Post Christmas

Sooo what did I get for Christmas- apart from the usual stress of the season and the depressive bouts that accompany it, I had decent presents this year. I got a pair of boots which were kind of cool, and everything else I wanted for Christmas, I bought myself.

...Well I guess Christmas started early for me, since I went on a shopping frenzy since I returned from UK. Around 400 total spent on clothes, shoes, belts, sunglasses, books, games, a new ext hard drive, and a new bag. Aaaand there's another pair of shoes I want to buy next week... my wallet has severely deflated but it's bought me a fair amount of happiness.

I was speaking with my best friend about how I'd become increasingly self- conscious, and I practically have a new wardrobe now. I actually don't mind the fact that I have a lot of clothes- it doesn't feel that way because there's so much stuff that I just wouldn't wear these days.

Then the joy of material happiness ended and I discovered by chance my father had a gambling problem. It almost explains his shittiness as a person. Yeah I can imagine, the stress of losing money, then getting all hopeful, taking out loans because you'll "make it all back in time". Then when it doesn't work out, the natural solution is to throw a hissy fit about how your family just doesn't get you and is unsupportive.

And it's like, why the fuck would we support a gambling addiction. Really.

Then he starts telling me off for not studying enough, not investing my money, not caring about the financial world etc etc. Like, I was decent at maths but I'm not exactly in a finance degree right now, and the only way to invest money is to fking HAVE money in the first place.

Anyway my future is doom and gloom atm- I've originally resigned myself to supporting my parents through retirement, but the prospect of having to pay back his gambling debt makes me want to vomit. I feel so fucking sick right now and it's like, holy fuck I haven't even made any money and somebody else has decided to spend it for me.

I don't even know what to do right now, it's like, hooooly fuck what a mess. I hope I figure something out before life goes to shit, but again I'm at the whole "I can't even take care of myself properly how do I do I take care of other people".

Life is hard. Life is so goddamn hard.

Christmas Morning

We're about to leave the house for some sort of Asian picnic thing, except it's nearing 40 degrees outside and none of it sounds appealing to me, at all. I think I should bring a book to read, at least, and headphones to be on the safe side.

I don't know why but my parents told my sister that presents are only opened on Boxing Day...??? I mean, unwrapping gifts is like, half the joy of Christmas. Maybe they wanted to teach her "the virtue of patience" or some shit, but I feel like it's a bad time for a moral lesson.

Anyway I hope it rains later, because it's hot outside and I don't like temperatures above 26 degrees Celsius.

Seasonal Depression

It seems around every Christmas my life starts falling to shits. Well, figuratively. Nothing is wrong, per se, but I just FEEL wrong. At work (yeah I'm working again, to try and pay off what I call my "gaming debt"), I lied to my boss to cover for a friend, and apparently I got into deep shit. Basically I only have 1 shift next week and it's like, on a day that's not a weekend and not the public holiday, so I don't get extra rates. I guess it's pretty much my fault and I shouldn't be annoyed but I kind of am. Ergh, I was complaining about work taking up my life, but now that I get 1 shift I'm complaining about that as well.

It's like I can't be pleased.

Then, with friends... I don't know, my friends are mostly okay except mostly not. I've found out that everyone over the past year seems to have had mood problems and been involved with getting counselling in one form or another. Well, that's not the bad thing, the bad thing is realizing "wow fucking everyone gets depressed, it's not just me."

Well for me right now it's not so much depression as hyper-irritability. I had laryngitis for a week, and I mean, apart from the constant sputum production and sore throat, it wasn't too bad considering my raspy voice was sexy as fuck. But it's made work hard, and work... has been fine,  I guess, but it's totally one of those "if I had money I wouldn't be at this job" scenarios. Well it's mundane for me to put it that way, since I'm sure that'd apply to most people.

Christmas shopping at least has been all done. I've been doing this really cruel thing where I get my family Christmas presents, except I get my father the cheapest, "tolerable" thing I can find, and I spend hundreds on my mother. I don't think I get much joy out of hurting his feelings or seeing the disappointment in his face, so I don't know why I'm doing this. It's so fucking petty for me to be constructing psychological attacks and using Christmas as a chance to be passive-aggressive.

When I don't like someone, I do bad things. I'm just terrible sometimes.

Actually my relationship with my parents has been really tense. Well, when was it ever not tense, right (hah). I just often find myself asking the question, "if my parents found out I killed myself, would they be sad or would they be disappointed". Well, in truth it'd probably be both, right. I'd like to think they're human and have SOME emotional attachment to me. But the possibility that they might be disappointed more than they were sad really hurts me in a strange way; after all, I've always suspected that they never saw me as a person, rather a valuable investment.

