Feminism

It's been a very long time since I've wrote something substantial- so uhm, here goes. Feminism- the trigger that brings this topic to mind is the very recent speech given by Emma Watson at some UN conference or rather. Yeah, Emma Watson- that really hot girl from Harry Potter. Who'd have thought she'd be able to give such a moving, well thought out speech- right? See- there's the problem already- I was surprised by the delivery of her speech because I thought she was too pretty to be that sophisticated. And goddamn that alone makes me a terrible person.

Well I won't bash myself too hard on this issue- because I judge men an women alike, by their superficial appearances. Surely that underpins the idea behind feminism. Can I call myself a feminist yet?

Seriously though- it's a great speech, and she's a great orator. I don't know if she wrote her speech herself; and if she did then she deserves more respect than I've given her. Even if she didn't- she's still damn well accomplished. And though she was capable of a multitude of great achievements- I've decided to label her as "the hot girl from Harry Potter"- as if there was no other notable adjective to use to describe her.

What do I consider feminism to be though? For me- actually, let me digress a little bit more. I fucking hate that word. If someone says they're a feminist- it immediately leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I know people are criticising me when they say I'm anti-feminist: and I didn't mind, because I hated what feminism stood for. By the books, feminism supports the equality of men and women. That women should be offered the same job opportunities, that they should be paid equally for doing the same work--- and I mostly support its ideals. But when people apply the word "feminism"- they don't mean that they support gender equality. It's more of a "I'm going to be loud and high pitched and feed more into the 'women are irrational bitches' stereotype, and I'm going to DEMAND your respect because I have tits".

So I really hope you watch Emma's video. In her opening sentences, she really addresses the issue that I've been facing. I refuse to be labelled as a feminist and I refuse to be associated with its movements, simply because I fear that I'll be grouped with the ranting and raving fanatics that should really be kept in a circle of their own. Like I said- feminism is a terrible word. For a word that is supposedly meant to represent gender equality- it already claims a female perspective. No- that's not the way to go. If you want to promote equality, then you grab a neutral perspective. I don't think feminism should be a thing- where you go to extra effort to make sure you treat women nicer. No, you fucking go to the extra effort to treat EVERYONE nicer, because that makes you a decent human being.

I guess I prefer to support humanitarianism, and would rather be called a humanitarian.

Emma's speech is great because she addresses the fact that feminism is about men and women alike (I still fucking hate that word, but I'll use it still so we stay in context). Men are also prey to gender stereotypes- and goddamn I know that very few of my friends give enough shits about their health to go to the gym. No, they gym because they want muscle because that makes them more of a man. And that's kind of terrible but I won't stop them, since going to the gym is way better for your health than spending time at the club trying to pick up genital warts. The reason behind it is worrisome, that's all.

By Emma's definition of feminism, I would no longer like to be seen as an anti-feminist; but at the same time I am still vastly hesitant to rant and rave to the world that I AM a feminist. I think the attitude still perseveres where being a feminist means a woman shaming men and lecturing them about the patriarchal flaws of our world, and how women have been imprisoned by men for too long, yada yada. You know, women limit themselves as much as men do. They say, well, only men get these jobs, so I'm not going to apply. They say, well, only men are good at maths are physics, so I'm going to get an art degree. While there are grounds to justify their statements- their mindset fuels this self-perpetuating cycle of female oppression- and it really is partially their "fault", too.

And you know- I hate to play the blame game. I hate questions that ask you to figure out: "well whose fault is it?" No- I prefer to look at it from a different perspective- the perspective of "why didn't it work out?" Now these questions might seem similar enough and may even have the same answer- but the change in attitude is necessary. I don't want to blame men for female oppression from historical times to present- and I most certainly don't want to blame women for it either. It's the "fault" of society, and by society I mean everyone within it, myself included. We don't think about these things, or we think and refuse to act on these things- or we act in a way that doesn't change anything. We can't find a solution if we're still stuck in the past, demanding to be repaid for the sins of generations before, wanting retribution for times gone by. I mean, an admittance of past mistakes is good- but what we need is a future.

In that future, I hope that people will be recognized as people, and be treated kindly by each other. I hope we will learn to accept each other as male, female, and everything in between the gender spectrum and beyond. When it comes to not-being-a-douche, gender doesn't really factor in. I will argue, however, that there are differences between genders, and rather for those differences to be exploited like they have been in the past, I hope that the differences will be recognized, acknowledged, and accepted.

