I think I've procrastinated long enough in writing this post. Better get started on all this work I complained about.
So, work is a chore, except this time, I can actually sense the significance of my work. Everything I'm researching and learning about, I can actually see why it'd be useful. This isn't like high school when I'm sitting in maths thinking "conics is stupid", this is like, "wow if I learnt this I'd be so much more useful to society".
It's like yesterday, how my friend helped me build a bike, because I was incompetent at reading bike-building manuals. We joked about how maths is impractical, because I took 2 lines of higher level maths, and he took one line of standard. Yet in the end, I still couldn't figure out how gears worked on a bike--- though in my defence, I could totally calculate how many rotations the gears did over x distance. My friend also told me this story about how a maths professor tried to make a cake, and the instructions told him to cut it in half, and apply icing to half of it. Apparently the maths professor pondered it for a great while, because it didn't seem fair that only half the cake had icing and the other half didn't. Then his wife walked in and told him he was being stupid, and asked, "how many ways can you cut a cake in half?" The maths professor answered, "well, infinitely, since it's circular..." And then my friend sorta broke down laughing, and I was left to figure out that you cut the cake with the knife parallel to the plane the cake rests on. I was kinda embarrassed to admit that when my friend described the story, I thought exactly the same way the maths professor had... though I probably would've applied the icing to the inner side of the cake as opposed to the top... not that it makes the situation much better.
Let's be glad that my life's ambitions does not involve baking cakes or pastries or anything like that.
Well, I think I've procrastinated long enough in writing this post. Better get started on all this work I complained about.
Friday, 8 March 2013
New Watch
I ordered a watch off ebay not-so-long-ago. I waited for its arrival with great anticipation, and when it got here I wasn't too disappointed. It's an automatic watch- and I was always under the assumption that automatic watches are expensive as fuck--- but apparently only the Swiss ones. I bought a Japanese automatic watch, which apparently isn't as reliable as the Swiss ones, but I figure if it breaks down in a couple of years, then that's an excuse to grab a new watch.
I paid about twice as much as I could've to buy a water-resistant model. Not that I ever swim with my watch on, or I drop my watch into water, but I'd prefer a water-resistant watch to quell my paranoia. Plus, I don't really have to take my watch off (apart from showering) this way. I love it that much.
It's much more comfortable with the familiar weight of a watch around my wrist. Not that there was anything wrong with my old watch, but I hate its look. I was wearing another watch for a while, but I left it behind when I moved for uni. As a consequence, I now have this beautiful olive green watch around my wrist, and I still haven't gotten over its prettiness. My only problem with it is that the band kinda scrapes against my wrist, and the day on the watch is written in a language which I suspect is Arabic, thus rendering the function useless.
Why is there Arabic on a watch made in Japan? I will never understand. But that's okay, date's more important than day...
So yeah, my watch is totally cool and super-convenient. I do have a phone which tells time, but it's horribly rude to pull out my phone during a lecture or during a tutorial. With a watch on my wrist, I can check the time without being overly conspicuous. Plus, I don't have to reach around in my pocket for ages for the purpose of telling the time.
My new watch is a lovely thing.
I paid about twice as much as I could've to buy a water-resistant model. Not that I ever swim with my watch on, or I drop my watch into water, but I'd prefer a water-resistant watch to quell my paranoia. Plus, I don't really have to take my watch off (apart from showering) this way. I love it that much.
It's much more comfortable with the familiar weight of a watch around my wrist. Not that there was anything wrong with my old watch, but I hate its look. I was wearing another watch for a while, but I left it behind when I moved for uni. As a consequence, I now have this beautiful olive green watch around my wrist, and I still haven't gotten over its prettiness. My only problem with it is that the band kinda scrapes against my wrist, and the day on the watch is written in a language which I suspect is Arabic, thus rendering the function useless.
Why is there Arabic on a watch made in Japan? I will never understand. But that's okay, date's more important than day...
