Darkness

The sunlight was pretty weak by 5pm, and it was completely dark at half past 5. I'll confess that I only climbed out of bed at around 1pm, despite having slept at 2am last night. Actually I turned off my computer at 12, I think I just played on my phone for too long before actually sleeping. The reason I'm not actually tired these days is because I don't leave the fucking house. I didn't do laundry because it was overcast, I didn't go shopping because I have enough food to last at least 2 weeks, I didn't go to the gym because it was too cold and I was too lazy. I've made plans to go to school tomorrow, despite not having classes, just so I can see some people and maybe finally motivate myself to do SOMETHING.

I've tried to revise but I think I've just lost my ability to concentrate. My attention span is so short, I can't read for long periods, I can't write for long periods--- I can't fucking do anything. I swear I've read the same chapter about glaucoma 3 times now- and I still don't remember much about it. It's bad for the eyes. I bet I'm not even going to get tested on glaucoma. I'll be asked about some stupid obscure eye condition that I can't remember the cause or management of.

I also can't find a good study-music play list. I have my compilations of music from over the years, but they all sound distracting or annoying for some reason. When it's silent I get the urge to open the music player to browse my library. It's really, really terrible. Like, I just stopped writing to go on youtube 2min ago. I can't even blog without getting distracted.

I don't think my holidays can come soon enough. I don't really feel burnt out, no, but I do feel like the days drag on, and I kind of just want it to end. Nothing's particularly stressful but nothing's particularly exciting, I'm just dangling in infinite limbo of "nothing". I was a little stressed a while back, when my assignments all crashed in at the same time and I didn't sleep all night at one point, but afterwards I was fine and I sort of went back to my old routine of not doing work etc. Sure I'm behind in work and all that- but I don't really have that sense of urgency or anything. I think it's because I took my work-experience as a mini-holiday, and felt pretty good there despite being busy all day.

I have a lot of plans stacked for the holidays- I was going to meet with friends, get KBBQ, go karaoke, marathon an anime, take my sister out to see another kiddie movie and catch up with my brother. He's coming over to visit with his wife, which is pretty exciting. I think I've been missing him ever since he moved out. Now I guess I've moved out too, but then we all go back home at the same time and he's bringing is wife around it'll bring back memories. Not that we had the best time of our lives back then, but I think it was a time of our youth that we cherished. I'd like to think that maybe in another 5 years we'll all meet again and this time I'll also bring someone home. It'd be nice.

I'm so young but some days I feel so old. Or maybe it's like, I actually want to be old. I don't remember having the "I wish I'd never grow up" phase. I said I wanted to be sheltered for the rest of my life, but that's not the same as wanting to be 10 forever. I know I've wanted to leave the house ever since I was 16, but now it's like, 5 years later and my resentment has died down to almost non-existence. Still I want to "grow up" faster- I want to graduate, like the first day I started uni, I wanted it all to be over.

People from China all tell me to enjoy uni, that it's the prime of my youth and the best time of my life. I don't think they understand that China and Australia are quite different, and I really haven't found "friends I'll keep for life" at uni. It's more of a "we get along" kind of thing. They were shocked to hear that I didn't live on campus--- and I was telling them that it was more expensive to live on campus than off campus- apparently living off campus is a rich-people-luxury thing in China. I don't think I'd enjoy the idea of sharing a tiny room, sleeping on a bunk bed sharing with 3 other people I never met but will be forced to live with for the rest of my uni experience. They say THAT fosters bonding and closeness and w/e, but I'd rather make friends with common interests instead of the "you're trapped in here with me so let's be friends" kind of situation.

I'm not being terribly coherent. I mean, I can write better, I just don't really want to put in the effort right now., When I blog 90% of the time I write how I'd speak. Actually I don't even think I can speak that well- ever since I've gotten braces I developed this really disgusting lisp. It's more subtle now but I can  still hear it, and so I speak slowly and deliberately to try and avoid it. Through that my entire speech becomes strange and some days I just feel kind of miserable. Braces are most definitely not the happiest things in the world. I do smile more now, which is cool, but the braces make me look extra-juvenile (to white people, at least) and I have a hard time convincing people that I'm not 14. I have this racist theory that white people just age faster than Asians so they look older, and then Asians just look younger than their white counterparts at every age.

Anyway, I digress. I should probably get back to studying anyway. Take care.

Vane's 2nd World Problems

The hot water tank broke at the place I'm renting, we've had no hot water since yesterday morning. Realized the tank was overflowing, so we turned the tap off and the power. That was with the help of a chatty old neighbor, who couldn't get over how upset his South Korean daughter-in-law was over her exams, so he told me all about it. Then it dawned on him that I was Asian and there was a chance that I might also be South Korean, so he stopped mid sentence after "I can't believe she cries every time she gets lower than 95---"

So yeah I took my first cold shower last night, and found it to be one of the most unsatisfying things in the world. I started hyperventilating because I gasped for air every time the water hit my trunk- and I didn't wash my hair. I contemplated not having a shower tonight because of how miserable I became last night, but I felt really gross and remembered I didn't wash my hair last night.

