Travelling is a nuisance

So yes I'm with my brother and his wife now and we're travelling and doing touristy stuff together. Should be fun, right? NOPE, WRONG. When I was younger I admired my brother greatly because he seemed so cool and seemed to know everything- yeah I wasn't the kind to fight with him over stuff since he pretty much gave me w/e I wanted. Now I realized that he's just overly non-confrontational and has many attributes of social awkwardness.

His wife I just outright dislike. I didn't like her back when they got married but I didn't stay for very long; being with them now I'm just like "how do you put up with this shit" to my brother. She has what we call "Princess Syndrome", where you expect everything to be nice and clean and life to be served on a platter. Then when things don't turn out to plan you blame someone and throw a tantrum. So far the victim's been my brother but yeah her general demeanor annoys me. Though I feel like my brother probs likes being walked all over because he handles it without any temper and just brushes everything off... For me it's borderline intolerable just to be near.

Anyway they're both out now, watching sunrise or something. His wife wanted to go out 8pm last night when it was like less than 5 degrees, so she could take selfies by the beach or something... Like, you can't see anything and it's cold af. So she went by herself after a small tantrum, then my brother was like "nope I'm not coming" but ran after her in 5min anyway because he was worried about her. I mean sure that's cute and all but if I had a gf who pulled that shit on me I'd dump her the next day... idk how he jumped to "man, let's get married".

Had to share a room with the last night too--- I mean I didn't think I'd mind since I have my own bed, but then they got up in the middle of the night and turned on the lights at 6 fucking AM, so I'm a little miserable right now. Oh another thing about the two of them- they seriously lack social etiquette. We went out for dinner with my parents and those two literally just sat there playing with their phones--- both of them, at the dinner table. Like idk about your family dynamic but that's sooooo fucking rude, especially when someone's trying to talk to you. Even with my friends- if they're trying to talk to me I wouldn't stare at my phone all day.

Since they arrived I've been with them, since neither of them speak English very well. It's a bit tragic that they decided to come to Australia as opposed to Singapore or something. Anyway my brother's been largely the same as before (except for the phone thing) but his wife seems to have boundless energy and insists on DOING something. Then when she drags both of us out she complains of being tired and w/e and I'm just like "FML". Aaaagh I really don't like her. I'd love to just leave her alone at a shopping mall, but she always tries to drag me around in her shopping adventures- one because my brother just stands outside the store looking at his phone (and I'm not rude enough to do that to a guest I'm accompanying) and two because she wants me to ask this and that of the store clerks, like, "do you have more stock in the back". I had to explain to her that this isn't China and they don't have stock at the back, everything on display is what you get, but she just doesn't seem to remember that fact and asks me to ask them every single time.

So she threw another tantrum last night because we wouldn't go out in the cold and dark with her, then a further tantrum because we don't really have a plan for touring the area. I was like "let's go to the shopping centre, this one's like the largest in Australia" and she was like "NO I DON'T WANNA GO SHOPPING, I'M DONE SHOPPING". Like if that's not Princess Syndrome then idk what is. She fucking spent 10am to 5pm in a single smallish shopping centre back at home, THEN SHE WANTED TO GO BACK TO THE SAME SHOPPING CENTRE THE NEXT DAY. Like hooooly shit kill me. I had to stay with her all this time, of course, but yeah this "being polite" thing is going to be the death of me.

I suggested going to a museum after and she was like, "what's there to see at a museum???" and like WTF IS THERE TO SEE ANYWHERE? WHY ARE YOU SO KEEN ON GOING TO THE BEACH AT 8PM IN WHOOP WHOOP WHEN YOU LITERALLY CAN'T SEE. Fuuuuck she is so anti-tourism it's not funny--- but she still wants to "do" things. I have this feeling that she doesn't actually wanna do anything for the sake of doing it, she just wants to be able to take photos, post it on her social media page and make her friends jealous. But like, YOU CAN FAKE THAT SHIT ANYWHERE. You can fucking take a photo at maccas and be like "#late night maccas because yolo" and someone would think you're cool.

In summary I'm pretty much done with her shit, but I've only been with them for like 3 days. At least now I'm in a diff city but yeah if I had to travel in the future I would rather travel with my friends than with relatives. These people all give me cancer. My brother was the only one in the family I could put up with anyway- too bad he married someone I just can't fucking stand.