So yeah, my watch is totally cool and super-convenient. I do have a phone which tells time, but it's horribly rude to pull out my phone during a lecture or during a tutorial. With a watch on my wrist, I can check the time without being overly conspicuous. Plus, I don't have to reach around in my pocket for ages for the purpose of telling the time.
My new watch is a lovely thing.
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
Day 3
Though I was so very desperate to move out, living alone has its inconveniences. My enthusiasm for cooking (which arguably never existed) died soon after my 2nd meal. Over the week I've just been heating up miscellaneous pre-cooked meats in the fridge. I've had egg and lettuce sandwiches 2 days in a row, which isn't much, but they're a pain to make and I'm starting to want a new taste. I must say though, my sandwich making skills have improved the second time. And whoever said that sandwiches were easy and convenient--- you're a fucking liar.
Not that cooking is important. I only need to cook one meal a day, and I can manage that, so far. It's just such a hassle. I don't get much pleasure out of eating... like, I enjoy good food, but eating is really more of a necessity than a hobby. If I didn't have to eat, I wouldn't.
My dirty clothes are quickly piling up in the corner of my room. I'm kind of glad I brought so many t-shirts along, because my shirts get drenched in sweat due to the humidity. I should probably wash them over the weekend... or in the afternoon... or something.
That aside, school is manageable. I'm studying Japanese, like I've always wanted. I'm under a lot of pressure to learn quickly, but I think I'll manage to pass if I just sort of...barely...keep up. It's not nearly as stressful as college higher level maths.
Anyway, by the time I finish this course, I'll be like a Japanese genius or something. That, or I'll turn into one of those wannabe-faggots who add "desu" after everything they say in an attempt to sound more Japanese. Either way, I'll know enough to look highly intelligent and multi-lingual if I want to. Never mind that the only thing I can rightfully say is "where is the toilet".
Not that cooking is important. I only need to cook one meal a day, and I can manage that, so far. It's just such a hassle. I don't get much pleasure out of eating... like, I enjoy good food, but eating is really more of a necessity than a hobby. If I didn't have to eat, I wouldn't.
My dirty clothes are quickly piling up in the corner of my room. I'm kind of glad I brought so many t-shirts along, because my shirts get drenched in sweat due to the humidity. I should probably wash them over the weekend... or in the afternoon... or something.
That aside, school is manageable. I'm studying Japanese, like I've always wanted. I'm under a lot of pressure to learn quickly, but I think I'll manage to pass if I just sort of...barely...keep up. It's not nearly as stressful as college higher level maths.
Anyway, by the time I finish this course, I'll be like a Japanese genius or something. That, or I'll turn into one of those wannabe-faggots who add "desu" after everything they say in an attempt to sound more Japanese. Either way, I'll know enough to look highly intelligent and multi-lingual if I want to. Never mind that the only thing I can rightfully say is "where is the toilet".
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Second Day
I still can't navigate campus without GPS. I walk along a path, and after a while it's like, "I have no idea where I'm going". Then I fiddle with my phone and try to trudge in the general direction. It works out...mostly. I'm still trapped in that mood where I'm currently hating on life. I don't want to go to class and I don't want to get out of bed.
Life sucks.
Mood swings are a real nuisance, did you know? I get that feeling again, where I know I'm unhappy but I don't know why. Feeling irrationally unhappy is just one of those things that lands you in the shits.
I think I'll try to sleep it off.
Life sucks.
Mood swings are a real nuisance, did you know? I get that feeling again, where I know I'm unhappy but I don't know why. Feeling irrationally unhappy is just one of those things that lands you in the shits.
I think I'll try to sleep it off.
Monday, 4 March 2013
First Day
So, first day as the youngest grade all over again. God knows how many times I've had that feeling. Just as I was so comfortable with college, too, this hits me. Lectures: let's face it, they're boring as fuck. Some people, no matter how hard they try, are just not very entertaining. I don't think it's about "interactive learning" so much as being "a competent public speaker". Some people, even if they don't do any fancy tricks or whatever, will hold my attention for a lot longer.
...
