I don't understand how it works, how it's possible to feel lonely whilst surrounded by people. I went out to dinner last night with a good friend, we watched our school musical together afterwards. It felt like a date, and I enjoyed it so much. But she wasn't my girlfriend, and I felt strange because I saw some colleagues from work there (with their partners)- our glances met and they nodded at us with a smile, and I knew then that we'd been mistaken for a couple. I felt like I had lied, without lying, and I felt so empty inside.
My work is still going, I'm still trying to study for that exam I failed, admist mounting pressures to complete assignments and whatnot. I procrastinated again by going to lunch with a friend again; she introduced me to her new bf and his friend. They were nice people, but I didn't know what to talk to them about... often I just find myself stunted for conversation.
Then, in first-world-problem style, I'm going on a date with someone who I'm convinced likes me more than I like him. I don't think the problem lies with me, however (I may have a problem with narcissism), I just feel like this guy gets way too attached way too quickly. Like we're just casually flirting and he went from 1 to neckbeard real quick. My friends are concerned that I haven't dumped him yet, but to me it's like... well, it's the first time in ages I haven't been linked up with someone who's actually insufferable or retarded, and this guy makes me laugh. Not because he's funny, but because he says things that are wildly inappropriate and cringe-worthy in the context of the conversation, I just. Yeah. It's like those memes you see on Facebook about random men approaching women like "hey bb u want sum fuk". Will I find it less amusing and annoying as time goes on? Definitely. For now, I'm happy enough to see where things go. I just feel like he's has a mould in his mind of what the future should be, and he's already envisioning me fitting that mould, and I'm like "WTFFFFFF DUDE DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME". I say I can't meet his expectations, and I don't mean that in a self-deprecating sort of way, but I'm fully expecting a full display of the jarring effects of unmatched expectations vs reality. Ahhh, that's going to suck. Oh well.
Now you're reading this and you're like "wait wtf, this guy sounds terrible! What are you doing Vane?" Welp, all I can say is, certain attributes about a person can make me extremely tolerant of all their shortcomings. I don't think I'll expand on that, because I feel pathetic even as I type this (like holy shit I despise myself for my lack of integrity and shallowness).
So that takes us back to the title. Is it okay to feel lonely? Probably. But I've had a lonely year, losing all my friends to various things, and now BOTH my best friends are overseas, it's killing me on the inside. I don't think a relationship with an overly attached man will fill the void that has resulted from a disconnection from friends and family, but still I'm pathetically using this guy who likes me way too much, because I like being liked. You shouldn't base your inherent sense of self worth on someone else, but due to social conditioning I don't want to feel unwanted or undesirable. Never have I been so certain that I could break someone if I decided to reject them, and that makes me feel... powerful.
Yeah okay we've arrived at the point where I'm thoroughly disappointed and disgusted at myself. Wonderful.
I hope my date goes well.
I hope I like him.
Sunday, 27 August 2017
Thursday, 24 August 2017
People are so cruel
I really need to stop reading the news, it depresses me so much. It's all about the US, anyway. I feel like Trump never left the media spotlight since he ran for president, and every day there's another article of him saying something retarded. Like the recent Charlottesville incident- I get that removing statues or whatever could be a sensitive topic, but this Nazi literally plowed through the crowd and killed someone with his car. Like, if you have a problem condeming a Nazi, you really should have been born when Hitler was still around. Of all the tough decisions and difficult political stances that might be expected of a US president, condemation of a Nazi should not be one of them. Actually, forget that this guy was a Nazi, the fact that he fucking MURDERED someone by running them over should be enough for you to say, "yeah that was bad". WTF is "blame on both sides"??? There are times in politics where you try to be vague and ambiguous but that was just a terrible time.
Then I go read the Facebook comments and it just fills me with grief. My responses range from "I can't believe someone actually WROTE that" to "is that what he REALLY THINKS?" Social media is bloody depressing. Also my Facebook is overflowing with messages encouraging people to enrol to vote. I'm in Australia, you see, and our government decided it would be appropriate to hold a non-binding postal vote on whether couples of the sex should be able to get married. Like, fucked as America is, the nation that is supposedly "united under God" is more progressive than we are. What.
I'm really avoidant and non-confrontational, even on my best days. I've rarely had the courage to speak up about the things I care about, or to take an adamant stance on ANYTHING, even when it affects me directly. This same-sex marriage thing is really, REALLY grating on my nerves though. I've actually had a terrible time coming to terms with myself, and seeing our government humiliate and deny people their basic dignity gives me the greatest grief. Some people just cannot be reasoned with, but I wish they would pause to think about what they were actually saying.