Frantic Day

Woke at 8am- had to despite sleeping at something like 3am the night before. I needed to use the family car so I had to drive Mom to work. No biggie- come home, play games til about 11.10. Realize the reason I needed the car was so I could pick up my brother from the station- oh yeah, this is the first time he's come home since he got married etc. Was exciting. Anyway the rain was pouring and it was fucking freezing compared to what it's like up North. Weather was fairly miserable but w/e, gotta go get your family.

Get there, couldn't find parking, so I dump my car at a drop off point and hope nobody minds. Walk out in the rain- my brother's coach is being delayed by 15min. Fucking hell. Go back into car. I see a coach pulling in--- ohhh that must be my brother's coach. No fucking nope, was an empty coach pulling in, ready to depart. Too bad I'd already gotten out of the car a 2nd time to get soaked. Back in the car I go. See another one pull in almost as soon as I sit down- God fucking dammit. It'd be so much better if I could just sit and wait inside the station, but I felt pretty anxious about leaving my car unattended in a pick up and set off zone, specifying "no parking". Oh yeah, I haven't received a single call from my brother, and his plane was supposed to have landed in Sydney at 6am.

Anyway, gotta go and check for the 3rd time- and there they were. Thank fuck. By this time rain's pretty much pissing down from the sky relentlessly and I couldn't see for more than 10m in front of me--- foggy window, rain splash on screen, water splashing everywhere outside--- oh and some fuckers drive around in the rain without their lights on. Was not fun. Got home safely, that was good- but because I had to drive slow-ish I realized I must leave almost immediately for my orthodontist appointment.

Then I got lost on my way to the orthodontist because I took a wrong turn (couldn't read sign because of rain).

Anyway good news at the orthodontist: I can retire my bite plate. He said I didn't need to wear it last appointment, and since not-wearing it I've felt a lot better about this whole braces thing--- but then he said I might still need it at my last appointment. At least now I'm glad there's final confirmation. Too bad my next appointment is scheduled in 10 weeks, so I'm going to need to take a 7hr trip down for a 10min appointment. If that's not miserable then I don't fucking know what is.

Another long drive home- still raining. I was getting really fucking tired at this point, since I was up at 8 and I've been driving here and there for a good while. As soon as I get back--- nope fucking nope my brother wanted to go grocery shopping. Like wtf we have groceries at home? But he said he hadn't eaten, and he outright refused every kind of food I offered him (goddamn) so I took him out anyway. We go into a phone shop to get him and his wife a sim card--- I register it for prepaid and charge it with credit etc. While that happened I was like "hey why don't you go buy your stuff now, I'll stay here and do the registration". Man I regret that now- because after I finished registration I waited like 20min and I couldn't see him. I was so fucking hungry but I couldn't buy food because we were gonna eat together and sadness everywhere. Anyway I see him in Coles (supermarket) and I realize he's bought 2 toothbrushes and a whole basket of chips/ biscuits. I wanted to cry right about there.

Walk out of the supermarket- then watch my bro and his wife deliberate about what food to eat for around 10min. Decide to get sushi- at least they decide what they want pretty quickly. So we got sushi and I thought that was all G- then it turns out they actually want pizza and they want the snacks that go with the pizza and I'm just like "wow what the shit guys". Then my bro's like "heeeyyy should we just get pizza delivered and order at home" and I'm like "uh fine by me but we're already here". Then he's like "hrm what if we order in store now and then go home and get it delivered?" Like broooo do you not remember how pizza delivery works. Why wouldn't you just wait there for the 15min if you're gonna order it in store.

So yeah that's what happened. Then a further 5min of "do we want Dominoes (pizza) or do we want Pizza Hut (pizza) and then it was "what kind of pizza should we get". Like I was so fucking done with everything.

At least they went out with their friend in the afternoon, so I finally caught a break. I didn't eat the pizza because I was still feeling kinda sick from this last time I ate pizza and now I'm just turned off by the thought of pizza in general. Then it got dark and I realized I had to pick Mom up from work as well since I drove her there this morning and there's no other way for her to get home. Good stuff. After I do that she tells me we have to go pick up my sister from her dancing lessons.... so I drive more and wow goddamn I really hate driving.

Anyway now I've settled into a night of video games and feeling depressed about video games. Life is great.

I can't handle stress

The exam is almost upon me- and the closer it gets to the exam the greater my urge is to play the piano or blog or... something. Idk. I've gotten very good at distracting myself these days. A new episode of Game of Thrones arrives today and I can also start watching the new season of Hannibal if I want. Hannibal is legit one of my fav TV shows- I mean I usually like watching sitcoms and stuff but Hannibal is really cool despite all the gore and w/e.