About 10 minutes in, I'm sitting in the lecture theatre thinking, "man I wanna get out". Then I start questioning myself, "did I make the right decision? Do I even want to be here? Why the fuck am I actually here? Where could I be, if not here?" Then after the sudden impulse to change degrees passes, I calm down for a bit and start thinking, "hey, this isn't so bad" or "I'll definitely like this course".
So yeah, I think I'll most definitely graduate, but it'll be a rocky road. The biggest threat is not going to be exams or work or stress, it'll be my spontaneous mood-swings of "I hate this course" vs "I love this course". It's probably not a healthy mindset, but if I at least love half of it, it should be fine.
The other thing is... I thought people more arrogant than myself were a rare and dying breed (not to boast or anything) but first day in, I can identify myself as "modest" with a conscious guilt-free mind. I look at some of them and I think, "oh geez, aren't you a smartass".
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just used to being around people that I like. But it's a very, very sad realization when you realize that you share nothing in common with people who chose the same course as you. I thought I'd get along so well, because we have one major common interest and we're all here because we want to know the same thing--- but apparently not. Maybe I'm just in that period of time where I don't want to be sociable.
I thought it was a pretty crappy first day, but if I were more positive, I'd say it was alright...
So let's be positive. I had an alright first day.
...
About 10 minutes in, I'm sitting in the lecture theatre thinking, "man I wanna get out". Then I start questioning myself, "did I make the right decision? Do I even want to be here? Why the fuck am I actually here? Where could I be, if not here?" Then after the sudden impulse to change degrees passes, I calm down for a bit and start thinking, "hey, this isn't so bad" or "I'll definitely like this course".
So yeah, I think I'll most definitely graduate, but it'll be a rocky road. The biggest threat is not going to be exams or work or stress, it'll be my spontaneous mood-swings of "I hate this course" vs "I love this course". It's probably not a healthy mindset, but if I at least love half of it, it should be fine.
The other thing is... I thought people more arrogant than myself were a rare and dying breed (not to boast or anything) but first day in, I can identify myself as "modest" with a conscious guilt-free mind. I look at some of them and I think, "oh geez, aren't you a smartass".
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just used to being around people that I like. But it's a very, very sad realization when you realize that you share nothing in common with people who chose the same course as you. I thought I'd get along so well, because we have one major common interest and we're all here because we want to know the same thing--- but apparently not. Maybe I'm just in that period of time where I don't want to be sociable.
I thought it was a pretty crappy first day, but if I were more positive, I'd say it was alright...
So let's be positive. I had an alright first day.
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Tea
I guess no matter where you are, a hot cup of tea tastes just as nice. Day 2 of living on my own: freedom still tastes just as good. I have money to spend at my disposal, shopping and cooking is a chore, but it's still worth it. The only thing which isn't so great is the fact that classes start tomorrow. I feel like I'm back in high school: "I don't wanna go to school~"
Life is just so sweet right now. I don't remember the last time I've felt this complacent. Even if studies are stressful in the future (and I'm sure they will be), I feel like I'll be alright. After all, I have everything I ever need, I'm on my own (so I only need to take responsibility for myself), and everything is just about right.
Now I just need to meet someone devilishly attractive in class, and my life would be complete.
Life is just so sweet right now. I don't remember the last time I've felt this complacent. Even if studies are stressful in the future (and I'm sure they will be), I feel like I'll be alright. After all, I have everything I ever need, I'm on my own (so I only need to take responsibility for myself), and everything is just about right.
Now I just need to meet someone devilishly attractive in class, and my life would be complete.
Writing Japanese
I'd always thought that learning Japanese would be so easy, since I have strong foundations in English and Chinese. Apparently not. Right now I'm practising writing Japanese characters, and I must say it's a pain. There's one particular character (nu) which strongly resembles the Chinese character "nu", and I'm pretty sure that's where it's derived from in the first place. Anyway, I'm quite familiar with writing it the Chinese way, but adjusting it slightly so that it becomes Japanese was way harder than it seemed. It's like I'm purposely corrupting my own handwriting to something I barely recognize.
