When a pessimist meets a greater pessimist

I've long been criticized for my cynicism and pessimistic outlook towards this world, it was refreshing to find someone who thought I was passionate and idealistic. I soon realized it was merely the contrast I provided- when you're surrounded by darkness the light of a candle might as well be the light of a solar flare.

For a moment I understood why some people hated my attitude- goddamn it was depressing to be around someone who found life bleak all the time. All I was trying to do was to get through my day with as little injury as possible, and here was this guy forecasting the suffering I will go through. Among his many wise words was the phrase "we were born to die", which I found most depressing, not only because of the nature of the phrase but because I had thought that multiple times myself. I didn't want to tell him, "hey man, you don't need to tell me these things, because I already know and I already think it on a regular basis". Instead I tried to explain to him the ideology I was trying to live by; the thought I clung to which prevented me from suicide.

If you look at it from a literal point of view, yes, we were all born to die. To this day, death remains inevitable and there is ample reason for why we could not live forever. It would be depressing to watch the ones you love age and die, one by one, even if you could remain healthy and youthful for all of eternity. Even in some fantasy scenario (if you had read Twilight, for example), where you and your beautiful vampire boyfriend lived forever, I still believe it would be non-sustainable (as you need to derive joys from more than one person in life).

Why do we bother living then? Why not kill yourself now versus dying of heart failure 70 years later? The meaning of life is not a question I am prepared to answer for anyone else other than myself, but for me it's a matter of happiness. Happiness is transient, and we need to experience a great deal of grief before we can realize happiness by contrast--- yet in the end, that is one experience I choose to undergo. Right now I am young and healthy--- I want to enjoy the energies of my youth, I want to walk the streets of foreign lands with my stable feet, and want to see the bright colors of the Earth with my 20/20 vision. I still want to know what it feels like to love and be loved in return, and I want to struggle through my med degree til the day I'm weathered and pretentious like 90% of the surgeons I've ever known- then I want to brag about how I'm the best at what I do, how my patients love me and how interns these days are just too fucking weak since they can't even handle a 72hr shift with no sleep and no food.

Actually now that I've made my sarcastic point: what the fuck is wrong with these people expecting doctors to run 72hr shifts? Like, just because you've suffered through it doesn't mean you have to be a vindictive asshole and hope everyone else goes through it. I hate how people say how unfair it is---- THERE IS NOTHING DESIRABLE ABOUT EQUALITY WHEN IT COMES TO 72HR NO-BREAK SHIFTS. Holy fuck I suffered severe stress, mild depression and spontaneous insomnia during my college years, where all I did was wish the world ended one day or wish I had died the next. Just because I went through that shit doesn't mean I wish that amount of mental stress upon anyone. If someone got a high mark than me in college, going through less trauma--- THEN GOOD FOR THEM. I don't need other people to be in distress to validate my personal existence. I can take care of myself and other people can sort their own shit out.

Back to my original topic about this pessimist I met: I can actually name many factors that make up his personality. His background, his occupation, his social situation are all HUGE risk factors for a "really sad person to be around" but I think I actually adore him. All he does is tell me depressing things, but I actually like him. I have not liked anyone else in the world in such a way, since my maths teacher in college (who I think saved me from hell). I wonder if it's because I went through that "my father is dead to me" phase that I start looking for male role-models in my life to look up to, and I like them because they're the surrogate to parental-love which I crave. I've said many times that I like being liked, and I think that applies universally. Even if I don't like someone I wish they liked me anyway. I'm selfish that way.

Why do I like this pessimist so much? Because I actually agree with his views and enjoy being depressed in harmony? No, that is not the correct answer. I like him because he thinks I'm the happier, cheerier one out of us, and I like deflecting every shitty thing he says about life in general. It's one of those "pointless arguments" that aren't actual arguments, I'm talking back because I know he doesn't actually believe what he's saying, and I think he's only saying these things because I'm trying to look on the bright side. For me, it was like... he wanted someone to tell him that he was wrong, for someone to say "hey life isn't as shit as you think it is"--- and I wanted to be wanted. I'm not very good at explaining this right now- and I'm sure I could be more eloquent if I tried, but basically the net outcome was that we were both very psychologically satisfied.