How's revision? Uh, it's getting somewhere. I don't know where, but somewhere. I mean, I HAVE been revising, I'm just not sure I remember what I've been revising. Sometimes I arrive at some sections I have no recollection of- and it's like reading a new chapter. Then I find my handwritten notes on the subject and I just feel so deflated- there's actual evidence that I've studied it before, and written somewhat-logical notes about it--- and that's when I curse myself for my "concision" in writing. When I make my original notes I tend to remember my reasoning behind things so I state simply the consequence and the action. When I see my notes again, I remember nothing and I keep on asking myself "but why???" It's a struggle, really.

I've also noticed my handwriting deteriorate with frustration. At the beginning it's neat and small (ish) to conserve space and ink--- then about 2 pages later I stop caring and my writing takes up the whole line and I run every letter into the other. If it gets later than that I can't vouch for legibility at all. At that point I should probably just stop (if I have trouble reading my own writing) but then I was banking on my unconscious brain to memorize things that I could somehow recall later. They say you can learn stuff in your sleep if you hear it- well if I write enough notes while falling asleep maybe it'd be close enough??? (No I'm kidding, don't follow the advice of terrible time management).

I don't really feel like I need a holiday, to be honest. After all I've had "revision weeks" for 2 weeks and I haven't really done much, so it almost feels like a holiday in that sense. I do miss going outside and going to the gym though- I'm sad I didn't go more often. I'd go after exams but then I'll be travelling for a bit so I won't be back til school starts again- by then my membership would have expired (sad times). It's ok because I've lost a couple of kilos and I feel really good about my body at the moment. At least when confidence in my intellect is on the down my perceived body image is on the rise. Weight loss feels great but if I keep this mentality up I'll end up in anorexia territory some day. How much weight should someone lose to be attractive anyway? I was never "overweight" by medical standards at any point before- I just felt better being a few kilos lighter. Maybe I should've worked on muscle gains instead- but simple weight loss of "not eating" is a lot easier than actually doing exercise.

Actually I recently acquired this problem of being really, really hungry at around midnight. That's usually when I pref to sleep, but I have problem falling asleep because I'm hungry. I can't get up and make food because I want to sleep. Then I promise myself I'll feast in the morning, but by the morning I'm no longer hungry and I'm perfectly satisfied with like, a cup of tea to last me a few hours (until around dinner time). Yeah, this is how weight loss happened, probably.

Anyway there's not much I can do now other than marching forward. I've covered a lot of content that I previously was unsure about, and now I can confidently answer most things, so I'm fairly content. I should probably just take it easy for the rest of the day and sleep early.

Exams are the worst, man.

Still Stressing

Exams next week- feels terrible. On the other hand, holidays next week too- so hyyyyype. Well, not really. I've got a lot of shit to organize in the holidays, so it's gonna be fairly hectic. I probably shouldn't think so far ahead though, since exams are almost here and I'm going nowhere with my revision.

I was doing practice questions last night, and I was shown a photograph of a patch of skin that looked weird. The question asked me to list some differentials of what I thought the skin problem was- so I wrote down stuff like "eczema" and "psoriasis". Turns out the correct answer was a list of different variations of skin cancers- so I'm pretty much fucked in that sense if I can't recognize a skin cancer when I see one. I really hate dermatology to be honest- there is nothing to work out, nothing to help you. I just have to stare at photos and practice your pattern recognition- but everything they give you in photos look so blurry and shitty--- and sometimes it's like- welp idk everything just looks red and angry to me.

I delude myself these days by indulging in video games and drawing- it helps with the stress but it's not going to help with my studies. I really don't want to fail- I don't feel like the test will be TOO hard but at the same time I can't answer half of the questions in these exercises, and it just makes me really, really sad. I don't know how people cope with themselves, having studied all semester--- get to the practice quizzes and feel like a colossal failure because you've learnt nothing and achieved nothing.

All I know is that this is not where I want to be in life- but if I don't get over this bit I can't move on. It's like being stuck in a really hard level of a good video game- you know it's going to get good but someone designed this really shitty platform or something and it's taking you a million tries to scale. Yeah, I just compared my life to a video game- but it makes me feel better in my head to think of it that way. Going through school is just another way for me to "level up", and acquiring items would be like getting a new laptop or a car.

This time next week I should hopefully be feeling a lot better. Wish me luck.