I can't believe I'm complaining about Japanese writing being too hard though. You'd think that I'd have more trouble in writing Chinese, since there are many more strokes and whatever. My problem with less strokes is that.... everything looks the same. See with Chinese, even if it's dreadfully complicated, at least they are distinct enough. Alright, there are characters which look almost identical in Chinese as well.... but it's not like I'm trying to learn Chinese.
I then get to that stage where I no longer recognize what I am writing, and my mind just goes blank for a while and refuses to recognize anything. After the basic characters, there are also these really annoying variations, where you add two small strokes on top of a character to change its consonant sound. At this point I'm just like "kill me now", but it turns out you can also add a small circle on top of the character to change its sound again! Isn't that exciting?
...That's a rhetorical question, but if you tried answering it... THE ANSWER IS NO.
After that I pretty much curl in a corner because studying is too hard. I think I prefer watching anime instead.
I can't believe I'm complaining about Japanese writing being too hard though. You'd think that I'd have more trouble in writing Chinese, since there are many more strokes and whatever. My problem with less strokes is that.... everything looks the same. See with Chinese, even if it's dreadfully complicated, at least they are distinct enough. Alright, there are characters which look almost identical in Chinese as well.... but it's not like I'm trying to learn Chinese.
I then get to that stage where I no longer recognize what I am writing, and my mind just goes blank for a while and refuses to recognize anything. After the basic characters, there are also these really annoying variations, where you add two small strokes on top of a character to change its consonant sound. At this point I'm just like "kill me now", but it turns out you can also add a small circle on top of the character to change its sound again! Isn't that exciting?
...That's a rhetorical question, but if you tried answering it... THE ANSWER IS NO.
After that I pretty much curl in a corner because studying is too hard. I think I prefer watching anime instead.
Saturday, 2 March 2013
New Life
As of now I am feeling something akin to rebirth. The taste of freedom lingers still in the air, and I have never felt better since... I don't even remember. What I have right now, is what I describe as peace and serenity. There's no one to nag, no one to call. I no longer feel oppressed by being in the house. The only thing that could make this day better is if the Sun came out.
It's been overcast for the entire morning, and I wish I'd see a bit of Sun. When I drove here yesterday, it rained the whole way. When I stepped out the car to get more petrol, it felt as if I've been dropped in the centre of the Antarctic. Now that I'm inside the house, it's all nice and warm, but I would hate to go outside and brave the autumn winds. Actually, autumn isn't so bad because it's spring but less sunny, but God knows I hate winter.
Come to think of it: I've almost blogged on for an entire year, haven't I, if it's winter again. I mean, I swear half my earlier posts were complaints about winter. I do remember that what made me start to write was the fact that I wanted attention and publicity... except now I think I don't really care about that any more. This has just turned into something of a public journal/diary, but it doesn't feel bad. Doesn't feel as if my soul has been exposed or anything, more like I've gained an audience who I can vent at.
Anyway, I am enjoying every minute of my holiday... or rather, what's left of it, because I had to spend so much of it at home. School starts in like, two days, but no matter, I'll like it enough. There's something to be said about accepting your choices as your own and not your parents; all of a sudden I am more willing to take responsibility for what happens later in life.
I think I'll be happy.
It's been overcast for the entire morning, and I wish I'd see a bit of Sun. When I drove here yesterday, it rained the whole way. When I stepped out the car to get more petrol, it felt as if I've been dropped in the centre of the Antarctic. Now that I'm inside the house, it's all nice and warm, but I would hate to go outside and brave the autumn winds. Actually, autumn isn't so bad because it's spring but less sunny, but God knows I hate winter.
Come to think of it: I've almost blogged on for an entire year, haven't I, if it's winter again. I mean, I swear half my earlier posts were complaints about winter. I do remember that what made me start to write was the fact that I wanted attention and publicity... except now I think I don't really care about that any more. This has just turned into something of a public journal/diary, but it doesn't feel bad. Doesn't feel as if my soul has been exposed or anything, more like I've gained an audience who I can vent at.
