Recreational Drugs

A few years ago I had a massive spaz when I found out 90% of my friends smoked weed. Maybe I did grow up in a stifling conservative environment, I don't know, but back then I thought recreational drugs were like... the materialization of sin itself. Now I've gotten to the point where I'm heavily surprised if a friend says they've never used drugs in their life. Honestly, I still find drug use heavily confronting (when it's from people I know), and I still feel kinda of disappointed when my friends do it....(why would you do that to yourself), but I think I've learnt to be slightly more mature about it.

Having the time to grow up at my own pace, I've seen more of the world, and I've come to understand why people become addicted (just a little better). It doesn't excuse the appalling habit, but sometimes I'm like, "yeah, I get it". When you look around, the people who take drugs are just people like you and I, and you'd never know unless they told you. Humans are more complex than their addictions, I've realised that everyone has a backstory- some of them are just a series of tragedies, but others find success in unlikely places. People are more than their addictions, and it's hard to see that when people behave erratically due to their substance use.

Anyway, I find it appalling that people would support the state-sanctioned murder of drug users. Like holy fuck just because someone's addicted doesn't mean they're useless to society. I know so many high-functioning alcoholics. You probably know some too. Alcohol is pretty fucking bad for you, and that's legal. The illegal substances are yeah, terrible for your health, but it doesn't mean you get the right to kill someone because they snort some cocaine.

Am I too naive to believe that people have inherent worth? It's not that I haven't seen the wreckage some people can bring, and truly, there are terrible people out there. Maybe they don't have much rehab potential. Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to criticize if I can't offer an alternative solution, but I just... I just feel like it's so wrong. Deep down, a part of me likes to believe that life is sacred, that there is a reason for our existence, even if we have to find and define our reason for existence for ourselves. Reading the Bible, I find it dissatisfying enough that God should have the right of judgment, so now I find it incredulous that humans are able to shroud themselves in such moral superiority over another that they would take away another's life, because they deem it not-worth-living.

I need a while more to reconcile how I feel about this topic. Admist all the helplessness I feel, I can still hear the child in me scream, "I want to change this world".

Heartbreak

I watched the world championship finals for League of Legends last night... and I gotta say I've never hurt so bad watching someone else hurt. The team I supported (SKT) went down 0-3 in the most embarrassing fashion... and it's hard because it's literally what I'd predicted would happen. As the first game wrapped up (where the opponents almost had a perfect sweep of a game) I knew I was watching the beginning of the end.

The games were a rollercoaster of disappointment tbh- for a while I thought SKT would have a chance, and in the match-point game I thought they'd win... and maybe make another one of their miraculous reverse-sweep comebacks. Alas, they just fell 0-3 instead, and even though I'm not surprised, it still sucks. Then as the camera panned from the victors to the SKT members, I saw how the star player of SKT, Faker, buried his face in his hands and his whole body shook in the most heartbreaking way. He had to get up and shake hands with the opposing team, which would be the professional custom, so there was that moment of awkwardness where the other team waited as Faker was having a meltdown that's being broadcasted to millions across the world. Ergh

I hate seeing him like this because Faker has won 3 world titles and is commonly known as "the best player in the world". Everyone was bitching about how boring it was that SKT won everything, but I actually liked it... I liked the idea that there was someone SO GOOD that no one would be able to surpass him. To be real, in the end it wasn't like Faker was defeated by the other team, it was more like his own team betrayed him, and then they just shit the bed completely. People often refer to Faker as "God" of this game, and uh, I guess we all saw who Judas was on his team......................

Anyway, I hope Faker will rise again in biblical fashion, because watching him crushed actually hurts. It would be an amazing resurrection story (but he really needs his team mates to stop being dogshit).

November Update

Newflash: the conference was lame, my hopes were dashed. I did enjoy myself there, in the company of some friends, but the event was not what I thought it would be. Of course everything was fine in the end; I had an excellent weekend and now I'm on break before my final exam.

It doesn't feel right to have an exam to prepare for at this stage.. I've been on something akin to a month-long holiday, and the low-pressure environment has made me lazy. I need to get into the groove so that I can be better prepared for next year, but I wonder if, in the future, I will lament how I spent the last summer of my youthful university life with textbooks and lecture notes.

I don't have anything better to do though. There's TV there's games but none of it feels special any more. I realised I can continue to do these things while I'm working... I won't be able to binge an entire season in a night, but I can watch an episode every now and again, or while I'm writing notes. Life isn't an all-or-nothing game, after all.

