Welcome to the Middle of Nowhere

Following up from my last post- I did go see Li Yundi play at the Sydney Opera House. He played like a total showoff and I loved it. I suppose it was his concert. I'd never been in the Sydney Opera House for a performance, and I enjoyed every second of being there. It was a shame that I was exhausted from work and couldn't relax as much as I'd have liked- I actually had excellent seats despite buying the cheapest tickets. The view + sound was definitely something I'd pay for again.

So I moved for my job temporarily to the countryside. It wasn't really by choice but I didn't mind too much- they offered free accommodation and I thought, "well, I could do with some fresh air". The house I'm staying in is fairly large- I share with 3 other guys but it's fine, I think they make decent housemates since everyone cleans up after themselves. I am just carelessly spending money again since I moved (bought a new wifi adaptor for my PC and a new electric toothbrush) but I've pretty much given in to hedonism so it doesn't matter.

Gotta chase the finer things in life.

My attempts to improve my life don't always work out. I thought I'd meet some new people and try dating again- I think the date was fine but I just didn't like the person very much. Actually I'd lost interested before I even met them for the date- and I wasn't that impressed over the course of the evening. It's very strange when people like me more than I like them. It almost puts me off, because when it's too easy I lose interest. I know it makes me sound like one of those shitty men who like it when their partners play hard-to-get... but I don't, really. I think it's more because I didn't like them to begin with, and then when I realised they liked me, I didn't find it endearing just mildly repulsive. Like if they weren't into me, at least I'd feel that we were on the same page in terms of not being compatible with each other... but now it just makes me feel like this person as no self-awareness or insight into the situation, and can't even tell that I've lost interest. Totally not their fault, I've been told multiple times that I'm hard to read and apparently I have the same expression when I'm okay vs when I'm fuming with rage... well... I'll take it as a compliment of my self control?

Oh, and the fact that my date smelled like they hadn't showered in a week didn't help. It's weird because we were messaging each other prior to meeting, and they said they were going to take a shower before meeting me... I was feeling mildly guilty because I was just going to go after work... then they rock up and I'm like, "huh, not what I expected, but OKAY, I'll deal with it".

I thought I'd go back to the city this weekend because I thought I'd find the countryside boring- well, there  are certainly things I miss (like my piano) but being in the country is not so bad. Much smaller dating pool but I should probably give that up for now... The air is fresh, the streets are calm, and the scenery is breath-taking. Oh, and I finish work on time, which is totally unexpected as well. I've gotten so used to staying back for hours and hours at a time (without getting paid for it, mind you), just to make sure the next day isn't fucking unbearable- and because I was willing to put in that extra time, everything was fine. Now it's like... everything will be fine even if I don't work myself to death... and I love it.

Everything at work is new and foreign; there are quite a few things to adjust to... but I think I went alright for my first day? I'm not sure. Tomorrow will be a bit busier because of the way the schedules work on Tuesdays and Thursdays... but I should still make it out of there on time. I really enjoy not having to drive 30min to and from work each though (though honestly 30min isn't too bad) and there being sunlight when I decide I'm done. The shops are only ever a 10min drive away, and I can buy whatever I want as well.... isn't that lovely.

I want to go out for a walk tomorrow. Maybe eat dinner with some of my new colleagues.

It's good to live a little.

Haemorrhaging Money

I can't believe the year's almost over.

I think I've always wanted to be at this point in my life... a point where I'm comfortable with work and I don't have to wake in fear of everything that's about to occur.

The other disgusting thing about growing up though, is having to pay for all the adult things like utilities, health insurance, car insurance/petrol/registration/service, groceries.... the list goes on.

I try very hard to save but a lot of the time I just want to have fun. I went to see The Book of Mormon the other day... and I was saying how nice it was, to actually have a job, that I can afford to see shows when I want to. Just then I purchased tickets to see Li Yundi at the Sydney Opera House. It's something I've always wanted to do, growing up... that is, listening to music at the Opera House. I wanted the guise of sophistication, but it feels weird knowing that I genuinely want to go there for the sake of listening to Chopin and not for impressing anyone else.

....My hobbies are expensive to indulge in though. I guess art/music traditionally are associated with sophistication and upper class elegance because only rich people have the time and resources to explore these things. Not that people without money are barred from it (artists are broke as hell, right), it's just that they can't have it as a "hobby", it's more a "paint or starve" deal- which sounds awful.