Anyway, I am enjoying every minute of my holiday... or rather, what's left of it, because I had to spend so much of it at home. School starts in like, two days, but no matter, I'll like it enough. There's something to be said about accepting your choices as your own and not your parents; all of a sudden I am more willing to take responsibility for what happens later in life.
I think I'll be happy.
Cloud Atlas
I watched Cloud Atlas last night, and I have mixed feelings about it. I mean, it was probably the best movie I've seen all season, but that's not saying much since I didn't watch many other movies. While I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, the plot confused the fuck out of me, and at the end of the film I just sat there, thinking, "wtf just happened?"
It's not as if I'm particularly dense: I did understand what was going on... but I only understood the stories separately. To me it was like watching 6 disjoint stories... all merged into one film for no particular reason. It was only when the credits rolled and I saw the actors that I was like, "OHHHH, OMG THAT GUY PLAYED THAT CHARACTER OHHH I DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING, MAKE UP IS SO COOL". But like... I should've been able to pick that up in the story. The make up artists were fucking amazing, but it went to the extent where I couldn't even recognize that it was the same actor, so that kind of destroyed the "reincarnation" and "continuity" theme for me.
I can't decide whether my favourite story is the one with Robert Frobisher and Sixsmith or the one set in Neo Seoul with the girl whose name I can't remember because I couldn't pronounce it. I do remember my heart wrenching at the scene when Sixsmith searches for Frobisher frantically, and I was thinking, "maan this is a great love story". But incorporating that into Cloud Atlas seemed to diminish it a little... It would've made a great movie on its own though. Same with the Neo Seoul scene: they could've played the emotional-philosophical thing sooo much better. But they tried doing too much at once and it sort of tangled itself.
My least favourite story was the one set in the most futuristic time, with some guy from a tribe hiding from cannibals or whatever. Yeeeah, I did not understand wtf was going on. Why is there a green man in a top hat hopping around? Like, where the fuck did he come from and wtf is he doing? Where is this story going? Why is the most futuristic time the most primitive? It's like I didn't know what was going on, but I was no interested in the back story either, if it wasn't being spoon-fed to me. I'm in a cinema, goddammit, I demand instant gratification.
Anyway, even after the confusing story and the trippy events, I still liked the movie. Maybe the good just outweighed the bad. The actors were like, veterans in their field, and they were quite amazing. If it wasn't for that, the movie would've been so much worse. I also liked how they managed to find an entire cast of attractive people. Not ONE of the main characters were unpleasant to look at...
And yes, the 2 stories I enjoyed the most were also the 2 stories where I found the cast most attractive. Shut up, it's not as shallow as it seems. STOP JUDGING ME.
Conclusion: while I wouldn't say Cloud Atlas is the bestest thing ever, it is very good and definitely worth my money. It's one of those rare movies where I'd actually consider watching twice, in a cinema. And that's saying something, considering how stingy I am with my money, and how I reckon movie tickets are a waste, because I can buy a DVD or even a Blu-Ray in some cases for the same price.
....So yeah, go watch this one on the big screen. It's worth it.
It's not as if I'm particularly dense: I did understand what was going on... but I only understood the stories separately. To me it was like watching 6 disjoint stories... all merged into one film for no particular reason. It was only when the credits rolled and I saw the actors that I was like, "OHHHH, OMG THAT GUY PLAYED THAT CHARACTER OHHH I DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING, MAKE UP IS SO COOL". But like... I should've been able to pick that up in the story. The make up artists were fucking amazing, but it went to the extent where I couldn't even recognize that it was the same actor, so that kind of destroyed the "reincarnation" and "continuity" theme for me.
I can't decide whether my favourite story is the one with Robert Frobisher and Sixsmith or the one set in Neo Seoul with the girl whose name I can't remember because I couldn't pronounce it. I do remember my heart wrenching at the scene when Sixsmith searches for Frobisher frantically, and I was thinking, "maan this is a great love story". But incorporating that into Cloud Atlas seemed to diminish it a little... It would've made a great movie on its own though. Same with the Neo Seoul scene: they could've played the emotional-philosophical thing sooo much better. But they tried doing too much at once and it sort of tangled itself.
