The Rehearsal

There are some things I wanted to explain, but it feels so difficult to get the words right. I'll just throw them out there, and hope you can make sense of them.

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About two years ago, I was taught a list of ways to demonstrate verbal empathy. The idea was to advance my communication skills and help me establish rapport with others in conversation. It basically came down to me rehearsing a list of phrases over and over, and interjecting the same sentiments where I can during conversation, so that I could check off a box on my list that said "I was an empathetic person". Some items on the list included:

• "I am sorry for your situation"
• "I am sorry you had to experience that"
• "It must have been difficult for you"
• "I can only imagine the stress that would bring"
• "That sounds like an incredibly unpleasant situation to be in"

The idea was to acknowledge the person in front of me and validate their feelings. I had several gripes with the exercise. Firstly, I was not a great verbal communicator. I had problems with performance and public speaking for as far as I can remember, and the event brought me a great deal of anxiety. The problems weren't so much that I'd give a crappy speech or a crappy performance, it was more how overwhelmed I felt and how uncomfortable I was with the proposition. As a result, I tend to rely a lot more on non-verbal cues- expressions, gestures, eye contact. Much easier, much more natural, and to me- I felt much more sincere.

But there I was, in front of a mirror, rehearsing my scripted replies, so that I could pass my examinations. I've never felt so insincere and fake- but then I figured, isn't that how it is for me. I don't feel like I belong here, and the plan has always been "fake it til I make it". This is just the same thing. 

And so I carried on, until one afternoon, I was caught in a situation, where someone had disclosed something deeply personal and private. I was shocked- it was sprung on me (I didn't feel like I knew this person well enough to warrant that kind of disclosure)--- and I had no idea how to respond or... anything. In my almost dumbfounded state, I forced myself to stammer- mostly by ingrained habit at this point- "I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been difficult for you". I don't know much about how sincere I felt in my words- I can't really say I meant them or didn't mean them- my brain wasn't functioning at that point. I wouldn't think I could fool anyone with my awkward, uncomfortable presentation. 

Yet it had the most profound effect. The other person was deeply emotional, but it was like I had uttered some arcane spell, and the seas parted the mountains shifted. Like a stubborn lock had finally given way- not that I was trying to unlock anything- but that's what it felt like. That's when I learnt the power of those words. For all my emotional disconnection- I did a positive thing and achieved results. 

I thought- isn't it just like those fantasy novels I love to read? I'm the young and not-very-bright wizard, the spells are in Latin and I don't know what they mean, but I use them anyway and voila. Except in real life I'm not quite a wizard and my spells are in English- the only thing in common is that I still don't quite know what they mean.

Now, that was all the thought I gave the matter at the time.

Late last year I was in England- and I met this girl who complained to me about the same things I used to complain about. "I feel like I'm lying, because I'm just saying 'sorry' without meaning it", she told me. "Then I just have to say all this stuff, but I didn't think of it myself, I learnt it from a list". What I told her surprised myself, really. I said,

"It's not about how you feel, it's about how they feel. You might not feel very sincere saying those words, but the person you're speaking to wants to hear it, and they are better after the right words have been spoken. Then, because you care for the person in front of you, because you want them to feel better, you say what you know will make them feel better. That's what's genuine about this situation. You're still trying to help someone". 

I feel the situation is fundamentally different from deceit. My concern remains, but normally I would not use specific words to express myself. However, the rehearsed script gives me a medium to express myself, not in a way I'm comfortable with--- but in a way that another person will understand. In the end, it's about communication. 

I wish someone had explained it to me when I started- I feel like I got over it for entirely the wrong reasons, but whatever. I think most people, in their lives, will find themselves in a situation where it is necessary to express empathy of some sort- so I hope my experiences will help you then.