The Book of Mormon was hilarious- I'd recommend it to anyone. I saw it with my friends and it was delightful. It was a shame I couldn't hang out with them for longer afterwards... I was committed to finishing my work for the day. I did make the deadline in the end- it was just absolutely exhausting. Every time I load something outside work onto my plate I think "my God that was a mistake", because work is draining. Except when I recall these events with my 20/20 retrospective vision I think "it wasn't so bad after all" and "I AM glad I did that". It's easy to live in the present where your past self has suffered and paid the price, versus sacrificing your present happiness for a future self you are not quite sure exists.

Anyway I'm stuck in a crapshoot situation where I don't really want to work any more than I already am (5/7 days a week) but I really, really do need more money from SOMEWHERE. My only options are these weekend shifts but my weekends are already so precious to me I am loathe to be without it. I don't think I sleep enough for my own wellbeing, and I really should get the doctor to check my vitamin D levels because I swear I haven't had enough sun on my skin.

Despite juggling a couple of things I don't think I'm falling apart at the seams. I have the most wonderful friends, and it's been so fun. I don't know if we'll ever get as close as I did as my high school friends- there's something special about growing up together... but I think it's safe to say this year's been the happiest year of my life since 2004.

If the fun never ends, I don't mind haemorrhaging money after all.

Herald to Spring

The seasons have changed so fast I barely noticed the passage of time. Then again we've had an exceptionally warm winter and I wonder how anyone can deny the truth of global warming. I have a vague feeling the upcoming summer is going to be dreadful.

Honestly not much had changed since I last wrote, even though it's been more than a month. I took a break somewhere in between all the work I was doing (mostly because I fell ill) then recovered by binging anime with a close friend. I finally finished watching Steins;Gate (mostly because my friend made me) and while I can no longer call it a bad show it's definitely something I would have never finished watching if my friend wasn't sitting beside me the whole time I didn't get into the show until about half way through until I finally wanted to just, find out wtf was happening. Though I had the same feeling about Darling in the Franxx, which is basically a pile of shit molded into the form of an anime series--- and I gotta say Steins;Gate seemed to have a bit more substinance to it.

Violet Evergarden was probably the best thing (in terms of anime) I've watched this year though... amazing artwork and music, though the stories get a bit bland a predictable, they overplay the emotions/human relationships theme. I enjoyed watching it immensely regardless. I just wish I could draw/color like that someday, though with the rate of my current practice it almost feels as if I'll never get there.

It's almost alarming how fast time flies when you get into a sort of routine. I don't feel as if I'm learning very much on a day to day basis, but then at one point you realise you're experienced now and you're no longer freaking the fuck out like you were on your first day. This is the place I've wanted to reach all along... to become comfortable with my job and not have an anxiety attack before I go to bed each night, hoping I'll never have to wake up to face "tomorrow". I think I have a long, looooong way to go before I reach any semblance of "excellence" but for now I am happy to say I am "competent". I don't really want to get stuck here though, because I don't think anyone who's ever advertised themselves as "competent" made the greatest impression.

Ever since I entered school I've wanted to "fast-foward" my life, because I thought school was miserable and I honestly didn't want to be there. Right now I'm happier than I ever was, honestly. I filled in a survey about my job today, and I find myself writing that my satisfaction score with life was an 8/10. Not 10/10 because of my innate human greed, not 9/10 because I've got nothing in terms of intimate relationships or family, but 8/10 because I have great friends, a job I'm happy with, and I'm finally satisfied with myself as a person, knowing that I'm always looking to improve but I will never feel incomplete or empty again. Due to this I no longer want to fast-forward my life, and I almost lament that time is passing by too quickly for me to realise what is happening. Small changes here and there, and I feel different to the person I was only 8 months ago. It's not a bad thing, for sure, it just feels incredibly weird and I feel like I'm ageing rapidly despite being "young".

Well, here's to my rapidly dissolving youth.