My least favourite story was the one set in the most futuristic time, with some guy from a tribe hiding from cannibals or whatever. Yeeeah, I did not understand wtf was going on. Why is there a green man in a top hat hopping around? Like, where the fuck did he come from and wtf is he doing? Where is this story going? Why is the most futuristic time the most primitive? It's like I didn't know what was going on, but I was no interested in the back story either, if it wasn't being spoon-fed to me. I'm in a cinema, goddammit, I demand instant gratification.
Anyway, even after the confusing story and the trippy events, I still liked the movie. Maybe the good just outweighed the bad. The actors were like, veterans in their field, and they were quite amazing. If it wasn't for that, the movie would've been so much worse. I also liked how they managed to find an entire cast of attractive people. Not ONE of the main characters were unpleasant to look at...
And yes, the 2 stories I enjoyed the most were also the 2 stories where I found the cast most attractive. Shut up, it's not as shallow as it seems. STOP JUDGING ME.
^I could not recognize that as Jim Sturgess...
Conclusion: while I wouldn't say Cloud Atlas is the bestest thing ever, it is very good and definitely worth my money. It's one of those rare movies where I'd actually consider watching twice, in a cinema. And that's saying something, considering how stingy I am with my money, and how I reckon movie tickets are a waste, because I can buy a DVD or even a Blu-Ray in some cases for the same price.
....So yeah, go watch this one on the big screen. It's worth it.
Friday, 1 March 2013
Arrival
As of today I've officially moved out of my parent's place--- and it's in moments like these that I realise how my parents owned quite a large house... And it seemed a lot...newer.
Anyway, the place I moved into is not bad, the landlord is unobtrusive enough (which is really what I care about). The fact that he said "hello" instead of shoving a list of house rules in my face when we first met left me with an excellent first impression. Of course I don't have the same conveniences as living in my parents' house (like sticking whatever poster I want up on the wall), but not being with them is a blessing. It was quite horrible how, up to the last moment when Dad was with me, I wanted him to be gone. I was bracing myself for getting all emotional, regretting my choices, feeling all home sick, being terrified of the world or w/e... And then Dad was there and all I had in mind was, "you can leave now..."
I'm a horrible person, I do realize. Give it a couple of years. Maybe then we can imagine the possibility of reconciliation.
Currently I am enjoying the state of a beautifully clean room. There's nothing out and sprawled about like in my old room--- I wish the bed was larger, but I'll live with what I've currently got. Living in someone else's house though, as comfortable as it may be, just doesn't seem quite right. It creates this... yearning for something of one's own. But then again, I've wanted my own house for ages. If only I could fast forward to the years where I start making a legitimate contribution to society... and get paid for it.
Wish I could command the pace of time.
Anyway, the place I moved into is not bad, the landlord is unobtrusive enough (which is really what I care about). The fact that he said "hello" instead of shoving a list of house rules in my face when we first met left me with an excellent first impression. Of course I don't have the same conveniences as living in my parents' house (like sticking whatever poster I want up on the wall), but not being with them is a blessing. It was quite horrible how, up to the last moment when Dad was with me, I wanted him to be gone. I was bracing myself for getting all emotional, regretting my choices, feeling all home sick, being terrified of the world or w/e... And then Dad was there and all I had in mind was, "you can leave now..."
I'm a horrible person, I do realize. Give it a couple of years. Maybe then we can imagine the possibility of reconciliation.
Currently I am enjoying the state of a beautifully clean room. There's nothing out and sprawled about like in my old room--- I wish the bed was larger, but I'll live with what I've currently got. Living in someone else's house though, as comfortable as it may be, just doesn't seem quite right. It creates this... yearning for something of one's own. But then again, I've wanted my own house for ages. If only I could fast forward to the years where I start making a legitimate contribution to society... and get paid for it.
Wish I could command the pace of time.
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