Then because I think of that, I say things on purpose to prod and provoke them. Such as, "I'll never find happiness going to med school and being a doctor" (a complete lie, there is plenty of satisfaction to be found already), and "I'm sad so I don't want to work very hard, I think I'll fail next semester" (not that much of a lie, my scores are atrocious). After that there's the "how would you feel if I dropped out of med school", and today, before dinner I said, "what if I finished med school but didn't become a doctor, and went and did what I wanted instead'.

I noticed both my parents tense up, were silent for a moment, before carefully constructing the words, "well, it's your life at that point". I didn't reply, and I could tell they became increasingly anxious:
-"what would you do instead?"
-"are you really going to just waste all that time?"
-"well you'd HAVE to do your internship regardless" (no lol, I can just get my degree and call it quits)
-"it's not like you can just find a job"

I didn't even say anything through all that, they sort of built themselves up and the situation diffused over dinner. Being overly-sensitive in a useless kind of way, I became kind of cut over how they reacted anyway. It's not like I didn't know they'd respond that way, it's just this masochistic thing I do, where I prompt them to say shitty things which makes me feel shit. It's almost like... a part of me believes if I do this to myself enough, I'll become desensitized to it all, and maybe I won't give a shit in the end?

I do dream of a day where I drop all my baggage and just GO. Go where ever, but just LEAVE. Every year I'm sort of closer to that, and when I move out it actually feels great. I don't like being alone and I don't like being isolated, but it's true that I'd rather be alone than be with my parents... but that in turn makes me feel more abandoned than anything else. Pretty sure at some point I said I'd rather be an orphan... but I still come to the conclusion that, well, being an orphan would be shit, what I really mean is "I want better parents".

...I guess they're not like... terrible, abusive people. I'm just a massive fucking disappointment, the-child-that-was-wanted-until-they-were-born, and it's hard to swallow down the fact that I'll be an eternal disappointment to my parents even though I'm like, doing what they want me to do and I used to think so highly of myself...

Then the people who raised you... you wanna like them or whatever but to them you're forever "not-as-good-as-that-other-kid" and how the fuck can I like people who CAN'T be satisfied with who I am?

/rant

Devil Survivor 2: Record Breaker

Remember how a few years ago, I went crazy playing Devil Survivor 2, like it was the game of my life? Well uh, guess what, they made a 3DS version of it, and because the EU version was released like, end of October when I was overseas, I got my hands on it only about a week ago. I spent like, $60 for the game, which even I think is crazy, but heyyyy it's like one of my fav games ever and I played the original game through 4 times.

So basically that's been the past week of my life. I wake, I play Devil Survivor, it's 4am, I go to sleep, and repeat. Hooooly shit it was exhausting. It was like I was actually fighting demons IRL or something... the story has been exactly the same as the original thus far... I wasn't disappointed though- after all, I'd lost my original save file, and all I have now is this 3DS copy. I needed to rediscover the nostalgia anyway... what made me play the original FOUR times.

As I played through, I realized something- I never actually chose the ending of my favorite character, Yamato Hotsuin. So I basically see him as a giant tsundere (except not really), but yeah he basically comes across as a complete ass--- but what's beautiful in the game is that you can change him as a character. Truly, the character development is CRAZY. You can basically put an end to his sacrificial tendencies (like, he sacrifices civilians, his friends, himself) and "save him" in a sense.

The game posed some interesting questions which got too philosophical for me too quickly. Basically my favorite character, Yamato, wanted a meritocracy, and his opponent Ronaldo wanted an egalitarian system. As the main character, I could choose who to follow, and of all the endings I've played, never have I sided with either side. Even if it's just a game, and I should be obsessed with getting all the endings- I guess I just hated Ronaldo because his whole scheme reminded me of communism, and as for Yamato... yeah it's a wonder I never played the path of my favorite character until now.

Anyway, playing through his story line it basically broke my heart and my feels scattered all over the floor at 4am. Throughout the game he keeps on referring to me as his "pawn" but towards the end he's all "you're my sworn friend because you're the only one who understands me", and I'm just twiddling with my 3DS sheepishly thinking "I don't actually agree with you, I just like you". I'd like to think, if I actually existed in that world, I'd be brave enough to push for my own ideals, but obviously under game scenarios I make terrible choices.

You probably have no idea what I'm ranting on about... if you ever watched the anime Devil Survivor 2... I'm telling you now, the anime is shit. The game went into so much depth about the world crumbling beside you, and I really felt desperate in some scenes, despite it just being a game. The characters had so much background and story... the anime didn't do anything justice and just tried shipping the main character with Yamato to satisfy the fangirls. I mean, I DO appreciate fanservice except in the anime it was just REALLY poorly done. It was like the main character was just a chick magnet and Yamato was a chick--- like, their relationship made no fucking sense, whereas in the game it's like, backstory! character development! logic!