So I will try to end on a very pedantic note about semantics- "gender equality" is also a terrible term. The majority of men are physically stronger than the majority of women, that's why work requiring heavy physical labour contain workers which are predominantly male. That's not sexism, that's more biology and economic efficiency. To ignore such differences and demand "at least 50% of workers must be female" is absolute bullshit. No, how about you have a model where both men and women are allowed to apply, but let whoever is better at the job come through. I'm going to wager that most of those people will be male. Still not sexism. No, sexism is where you bar women from applying at all, because of the majority of men are generally physically stronger than the majority of women. A meritocracy is the way to go, folks.

Anyway- what I'm saying is- don't ignore the differences between sexes and genders. They are what they are, and they exist so we can define such things as sexes and genders. Don't sweep them under the carpet of "equality"- embrace them, acknowledge them, and apply them to what is maximally efficient. We don't need everything to be the same, we need everything to be as fair as possible. Which is why "equity" is a much better word. A woman is not the same as a man, after all, but yes you should still be decent towards them, regardless.

There you have it- at the end of this long article, I conclude that I still do not like being called a feminist or a supporter of feminism. I support gender equity, and I support humanitarianism. I also approve of the "HeForShe" movement, because under all that linguistic mumbo jumbo the pedant in me does not approve of, I understand the spirit and philosophy behind it, and I agree it is a very valuable cause for the better future of our society.

Just another typical conversation

Mom: hey what's the difference between your iPad and a laptop
Me: a laptop has more functions
Mom: so they're the same thing
Me: no a laptop has more functions which means it does what an iPad can't
Mom: well I think they're the same thing

And this is why you don't buy an external keyboard for your iPad, lest your mother think it's practically the same thing as a laptop.

OH THE DREAD

Shit--- what have I actually done. My fingers were literally tingling after I clicked the "confirm" button on the webpage. I just spent 1.5k ordering a new laptop. Not the gravest sin, not even a jaw-dropping price for a new laptop- but the focus here is on how broke I fucking am and the fact that I'm currently blogging on my functional laptop which is only 1.5 years old. Holy shit I don't think I've ever spent that much money in one go.

...And it sounds so pathetic when I say I've never spent more than 1.5k on a single item. Goddamn I hate being poor. Well- I guess I'm not like... desperately poor- but at the same time it's like... WHY. WHY did I just do that.

Alright actually that's not even rhetorical. I'll tell you why. It's because my goddamn laptop overheats and it's not even getting better after I bought a cooling fan. Cooling fans are cool, but apparently it's not cool enough for my laptop to play games. And why the hell do I need a laptop if I'm not going play games. My brother bought me an iPad, after all. I could literally do all my work on my iPad if I wanted. I bought a keyboard for it and all that.

Anyway, my mind can't rationally justify the fact that I just spent 1.5k to play games. My current laptop is enough for essay writing and whatever else the fuck I do. Nope, not enough. I decided games would be worth more. Holy fuck I'm so addicted to gaming. And I hate myself for it. And I'm giddy for my laptop's arrival. It's hopeless.

Welp, I hope it arrives before school begins.

Magic in the Moonlight

I have something terrible to confess- I started wagging my classes again. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do it- not after almost failing last year- but today I woke to my alarm, then blatantly ignored it. By the time I woke again I was already late for my first class- and I wish I could say I felt guilty but there was a distinct lack of remorse. I simply went back to bed, tuned in to the current LoL relegation tournament that was being played, and skipped the remainder of my classes.

The good news is that the team I was rooting for didn't get relegated, despite being down 0-2 in a best of 5 series. I was rather shocked with the way they mounted their comeback. Those were some pretty good games.

Though I don't think it was worth me not going to class. Absolutely dreadful. I wish I had more discipline. When I was in college, wagging wasn't a thing. Like, people talked about skipping all the time, but the thing is, you failed if you skip enough. Except now lectures are just these things which are there- but they're boring, and there's nothing against you if you choose not to attend. I'm just frustrated that I woke up early enough- set my alarm and everything- then crashed back into bed.

Setting that ugly stuff aside- I went out to watch a movie this evening. Yeah yeah, what a terrible person I am, complaining about all this "work" while skipping lectures and seeing movies with friends. Blergh. Anyway, I didn't pick the movie- I didn't know what we were watching and I didn't care. My friend asked me if I'd like to go see it, and off I went. When I bought the tickets I found out with was called Magic in the Moonlight.