Back to work

I took a holiday in Melbourne. It was cold and miserable and I realised I didn't even like it much. Sure there was food and there was shopping, but I buy all my things online it made almost no difference. Besides I visited Japan earlier this year and I felt like I could have bought anything I wanted in the world in Tokyo (or probably Akihabara alone...) The only good thing about Melb was seeing my friend who I had not seen in a good five years. She took me to some interesting places... and I experienced VR for the first time. It was actually very trippy how immersive it was... I fully look forward to the day where we play VR games (and we create a massive social dilemma where everyone prefers VR to real life).

Then I came back from my holiday and realised I caught a cold. So I cancelled my plans to see my parents (well, not that I wanted to see them anyway) and slept in until I felt less like a sick dog. I met up with more friends who I had not seen in ages and it was all very good fun. I like it where the weather is warm, and despite me being a great Anglophile I don't think I'd tolerate British weather if I can't even stand Melbourne. Afterwards I was all better, and so I dove straight back into work.

It was like I never fucking left. I thought it'd be a bit foreign, that things would be unfamiliar or...something. Nup. It was the same old shit, and I realised I get sympathy-fatigue very fast. It's sort of alarming when I realise that about myself. I don't like, have trouble connecting to people, but I'm not very good at feeling what I think I'm supposed to feel. I personally think it's a good thing, but I feel if other people knew about my "superpowers" they'd just call me a psychopath. I reckon if I was actually the sensitive kind I'd have quit in like a month, but since I'm closer to stone cold maybe that's not a good thing either. People generally prefer something warmer... at least I look harmless enough on the outside.

Work does wear me out though. I deny feeling tired (I make sure I get adequate sleep because I don't want to make mistakes like that) but my co-wokers have noticed. Actually my friend said I looked like an asshole after Mardi Gras. I was hoping he meant "well-loved and full of glitter" but he clarified by saying I looked like I'd been thoroughly fucked and entirely prolapsed. Thanks for the compliment matey.

It's a fine balance, my sleep and my work and everything else I love to do. Oh, then there's chores and study to slot in somewhere. I've been negligent about studying lately. In a way I miss my uni days, where ALL I had to do was fucking, study all day (and I didn't even do that). I now realise that was a complete luxury, but let's face it, I was poor and lonely and bored and I fucking hated what I was studying half the time. So I'll just push forward with the worklife and we'll get there when we get there............

Mid Winter

It's surprising how fast time passes you by when you get into rhythm. I've spent another few weeks at work, getting into rhythm. Night shifts weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be, though later on there were some shifts that made me want to cry with stress. I think the hardest part was coming to terms with the fact that I was only one person, and even if I had the answers to all these questions, I couldn't possibly be there for everyone.... well, not on time.

Over my time at work I've learnt a few cool things... well mostly I've learnt how to draw blood with various needles. Not sure it'd become a cool party trick, but if I want to start using intravenous drugs in the future I know how to find all my veins. Whew that was a lame joke. Drugs are bad and I don't approve. Unless you've got no one in your life that you could hurt. Then it's like, whatever man.

Imagine living a life where there was no one you could hurt though. Meaning, nobody cares about you enough to be hurt by your self-sabotage. Is that why they preach "love yourself", because nobody else loves you?

I think I've been awake for longer than I'd like to. I should sleep, I have an early-ish flight to catch tomorrow. I'm going to Melbourne for a bit of a holiday. I haven't been in a few years... and I regret that I always seem to travel there in mid winter, but that's where my breaks are consistently. It'll be nice, I think, seeing some old friends, or just loitering around the city in general. I suspect I'll just eat a lot and spend on a lot of money... but that's fine too. I just want to have a good time.

I don't have wise words to part with or anything... I feel like my time is poorly spent between sleep and work and occasional food. There's not much room for self-improvement, really. Time I otherwise spend with my new friends I made from work. They are some wonderful people, and I am so glad to have met them. I do wish I practised piano some more or drew more on my fancy new tablet. I have all these pretty and expensive toys but I have no one to play with... it's kind of lonely.

I'll be fine though. Let me sleep and give me a break, I'll bounce back in no time.

April is the season of cherry blossoms

I just returned from Japan, where I saw actual cherry blossoms. It was nice, but I didn't manage to find an entire field of them. Now that I'm back home I'm glad, Australia is an excellent country and I don't know why anyone would want to live anywhere else.

