Q_Q

Due to recently coming to terms with how fucked up I am, I have decided to seek help and arrange counselling. My first stop was my friendly local GP- I needed vaccines for hep A and typhoid anyway, so I thought while I was getting that I'd book in a long appointment and tell him "btw I'm really fucked up". Oh a GP, for those of you who aren't Australian, stands for "general practitioner" which is similar to a "family physician" or just "doctor".

So I go to my GP and tell him my problem in a one-liner, and he's just staring at me like, "uhhhh, have you talked to anyone about this". Having had similar counselling training myself, I was fully prepared to answer the whole spiel of questions. Then my GP was like "here's a support group for you go talk to them". I'd press him further but his body language spoke full rejection (which I am now very adept at reading) so I just left the consult. What I really wanted was a referral to a psychiatrist, because I don't really believe in counselling and drugs are wonderful. Well that's not technically true, clinical psychologists are pretty legit, but I don't want to go through sessions of "mindfulness" bullshit and "you should try yoga or taichi". I mean, I go to med school and I learnt a bit about counselling already, and so far it all seems like... complete, utter, shit.

I'm too cynical for this already.

I can't say I'm too disappointed with how my GP acted. Well, he would have failed by exam standards, with the 0/10 empathy, NO psychosocial assessment (didn't even ask the red flag questions) and what the fuck I didn't even get a referral, not even to another GP. It's like... "dude you didn't even TRY". It's kinda cringey to watch him because I'm in training and I can easily call him out on all the shit he didn't do. Like I said I could've pressed him real hard but I chose not to, because what's the point of prolonging contact with someone who doesn't want to deal with your shit? The frustrating thing is, I totally get where he's coming from. I'm all kinds of fucked up and I guess if I got tossed a patient like that I'd be inclined to toss the case to someone else, too. Not like "I can't handle it" but more of a "there are easier ways for me to live my life and this can be someone else's strife". The shitty part was he didn't toss me to someone else properly, he pointed me to a "support group" and like fuck me I KNOW THIS SHIT, OK. I KNOW "SUPPORT GROUP" IS JUST AN EASY WAY OUT AND A DEFERRAL OF RESPONSIBILITY.

I swear to God if it gets any worse I'm going to go mad. I thought if I held back on my crazy for a bit longer it'd be fine. I mean in 2-3 years I'd be qualified to write my own scripts and I can prescribe myself whatever the fuck I want, but considering I wanted to kill myself with morphine about a year ago, I'm not that keen on self-medicating. I mean, if I ever get to that stage, I'll be THAT much better at knowing which drug will knock me off, and I'll be THAT much better at finding veins, locating the right artery to slice or whatever morbid thing I decide at the time.

Fuck it feels so wrong and I feel so vulnerable going to the doctor to get treatment. Like, I say I want to be a psychiatrist myself- wtf is the point of going to med school if I can't even treat myself? How the fuck do you treat patients when you can't even solve your own problems. The other factors that come into play are like, "I literally know what's wrong with me. I shouldn't self-diagnose but it's not like my doctor knows me better than I know myself. Hoooly shit."

Ah it's ok, it's just another door in life I have to kick through. I get frustrated now and again but I guess this is actually not a big deal. If I tough it out for another 2 years I'll just be ok. At least I've gotten out of the self-denial zone of "nah I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I moved out and everything is fine". If I could forget about this and just live my life... I could be so... happy.

And I was so happy.