Welcome to the Middle of Nowhere

Following up from my last post- I did go see Li Yundi play at the Sydney Opera House. He played like a total showoff and I loved it. I suppose it was his concert. I'd never been in the Sydney Opera House for a performance, and I enjoyed every second of being there. It was a shame that I was exhausted from work and couldn't relax as much as I'd have liked- I actually had excellent seats despite buying the cheapest tickets. The view + sound was definitely something I'd pay for again.

So I moved for my job temporarily to the countryside. It wasn't really by choice but I didn't mind too much- they offered free accommodation and I thought, "well, I could do with some fresh air". The house I'm staying in is fairly large- I share with 3 other guys but it's fine, I think they make decent housemates since everyone cleans up after themselves. I am just carelessly spending money again since I moved (bought a new wifi adaptor for my PC and a new electric toothbrush) but I've pretty much given in to hedonism so it doesn't matter.

Gotta chase the finer things in life.

My attempts to improve my life don't always work out. I thought I'd meet some new people and try dating again- I think the date was fine but I just didn't like the person very much. Actually I'd lost interested before I even met them for the date- and I wasn't that impressed over the course of the evening. It's very strange when people like me more than I like them. It almost puts me off, because when it's too easy I lose interest. I know it makes me sound like one of those shitty men who like it when their partners play hard-to-get... but I don't, really. I think it's more because I didn't like them to begin with, and then when I realised they liked me, I didn't find it endearing just mildly repulsive. Like if they weren't into me, at least I'd feel that we were on the same page in terms of not being compatible with each other... but now it just makes me feel like this person as no self-awareness or insight into the situation, and can't even tell that I've lost interest. Totally not their fault, I've been told multiple times that I'm hard to read and apparently I have the same expression when I'm okay vs when I'm fuming with rage... well... I'll take it as a compliment of my self control?

Oh, and the fact that my date smelled like they hadn't showered in a week didn't help. It's weird because we were messaging each other prior to meeting, and they said they were going to take a shower before meeting me... I was feeling mildly guilty because I was just going to go after work... then they rock up and I'm like, "huh, not what I expected, but OKAY, I'll deal with it".

I thought I'd go back to the city this weekend because I thought I'd find the countryside boring- well, there  are certainly things I miss (like my piano) but being in the country is not so bad. Much smaller dating pool but I should probably give that up for now... The air is fresh, the streets are calm, and the scenery is breath-taking. Oh, and I finish work on time, which is totally unexpected as well. I've gotten so used to staying back for hours and hours at a time (without getting paid for it, mind you), just to make sure the next day isn't fucking unbearable- and because I was willing to put in that extra time, everything was fine. Now it's like... everything will be fine even if I don't work myself to death... and I love it.

Everything at work is new and foreign; there are quite a few things to adjust to... but I think I went alright for my first day? I'm not sure. Tomorrow will be a bit busier because of the way the schedules work on Tuesdays and Thursdays... but I should still make it out of there on time. I really enjoy not having to drive 30min to and from work each though (though honestly 30min isn't too bad) and there being sunlight when I decide I'm done. The shops are only ever a 10min drive away, and I can buy whatever I want as well.... isn't that lovely.

I want to go out for a walk tomorrow. Maybe eat dinner with some of my new colleagues.

It's good to live a little.

Haemorrhaging Money

I can't believe the year's almost over.

I think I've always wanted to be at this point in my life... a point where I'm comfortable with work and I don't have to wake in fear of everything that's about to occur.

The other disgusting thing about growing up though, is having to pay for all the adult things like utilities, health insurance, car insurance/petrol/registration/service, groceries.... the list goes on.

I try very hard to save but a lot of the time I just want to have fun. I went to see The Book of Mormon the other day... and I was saying how nice it was, to actually have a job, that I can afford to see shows when I want to. Just then I purchased tickets to see Li Yundi at the Sydney Opera House. It's something I've always wanted to do, growing up... that is, listening to music at the Opera House. I wanted the guise of sophistication, but it feels weird knowing that I genuinely want to go there for the sake of listening to Chopin and not for impressing anyone else.