....Though I do miss Japanese trains... so fast, punctual, and soooo efficient. Also their society is so polite as a whole, it was great for tourism. Oh, and their toilets, with warm seats and just general...cleanliness. The public toilets I've been to, you can generally smell before you enter, but in Japan it was like using a toilet at home. I wonder if they just employ more cleaners or if Japanese people have just learnt to piss in the toilet instead of spraying it all over the floor.

I think the nicest part was probably meeting friends I hadn't seen for a while. There was my friend who I'd not seen for a whole 5 years, then other people who I'd not seen for many months due to my work or their work committments. We had such a good time together, I'm glad I went on this trip. It wasn't quite what I expected (I thought I'd come back with a giant body-pillow with some naked girl on it), but it was actually a rather educational trip with all the places I'd visited and the experiences I had. My only regret was that I didn't learn more Japanese before I went, and that I didn't try hard enough to speak it when I had the chance.

Anyway, my holiday is almost over, and I need to get back to work soon. It'll be fine, I hope, getting back into rhythm when I've had such an excellent time overseas.

Monthly Review

My efficiency at work has greatly improved.
I'm quite proud of myself at the moment.
I also worked some dog-shit shifts which saw me going for 14h without food. Would not recommend.
Why the fuck is "rostered overtime" a thing. If you NEED to roster people for overtime, it means you haven't hired enough people because holy fuck what????
Also I see why people complain about being used and abused. Those times you have to stay back 30min - 1hr, you don't feel like it's important enough to claim overtime, but you legitimately work extra time every day and it's like, by the end of the week you've accumulated several hours which you were not paid for. That's just... so... not cool.

In terms of the private life- I've made so many friends. Work friends are great, the environment is something you can only dream of. I mean I've had some scuffles here and there already, and there's someone who I'm working with that I don't have a lot of respect for... I was trying to learn from this friend of mine, who I said "saw the best in everyone". I used to think she way too naive and that it'd ruin her, but over time I've appreciated how that actually makes you a better person, if you judge people by their best intentions and don't presume the worst about everyone you ever meet. Ofc you need to be realistic and have some grounds in reality, but it's all about the mindset. So I tried. But this guy, this guy, right, he just says some of the most fucked up things and IT PISSES ME OFF. I work with some extremely vulnerable people whose lives are in the shits, and sometimes I know it's near-impossible to sympathise with them. but IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO JUDGE THEM FOR THEIR MORAL CHARACTER. So don't you dare judge them when you've had the privilege of a good education and a family to go home to at night. These people have lost everything, and maybe it's their fault, or maybe this God we cannot see decided to fuck them over but spare you instead.

This guy, I swear, is the ultimate embodiment of Christian hypocrisy- goes to church every Sunday, couldn't find enough decency within to shut his fucking mouth when he can't think of anything more appropriate to say.

Okay, rant over. To be honest I don't think he's a fundamentally bad person, he's just very old and fixed in his ways and I've lost all hope for him. But I am young and ambitious and I want to try save the world whilst I have the energy to, so I guess I look down on people like him, who give off the feeling of death despite being alive.

Anyway, work tomorrow. I better sleep. It's going to be a fantastic year.

Work Got Better

I feel like I have no idea wtf I'm doing at work, but I've managed to get a bit further along than last week. At least I no longer get lost inside my workplace and run around like a headless chicken. Everything still feels far to large and the lights far too bright, but yes, I'm slowly adjusting.

I haven't quite gotten over my fear of calling people on the phone, but unfortunately it's a daily job of mine. It's weird that I wouldn't mind speaking to them face to face or over text, but a phone call just seems so... idk, idk how to describe it but basically it weirds me out. I think doing everything via text would suit me so much better... maybe it's just a feature of my generation.

Anyway I got paid for work and idk if it makes everything right again, but at least it means I can pay off rent. I already spent my first paycheck on that iPad I always wanted to use as a drawing tablet- I get to pick it up tomorrow so that's mildly exciting. Yes, I did buy a vacuum cleaner. It was $200 but it works and I'm satisfied.

I need to stop spending money, I say as I browse electric pianos in my area.

I started work and it sucked

Well I didn't start real work just yet... it's mostly orientation stuff, getting to know people. I'm just having a difficult time adjusting to the fact that I'm being paid to stay back every day so I actually need to stay back til that time. Every night I come home and I feel like I'd be okay if the world ended then and there, because it's not like I have effort to do much else. Luckily there was a long weekend and I survived, but it was a struggle.