"If we allow the gays (note, we are "the gays", detached from our humanity and represented by nothing more than our sexuality) to marry, then will we marry dogs and goats later? When does it end?" Well I'd say we can end it at the "2 consenting adults" bit, really. One could argue your spouse has already married an absolute dodo, and they should be extinct, but here you are yapping away.
"What about the children? Every child deserves a mother and a father" The thing is, if you stop being such a prick to children with 2 same-sex parents, they'll be fine. There's no evidence to show that children are disadvantaged in any way, except for the discrimination they face for having 2 fathers or 2 mothers. And that's not their problem, that's what we need to fix as a society. Also, come on, we have sooooo many kids in the foster care system right now, and yeah they could benefit from a stable family. I've known so many shitty cases of people fostering children just so they could get that sweet centrelink money, and that kills me a little on the inside- and nobody cares if these fuckers are married or not. Marriage isn't about children, and not every marriage will produce children- some people don't even want children. God may want you to populate this Earth, but your God is not the same as everyone else's God.
"We are too politically correct these days, you can't disagree without being called a homophobe". And you are absolutely too sensitive, getting too offended when I call you a homophobe. If I was being "too politcally correct" I'd call you a "dissenter of marriage equality", but instead I called you a homophobe. "what's wrong with calling a spade a spade, after all?"
Sometimes I'm like, "I get it, I can sympathise". But then I'm like, "no, no I fucking can't, what the fuck is your problem".
-Don't like gay people? Don't fucking marry one.
-Don't want your kids raised by gay people? Fuck, raise them yourself then.
-Religious, don't want to marry gay people? Enjoy your religious exemption (yes, you have one)
At the end of the day, you are well within your rights to vote no. You just can't expect me to respect you for it, or take you seriously as a person. Yeah, it's okay to vote no, you homophobe.
Then I go read the Facebook comments and it just fills me with grief. My responses range from "I can't believe someone actually WROTE that" to "is that what he REALLY THINKS?" Social media is bloody depressing. Also my Facebook is overflowing with messages encouraging people to enrol to vote. I'm in Australia, you see, and our government decided it would be appropriate to hold a non-binding postal vote on whether couples of the sex should be able to get married. Like, fucked as America is, the nation that is supposedly "united under God" is more progressive than we are. What.
I'm really avoidant and non-confrontational, even on my best days. I've rarely had the courage to speak up about the things I care about, or to take an adamant stance on ANYTHING, even when it affects me directly. This same-sex marriage thing is really, REALLY grating on my nerves though. I've actually had a terrible time coming to terms with myself, and seeing our government humiliate and deny people their basic dignity gives me the greatest grief. Some people just cannot be reasoned with, but I wish they would pause to think about what they were actually saying.
"If we allow the gays (note, we are "the gays", detached from our humanity and represented by nothing more than our sexuality) to marry, then will we marry dogs and goats later? When does it end?" Well I'd say we can end it at the "2 consenting adults" bit, really. One could argue your spouse has already married an absolute dodo, and they should be extinct, but here you are yapping away.
"What about the children? Every child deserves a mother and a father" The thing is, if you stop being such a prick to children with 2 same-sex parents, they'll be fine. There's no evidence to show that children are disadvantaged in any way, except for the discrimination they face for having 2 fathers or 2 mothers. And that's not their problem, that's what we need to fix as a society. Also, come on, we have sooooo many kids in the foster care system right now, and yeah they could benefit from a stable family. I've known so many shitty cases of people fostering children just so they could get that sweet centrelink money, and that kills me a little on the inside- and nobody cares if these fuckers are married or not. Marriage isn't about children, and not every marriage will produce children- some people don't even want children. God may want you to populate this Earth, but your God is not the same as everyone else's God.
"We are too politically correct these days, you can't disagree without being called a homophobe". And you are absolutely too sensitive, getting too offended when I call you a homophobe. If I was being "too politcally correct" I'd call you a "dissenter of marriage equality", but instead I called you a homophobe. "what's wrong with calling a spade a spade, after all?"
Sometimes I'm like, "I get it, I can sympathise". But then I'm like, "no, no I fucking can't, what the fuck is your problem".
-Don't like gay people? Don't fucking marry one.
-Don't want your kids raised by gay people? Fuck, raise them yourself then.
