Motivation on the down-slope

It's a Sunday afternoon- the temperature is perfect. I should go out for a walk and do some shopping before it gets dark though, because there's some groceries I need to grab. I did 0 work over the weekend and I don't even feel bad about it. I feel strangely productive these days- I realized it's actually possible for me to do work BEFORE the last second. I handed in an assignment early for the first time in my life. Well, I handed one in early last year, but that one I did with a friend and he pushed me real hard. This one was an assignment that I did all by myself- it was very short, I started like a week beforehand and slowly, slowly churned out around 600 words. It sounds pathetic, right. I've written 1000 word assignments over a couple of hours, right before they were due, so it must be embarrassing to take so long to write 600 words. In reality, I'm actually so proud of myself- I am capable of getting things done before the due date, I can create artificial pressure for myself, and have enough discipline to write something. Even if it is as insignificant as 600 words- it's like a milestone achievement for me.

It must sound ridiculous to those of you out there who have better time management skills than I do, huh? Well truth is, I've lacked self-discipline ever since I grew to be part of Westernized culture, and even though my parents are really nasty and harsh sometimes that's mostly just them, and it didn't really help me along.

I don't remember why I did no work yesterday- I think it rained and I couldn't go out, so I just felt lazy all day and listened to music. I actually feel more energetic after I exercise- I feel like I can take on the world and go on an adventure- but when I crawl out of bed near noon I kind of just want to hide under my blankets and slide my thumb across my phone. I'd really like a new phone, actually- my phone's getting really, really slow and I'm kind of annoyed by it. Problem is, new phones are kind of expensive, and I'm thinking about getting the new Samsung S6 when it comes out. I reckon it'll be around $1000 just for the phone, so I might lock myself into a contract... that might be cheaper? I don't know. It'll be more convenient for me to just have the phone though- I'll be going overseas end of this year so I NEED to have a different carrier anyway.

Speaking of that- it's going to be an adventure. I'm actually so excited that I'm going to so many places this year. 2015 for me is like the year of travel. Yeah alright so the only place I've been to so far is that little rural town for my work experience- but that's still cool. I know it's like, same country, same state, but just the fact that I'm completely thrown out somewhere, on my own, with no one I know is both frightening and exciting at the same time. Life feels unreal- like I'm in an RPG or something. Have you ever wondered how characters can just leave their home town, travel around and go on quests? Then random NPCs seem to help them out and you start to wonder if that's just a little too convenient... Well it turns out real life works kind of the same way, at least where I live. People are generally nice and trusting, and they're very willing to be your friend. Unfortunately I haven't found a trustworthy companion to share my travels and adventures with... but maybe one day.

Anyway there are a great deal of things lined up for me this year, and I think I'll just feel really good if I manage to get through to December in one piece. Exams and stuff scare me, I'm behind on school work (like I always am), but at the same time I'm actually learning to many things... Not just the whole "medicine" thing, but stuff like, how to talk to people, how to navigate relationships and get places, how to stay healthy etc... Aaand I'm also close to finishing and second song on piano, which is very exciting for me. Life's actually been very good ever since I worked out one day that people like me, I don't actually know why they like me- I don't think I can  pin it down to one thing, but they most definitely like me--- often a lot more than I like them. Anyway I'm figuring how to abuse that to my advantage (as you do), but yeah, it feels really, really good to know that people you barely know actually randomly like you and are willing to help.

What a time to be alive. It's a shame I can't stay friends with the people I like though- or at least work out how to avoid situations in which I feel totally unpleasant around them.

I quit League of Legends

I feel so absolutely terrible right now. I don't think I've been this sad in a while- ever since I moved out of home, I think, I don't remember feeling this bad. I was playing LoL with my friends, like I do most nights- and I just had an absolutely terrible game. To be honest I don't think that shitty game was my fault- sure we were losing slowly but you couldn't blame the whole game on me. Because this is the internet, and because we were losing, naturally my opponents started teasing. Rude, sure, but completely expected in a video game.

Then it happened again. IT FUCKING HAPPENED AGAIN. My friend, who I naturally assumed was on my side, made some shitty remark that just brought my world crashing down once more. I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS, AND MY LIFE IS SOMETHING I HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL OVER RIGHT NOW. Basically he dragged out something personal and threw it out there- yeah, nobody would've understood the meaning behind it, but it's a sore wound for me. Nobody else fucking understands because the pain is not theirs, they can't see it can't feel it so when it gets torn open on me nobody really knows or cares. BUT IT FUCKING HURTS. IT HURT THAT NIGHT I DECIDED TO GO TO MY YEAR 12 FORMAL, AND IT FUCKING HURTS NOW.

