MissRepresentation

I watched a bit of a documentary called MissRepresentation, and I gotta say it's one of the more depressing things I've seen in a while. Yeah, it's about feminism. I still hate the word, but I don't disagree with the concept behind it. My friend kinda educated me on the fact that "feminism" doesn't mean what I think it means, and I really shouldn't be hating on the word. Turns out what I thought was feminism falls under a sub-category of "radical feminism", and a lot of it is actually, well, written by men.

Often I have heard the phrase "a woman should be a woman and a man should be a man". The sentiment behind the expression is highly insulting- insinuating that a woman who does not fit the stereotypical image should be ashamed, and that a man is nothing if he is not "masculine". When I first heard it though, I thought it was kind of ridiculous. The words are so redundant, because anything a woman does should be considered womanly by definition- because she is a woman. And if something is both womanly and manly--- well isn't that just the way it is. Why do we have to look for exclusion or contradiction, when none exists fundamentally.

I find it difficult to accept that a woman is the same as a man. I mean, no, it's very obvious that they are not the same. I do find that as a poor excuse to refuse woman the same opportunities and privileges than men have. I think, for so long, we have viewed women in the context of men. When you study anatomy, you look at the model of a male body, and you know, "the female body is analogous to the male; the ovaries are the testes and the clitoris is the penis". This creates a false impression that being male is the norm, and being female is the derivative.

You can call me out on being pedantic here- but really, wouldn't it make so much more sense, if "human" was used as the basis, and then we separate into the paths of masculinity and femininity. That is- while women are not men, they are still human. I hope I don't need to draw like, a venn diagram or something to explain this to you.

And I think the world would be so much better if we stopped hating on women. Yeah, women get emotional and they PMS and sometimes they're just a bitch. But then, men get emotional and they don't have a uterus but damn they PMS as well- and guess what, men can be little bitches. It's so weird we don't call out the guys for it, but then every time a woman does something like that, woah it's a media sensation. So that's really what sexism is- you get called out for doing normal things, because you're female.

Yeah, female privilege exists. I don't deny that. I mean, it's kinda cool when you walk into a bar and people buy you drinks, yeah? But it only kinda works if you're like, young, and hot, and your tits are still perky. Like, you don't look at someone and just go, "wow, I can tell you have a great personality and you love volunteering in your spare time". The thing you gotta know though, is that your free drink might be roofie'd and you get raped at the end of the night. Ah, the catch 22.

Wait, but if you're a guy, it doesn't matter, right? Sex is sex is sex? I mean, while that is the prevailing joke, that's all it is. A fucking joke. Being forced to have sex with someone you don't want to is disgusting. Like, when you say "sex is sex", you're probs picturing some attractive like Emma Stone or Jennifer Lawrence- but like, if you just walk down the street, you just wouldn't feel sexually inclined towards like, most of the people on the street. Then even if it was some attractive person- does that make it ok? Nope, not even close. I mean, really, rape isn't sex. It's more along the lines of aggression, assault, exerting dominance.

When you talk about those phrases outside the context of rape, you're like, oh holy shit, isn't that what men are encouraged to do? Like, when someone talks down to me, I gotta "man up" because fuck that shit, I'm the fucking alpha. And I gotta put the fucking betas in their fucking place, because they can't mess with me. If someone insinuated that I couldn't "assert my dominance" or be aggressive and threatening, I'd probably try really hard to challenge that.

It's because I wasn't raised in a world where people told boys "don't respond with aggression, resolve it like a civil person because they're a fucking moron". Really we're encouraged to embrace our primitive instincts, to brawl it out in some ways, and I feel like that makes us more animal and less human. And I fucking hate that, because I thought I was above that. I thought I was smart and well-mannered and mild-tempered. Then you realize it's like, not-okay to be that way, and that's fucking terrible. Most people aren't full of natural aggression, but we can teach it and encourage it and eventually you get someone who throws a ballistic tantrum--- but it somehow still manages to surprise everyone?

So yeah, there are a lot of things I hate about how "men have to be men and women have to be women". As I always like to say, "we are who we are". Apparently it's hard to accept that, and people don't want you to accept that. So you try and change and change and change, but the thing is, whatever you change into is still... you. You never cease being yourself. Some other day I'm going to go into a separate rant about how homophobia is just misogyny in disguise, and how there's nothing wrong about taking it up the ass (if that's what you're into). I'll save it for another day though, because I've ranted plenty.