As it turns out cold showers are more tolerable if you dive in head-first. Since I decided I had to wash my hair- I did that and then the rest of my body just randomly became de-sensitized to the freezing water. I might also mention that it's late autumn here in Australia, but the temperature where I live is definitely reaching winter levels. It was cold af but I had a proper shower, but it felt like it took forever to get the shower gel off my skin.

After great suffering of this second-world tragedy, I surmise: cold showers are comparable to most other miserable things in life; you dive in in head first and hope you don't catch pneumonia.

I want food

I'm really full from all the misc junk food I ate today, including crackers and chocolate and cookies and apple pastry and w/e the fuck I can't even remember. So come dinner time I actually want some nice food and the fridge is full but I'm also full so I can't eat

I have the biggest craving for chicken wings right now. Not KFC, but like, Asian-fried chicken. And I want fish tofu. I want...

• Garlic prawns
• Roasted sweet and sour pork (no, not the shitty one you get at the Chinese takeaway)
• Steamed fish
• Clear soup
• Wontons
• Spicy hotpot with shredded lamb and beef and octopus and fish and wombok
• Italian sausages
• Fried egg
• Pad thai

I think I'm just craving salt in my system... I think the only thing all those foods have in common is that they have salt in them... 

I hope I get some appetite back tomorrow morning... I'm going mad with this craving.

The Almost-Exam-Procrastination

It's upsetting when you come back to your blog and realize your last post was about how bad you are at managing diet and nutrition. I say this because I just drank a can of Pepsi and ate 3 profiteroles.

I've been feeling sleep deprived since Monday... and to be honest I have no recollection of what I did on Sunday. I think I slept really late for whatever reason, but had to make an 8am lecture. Then I decided to go practice some stuff for my practical exams, and felt exhausted Monday evening. Actually today's on Tuesday... but it feels like Wednesday to me. I don't think my memory is fantastic right now. I was at uni til 9pm last night. When I finally got out of bed at quarter to 11 this morning I still felt sleepy. I couldn't stop yawning in our afternoon lecture.

Since then I've basically sat on my computer and browsed Reddit. I watched the latest GoT episode yesterday and felt pretty traumatized. If you don't wanna get spoilerino'd you probably stop reading now.

Basically GoT is into its 6th episode of the season, and I feel like the story line has progressed very little. I've always disliked the Stark story line and felt that whatever happened in King's Landing was way more interesting. I think King's Landing battles are the only highlights of the show for me most of the time- and it was the only redeeming feature of last night's episode. Some weirdo-cheesy stuff happens in Dorne, none of which I care for. What was kind of horrific at the last scene though, was when Sansa Stark got raped on her wedding night by Ramsay Bolton, while he made Reek (ex-Theon) watch. Some of the book-readers have told me that what happens in the book is way worse; apparently Ramsay has Reek "prepare the bride" by having him perform cunnilingus, and then his dogs rape his bride. Then again Sansa doesn't actually marry Bolton in the books- but that doesn't really redeem anything, does it?

Anyway it was great acting by Alfie Allen, apparently looking at his traumatized expression made it all the more traumatic for me, personally. I guess my empathy is still pretty intact, and when I look at someone in that much distress I feel pretty distressed as well. In summary, totally traumatic scene, traumatic episode, traumatic show... I won't stop complaining about how everything I ever watch is just getting too- real for me.

Ah I finished watching FMA Brotherhood a while ago? Did I mention that already? I probably have. Still not as good as Code Geass. At least that had a happy ending where everything worked out. That's sort of what I want in my shows though- main characters survive and they're not like... psychologically scarred too badly?

I still remember back in February, when I watched Shawshank Redemption for the first time- it was actually such a brilliant movie. I saw it had high ratings on IMDB and wanted to catch up on a bit of culture. Anyway, I was sooooo surprised by the ending. The bad guy dies, the main character and his friend make it to the end, they live rich lives and it's a happily-ever-after sort of vibe. I felt kind of sad that I was surprised by a happy ending- it's like, "woah I've become so scarred and jaded that I only expect tragedy?" I don't like being called naieve but sometimes I think I do prefer to live in a happy world where the worst thing that can happen is getting rejected by a crush or having it rain on your picnic day.

I guess what I'm essentially saying is, I only want to deal with first world problems in my life, and maybe knowing about the world in general would make me a better person, but if I could be a spoiled brat I'd go for that instead. I want to blog about how Apple products have a longer battery life but they totally suck in terms of functionality, I wanted to talk about how my converse sneakers are getting dirty but I can't be bothered to wash them, and how I want to buy the new Samsung Galaxy S6 but I won't have the money until after June, and then I might be tempted by a different phone.

Now that I think about it- life is actually pretty simple if you do nothing but study all day, and the worst thing in your life is the fact that exams are coming up in 2 weeks. I AM living the high life, aren't I?