I remember clearly every time one of my "friends" screw me over in one way or another. This scenario isn't even new- I suck at LoL, my friend start giving me shit for being bad at the game, agreeing with the enemy team. Oh, that's the same guy who blamed me for giving his computer a virus, btw. It makes me so incredibly mad thinking about it now- and I know he won't even remember all this because he's absent-minded and has the memory of a goldfish. He'd probably say to me, "so what, it was so long ago and I didn't mean it". And yeah, sure, me being mad at the time and continuing to hold the grudge does nothing for our friendship, but I have problems forgiving and I admitted that a long time ago. We're still friends now, and we're friends now because I did learn how to forgive- but that's not the same thing as forgetting. No, I don't forget- I forgive you so we continue on like we always did, but I'll never trust you the same way and I don't expect shit from you.

I think LoL just brings out the worst in people, myself included. And I can't stand it- I won't let a game ruin the person I'm trying to be. I want friends, I NEED friends in this isolated shit-town that my second rate university is located in. Like HOOOOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS UNIVERSITY IS SO BAD. Transfer out- right? Yeah as if I'd fucking throw 2 years down the drain. I'm not repeating this bullshit at another school. But this is actually such a terrible university, I hate it so much. Maybe it's just this course, maybe it's just this year manager, maybe it's just these people--- maybe, maybe. I don't fucking know, but the net effect is I hate where I am and I need friends to get me through the day.

LoL brought me friends in a period of depression. It allowed me to meet people I don't think I would've come close to otherwise- but I can't go on like this. Being lonely is most definitely, I am certain, infinitely better than having friends that turn on you and make you feel like you're being bled dry.

Yeah, I did that thing again. You know, the thing where I'm so pissed off on the inside but I don't let it show and I don't tell anyone. I just demonstrate it in my actions, and people are caught so off-guard because they have no fucking idea what my problem is. Why am I suddenly acting this way? Am I throwing another one of my random tantrums? Maybe I'm just being tired- maybe I have PMS, who the fuck knows. It's  a terrible habit, isn't it? Yet I always act this way... I don't want to talk about it, I just want to be angry, and I want people to know I'm angry. I don't explain why because I feel so insulted that people don't even know why I'm mad, despite having offended me greatly.

Reminds me of that time, April Fool's day, my 2 best friends decided to prank me. One guy called me after 12 and told me he was gay. He left me on speaker on the other end, so my other friend would hear the whole conversation. I knew it was April Fool's, but I didn't want to call out "hahah you're kidding right it's April Fool's". I can imagine how shitty it'd be if you're trying to open up to someone but they're not even taking you seriously, denying your problems even exist, showing that they don't want any part in it. So I did my best to be the good friend who found out his friend is gay. I listened, and I said some really touchy-feely things. Then an hour or so later it gets revealed as an April Fool's joke, and guess what, my best friend heard it all and was laughing in the background the whole time! How wonderful. Exactly what I wanted for my demonstration of empathy.

The consequences? I told the guy to go fuck himself and remained angry for about 2 weeks? He had NO FUCKING IDEA why I was mad at him, and he wasn't even sure if I was actually angry. I got over it eventually- and by "got over it" I mean we're still friends to this day, but that doesn't mean I don't feel like total shit when I recall that memory.That also doesn't mean I can treat him the way I would've treated him if none of this ever happened. There's a fundamental trust that's been broken and what that means I'll never take him seriously ever again. He could be telling me that his family just died and I'd have this thought at the back of my mind, "remember what happened last time he talked about shit like this?"

So yeah I feel really shit right now, and I deleted LoL from my computer. I won't go back and I don't need to go back- I have other games I  can play, and I don't need all the shit I get from it. I'm feeling so fucking depressed right now it's not funny. I know it's not true but the only thing that's going through my mind right now is- we only let people into our lives so they can ruin us. And I don't want to be fucking ruined. I want someone who makes me feel legitimately happy and validated as a person, not just someone who's really terrible at their favorite character in LoL.

I'm going to bed. All I want in this life is to find ONE, ONE person who treats me the way I want to be treated.

I'm greedy, yeah.

Trashy Music Phase

I have Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" and Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" on repeat on a playlist, and I feel like I'm being brainwashed because I can't stop listening and I don't want to stop playing them.

Maybe subconscious me likes to listen to lyrics about the objectification of women and endorses songs promoting rape culture. Shame on you, subconscious me. Or really, shame on me.

