Money Buys Happiness

I swear the phrase "money can't buy happiness" is invented by rich people to quash the anger of the lower class, so that they stop rioting about how poor they are. It's such a lie, really. Money CAN buy happiness. It also solves like 99% of your problems.

I bought a new phone recently- after 4 years I think I did quite well--- I'm proud I toughed it out that long. It's a beautiful new phone, the case I got it is ugly as hell but I'll go hunting for a better case later. I was too afraid to use my phone without a case- I know how uncoordinated I am, and I didn't want to end up with a cracked screen the first week into my purchase. I mean, my last phone lasted 4 years without a dent.

So yeah, new phone, I bought myself a new jumper and a few new shirts as well. I've also been eating out quite a bit- so I should probs watch out if I don't want to bankrupt myself. I'm travelling at the end of the year so I'm really looking forward to that. Like... it's actually happening! I'm going places and seeing stuff and I just feel so... alive. Sure I had like a shitty day here and there but the past few months have been extraordinary. Bad things still happen but I'm appreciating the majority of good days I have now.

It's a good time to be alive.

Q_Q

Due to recently coming to terms with how fucked up I am, I have decided to seek help and arrange counselling. My first stop was my friendly local GP- I needed vaccines for hep A and typhoid anyway, so I thought while I was getting that I'd book in a long appointment and tell him "btw I'm really fucked up". Oh a GP, for those of you who aren't Australian, stands for "general practitioner" which is similar to a "family physician" or just "doctor".

So I go to my GP and tell him my problem in a one-liner, and he's just staring at me like, "uhhhh, have you talked to anyone about this". Having had similar counselling training myself, I was fully prepared to answer the whole spiel of questions. Then my GP was like "here's a support group for you go talk to them". I'd press him further but his body language spoke full rejection (which I am now very adept at reading) so I just left the consult. What I really wanted was a referral to a psychiatrist, because I don't really believe in counselling and drugs are wonderful. Well that's not technically true, clinical psychologists are pretty legit, but I don't want to go through sessions of "mindfulness" bullshit and "you should try yoga or taichi". I mean, I go to med school and I learnt a bit about counselling already, and so far it all seems like... complete, utter, shit.

I'm too cynical for this already.

I can't say I'm too disappointed with how my GP acted. Well, he would have failed by exam standards, with the 0/10 empathy, NO psychosocial assessment (didn't even ask the red flag questions) and what the fuck I didn't even get a referral, not even to another GP. It's like... "dude you didn't even TRY". It's kinda cringey to watch him because I'm in training and I can easily call him out on all the shit he didn't do. Like I said I could've pressed him real hard but I chose not to, because what's the point of prolonging contact with someone who doesn't want to deal with your shit? The frustrating thing is, I totally get where he's coming from. I'm all kinds of fucked up and I guess if I got tossed a patient like that I'd be inclined to toss the case to someone else, too. Not like "I can't handle it" but more of a "there are easier ways for me to live my life and this can be someone else's strife". The shitty part was he didn't toss me to someone else properly, he pointed me to a "support group" and like fuck me I KNOW THIS SHIT, OK. I KNOW "SUPPORT GROUP" IS JUST AN EASY WAY OUT AND A DEFERRAL OF RESPONSIBILITY.

I swear to God if it gets any worse I'm going to go mad. I thought if I held back on my crazy for a bit longer it'd be fine. I mean in 2-3 years I'd be qualified to write my own scripts and I can prescribe myself whatever the fuck I want, but considering I wanted to kill myself with morphine about a year ago, I'm not that keen on self-medicating. I mean, if I ever get to that stage, I'll be THAT much better at knowing which drug will knock me off, and I'll be THAT much better at finding veins, locating the right artery to slice or whatever morbid thing I decide at the time.

Fuck it feels so wrong and I feel so vulnerable going to the doctor to get treatment. Like, I say I want to be a psychiatrist myself- wtf is the point of going to med school if I can't even treat myself? How the fuck do you treat patients when you can't even solve your own problems. The other factors that come into play are like, "I literally know what's wrong with me. I shouldn't self-diagnose but it's not like my doctor knows me better than I know myself. Hoooly shit."

Ah it's ok, it's just another door in life I have to kick through. I get frustrated now and again but I guess this is actually not a big deal. If I tough it out for another 2 years I'll just be ok. At least I've gotten out of the self-denial zone of "nah I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I moved out and everything is fine". If I could forget about this and just live my life... I could be so... happy.

And I was so happy.

Happy days

I haven't felt so well since I started uni 2 and a half years ago. I don't know if the workload has lessened or what, I just feel... good. I went and met up with friends for lunch today, had nice food at an Italian restaurant, talked for a while and now I'm back at my parents' place for the weekend. I hope the good mood persists.

I've been listening to random music and watching anime/ TV. Everything's so chill and going so well it's unreal. I don't know why but everything just feels so well-aligned right now, compared to how I felt around a week ago, where everything was slightly out of place. I guess I figured some things out, in the end.