I found the story to be absolutely delightful. The cinematography deserved some praise- the setting in particular, was so beautiful. I can't figure out if they built very fine props, or if it was all natural, or if it was simply the green screen. Either way, it was marvellous.

One of the main characters was played by Emma Stone. My friend who I saw the movie with had previously told me of his obsession with her, and how she's his ultimate fantasy. I'd searched up images of her then, and found her to be decently attractive but nothing extraordinary. This movie changed my mind entirely. She is HOT. Well... more than hot... "hot" is such a contemporary term. I think what I'm trying to say is... she was breathtakingly beautiful. I had never seen a girl quite so pretty. She was just such a fabulous fusion of some of my favourite traits- she had a slender figure like Keira Knightley, but she dressed in that 1920s fashion and carried herself so delicately- her back slightly arched but not slouching- argh, I don't know how to describe it further. Here, have a picture.

Or you know, have more than one picture. She's gorgeous.

All in all it was an evening well spent- the movie was quite excellent, too. I thoroughly enjoyed the plot, and Colin Firth, who played the protagonist, did so very well. I don't regret seeing this movie at all- and in fact, it's one of those movies I'd like to have, just so I might watch it again some day.

So if you're seeking to be entertained by something quite light-hearted, I'd definitely recommend Magic in the Moonlight.

Pressure Cooker

I was wasting time on the internet, when I came across a Frozen gif of the animated snowman saying, "some people are worth melting for". The notion is so romantic- and I thought, "I wish I had someone to melt for".

From there I somehow came to the conclusion that--- like it or not, we're all melting regardless- albeit much slower than a snowman. The pressures of this world are eating us raw, and gnawing on the bones underneath our exposed and festering wounds. I don't know if it's fair for my woes to compete with the woes of the third world- I have food, water, electricity, an education- and I'm not really fearful of dying of AIDs or Ebola the next day. For those of us in the first world, who have had their basic tier of needs satisfied, I feel like we are more plagued by abstract concepts conjured by our own minds. Once you become educated you start questioning things like morality, religion and philosophical value- and you sort of get tangled once again as you try to figure out right vs wrong, whether God is real and whether your reason of existence is valid. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I'm looking at a chart for Maslow's Hierachy of Needs, and I don't think I agree with his tier system completely. I concede that physiological needs must first be satisfied- but beyond that I think the pyramid loses its definition, as people want different things and you can't really apply this model only when it suits you. Is self-actualization even a real thing? Why bother having theoretical concepts if it is never to be achieved? I suppose it acts the same way candles work on a cake. It looks pretty, and the cake's value increases. When the cake is eaten, however, the candles go into the trash and you kind of wonder why we went there in the first place.

This has become a really weird rant. Maybe because it's past midnight and I haven't started on the many pages of tutorial notes I need to write by tomorrow. My creepy landlord is upping his creepiness- and he's complaining about our power consumption. Why did I ever think it was acceptable to live with a landlord in a cockroach infested house in the first place? Never mind that though- I have to deal with the phone calls from back "home", where my mother is constantly pressing the matter of whether or not I'm depressed, because I sound depressed. Look, I use the word "depressed" very freely and I mean it in a non-clinical sense. If I had clinical depression I probably would've never graduated. Just because I get driven up the wall and feel terrible at times doesn't mean I need to be interrogated by my mother on whether I'm depressed or not. It adds to my frustrations. So what, hypothetically speaking, if I was depressed? What's anyone going to do about it? I'm not going to break down so I can get attention and sympathy- I want to try hard enough to pass my classes and learn to enjoy life. I'm not saying depressed people are trying to get attention and sympathy, by the way--- I'm just saying that if I said I was depressed, it'd simply be attention seeking behaviour as opposed to anything else- I don't even meet half the diagnostic criteria.

Between dealing with my ever-annoying landlord who is harassing my house mate and I about this and that, as well as my slowly but steadily growing pile of school work--- I think it's an absolute wonder that I still find time on my hands to ponder if there is someone out there, worth melting for. You know... if breakdown is inevitable, and our icy structures will be reduced to no more than a puddle- it would be so much more heroic to meltdown for someone or something. Is that how all Great People achieved things? Melt for the world around them before they were slowly evaporated?

Oh lord this is a strange night.

The World Ends With You

The World Ends With You (TWEWY) is one of my favourite games, by far. I say this because after completing the entire story, finishing the noise (monster) catalogue and collecting every single item there is, I chose to buy the iOS version and now I'm replaying it. It's been so long since I last played this game though, I'm hit by surprises at every corner.