Onto something that's way more serious than my trashy music trashy lyric phase- I recently went to a lecture that talked about homosexuality, and I really enjoyed the lecture. The presenter explained the concept behind the word "homophobia", because a lot of us are now using that quote "you're not scared, you're just an asshole". The way the presenter explained it, right, was that you're not strictly scared of someone homosexual, but rather you're scared of being seen as homosexual. From that perspective, it makes perfect sense, and the presenter went on the say that actually, a lot of  homophobia stems from deeply-rooted misogyny in our society- and that made even more sense.

Like, think about it, when people think about someone who's gay a lot of people think of men with classically "feminine"tendencies- from stuff like dressing neatly to endorsing in pink products. As far as I'm aware though, one's sexual orientation does not determine one's gender-expression, so really there's no way all gay men will act female. And in truth, what is acting female, anyway? Don't we just associate something as being male/ female because of the distribution we see? See I personally find it repulsive that valuing cleanliness and fashion are considered "girly", like, just because you have a penis between your legs doesn't mean you need to act like a total slob and undervalue personal-hygiene. One of the most infuriating comments I hear is "his room is messy, but he's a boy" or "you need a girlfriend around to keep your house tidy". How terribly presumptuous- who in their right mind would date someone so that they could clean someone's house for them?

I'm totally not thinking about my somewhat-recently married brother who has gotten away with a trashy room all his life and will continue to get away with it.

Well this has completely derailed from the original topic of "trashy and inappropriate music I like". Here, let me link you one. I actually had this one playing while my Mom was in the room once. Luckily she didn't pick up the lyrics.

This is me tbh

What I learnt on work experience #2

It's quarter to midnight atm, which makes it perfect blogging time, right?

Anyway, continuing on with my cool story about work experience...

So the first impressionable person taught me that life is a poverty pit and medicine is a fine way of getting out. I think that's true, and I already gave that spiel about how immoral monetizing the healthcare system is, yada yada... but I truly respect this person and think they're quite right, in a literal sense.

Then let's talk about the second impressionable person I met. That was someone completely different, with a different world view and strong opinions. I felt that person was someone who'd literally argue with me all day over a mundane point, just because he got caught up in the moment. They were rather uncomfortable around me, which I guess I understand, given my age and naivety and a bunch of other things--- but still, they taught me things I don't think I would've learnt from anywhere else.

So this was someone who chose to study medicine after years of work doing some other thing, and this was one of those people every med school entrance exam hoped to find. True passion, honest motives, with an ambition of hoping to make the world a better place. And MAN people like that give me pressure. You just talk to them, and you realize, "this person is a better person than what I'll ever be." Then I start feeling really uncomfortable and awkward, and I tend to stay silent because I don't know what to say, and that if I express my thoughts I'm going to be trampled by their moral high-horse.

I couldn't help myself though- they were really kind to me, and I wanted to know them better. It's sort of like how you crave for the warmth of sunlight even though you know it burns your eyes. I wanted to be that good, I wanted to be what they were. So during casual conversation, I was honest about how I wasn't that keen on studying medicine in the first place- but I don't hate it. And as long as I don't hate it I can convince myself to keep going, to find a way out of the "poverty-pit", and everything will be alright. I think that person was shocked to start with, but they did all that was in their power to reserve judgment of me- and that sort of made me hate myself more.

See I already have problems with people who are just... better than I am, so I harbor a natural disdain for them. I try and convince myself that there is no way someone can be that genuine, and it's all a facade. The rule is generally true, and then I feel better when I uncover their flaws etc--- but here was someone, for all their flaws, was still better than everything I was- and I can only hate myself because I can't bring myself to hate them.

Anyway, from this better-than-me human being, I learnt that your background really shapes who you are, and you can be as moral as you want when you ignore everything ugly and broken in this world. You just don't understand why people do things and you start doubting the core of humanity, and you feel like a saint because everyone else is just so wrong. But from this person I saw that it was possible to be who you were without judging people for all their wrongs, and that it was possible to be tolerant and accepting without understanding their struggles and hardships. You didn't need to walk a mile in their shoes, you don't even have to imagine what they've been through... you can still be you, with all your values and moral codes and everything you were raised with and taught--- but in the end, you accept someone for who they are.

And that concept is something so incredible to me, I'm not sure I'd ever be able to achieve it myself.

There you have it, then. That's about 70% of the stuff I learnt on placement, that nobody would've taught me or told me otherwise. Reality is quite harsh, isn't it? The rest of the stuff I learnt came from various other impressionable people- I studied the subtleties of bureaucracy, political correctness, economics and philosophical values. All that, combined with the clinical skills I was meant to learn, became entirely overwhelming. I'm glad I took out the time to blog about these things- gives me a chance to recollect my thoughts.

I think I'm really fortunate to have met someone who made me want to be a better person.