Here's the song I've been waaaay too addicted to. 

ENG version

JAP version (the one I like better)

We are who we are

And we want who we want. Let us be judged by our actions. Loving someone is not a crime. Acting on impulse and hurting those we love, that is.

That's just what I think, anyhow.

Kindness

You know what they say?

"Being kind doesn't cost you any money"

"A small bit of kindness can light up someone's day"

"Kindness saves lives"

There's an old Chinese proverb, "人之初 性本善". On a literal level it means that in the beginning, humans were naturally kind. I wonder if, by interpretation, it means we all grow to be twisted and cruel.

So often, I implore of others, "please be kind".

What does it mean to be kind, anyway? It turns out not many people set out to be unkind. The kindness they bestow, however, is not necessarily desirable or useful in any way. There is no way that kindness comes at a low price- some forms of kindness requires great sacrifice.

Yet there is no way this world would survive without kindness.

Slanted Lines

I can't think. I can't concentrate. I don't even know what's going on in my life any more. There are some strange thoughts that plague my mind that I can't seem to shake off; there is someone who keeps on invading my thoughts and prevents me from being productive. I hate it, I hate it so much.

"Just forget it! Leave them be!" Wise words, probably--- not the most practical advice though, I'm afraid. Were it so easy to just forget someone, I think I would be a much happier person. Lately I've had so many discussions with my close friend about what it means to care about someone. My troubles transformed, from not-caring about someone and thus unable to show concern, to caring about someone I wish I could forget. My life would be easier that way.

Is it too cruel to wish someone out of your life? Yet I know if they disappeared I would grieve for ages and become quite inconsolable. What I need is a healthy dose of amnesia, really. It's almost like I'm suffering from PTSD.

To compound my latest frustrations, I re-discovered my diary which I had not written in for many months. I realized all my previous entries were full of depressing tales, and apparently I wanted to kill myself by overdosing on morphine on New Year's Eve of 2013. It turns out I had gone back to my parents' place for Christmas, my mother said something which absolutely tipped me over the edge, and I became woefully depressed and mildly suicidal. I'm kind of frightened that I thought that way once- since by then I had technically already moved out and everything should have been going swimmingly.

I think I'm just more grateful to be alive these days. I found out about the explosions in Tianjin, China today. That's where I could've gone to uni, really. I could be a +1 to the talley of missing bodies, or among those in hospital suffering from burns, blunt trauma and organ failure due to the force of the explosion. That's me, in a different timeline, living a different possibility. Therefore I should be grateful for where I am now, shouldn't I. Physically capable, clever and incredibly good at being liked by others. Here I am, sitting comfortably, troubled by self-invented woes while thousands of lives are being torn apart on a different continent.

What the fuck does it even mean, to be a better person? There have always been people I looked up to- and I decided I would select their best qualities, and copy them. Since they had these qualities I admired, if I worked towards it myself, I would surely be advancing myself. It's wrong. It's so, so wrong. I had no idea what some people traded to become what I admired. I don't even mean "hard work" and "effort", I mean they suffered, suffered greatly, and perhaps only circumstance forced them to become the person they are. If I had understood the price they paid, perhaps I would not wish to be like them at all.

Nights like these make me rethink my goals for cultivating certain virtues. Virtues are virtues because they are approved by society; flaws are flaws because they do not benefit me. Once in a while I'd like someone to say, "even if your best is not good enough, your best is all you can give and all anyone can reasonably expect from you". In truth, only one person has ever said that to me, Though they are no longer a part of my life, I am so grateful for those words- so when they resonate in my mind, I know it is an echo of words that had once been spoken, as opposed to a device of my desperate imagination.

And maybe on occasions like these- when I've stayed up far too late and feel very strangely depressed, maybe it's ok to print my slanted thoughts onto slanted lines.

Tilted

You know that feeling, when you try doing too many things at once, and everything seems to slot slightly out of place? Like that painting on the wall you try to straighten- and you push it further out of place with your effort, until you leave it dangling more slanted than before. It's a nuisance in terms of aesthetics, but then if you don't let it bother you, nothing consequential comes out of it either.

It's so hard being the protagonist- even in your own life. You keep on trying to be the hero you see, but it becomes so unrealistic after a while. It's absolute bullshit how all these main characters only have one fatal flaw, and how they overcome it with "the power of friendship" or whatever. People are flawed in so many different ways, but flaws are only contextual anyway. One's flaw is another's virtue in a different environment, and sometimes I just feel like my talents make me maladaptive to this timeline I travel.

They say when you love someone, you love them for their flaws. It's not that you don't see flaws, but you love them for it, and accept it for part of who they are. That concept frightens me to no end- if you recognize it as a flaw to begin with, that just means some part of your system have rejected it from the beginning. You can love someone despite this, but when that love runs out, their flaws will surface, and become magnified. It is so much harder to love then. One argument gone extremely wrong will be like a bucket of cold water over your head. "How could I have been so blind? How in the world did I think I could live with that? It's so fucked up."

