Somewhere between now and my last post, I've managed to fail my exit exam, gained unwanted weight and slept somewhere between 4-6 hours every day. It's not the life I wanted, that's for sure.
I think the failed exam serves me right for being so self-assured and confident, I hadn't been confident in like, 4 years (basically since uni started) and I guess this degree just doesn't like me having any semblance of self-respect. On most days I flip back and forth between "I can do this" and "someone must have dropped me on my head when I was young", and right now I can't explain my level of retardation without a history of traumatic brain injury to back it up.
I don't really want to admit that I was too cocky to study for this exam- I just didn't expect to actually fail despite not studying. Wait, that sounds really bad, doesn't it? What I'm saying is, I just didn't study as vigorously as I did for previous exams, because I was assured that I knew what I was going to be tested on. I was fairly confident I could handle it... and welp, I couldn't.
Was it anxiety? Was it just bad luck? I guess I'll never know. I didn't feel too bad on the day, I didn't even feel too terrible afterwards. I'd been complaining to my friend that I felt emotionally blunted these days. I used to laugh loudly but now my lips just twitch in a way that vaguely resembles a smile, and I used to cry uncontrollably but now I just feel a little lost with no great grief. Maybe I've just gotten over the things that used to play on my emotions- like how when you fall over as a toddler you cry, but when you get older and you fall you just get up and keep going.
Anyway the only solution is to NOT fail my second exam, and if I want to lose weight I probably need to stop eating again. It's hard because I've grown accustomed to food lately; I get hungry way too easily now. I mostly got shamed into eating lunch because everyone at work sat down and ate together, and it'd be a real social thing to look at what other people were eating. Everyone got super-concerned when I didn't have anything, and nobody believed me when I said I just didn't eat lunch. So I brought like some fruit to try and be social, but then people were like "wtf how poor are you" and it's like, no, I just didn't want to eat. Anyway that's all in the past because I started packing lunch and now it's just sad if I don't eat because I feel the worst hunger.
Welp, my life is currently a bit of a mess, I kind of know what I need to do but I kind of don't. I just want to hang out with my friends and have a bit of fun, but it's hard with all that's going on right now. I just want to binge anime and games, and go out to parks and stuff with my friends. I wish life was easier.
Saturday, 19 August 2017
Sunday, 9 July 2017
Happy July
I'm graduating in a couple of months, and my trepidation grows every single day. I feel like the first day I am thrown out into the working world, I will be exposed as the world's biggest fraud, and every single exam I had passed was just a continuous fluke. People just seem to have so much faith in me, but everyday I'm there and I'm like "idk wtf I'm doing, let's just wing this".
This kind of confession is totally uninspiring, isn't it?
My friend tells me I'm suffering from imposter syndrome; I don't really agree with him but I won't admit to anyone else that I think I'm bad at what I do. My rationale is, even if objectively I'm shit at my job, I'm still the only person available to do this job at this moment, therefore I'm relevant.
Anyway, I found out I passed another round of exams 2 days ago. I didn't even celebrate or feel happy like I usually do... I think for once I expected to pass, and I had so much work I just forgot about it. This is also the first year that I've forgotten about my own birthday. I don't know if it's part of growing up; maybe it's time I found someone who remembers my birthdays for me.
Welp, happy July.
This kind of confession is totally uninspiring, isn't it?
My friend tells me I'm suffering from imposter syndrome; I don't really agree with him but I won't admit to anyone else that I think I'm bad at what I do. My rationale is, even if objectively I'm shit at my job, I'm still the only person available to do this job at this moment, therefore I'm relevant.
Anyway, I found out I passed another round of exams 2 days ago. I didn't even celebrate or feel happy like I usually do... I think for once I expected to pass, and I had so much work I just forgot about it. This is also the first year that I've forgotten about my own birthday. I don't know if it's part of growing up; maybe it's time I found someone who remembers my birthdays for me.
Welp, happy July.
Tuesday, 13 June 2017
Should I be concerned
Recently I've developed the habit of reading the news, I don't know why. I used to consider it "boring" and "something old people did", but at one point I had to read the news so I could make small-talk with people I struggle to form a connection with (so like, the majority of the population). It started that way, but now I'm reading because I've gotten in the habit of it. Except everyday it's like, "TERRORISM", "POLITICAL LEADERSHIP MELTDOWN", "DONALD TRUMP". I can't believe Trump is in his own cateogry, in addition to political leadership meltdown.
When I wrote my last depressing post, that was shortly after the London terrorist attacks. That was frightening, I'm glad I wasn't in London then. There were the Manchester attacks as well- oh and there's just like, straight up war going on in the middle east- but we don't talk about that because we're trying to not deal with refugees. Media portrayal of wartime atrocities might remind us that refugees are human, after all.
Then I read shit like "Trump refuses to visit UK" and I'm like, "can we stop talking about Trump already". Of course we can't, he's the president of the US and USA is a pretty influential country. It's just that I have trouble distinguishing whether news about him is legit news or if it's because Trump is a walking meme. I mean he says things that aren't very nice but I think he says a lot of things that a lot of people are too scared to voice. Trump is like a giant mirror, reflecting the fear and hatred deep-seated in his people's hearts. Most of us like to work through our fears and give up the hate, and work towards a harmonious society- idk what Trump is trying to achieve, but I can see why people chose Trump to represent them.
