Hah What Am I Doing

It's past midnight once again and I can't believe I'm still awake and blogging. I told myself I'd be awake before noon tomorrow but since I'm still awake now that was obviously a big fat lie. I also said I'd do work but I haven't really written anything- I've just been reading past notes and figuring out that I've forgotten like 90% of what I've learnt.

In my boredom I've changed the template to this blog once again. Remember how last time I changed the template I said I wanted something less depressing? Hah the irony was that I changed it to like the most depressing image there was on blogger template. I'm so fucking bad at this "let's not be depressed for x amount of time!" thing.

So it's really cold and I have the heater running full power- my landlord is probs going to be really mad about his electricity bills but idc. Out of sheer late-night loneliness I struck up conversation with my ex-room mate who I haven't seen for like a year and a bit, and it turns out he's generally happy and has a girlfriend and for some reason I end up asking him for relationship advice. He proceeds to tell me that I need to lose weight otherwise I won't attract anyone, and I tell him it's pointless because I'll just get dumped if I ever gain the weight back, and he then whips out his theory of "no first impression is really important, but if you get fat afterwards they'll already be in love with you so they won't leave you"--- and I'm just all "I guess I kind of believe that but I think I would dump someone if they were fat so his theory isn't very reliable".

Anyway the conversation quickly deteriorates to him calling me fat and me telling him he's too skinny. I don't remember how it ended but I resolved that I will not lose weight due to having a normal BMI and then I just randomly started talking to another friend. I look at the time and it's like 1am so that's when I realize I really wasn't going to get any work done.

I actually spent most of my day learning how to read an ECG, you know. It's a more difficult task than I imagined- I thought it was just a bunch of squiggly lines but it's like, really fucking complicated and you have to do all this graph analysis and it just felt like I was back in year 12 chemistry class, being bored to shits while staring at charts I didn't really understand. I just hate how there are so many different names for so many ambiguous things and I don't even know wtf is up. Like, why the fuck would you want to describe something as regularly irregular or irregularly irregular? Think about those terms- wtf does it even fucking mean?

Anyway I'm up at like 2am talking to my friend still and I'm at the stage where I think I've finally worked out why I'm still single after all this time. She related to me how she actually got together with her boyfriend, and going through her story, I identify all the points where I would've given up if I were her. I summarized my primary problems:

1. My pride and ego is just MASSIVE. If they don't like me I won't allow myself to be stuck in a state of unrequited love for too long.
2. I refuse to do anything if I know they like someone else or is dating someone else. That goes against some vague moral code of mine, and also because I'm too proud to compete.
3. I refuse to change myself to suit their tastes because I refuse to acknowledge any vague insecurities which may exist, also because I'm fucking fabulous and I don't want to go down the hole of feeling inadequate because too many times I feel that way already and I don't need another added blow
4. My standards are too high. Way high. Higher than the fucking sky. 

And yeah with that I've pretty much explained the reason for my state of being perpetually single. Thinking about it, it might not even be a bad thing- to remain single, I mean. I'm just at that stage in life where I'm obsessed with finding a partner, mostly because everyone else is doing it and then the other part is because I get lonely sometimes. I think if we fast forward another 10 years everyone would be obsessed with their careers and what they've achieved and I could then have something more to gloat about. Or we could be at that stage where my friends all have kids and they start comparing and I'll realize I'm still single. Either way, I feel like it'd be better to move forward, because being stuck in this stage of life is really fucking awkward. What, uni years are the best years of your life? Bullshit. Absolute, fucking, bullshit. I'm buried in work like I always was, I've made close to zero friends and I'm certainly not having very much fun. I know life is not all about fun or w/e but if you're not having fun what is the point of being alive? I'm not self-sacrificial enough to exist for the sole purpose of other people's happiness.

Once again I find myself yearning for the future. Time cannot past fast enough.