Now I'm playing the new, added story line that only exists on the 3DS port. If you have a 3DS, this game's REALLY worth getting. Game play isn't as exciting as The World Ends With You (I've yet to find a game which tops that) but it's decent and makes me think (sometimes). You can't really one-shot everything (at least not on your first run through), and apocalypse mode was actually kinda hard and I had to use strategy (gasp) to beat some bosses.

Aaaanyway, great game, worth my $60, and I'd happily play this game through multiple times (again). Don't judge the game by its anime, ok? ...I mean the game totally came out first and the low budget 13 or 12 ep anime was just the biggest injustice.

Time in London

So I actually just got back from London- I forgot to blog for many days due to 1. having too much fun in London, 2. actually travelling and 3. recovering from severe jet-lag.

I stayed at a place near Brunswick square- London is the most convenient city I've ever been to. Busy, for sure, but the tube is like one of my favorite things ever. Every 3 minutes, fast, takes me all over the city. I guess it's somewhat expensive, but travel is capped at 7 pounds a day I think, which isn't all that bad in the end. I basically ate food, visited tourist attractions, and exhausted myself every night.

First day in London:
I packed up everything from my room, and caught a midday train to leave the small miserable English town I was in, I struggled to drag my luggage along for a mere 12min walk from St Pancras, before I arrived at my London address. It was a small room, but I didn't mind because it was cozy, the heating was on point and I could wander around in a tshirt indoors despite it being London winter. Rested for a bit, because I didn't know where to go/ how to kill time, so I just enjoyed having fast WiFi and wasted time on my laptop until it was around dinner time. Took the tube for the first time, and decided, "ah, you haven't really experienced London until you've walked the underground which smells like piss and had the pleasure of being squished flat by other commuters on the tube". I mean, it was probably because I traveled at peak hour, but I fully understood why the service ran every 3min, from the sheer volume of people I saw. I had dinner at Flat Iron, which is a steak house that gives you a small cleaver as a knife. I thought it was kind of novel. The steak tasted okay- I finally learnt and asked for medium rare- what came was what I would describe as "medium", but I won't complain. Turns out you should never ask for steak "well done" because what turns up is basically just charred-meat/ash. Then in the evening I went to see Phantom of the Opera--- I've actually never seen it before, and it was a great experience. I have the song "Think of Me" stuck in my head, but heyyy it was a pleasant experience and I'd say it was worth my money. Musical finished at around 9, I went home and went to bed after.

2nd day in London:
I decided I'd go to Madame Tussaud's- that really famous wax museum, where they make people out of wax and it looks real. I didn't buy my tickets beforehand and I probably stood in line for 2hrs. I guess I should've known better- it was a Sunday after all. So yeah that was fucking dumb, but when I got inside it was good again. I was more amused than I thought I'd be, given that they were just figurines of famous people--- but I enjoyed taking selfies and whatnot. Actually I mostly asked random people to take my photo for me, because I didn't want every picture to be a selfie and look like a total loser. I have a souvenir photo from the James Bond display- I figure it's the closest I'll ever get to Daniel Craig. I don't know if I regret not having another souvenir photo taken for the One Direction display though--- but everything's calculated in pounds so it's probably a good thing that I didn't go overboard. I mean, I don't even like One Direction, I just thought it'd be funny.

When I got out of Madame Tussaud's it was like 2pm, and I didn't have much time before it'd get dark. Fuck London winters, man. They're the worst. I walked down the street and visited the Sherlock Holmes museum. It was on--- yup, Baker st. I couldn't resist buying a couple of souvenirs- I liked the TV show Sherlock, at least. The museum itself was kind of boring- but they put a lot of detail in to recreate the kind of home Sherlock would have had, and effort was taken to place things in the places as they were described in the novels. I don't regret visiting though- it's one of those things you should do if you've made it as far as Baker st. It was darkish when I came out, so I took the tube back to Brunswick square and had dinner at the Hare and Tortoise. Nice restaurant, I like their laksa curry (well some review on Google said it was good so I ordered).