That's not even the worst though. The worst is when your passion inevitably diminishes, and you must learn to be content with a more domestic, familial relationship. Your partner has to be your friend, your family, and you must interact with them daily. And you watch, every day, as you count up the different aspects of this person that bother you- until one day it crumbles and you can't even begin to explain how you ended up this way.

"I love the way he pouts and grumbles when I win an argument"
---I hate the fact that he never apologizes afterwards

"I love the sparkles in his eyes when he talks about his passions"
---I hate it when he doesn't know when to shut up, because I'm clearly not interested

"I love the fact that he's knowledgeable and mature"
---I hate his jaded personality and how he undermines my optimism

Even then, things are not at their worst. Love and hate, I believe, go hand in hand. They both require emotional investment, they require thought and feeling and even your body will make some response- your heart will ache and your eyes will water. The worst part is when you don't hear from someone for days, but you don't think about it. You don't have these crazy thoughts of "what if they got ran over by a car", you don't worry about whether they're cold, whether they're eating well or wonder if they miss you. You continue with your life and you can't tell the difference if they are there or not.

And it turns out the one line that can collapse your whole world is, "ah, I forgot about you."

Strife

Day 20, my friend is still pissed off at me.

Well, I don't actually know if it's day 20, I haven't been counting carefully. If I had to estimate it though, 20 would be my guess.

Why is she mad at me? Oh I have a few hypotheses. It's either because of the ugly sequelae following that exam she failed, or because I told her to date this guy she doesn't actually like. I'm not sure which one she's more pissed off at, but it's pretty awkward for me right now.

Sometimes I don't think things are a big deal, but it turns out they mean a lot to other people, and the "inconsequential" things I do probably end up hurting peoples' feelings. I don't even realize it at the time, then when I respond it's more "wow that is so fucking trivial, are you seriously angry at me over this" as opposed to just "sorry". It's a terrible way to react, I know.

I'm actually just a shitty person sometimes.

Then the telling her to date a guy she doesn't like thing--- well, I realized this guy liked her, and I thought he was a pretty cool guy! So I was like, why don't you give him a chance (to her) and she got really pissed off. I think it's probably because I keep on making these peer-pressure comments that she gets so irritated. I've since learnt better and I swear to God I will never make the same mistake in the future. Moral of the story kids, NEVER say to someone "you should go out with X or Y" or "you'd make a cute couple" or w/e ---- the comments seem harmless enough but apparently they're really fucking annoying and you could just piss someone off in the process. When you think about it, there's nothing to be gained from your friend either dating or not-dating someone, in fact when they DO date, you'd probs hear all about the drama and then it's just not worth.

Though she is now best friends with the guy that likes her, so I guess that worked out. Or did it? Because she's defs still pissed off at me.

Not overtly pissed--- more like, withdrawn mood, avoidance, and denial of eye contact. It could be depression. I get the feeling that she just wants to be left alone though, so I might just leave it and see if she gets over it. I asked her if she was sad the other day, and she seemed to take offense--- that doesn't mean she's not sad, btw, she's just offended I think she's sad. Women are so complicated, I swear.

No that was a lie too, they're not complicated. I just worked out why she's pissed, so there's nothing complicated about it. I probs just need to man up and apologize for hurting her feelings. She's avoiding me as much as she can though so idk how it's going to go through. I'll do my best.

I hate taking responsibility for the shitty things I do.

Flutter

Having a crush is an emotional roller coaster.

My attention span was pathetic enough as it was. Now studying is near impossible.

My heart skipped when they texted back. Yes I texted first. Encouraged by this, I texted again, and this time it was a 2 word reply, 4 hours later.

I thought, ok, this is the end, was fun while it lasted. I get the hint. Conversation ended.

Then I check my social media page, turns out they added me 8 hours ago and asked, "hey, how are you".

My feelings are reignited.

I swear this is the most embarrassing thing to happen since the crush I had in year 12 (3 years ago).

Yet, I feel alive.

Wait

Do you want to live your life in vain?
-No

Do you want to live a life of regret?
-No, not at all.

Do you want to inspire greatness? Be worshiped by others? 
-Uh, not particularly.

What is it then, that you want out of life? Do you have even a trace of ambition?
-I want to be happy. I have plenty of ambition.

Are your ambitions realistic? Is it that easy to be happy?
-It's never easy being happy. Being happy is my primary ambition.

Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Do you know what it means to be happy?
-I don't like being sad. I believe I have seen enough of sorrow to know happiness.

What will you contribute to society? What will you do for this world? Are you content with being a mere thread in the tapestry of time?
-I will contribute by spreading the happiness I find. I don't know if I will change the world. I am content with being happy, whether that makes me a thread or something else.

In the end, I just want to live.