Surprise 1: the game is sooo fucking hard. I didn't realize, because I'd clocked so many hours on it and I became obsessive in collecting items/ pins (weapons), that I essentially had a very OP set of everything. As soon as I restarted, I found nearly every single boss fight to be impossibly hard and it took so much more skill than I remembered. What do you mean I have to TIME boss attacks and REACT? Why can't I just finish the boss off in 3 hits or let him hit me for 0 damage?

Anyway despite my complaints I'm now onto the last boss fight of the main storyline... and the game's been getting easier as I go on, because I remember all the little tricks from my previous run so it's been ok. The only thing shitty about today was how my iPad crashed in the middle of the boss fight- but I was knocked back to the beginning of the sequence because I have to fight these 3 figures in a row. That told me that I should probably take a break- but I was kind of mad because I wanted to witness the end of the story once again...

Playing this game has got me thinking again... This isn't one of my fav games because it's simply "fun"--- the storyline was kind of deep. I feel like I'm like the main character, Neku. I'm not as anti-social or emo as he is, but we both have the same problem with not being able to "enjoy the moment". For me life is a matter of finding the shortest distance between A and B--- everything which isn't a straight line is simply a waste of effort. I want efficiency, and I want speed. I enjoy the philosophy of enjoying every moment of life, good or bad, and getting all you can out of the experience- it's just something I haven't quite learnt to do.

When I moved away to this university I felt sad for a long time. While I enjoyed getting away from the nightmare that was my parents, I left a lot of things. The possibilities of my future had become limited- before I graduated I could've been ANYTHING, but now I'm going to med school. A shitty 2nd tier med school, at that. See, even now, I don't have many kind things to say about my school. I didn't have fun at all. People were congratulating me on my degree but I felt dirty simply mentioning my university. I dare say 95% of the people out there will simply think I am too entitled and I really need to get over myself- but a few of you will understand what I mean, and how I feel about this situation. It's... difficult to describe, really.

Anyway- I had left behind a school I was proud of, my favourite teacher (who gave me advice on what was best for ME, and only ME), my best friend, and really an entire community of people. I know it sounds kind of cool to be able to rebuild yourself around a new group of people and "start over"--- but I'll tell you what, starting over is only fun if you royally fucked up the first time. If you're like me, who actually did alright and was generally happy with their identity- having to start again is really another crisis in itself.

As you know I dealt with my depressive period by playing A LOT of League of Legends. I don't really regret it, since I met one of my closer friends through LoL- but whilst I was playing LoL I really wasn't responsive to the people who were physically there, with me. Sure I had people to hang out with--- but I always had it in my mind that they weren't "my kind" of people, that we couldn't really get along. I guess it was a self-fulfilling prophecy in the end, since I subsequently lost contact with some of the people I hung out with last year.

Now I've come to realize that I'm still a really lucky person, and that nothing's really changed. I've never thought about it before, but even at this 2nd rate uni, I still have friends. I wrote somewhere that to meet the friends I met in college was something so rare, one would be lucky for it to happen once in a lifetime. I think I'm luckier than most, and once again I've met people who I trust will take good care of me. There's this friend of mine... who surprises me almost every day. Every time I think I've got his personality figured out, he says something which throws me completely off balance. He introduced me to his new flat mate the other day- he'd been talking about this "new boy" for a while now. I wondered for a while why this new boy intrigued him so- and I understood that he wanted me to meet the new boy because the new boy's English was bad but I could speak his native language. When I met his new flat mate I must say the guy was completely underwhelming. A little timid, a little unkempt, and his voice sounded utterly nervous- like he was on the edge of a breakdown. And I recalled what my friend told me- he talked to the new boy because he knew what it was like to be stuck in a foreign country and not speak their language- and he wanted to make him as comfortable as possible. It's a wonder to me, even now, what people do for other people. I didn't think my friend was the extra-bubbly type who volunteers at charity events--- and he's probably not. I guess I was just surprised by... how kind he actually was. We live in a world where kindness is not taken for granted- it's sad, but it also means an act of kindness means a lot more when it does occur.

Then I realized how lucky I was, to have someone like that as a friend. Knowing myself, if some new kid moved into my block I would most likely watch them struggle while I went about my own business. Sure I'd say hi when we brushed past each other--- but I don't think I would go to the length that my friend has gone to. And I wish I was that kind- and so I'll learn from him, and I'll try my best, too.

For someone who spends so much of their time feeling sad, I really am a very lucky person.