I'm so dumb lol

I was late to class this morning, I didn't eat lunch because I went to the music room to play piano instead. I came home after dark, starving, then ate a whole rack of pork ribs for dinner. It didn't taste very good, but now I'm so full my stomach actually hurts and I have this pressure in my chest that makes me want to vomit.

I wish I made better decisions in life.

Justice vs Compassion

The headline that's been big in the Australian news lately- execution of 2 prisoners by Indonesian authorities. These two were drug smugglers, got caught, landed in prison and met death by firing squad a few days ago. The whole incidence has been named "Bali Nine" (you can read about it here). Basically all the rage is about actually imposing the death penalty, because the death penalty doesn't actually exist in Australia and Indonesia is not doing itself a political favor by executing Australians, drug smugglers or not.

There are a couple of arguments against the ruling of death for these men; first and foremost is of course the sanctity of life. It's not like you can un-kill someone once they're dead, either. Then the other argument was an appeal for compassion: these men were apparently reformed in prison, they made their mistakes when they were in their twenties (holy shit, that's like my age) and it's been a good 10 years. While I personally believe people should be held accountable for their crimes no matter how long ago that shit happened, I think this line of appeal makes sense as well. Then people bring up examples of how other criminals are given lesser sentences for crimes worse than drug smuggling, and how the death penalty on these men are unfair.

Having grown up in China, I never thought much about the death penalty. If you don't know much about China... let's just say it's never won any awards for respecting human rights. In my childish mind nothing seemed odd about killing someone for their crimes... I mean people died everyday for shittier reasons, so the concept of life and death had little meaning. I don't think China as a country was too far removed from its imperialistic roots, despite naming itself "The People's Republic". 

Then I did the rest of my "growing up" in Australia, a nice, liberal first world country to directly contrast the values I've been given. Suddenly killing people for any reason seemed rather abhorrent, because it made little sense to end life if you had not given life in the first place. And even then the anti-abortion movement is strong. Then given my chosen profession I'm obviously a little bit more keen on this "preservation of life" thing than other people- granted most people would be very keen on preserving their own lives.

The bottom line is that I oppose the death penalty for anyone under any circumstance. I mean there are psycho killers and child rapists out there, and then you think maybe even a death sentence is too little. From an objective standpoint though, I just want to point out that killing someone doesn't really make anything right, and it doesn't fix your problems. Death does not equate to justice, at all. Death is just fucking death- like, you stop thinking, your body shuts down, nothing's left except a couple kilograms of carbon and whatnot. This is why Death Note didn't work out- Light couldn't actually make people decent people, he just ended up killing everyone. Not many people realize, but killing someone off actually costs a lot more money than keeping them alive...

The trigger than prompted me to write this post- last night on Facebook a "friend" of mine "liked" a post that was basically mad a news channel for calling the drug smugglers "our boys". It was like "real soldiers out there died and they don't get fame and you're calling a bunch of fucking criminals 'our boys' wtf". I think in light of the events which transpired the post was totally unnecessary and really salty... Like, are you jealous of these people's "fame and glory"? The legacy they tried to leave behind was one of solidarity; I think the ACU named a scholarship after them. I know it boggles some peoples' minds that it happened, and they think we're essentially glorifying a bunch of criminals and that dismisses the services of everyone else to this country... but like, grow the fuck up and get the fuck over it. It's honestly better to remember something positive than something negative. Maybe you wanted to use these guys to set an example to your kids- don't fucking smuggle drugs, right, but that's just fear tactics at work. Anyone can see that the story of repentance and spiritual salvation is better than "drug smuggling = death".

I'm not actually religious by the common sense of the word, but my beliefs do align with a lot of "Christian values". Actually a lot of those I think are fundamental to human decency- and I spoke a lot in the past about learning to forgive, though forgetting may be impossible. Yes drugs are bad and cocaine ruins lives- but where the fuck did society go wrong, to generate a demand for cocaine? Where in our education system did we go wrong, to encourage two young men to smuggle drugs? They were around my age back then- they could've been at university procrastinating and blogging, but instead they were out there doing something despised by society at large. It's so much easier to pin the blame down on an individual, but we are all sums of our circumstances.

Not that the drug smugglers aren't at fault- like I said, one bear the consequences of their actions- and what they did was fucking retarded. I just find it disgusting that people got upset about calling them "our boys" and upset about how others were sad for them. Yes, these technical criminals are "our boys", and at the same time they are "our shame", "our regrets" and "our failings as society". Claiming ownership for our citizen's wrongs doesn't seem to be over-stepping the boundary at all.

As to comparing the media attention of the drug smugglers to servicemen- look, the only thing these people have in common is that THEY'RE ALL DEAD. Remember what I said about death? Death is just fucking death, and that's it. Deaths only have meaning and value when the living decide to assign it. We honor the deaths of servicemen to this country by getting on with our fucking lives, because that is what they sacrificed for. We honor the deaths of two previous drug smugglers by acknowledging that the death penalty is problematic, that repentance is possible, that we as a society has made mistakes and raised criminals, and yeah smuggling drugs from Indonesia is a fucking terrible idea.