It makes me worried- if I struggled this much through orientation, how much more is real work gonna suck? Or maybe I'll enjoy it, idk. I'm pretty positive that it'll all work out, but I think I'm mostly just... scared that I'm staring down "the rest of forever", though it may not necessarily be true.

I made some new friends though. That's been great. I finally finished moving into my new place, then I went out with my new friends and we had a bit of fun. We went to a national park and established that yes, I am physically unfit and I really need to exercise more. My body's still aching from the workout... it's kind of embarrassing to describe.

On an unrelated note, I'm still bleeding money like you wouldn't believe... I've furnished my home, and now I'm thinking of buying a $300 vacuum cleaner and a digital piano... My life just feels really... empty without the music.

I guess I better stop bitching about work (that I haven't started for reals yet) and make some money...

I don't want to start work

So I went to check out my new work place and get some paperwork sorted before work officially starts on Monday. I was pretty much shitting myself as I walked through the building... Everything just looked newer and taller and more technologically advanced than we had it up North. Then the receptionist gave me the coldest reply I'd ever received when I asked her for directions to the office... and I was starting to feel a bit... uneasy. I mean she looked like me when I used to work at KFC, the "if my life were to end now it would be bliss" face, as you talk to the next person in front of you.

Anyway I lugged all my things and moved closer to work... but the place I'm renting hasn't been sorted out and like.... it's a nightmare imagining having to clean and set up furniture and just get everything ready by the evening... ahhhh it's a total disaster. I'll be so happy when everything's sorted and I can settle down for a bit. I've been haemorrhaging money since moving... wtf is stamp duty and why is it so expensive? Furniture, too. Furniture prices seemed reasonable until you realised you have to buy all kinds of furniture at once... then it's like ????????????? what.

Despite my frenzy and concerns over my financial stability, I am 2 clicks away from buying an iPad pro and the apple pencil that comes with it. I just... want to draw, so badly? I can think of so many reasons why I shouldn't buy it, and only one for why I should buy it... and that one reason is "because I want to". Weird how that has the same weight as everything on the other side, ranging from "you already have an iPad" to "you literally have to draw from your savings to afford this iPad".

Ah, needing money but not wanting to work. The life.

A New Beginning

Happy New Years....

Although I'm writing this about a week late. I've spent the past month in (almost) absolute bliss. I saw most of the friends I've wanted to see, and I had fun spending money, going on holidays and playing too many games for my own good, probably.

I still haven't shaken off my mobile game addiction and I continue to play almost religiously. Whoops. The most productive thing I've done is probably sort out my accommodation for this year, since I'm going to be working full time. Oh my God the prospect scares me to shits. Work. Responsibility. Then on top of all this my never-ending goals to lose-weight-get-fit-(but maybe not too much weight)-read-more-find-love-study-harder it just gets a bit... too much to think about. Naturally I've decided to bury my head in the sand and "worry about it later".

Oh, I read Hannibal and Hannibal Rising at a beach house. Yeah I know I see like a loser, reading books when I'm at the beach, but it's really hot during the day time and I don't enjoy getting roasted by the Sun. I'm lucky I tan instead of burn, but that only slightly lowers my risk of skin cancer. Anyway, I'm glad I found those books at the beach. I've seen the TV show Hannibal in all its glory, but the novels were something else. I actually like the TV show much better (not just because I found the actors more attractive), but I felt as if the characters improved on the given source material. There were also some aspects of the novel which I found a bit... old fashioned. Like how uh, when you read Sherlock Holmes and there's a chapter that's randomly racist, and you realise it wasn't considered racist in their time, but it disturbs you now. Despite that, good read. Glad I read something.

I was actually quite surprised at the ending of Hannibal... I kind of envisioned a Hamlet-esque showdown where everybody ends up dead, but it wasn't that at all. I'd call the twist "refreshing", though I've read criticism claming that the ending undermines certain characters' development. I simply felt those characters arrived at one of their many character conclusions. I don't really want to spoil it in case someone reading this decides to read it some day. All I can say is that I wish they'd renew more seasons of Hannibal the TV show, because whew it's a good story.

Well, here's hoping that 2018 brings good things.