The Rehearsal

There are some things I wanted to explain, but it feels so difficult to get the words right. I'll just throw them out there, and hope you can make sense of them.

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About two years ago, I was taught a list of ways to demonstrate verbal empathy. The idea was to advance my communication skills and help me establish rapport with others in conversation. It basically came down to me rehearsing a list of phrases over and over, and interjecting the same sentiments where I can during conversation, so that I could check off a box on my list that said "I was an empathetic person". Some items on the list included:

• "I am sorry for your situation"
• "I am sorry you had to experience that"
• "It must have been difficult for you"
• "I can only imagine the stress that would bring"
• "That sounds like an incredibly unpleasant situation to be in"

The idea was to acknowledge the person in front of me and validate their feelings. I had several gripes with the exercise. Firstly, I was not a great verbal communicator. I had problems with performance and public speaking for as far as I can remember, and the event brought me a great deal of anxiety. The problems weren't so much that I'd give a crappy speech or a crappy performance, it was more how overwhelmed I felt and how uncomfortable I was with the proposition. As a result, I tend to rely a lot more on non-verbal cues- expressions, gestures, eye contact. Much easier, much more natural, and to me- I felt much more sincere.

But there I was, in front of a mirror, rehearsing my scripted replies, so that I could pass my examinations. I've never felt so insincere and fake- but then I figured, isn't that how it is for me. I don't feel like I belong here, and the plan has always been "fake it til I make it". This is just the same thing. 

And so I carried on, until one afternoon, I was caught in a situation, where someone had disclosed something deeply personal and private. I was shocked- it was sprung on me (I didn't feel like I knew this person well enough to warrant that kind of disclosure)--- and I had no idea how to respond or... anything. In my almost dumbfounded state, I forced myself to stammer- mostly by ingrained habit at this point- "I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been difficult for you". I don't know much about how sincere I felt in my words- I can't really say I meant them or didn't mean them- my brain wasn't functioning at that point. I wouldn't think I could fool anyone with my awkward, uncomfortable presentation. 

Yet it had the most profound effect. The other person was deeply emotional, but it was like I had uttered some arcane spell, and the seas parted the mountains shifted. Like a stubborn lock had finally given way- not that I was trying to unlock anything- but that's what it felt like. That's when I learnt the power of those words. For all my emotional disconnection- I did a positive thing and achieved results. 

I thought- isn't it just like those fantasy novels I love to read? I'm the young and not-very-bright wizard, the spells are in Latin and I don't know what they mean, but I use them anyway and voila. Except in real life I'm not quite a wizard and my spells are in English- the only thing in common is that I still don't quite know what they mean.

Now, that was all the thought I gave the matter at the time.

Late last year I was in England- and I met this girl who complained to me about the same things I used to complain about. "I feel like I'm lying, because I'm just saying 'sorry' without meaning it", she told me. "Then I just have to say all this stuff, but I didn't think of it myself, I learnt it from a list". What I told her surprised myself, really. I said,

"It's not about how you feel, it's about how they feel. You might not feel very sincere saying those words, but the person you're speaking to wants to hear it, and they are better after the right words have been spoken. Then, because you care for the person in front of you, because you want them to feel better, you say what you know will make them feel better. That's what's genuine about this situation. You're still trying to help someone". 

I feel the situation is fundamentally different from deceit. My concern remains, but normally I would not use specific words to express myself. However, the rehearsed script gives me a medium to express myself, not in a way I'm comfortable with--- but in a way that another person will understand. In the end, it's about communication. 

I wish someone had explained it to me when I started- I feel like I got over it for entirely the wrong reasons, but whatever. I think most people, in their lives, will find themselves in a situation where it is necessary to express empathy of some sort- so I hope my experiences will help you then.

The Danish Girl

After a tiring week of work, I decided to wind down on Friday night. I walked on the beach for a while, ate Pho for dinner and went to the theatres to see The Danish Girl. It's a film about one of the most publicized gender-reassignment surgeries in history. The plot was simple; Einar was married to Gerda, but through self-exploration Einar becomes "Lili", the woman that she felt she always was. This has a toll on her relationship with Gerda, and the  movie sort of goes on about that, and explores their relationship quite well.