3rd day in London - well, it was really Oxford.
I went to Oxford on my 3rd day, travelling from London. I got there and it was miserable and cold and I regretted life. I had gloves luckily, and that made it better but not really. I picked up two souvenir Oxford tshirts for 15 pounds because there was a sale on, and around 15 postcards. I spent like an hour writing out postcards and I was soooo relieved when I finished that task. Visited some colleges (can't even remember which one), took a long walk in one of the gardens in the colleges- they have these nice modern buildings inside as well, and I was thinking I wouldn't mind being there if I studied at Oxford. I gotta say, I liked Cambridge better (I don't know why). Ended up at the natural history museum, looked at some dinosaurs, and I spent a great deal of time working out whether the human skulls displayed were male or female because I recently learnt how to distinguish them. I came out, it was dark, and I got lost. Decided not to have dinner in Oxford, went back to London early, and I have no memory what I did for the rest of the night. I think I was just tired- but I can't even remember whether I ate dinner or not (I don't think I did- I got into this terrible habit of skipping dinner this year).

4th day (last day) of fun in London
I didn't want to do shit. I was tired from before, and actually I was tired from work building up from the week, except I didn't really rest and just traveled a lot. Except it was my last day, I was going to fly out 9am the next day, and there was all this touristy stuff I hadn't done. I went on Google maps, planned out a route for myself and off I went. Google Maps is the hero in my London journey, I swear. It has this function which plans your trip for you if you enter your starting location and destination- I used that soooo much, since I couldn't be bothered to plan everything out down to the minute. I started off at Buckingham Palace- walked there from the nearest station. There wasn't much to see, really. The weather was cloudy, looked like it could rain on my any minute. There was this really cool statue thing right outside the palace though, so I took a bunch of photos and I guess that was all I did.

Walked down the road to Westminster Abbey- I like the architecture. I would've liked to get closer but there was some event going on, people were crowding around, and everything was sort of fenced off. So I walked along to see Big Ben. Well, it's iconic and that was it. Was nice walking along the bridge and getting people to take photos of me though. The London Eye (big ferris wheel thing) was just on the other side. I wanted to ride on it- then on my way it started raining, so I went into the nearest building. Turned out to be the aquarium. That was the first time in I don't even know how long I've been in an aquarium, so I was like, "why not, it's raining outside anyway". Saw some sharks, saw some funny looking fish, and this REALLY cute crocodile.

How fucking cute is that

Then it was feeding time for the stingrays- the aquarium workers gave out cups with bits of seafood that you chuck in. The stingrays seemed kind of chill, just lying on the sand, but this bitch of a stingray decided to bounce up and flap its wings (idk if you call it wings) and splash water at me. Idk if it's trained to do that, and I certainly NEVER expected a stingray to be that theatrical. I mean, it was VERTICAL ffs, and it just decided to splash water over me. Actually it was kind of cute, but it'd be cuter if it didn't flip water at me. Luckily I didn't get wet.

Rain finally stopped after I left the aquarium. Went on the London Eye- good view, would be better with a partner or travel companion. 0/10 romance when you're travelling alone. I was amused for the first 5min and then I just ended up playing on my phone. I took some photos, sure, but that was about it. Didn't feel anything special. Probs because the sky was grey and everything looked miserable. Then as I crossed the bridge to go back, I saw that the clouds had cleared and the sky was a faint blue again--- so if I just waited like another 30min I could've taken way better photos. Oh well.

Had fish and chips for lunch- it tasted okay. I didn't finish eating though, because it was oily and I felt guilty about eating food. I'm like, on my way to anorexia or something. Good ol' weight-loss. Jokes, I'm going into this really body-conscious phase and next thing I'll be wanting is muscle tone and I suspect that I'll never be happy with myself. GG.

I legit can't remember what I did that afternoon. Maybe I just wasted more time on my laptop. I probably just took a break. I know I had to force myself to go out and get dinner, because I was so tired I just didn't want to move. I HAD to go out and eat though, because last night in London and I hadn't even tried all the nice food here. Apparently there's this really famous roast duck place called Gold Mine, but I was tossing up between going there and going to Burger & Lobster. Then I was like, I can get roast duck anywhere, and if I get Chinese food I'm going to want a soup and vegetables along with roast duck, the portions will be too big, my bill will be massive and dining alone just won't work out. Therefore I ended up at Burger & Lobster- had a steamed lobster- it was delicious but it tasted just like crab, so it wasn't that special to me. Had fries and salad on the side- finished all my food because I was semi-hungry and I was done with feeling guilty about eating. Also had champagne to go with my meal- bartender asked for my age but not my ID. I'm surprised she believed my word because I look like I'm 14. I guess 14 year olds don't just walk into restaurants on their own though. 

Because of that 1 alcoholic drink I had, I couldn't be fucked packing, and after my shower I just sat on my bed playing on my phone. That was a mistake, because when I woke at 5am (thx, alarm), I was sent into a packing frenzy, trying to stuff everything in. Luckily the station was close to my residence, and it took me straight to Heathrow airport. Made it for my flight, and slept on the plane.

In summary, London was great.