I've caught up with some of my old friends... I'm glad to see them all, but I'm acutely aware of the fact that we're all leading vastly different lives now. It feels so strange... I have such difficulty relating to everyone's troubles, and I wonder when I started to change, and how I've changed. I can't say I like the feeling. I've carved a new path for myself, different to everyone else's that I've known... it's foreign, it's scary, and it's so easy to feel oh-so-alone. It should be fine though... every day I move an inch closer to exactly where I want to be in life... all that I've envisioned for myself, I will have. The good thing about career goals is that if you set them you can work towards it and you can feel the progress.

So I'll just keep marchin', I guess.

Better Times

My mood has improved substantially since daylight saving time started. I think dusk must be my favourite time of the day, when I can see the trailing blaze of crimson across the sky, as the warmth of the earth rises through my soles. The temperature is pleasantly warm- warm enough for shorts but not so excessive that need the aircon 24/7. Oh, and school is almost over. I've done exceedingly well to get where I am, and though happiness and contentment is a rare-find some days.

I've started reading The House of God again. It's this novel that's famous through the medical world for its unironic presentation of the brutalities doctors face in medicine. I understand more in-jokes now than I ever did before, and I do feel a little disturbed by the things I'm amused by. I think I'll go for something different when I finish The House of God, my friend has recommended Lord of the Flies. I've actually started that already, and from the first few chapters of that I had a sneaking suspicion that a certain character was going to die, then I was impatient enough to spoil the story for myself. Yeah, he dies.

Aaaanyway, I've gone broke recently having shelled out a large sum of money for a conference which I am no longer receiving a grant for. I don't think I would've signed up for it if I didn't expect my grant to go through. Oh well, now that I've paid for everything, I'll just treat it as a mega holiday. I was going to do something to celebrate my graduation anyway, and this can be part of it. I can spoil myself, a little, yeah?

I do fear I've become a bit too relaxed now, though. All I've done since passing my last exam is go see friends, play game and watch league. The international tournament for league is on at the moment, and the team I've supported for years just made it past the initial group stage of the tournament, which I'm pretty happy about. I had faith in them but the odds weren't that good. At least it worked out in the end.

I honestly haven't felt this relaxed since the end of year 12. Like, wow, I pulled through, the mountain of pressure is gone and I've got myself sorted, at least for a little while. Next year will be extra-stressful, but that's next year's trouble. I'm enjoying better times.

More Dates

You'd think it was unwise for me to start dating immediately after dumping someone- but I can't fucking stand my loneliness. I should have been finishing my last assignment of the year, studying for my last exam, or simply reading another book to improve myself. Instead I decided to see someone and get myself tangled once more.

It was a nice day we spent at the gallery. Good company, I'd say. Definitely had fun. Not what I wanted though. I sensed their anxiety from the get-go. Cute, someone's anxious about seeing me. They're again, worried about what I might think of them. I enjoy that. I enjoy having my opinion matter so much... but I'm attracted to arrogance. Not even confidence, arrogance. Didn't feel a shred of that with this person.

I looked at some expensive artwork, and I boldly proclaimed that "I could do better". Actually I probably could, but I'm not sure anyone would buy it for several thousands of dollars. It was intended as a bit of a joke though- my date didn't laugh. They just nodded and said, "I'm terrible at art". I found the same pattern of humility repeated over multiple conversations. Then bam, it hits me, my overwhelming sense of superiority once again. I heard the voice in my head saying, "you think you're better. You feel like you're better. You can do better, and you deserve better".

And that voice was all I heard for the rest of the day.

I felt hollow and empty once again, on my train ride home. What was it that I was looking for? WHO am I looking for? Why the fuck do I keep telling myself I can do "better"??? What the fuck is "better"? Money? Looks? A brilliant mind? And why would someone with all those things want to be with someone like me? I must be reaching delusional levels of self-worth, if I am finding all these people unsatisfactory.

How do you search for something, when you don't even know what you're searching for? All I'm doing is rejecting every option I've been presented, and I'm at the point where I can't even give valid reasons any more. This time I won't complain about their hair, their face, the way they dress, the way they talk, or whatever it was I complained about last time. I just felt, "no, you're not what I'm looking for either, though you are an improvement over the last guy".

I should just go work on my assignment. Maybe it's "better" for me to be alone.