Got Results

So I found out I passed last semester a while ago, but recently I got actual feedback on how my test went (in terms of marks). And OH MY FUCKING GOD it was disgusting. I had 3 fields which I did alright in, everything else was just a total disaster. 30%. I answered 30% of questions correctly in one section. Fuuuuck.

I can't believe I didn't get a borderline warning letter after performing so poorly. Did I just do nothing the entire semester? Is that what happened? How the fuck did I even pass with shitty marks like those?

It's Thursday afternoon right now though, and I really can't be bothered stressing out about results now. I mean, it's in the past, I can't change it, and every semester it's a fresh page so it's not like I can even rectify my mistakes, since we're doing something new anyway. Great, isn't it.

TBH I just want to watch a movie and play some games. I watched a Korean movie called Twenty the other day. It was actually, like, really, REALLY good. I don't think I've seen such a good movie in ages. I think it speaks true about our generation, and one of the characters reminded me soooo much of my friend who got cancer. Actually thinking about that makes me sad again. Goddamn this is depressing.

I guess I'll just take it easy for the rest of this week. Next week I'll be back at school, and I'll work hard to catch up on everything, I swear. Failing is the last thing I want to do.

Conditioned

Even if you've almost forgotten now, if you've loved someone in the past, hearing that they've been hurt will stir a familiar pain in your heart.

And I despise that.

The Rare Weekend

I have work to do. I have a lot of work to do. At the same time I'm once again stuck in a small country town with no mode of transport. I seriously don't know how to get from A to B other than by foot. I have no real food apart from what I can buy at Coles, but idk if I wanna buy like buy all this shit to cook; I'm only here for a couple of days and I won't be able to finish all the ingredients and I won't be able to take anything back with me.

So yeah I've been feeding myself baked pastries and roast chickens- I bought some apples so I'd have some decent fibre in my diet but yeah I know I'm eating like crap. I'm kinda craving cabbage and broccoli and I almost never crave vegetables, so I figure my body is trying to tell me to find some decent food. I'll probably just go out to eat one night when I get back to the city so I can eat some vegetables again.

I've pretty much wasted all of today doing absolutely nothing. I DID however watch another episode of Hannibal and my heart kinda broke when Will said "I won't look for you", and Hannibal ended up turning himself in. Actually the show's kinda fucked up- but idk why it's my kind of thing. I'm not really into morbid stuff but I guess I do like psychological thrillers. If you don't watch Hannibal, I think you should because it's an excellent show. I hear it's getting cancelled though, which is really, really sad because a fourth season would be amazing.

My days are pretty uneventful. I haven't really made any friends but I like the people around here. The only problem I have with my accommodation is how it runs out of hot water every night, so I have to shower before 7pm or risk showering cold. I think Thursday night the water was cold again and I just gave up but felt absolutely disgusting the next morning. Ofc I didn't wake early enough for a morning shower since I needed to get out of the house by 7.40am. Turns out getting your shit together is only easy in theory but not actually realistic.

On a side note, I realized I have this terrible habit of trying to find out something about someone, but I'd never ask the person themselves. Like, I'd be wondering what someone's favorite color is, and instead of asking "hey what's your fav color" I'd kind of take note of the color of all their accessories and figure they probably like green. Or if I wanted to know their birthday I'd stalk them online as opposed to asking them... Maybe I'm just too shy, but I think it's because I don't want to commit to forming a relationship with anyone despite being curious. I think when people think you know them, they expect shit from you, and I find that kind of awkward. Then again I am kind of awkward so maybe that's why.

Geez I'm a mess. Alright bed time. Night.

Oversensitive nose

My vision is declining as I play more games, my hearing has always been selective, but my compensation with oversensitive smell is not really desirable. Every time this guy walked passed me today I can smell this scent- idk wtf it is---- cologne? Deodorant? Shower gel? Whatever the fuck the smell is, it reminds me of sex and I felt so gross because my mind is like "this person is not sexually attractive" but my nose sends some part of my brain into overdrive and it's just "pin him down" and like NO WTF DON'T DO THAT BRAIN.

So yeah couldn't focus all day due to this, since we were in the same room pretty much. Maybe I should sleep more than 6hrs... I think when you don't get enough sleep my conscious mind stops working and my subconscious mind is pretty much an asshole that wants to wreck my life.

Apologies

I hate saying sorry. I hate telling people I'm wrong and that I regret what I may or may not have done. As a consequence I don't say sorry a lot. Sometimes I'll know I'm wrong and I'll just let it go by, still refusing to apologize.

Then sometimes I pride myself on my ability to recognize I'm wrong, and say sorry for that. I'm proud that I'm a better person than a lot of people, simply because I can say sorry and that I can own up to shit.

Today I realized whether I say sorry or not has nothing to do with any of those things. Pride or responsibility or whatever. I'm certainly proud and I have a strong sense of responsibility, but that apparently has very little relevance on whether I apologize.

I say "sorry" when I want to end an argument. Because I don't want this conversation to continue, not because I'm owning up to anything.

I say "sorry" because I care about someone and I want them to feel better, not because I'm regretting anything I have or haven't done.

I refuse to say "sorry", knowing that I'm wrong, because I WANTED to hurt someone and I WANTED them to feel bad.

And in the end I realize I've still got a long way to go before I can be  a better person.