On an unrelated note, I read this morning that a Christian group were trying to deny the mentally-ill access to their church, saying it was disruptive of their service. I'm not even Christian and I know that's not very Christ-like. I thought Christ associated with those from the lowest echelons of society, and I don't remember John 13:34 saying, "love one another as I have loved you, but stuff the mentally-ill they nasty". I don't even know why I feel offended when I have rejected Christianity. Like I think it's a tad delusional, so why am I upset that those with mental illness are denied access to churches? I feel like I need to advocate for the mentally ill though; that being mentally ill does not mean you are dangerous or disruptive. Indeed, many people at church have outright told me that they are alive because they believe in Christ, that they would have killed themselves otherwise. I don't really care if it's antipsychotic medication or psychotherapy or religion that does the trick; if I can prevent unnecessary losses such as people taking their own lives, I would like to.
For all my disillusionment with religion, I think if Christ was before me in this day and age, and attempted to spread his teaching, I would not have a problem with that. Even if I did not understand his God or had the necessary faith, I do not think I disagree with the teachings of Christ himself. For all the times I have frowned at Christianity, it was because his followers are fucking insane and they are unlike him in so many ways.
Still, those hardest to love need it most. Even through their cruel bigotry, I should learn to love, not because I feel inspired by Christian teaching, but because I want to believe in humanity.
When I wrote my last depressing post, that was shortly after the London terrorist attacks. That was frightening, I'm glad I wasn't in London then. There were the Manchester attacks as well- oh and there's just like, straight up war going on in the middle east- but we don't talk about that because we're trying to not deal with refugees. Media portrayal of wartime atrocities might remind us that refugees are human, after all.
Then I read shit like "Trump refuses to visit UK" and I'm like, "can we stop talking about Trump already". Of course we can't, he's the president of the US and USA is a pretty influential country. It's just that I have trouble distinguishing whether news about him is legit news or if it's because Trump is a walking meme. I mean he says things that aren't very nice but I think he says a lot of things that a lot of people are too scared to voice. Trump is like a giant mirror, reflecting the fear and hatred deep-seated in his people's hearts. Most of us like to work through our fears and give up the hate, and work towards a harmonious society- idk what Trump is trying to achieve, but I can see why people chose Trump to represent them.
On an unrelated note, I read this morning that a Christian group were trying to deny the mentally-ill access to their church, saying it was disruptive of their service. I'm not even Christian and I know that's not very Christ-like. I thought Christ associated with those from the lowest echelons of society, and I don't remember John 13:34 saying, "love one another as I have loved you, but stuff the mentally-ill they nasty". I don't even know why I feel offended when I have rejected Christianity. Like I think it's a tad delusional, so why am I upset that those with mental illness are denied access to churches? I feel like I need to advocate for the mentally ill though; that being mentally ill does not mean you are dangerous or disruptive. Indeed, many people at church have outright told me that they are alive because they believe in Christ, that they would have killed themselves otherwise. I don't really care if it's antipsychotic medication or psychotherapy or religion that does the trick; if I can prevent unnecessary losses such as people taking their own lives, I would like to.
For all my disillusionment with religion, I think if Christ was before me in this day and age, and attempted to spread his teaching, I would not have a problem with that. Even if I did not understand his God or had the necessary faith, I do not think I disagree with the teachings of Christ himself. For all the times I have frowned at Christianity, it was because his followers are fucking insane and they are unlike him in so many ways.
Still, those hardest to love need it most. Even through their cruel bigotry, I should learn to love, not because I feel inspired by Christian teaching, but because I want to believe in humanity.
Wednesday, 7 June 2017
Half a break
I'm half-way through my holidays and I can honestly say that I've accomplished very, very little. I did a little bit of studying and revision yesterday- it felt good but I feel as if I've forgotten all I've looked at already. I know I'm not supposed to be binging games mindlessly, but honestly it's the only thing that gives me joy in my life at the moment.
It honestly scares me that the only thing I want right now is for school to start again. I remember how last year I felt tired and overworked, that all I wanted was a break, and how much I cherished that. I wanted to see my friends and I wanted to do this and that in between. Currently... I feel like I don't have any of that. There's no game I'm dying to finish, no giant art project that will take 2-3 days to fill out, I don't have any books I'm looking forward to reading, and there isn't even any pressing urgency to complete my work. The things I usually do just don't seem as fun any more.
I feel guilty that I've left the piano mostly untouched. I don't have the patience to learn a new song, and I'm sick of playing the songs I've already learnt. I never thought I'd get to the stage, because when I was learning to play my first song I thought, "this music is so beautiful, if this is the only thing I ever learn to play I'll be satisfied". I wasn't satisfied, I learnt many more tunes and though they were all songs I listened to obsessively at one stage, right now they've sort of lost their charm.