....My hobbies are expensive to indulge in though. I guess art/music traditionally are associated with sophistication and upper class elegance because only rich people have the time and resources to explore these things. Not that people without money are barred from it (artists are broke as hell, right), it's just that they can't have it as a "hobby", it's more a "paint or starve" deal- which sounds awful.

The Book of Mormon was hilarious- I'd recommend it to anyone. I saw it with my friends and it was delightful. It was a shame I couldn't hang out with them for longer afterwards... I was committed to finishing my work for the day. I did make the deadline in the end- it was just absolutely exhausting. Every time I load something outside work onto my plate I think "my God that was a mistake", because work is draining. Except when I recall these events with my 20/20 retrospective vision I think "it wasn't so bad after all" and "I AM glad I did that". It's easy to live in the present where your past self has suffered and paid the price, versus sacrificing your present happiness for a future self you are not quite sure exists.

Anyway I'm stuck in a crapshoot situation where I don't really want to work any more than I already am (5/7 days a week) but I really, really do need more money from SOMEWHERE. My only options are these weekend shifts but my weekends are already so precious to me I am loathe to be without it. I don't think I sleep enough for my own wellbeing, and I really should get the doctor to check my vitamin D levels because I swear I haven't had enough sun on my skin.

Despite juggling a couple of things I don't think I'm falling apart at the seams. I have the most wonderful friends, and it's been so fun. I don't know if we'll ever get as close as I did as my high school friends- there's something special about growing up together... but I think it's safe to say this year's been the happiest year of my life since 2004.

If the fun never ends, I don't mind haemorrhaging money after all.

Herald to Spring

The seasons have changed so fast I barely noticed the passage of time. Then again we've had an exceptionally warm winter and I wonder how anyone can deny the truth of global warming. I have a vague feeling the upcoming summer is going to be dreadful.

Honestly not much had changed since I last wrote, even though it's been more than a month. I took a break somewhere in between all the work I was doing (mostly because I fell ill) then recovered by binging anime with a close friend. I finally finished watching Steins;Gate (mostly because my friend made me) and while I can no longer call it a bad show it's definitely something I would have never finished watching if my friend wasn't sitting beside me the whole time I didn't get into the show until about half way through until I finally wanted to just, find out wtf was happening. Though I had the same feeling about Darling in the Franxx, which is basically a pile of shit molded into the form of an anime series--- and I gotta say Steins;Gate seemed to have a bit more substinance to it.

Violet Evergarden was probably the best thing (in terms of anime) I've watched this year though... amazing artwork and music, though the stories get a bit bland a predictable, they overplay the emotions/human relationships theme. I enjoyed watching it immensely regardless. I just wish I could draw/color like that someday, though with the rate of my current practice it almost feels as if I'll never get there.

It's almost alarming how fast time flies when you get into a sort of routine. I don't feel as if I'm learning very much on a day to day basis, but then at one point you realise you're experienced now and you're no longer freaking the fuck out like you were on your first day. This is the place I've wanted to reach all along... to become comfortable with my job and not have an anxiety attack before I go to bed each night, hoping I'll never have to wake up to face "tomorrow". I think I have a long, looooong way to go before I reach any semblance of "excellence" but for now I am happy to say I am "competent". I don't really want to get stuck here though, because I don't think anyone who's ever advertised themselves as "competent" made the greatest impression.

Ever since I entered school I've wanted to "fast-foward" my life, because I thought school was miserable and I honestly didn't want to be there. Right now I'm happier than I ever was, honestly. I filled in a survey about my job today, and I find myself writing that my satisfaction score with life was an 8/10. Not 10/10 because of my innate human greed, not 9/10 because I've got nothing in terms of intimate relationships or family, but 8/10 because I have great friends, a job I'm happy with, and I'm finally satisfied with myself as a person, knowing that I'm always looking to improve but I will never feel incomplete or empty again. Due to this I no longer want to fast-forward my life, and I almost lament that time is passing by too quickly for me to realise what is happening. Small changes here and there, and I feel different to the person I was only 8 months ago. It's not a bad thing, for sure, it just feels incredibly weird and I feel like I'm ageing rapidly despite being "young".

Well, here's to my rapidly dissolving youth.