-Religious, don't want to marry gay people? Enjoy your religious exemption (yes, you have one)
At the end of the day, you are well within your rights to vote no. You just can't expect me to respect you for it, or take you seriously as a person. Yeah, it's okay to vote no, you homophobe.
Saturday, 19 August 2017
Just kidding, July sucks
Somewhere between now and my last post, I've managed to fail my exit exam, gained unwanted weight and slept somewhere between 4-6 hours every day. It's not the life I wanted, that's for sure.
I think the failed exam serves me right for being so self-assured and confident, I hadn't been confident in like, 4 years (basically since uni started) and I guess this degree just doesn't like me having any semblance of self-respect. On most days I flip back and forth between "I can do this" and "someone must have dropped me on my head when I was young", and right now I can't explain my level of retardation without a history of traumatic brain injury to back it up.
I don't really want to admit that I was too cocky to study for this exam- I just didn't expect to actually fail despite not studying. Wait, that sounds really bad, doesn't it? What I'm saying is, I just didn't study as vigorously as I did for previous exams, because I was assured that I knew what I was going to be tested on. I was fairly confident I could handle it... and welp, I couldn't.
Was it anxiety? Was it just bad luck? I guess I'll never know. I didn't feel too bad on the day, I didn't even feel too terrible afterwards. I'd been complaining to my friend that I felt emotionally blunted these days. I used to laugh loudly but now my lips just twitch in a way that vaguely resembles a smile, and I used to cry uncontrollably but now I just feel a little lost with no great grief. Maybe I've just gotten over the things that used to play on my emotions- like how when you fall over as a toddler you cry, but when you get older and you fall you just get up and keep going.
Anyway the only solution is to NOT fail my second exam, and if I want to lose weight I probably need to stop eating again. It's hard because I've grown accustomed to food lately; I get hungry way too easily now. I mostly got shamed into eating lunch because everyone at work sat down and ate together, and it'd be a real social thing to look at what other people were eating. Everyone got super-concerned when I didn't have anything, and nobody believed me when I said I just didn't eat lunch. So I brought like some fruit to try and be social, but then people were like "wtf how poor are you" and it's like, no, I just didn't want to eat. Anyway that's all in the past because I started packing lunch and now it's just sad if I don't eat because I feel the worst hunger.
Welp, my life is currently a bit of a mess, I kind of know what I need to do but I kind of don't. I just want to hang out with my friends and have a bit of fun, but it's hard with all that's going on right now. I just want to binge anime and games, and go out to parks and stuff with my friends. I wish life was easier.
I think the failed exam serves me right for being so self-assured and confident, I hadn't been confident in like, 4 years (basically since uni started) and I guess this degree just doesn't like me having any semblance of self-respect. On most days I flip back and forth between "I can do this" and "someone must have dropped me on my head when I was young", and right now I can't explain my level of retardation without a history of traumatic brain injury to back it up.
I don't really want to admit that I was too cocky to study for this exam- I just didn't expect to actually fail despite not studying. Wait, that sounds really bad, doesn't it? What I'm saying is, I just didn't study as vigorously as I did for previous exams, because I was assured that I knew what I was going to be tested on. I was fairly confident I could handle it... and welp, I couldn't.
Was it anxiety? Was it just bad luck? I guess I'll never know. I didn't feel too bad on the day, I didn't even feel too terrible afterwards. I'd been complaining to my friend that I felt emotionally blunted these days. I used to laugh loudly but now my lips just twitch in a way that vaguely resembles a smile, and I used to cry uncontrollably but now I just feel a little lost with no great grief. Maybe I've just gotten over the things that used to play on my emotions- like how when you fall over as a toddler you cry, but when you get older and you fall you just get up and keep going.
Anyway the only solution is to NOT fail my second exam, and if I want to lose weight I probably need to stop eating again. It's hard because I've grown accustomed to food lately; I get hungry way too easily now. I mostly got shamed into eating lunch because everyone at work sat down and ate together, and it'd be a real social thing to look at what other people were eating. Everyone got super-concerned when I didn't have anything, and nobody believed me when I said I just didn't eat lunch. So I brought like some fruit to try and be social, but then people were like "wtf how poor are you" and it's like, no, I just didn't want to eat. Anyway that's all in the past because I started packing lunch and now it's just sad if I don't eat because I feel the worst hunger.
Welp, my life is currently a bit of a mess, I kind of know what I need to do but I kind of don't. I just want to hang out with my friends and have a bit of fun, but it's hard with all that's going on right now. I just want to binge anime and games, and go out to parks and stuff with my friends. I wish life was easier.
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