I mean, the film was based on historical figures, but the plot itself was fictitious- not that I minded. I was just there for a Friday night movie. To be honest, it didn't stir up much in me- I expected to be a lot more moved than I was, but I think the story itself just didn't feel very... I don't know lol. Eddie Redmayne, who plays Lili, was phenomenal. Holy shit. That level of acting was so scarily detailed, like he wanted to get everything just right. I knew he was a good actor when I watched Theory of Everything, but he definitely amazed me again this time. Alicia Vikander was also great, but the focus was on Redmayne and he played it all.

So the film...

Story 6/10 - definitely better than average, but there were definitely points where it just felt... lame.
Music 8/10 - I fell in love with the score
Acting 10/10
Cinematography -idk lol I'm not a film expert.

I read some reviews of the movie- and people sorta criticized it for not being true to "how it's like being transgender" or w/e- but that's a shitty criticism, because 'transgender' is only one aspect of a person anyway, so it's unfair to expect Redmayne to represent everyone. I mean if you think about it, more people are cisgendered and gee there's variation between one person to the next. Then there's the criticism of "WHY CAN'T THEY CAST A TRANS ACTOR IN A TRANS ROLE". Well, I suppose they could. Or they could cast Redmayne, who's fucking scarily good at acting. I mean, I don't think it's a sleight? I mean it's a different matter if you found someone with white skin to play Martin Luther King, but it's not like you can look and just TELL someone was transgender. It's a film, so let actors do what they do--- act.

Would I recommend you go see it? Well if you feel really disturbed by transgender people or issues----then you definitely should because then it might rekindle your human side you cold-blooded beast. Heh. The movie's kind of confrontational, but I think it's far from a "moral depravity", as it has been labelled by some. I just felt sad for Lili (and Gerda, ofc) for most of the movie, but I wasn't in a mood to negotiate with my sensitive side, which is probably why the movie felt dull for a while. If you were like me, and just wanted to relax on a Friday night... defs not worth it. It'd be a good choice over Valentines though, since it's somewhat emotion-evoking...

Anyway, I'll leave you the trailer, you decide.

Stand

Sometimes you try and get on with your life, but people just want to criticize your effort. "You're not giving 100%" or "that's not good enough". I don't know what kind of amazing person can give 100% every time in everything- I'm sure there's someone beautiful out there who's like that, but that's not me. I find it hard to give two shits.

Maybe it's because I'm that way most of the time, so that when I do give it my best shot, it's still not good enough, Because it didn't achieve a goal, so it's my effort that's lacking. I must be holding back, and there must be some reserve. And I'm so sick of being perceived that way. Yes yes, I know there's the whole "locked potential" and "challenge yourself to extremes", but that's not for me. If I reflect back and say "I gave it my all", then I fucking gave it my all. Within my personal capacity. Whoever wants to compare my capacity to someone else's- fuck off. That's something personal, and while I'm trying to improve, nobody gets to fucking criticize me when I've done the best I could.

Often times in life, I've come across "your best isn't sufficient". I know, sometimes it falls short. My best, sometimes, is rather pathetic, and probably doesn't match someone else's half-assed effort. But you know what? That was my best. That was it. Not saying that's all I'll ever be (that's disheartening), but at that fixed point in time, THAT WAS FUCKING IT. I might get better, yeah, but when you want to lock the coordinates in time and space, that was, in fact, my 100%.

Unimpressed? Fine. Go fuck yourself.

Because my best is all I can give. There was once when I cried over it, and crumbled under pressure. Then, someone dear to me reminded me, "your best is all you can give". And he's right. There's nothing more to be done then, and I can't be worried about anyone disliking me for all the wrong reasons.

I have to stand, so that I can walk on.

Waiting for blood to dry, for wounds to close, for scars to fade-

So that I can remind myself I deserve to be recognized.

And when I stain a page with ink and smear my writing with tears,

I can turn a new page and say, "this is who I am".

Then my scar will become an underline,

Telling the world that I tried to live,

And I lived on that way.