Back to work

I took a holiday in Melbourne. It was cold and miserable and I realised I didn't even like it much. Sure there was food and there was shopping, but I buy all my things online it made almost no difference. Besides I visited Japan earlier this year and I felt like I could have bought anything I wanted in the world in Tokyo (or probably Akihabara alone...) The only good thing about Melb was seeing my friend who I had not seen in a good five years. She took me to some interesting places... and I experienced VR for the first time. It was actually very trippy how immersive it was... I fully look forward to the day where we play VR games (and we create a massive social dilemma where everyone prefers VR to real life).

Then I came back from my holiday and realised I caught a cold. So I cancelled my plans to see my parents (well, not that I wanted to see them anyway) and slept in until I felt less like a sick dog. I met up with more friends who I had not seen in ages and it was all very good fun. I like it where the weather is warm, and despite me being a great Anglophile I don't think I'd tolerate British weather if I can't even stand Melbourne. Afterwards I was all better, and so I dove straight back into work.

It was like I never fucking left. I thought it'd be a bit foreign, that things would be unfamiliar or...something. Nup. It was the same old shit, and I realised I get sympathy-fatigue very fast. It's sort of alarming when I realise that about myself. I don't like, have trouble connecting to people, but I'm not very good at feeling what I think I'm supposed to feel. I personally think it's a good thing, but I feel if other people knew about my "superpowers" they'd just call me a psychopath. I reckon if I was actually the sensitive kind I'd have quit in like a month, but since I'm closer to stone cold maybe that's not a good thing either. People generally prefer something warmer... at least I look harmless enough on the outside.

Work does wear me out though. I deny feeling tired (I make sure I get adequate sleep because I don't want to make mistakes like that) but my co-wokers have noticed. Actually my friend said I looked like an asshole after Mardi Gras. I was hoping he meant "well-loved and full of glitter" but he clarified by saying I looked like I'd been thoroughly fucked and entirely prolapsed. Thanks for the compliment matey.

It's a fine balance, my sleep and my work and everything else I love to do. Oh, then there's chores and study to slot in somewhere. I've been negligent about studying lately. In a way I miss my uni days, where ALL I had to do was fucking, study all day (and I didn't even do that). I now realise that was a complete luxury, but let's face it, I was poor and lonely and bored and I fucking hated what I was studying half the time. So I'll just push forward with the worklife and we'll get there when we get there............

Mid Winter

It's surprising how fast time passes you by when you get into rhythm. I've spent another few weeks at work, getting into rhythm. Night shifts weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be, though later on there were some shifts that made me want to cry with stress. I think the hardest part was coming to terms with the fact that I was only one person, and even if I had the answers to all these questions, I couldn't possibly be there for everyone.... well, not on time.

Over my time at work I've learnt a few cool things... well mostly I've learnt how to draw blood with various needles. Not sure it'd become a cool party trick, but if I want to start using intravenous drugs in the future I know how to find all my veins. Whew that was a lame joke. Drugs are bad and I don't approve. Unless you've got no one in your life that you could hurt. Then it's like, whatever man.

Imagine living a life where there was no one you could hurt though. Meaning, nobody cares about you enough to be hurt by your self-sabotage. Is that why they preach "love yourself", because nobody else loves you?

I think I've been awake for longer than I'd like to. I should sleep, I have an early-ish flight to catch tomorrow. I'm going to Melbourne for a bit of a holiday. I haven't been in a few years... and I regret that I always seem to travel there in mid winter, but that's where my breaks are consistently. It'll be nice, I think, seeing some old friends, or just loitering around the city in general. I suspect I'll just eat a lot and spend on a lot of money... but that's fine too. I just want to have a good time.

I don't have wise words to part with or anything... I feel like my time is poorly spent between sleep and work and occasional food. There's not much room for self-improvement, really. Time I otherwise spend with my new friends I made from work. They are some wonderful people, and I am so glad to have met them. I do wish I practised piano some more or drew more on my fancy new tablet. I have all these pretty and expensive toys but I have no one to play with... it's kind of lonely.

I'll be fine though. Let me sleep and give me a break, I'll bounce back in no time.