Back in the early 2000s I would play the same song on repeat. If I had a new album from my favourite artist, Jay Chou, I would play the first song on repeat, until I got sick of it. Then I'd move onto the next song. I felt that if I did that, the album would "last longer", whatever that actually meant. Then I found many more artists I liked, and I started listening to entire albums at a time. Now I have Spotify and I stream whatever the fuck I want- but I don't even know what I want any more.
-----------
I watched a musical in Sydney with a friend of mine a couple of days ago- before any of you suggest that I might be depressed and in dire need of friendly company. I DO socialize. We watched "Only Heaven Knows", a show about gay love set in the 1940s. I had no expectations for the show; we were only there because we wanted to see a musical but that was the only one that played in the time we were in Sydney. Anyway, it was surprisingly good, but the recent history of homosexuality is downright depressing. There was a scene where "aversion therapy" was portrayed- basically a person was shocked with electrical current after displaying an image of a man, and it was supposed to cure homosexuality. I think in theory it works for house pets, you might teach the cat to stop knocking glasses off the table, but I wouldn't shock my cat even if she broke all my drinking glasses, so it's disturbing for me to think that you would choose to shock a human being.
The show reminds me of The Handmaid's Tale, they're both about how fast things can change over time, but in a bad way. The liberties we enjoy are taken for granted, and if we don't fight for them they are too easily taken away. As I write in the comfort of a warm room, sitting in front of my own laptop and looking forward to returning to my final term of higher education, I wonder if tomorrow the world would be ripped out from under my feet, and if I could lost everything in a heartbeat. That's what refugees from war-torn countries must feel like, I think. We often think that they don't need our help if they are well-dressed, if they have a smartphone in their hands; we need them to look like malnourished beggars before they are deserving of our sympathy. If this country broke out in war, however, I think I would still like to maintain some semblance of human dignity.
I've gone off on a tangent again. I must sound so very left-leaning, but I won't apologise for considering "human welfare" something that's important to me. Our world is facing troubled times, and our futures are rife with uncertainty. What I SHOULD be doing is enjoying the remainder of my break, while I have it.
It honestly scares me that the only thing I want right now is for school to start again. I remember how last year I felt tired and overworked, that all I wanted was a break, and how much I cherished that. I wanted to see my friends and I wanted to do this and that in between. Currently... I feel like I don't have any of that. There's no game I'm dying to finish, no giant art project that will take 2-3 days to fill out, I don't have any books I'm looking forward to reading, and there isn't even any pressing urgency to complete my work. The things I usually do just don't seem as fun any more.
I feel guilty that I've left the piano mostly untouched. I don't have the patience to learn a new song, and I'm sick of playing the songs I've already learnt. I never thought I'd get to the stage, because when I was learning to play my first song I thought, "this music is so beautiful, if this is the only thing I ever learn to play I'll be satisfied". I wasn't satisfied, I learnt many more tunes and though they were all songs I listened to obsessively at one stage, right now they've sort of lost their charm.
Back in the early 2000s I would play the same song on repeat. If I had a new album from my favourite artist, Jay Chou, I would play the first song on repeat, until I got sick of it. Then I'd move onto the next song. I felt that if I did that, the album would "last longer", whatever that actually meant. Then I found many more artists I liked, and I started listening to entire albums at a time. Now I have Spotify and I stream whatever the fuck I want- but I don't even know what I want any more.
-----------
I watched a musical in Sydney with a friend of mine a couple of days ago- before any of you suggest that I might be depressed and in dire need of friendly company. I DO socialize. We watched "Only Heaven Knows", a show about gay love set in the 1940s. I had no expectations for the show; we were only there because we wanted to see a musical but that was the only one that played in the time we were in Sydney. Anyway, it was surprisingly good, but the recent history of homosexuality is downright depressing. There was a scene where "aversion therapy" was portrayed- basically a person was shocked with electrical current after displaying an image of a man, and it was supposed to cure homosexuality. I think in theory it works for house pets, you might teach the cat to stop knocking glasses off the table, but I wouldn't shock my cat even if she broke all my drinking glasses, so it's disturbing for me to think that you would choose to shock a human being.
The show reminds me of The Handmaid's Tale, they're both about how fast things can change over time, but in a bad way. The liberties we enjoy are taken for granted, and if we don't fight for them they are too easily taken away. As I write in the comfort of a warm room, sitting in front of my own laptop and looking forward to returning to my final term of higher education, I wonder if tomorrow the world would be ripped out from under my feet, and if I could lost everything in a heartbeat. That's what refugees from war-torn countries must feel like, I think. We often think that they don't need our help if they are well-dressed, if they have a smartphone in their hands; we need them to look like malnourished beggars before they are deserving of our sympathy. If this country broke out in war, however, I think I would still like to maintain some semblance of human dignity.
I've gone off on a tangent again. I must sound so very left-leaning, but I won't apologise for considering "human welfare" something that's important to me. Our world is facing troubled times, and our futures are rife with uncertainty. What I SHOULD be doing is enjoying the remainder of my break, while I have it.
Friday, 2 June 2017
Thought
Those who say "money can't buy happiness" has never been poor enough to experience the unhappiness lack of money can bring.
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