I knew for a fact that I was liked, and I knew for a fact that he enjoyed my company despite not wanting to admit it to me. My friend, who is still recovering from a heartbreak from years ago, told me this, "she told me she needed me and that fucked with me". Now I fully understand the power of feeling like you're needed in this world. Even if in my case it was non-romantic, I think it's definitely one of those things that make you want to keep on living. Many times you hear stuff like, "I'm not doing this for myself, I'm doing it for someone I love", and I sorta get that now, the thought behind it. Being needed gives us value, it gives us identity....


and I believe the happiness it gives becomes my raison d'etre. 

Got Results

So I found out I passed last semester a while ago, but recently I got actual feedback on how my test went (in terms of marks). And OH MY FUCKING GOD it was disgusting. I had 3 fields which I did alright in, everything else was just a total disaster. 30%. I answered 30% of questions correctly in one section. Fuuuuck.

I can't believe I didn't get a borderline warning letter after performing so poorly. Did I just do nothing the entire semester? Is that what happened? How the fuck did I even pass with shitty marks like those?

It's Thursday afternoon right now though, and I really can't be bothered stressing out about results now. I mean, it's in the past, I can't change it, and every semester it's a fresh page so it's not like I can even rectify my mistakes, since we're doing something new anyway. Great, isn't it.

TBH I just want to watch a movie and play some games. I watched a Korean movie called Twenty the other day. It was actually, like, really, REALLY good. I don't think I've seen such a good movie in ages. I think it speaks true about our generation, and one of the characters reminded me soooo much of my friend who got cancer. Actually thinking about that makes me sad again. Goddamn this is depressing.

I guess I'll just take it easy for the rest of this week. Next week I'll be back at school, and I'll work hard to catch up on everything, I swear. Failing is the last thing I want to do.

Conditioned

Even if you've almost forgotten now, if you've loved someone in the past, hearing that they've been hurt will stir a familiar pain in your heart.

And I despise that.

The Rare Weekend

I have work to do. I have a lot of work to do. At the same time I'm once again stuck in a small country town with no mode of transport. I seriously don't know how to get from A to B other than by foot. I have no real food apart from what I can buy at Coles, but idk if I wanna buy like buy all this shit to cook; I'm only here for a couple of days and I won't be able to finish all the ingredients and I won't be able to take anything back with me.

So yeah I've been feeding myself baked pastries and roast chickens- I bought some apples so I'd have some decent fibre in my diet but yeah I know I'm eating like crap. I'm kinda craving cabbage and broccoli and I almost never crave vegetables, so I figure my body is trying to tell me to find some decent food. I'll probably just go out to eat one night when I get back to the city so I can eat some vegetables again.

I've pretty much wasted all of today doing absolutely nothing. I DID however watch another episode of Hannibal and my heart kinda broke when Will said "I won't look for you", and Hannibal ended up turning himself in. Actually the show's kinda fucked up- but idk why it's my kind of thing. I'm not really into morbid stuff but I guess I do like psychological thrillers. If you don't watch Hannibal, I think you should because it's an excellent show. I hear it's getting cancelled though, which is really, really sad because a fourth season would be amazing.

My days are pretty uneventful. I haven't really made any friends but I like the people around here. The only problem I have with my accommodation is how it runs out of hot water every night, so I have to shower before 7pm or risk showering cold. I think Thursday night the water was cold again and I just gave up but felt absolutely disgusting the next morning. Ofc I didn't wake early enough for a morning shower since I needed to get out of the house by 7.40am. Turns out getting your shit together is only easy in theory but not actually realistic.

On a side note, I realized I have this terrible habit of trying to find out something about someone, but I'd never ask the person themselves. Like, I'd be wondering what someone's favorite color is, and instead of asking "hey what's your fav color" I'd kind of take note of the color of all their accessories and figure they probably like green. Or if I wanted to know their birthday I'd stalk them online as opposed to asking them... Maybe I'm just too shy, but I think it's because I don't want to commit to forming a relationship with anyone despite being curious. I think when people think you know them, they expect shit from you, and I find that kind of awkward. Then again I am kind of awkward so maybe that's why.

Geez I'm a mess. Alright bed time. Night.

Oversensitive nose

My vision is declining as I play more games, my hearing has always been selective, but my compensation with oversensitive smell is not really desirable. Every time this guy walked passed me today I can smell this scent- idk wtf it is---- cologne? Deodorant? Shower gel? Whatever the fuck the smell is, it reminds me of sex and I felt so gross because my mind is like "this person is not sexually attractive" but my nose sends some part of my brain into overdrive and it's just "pin him down" and like NO WTF DON'T DO THAT BRAIN.

So yeah couldn't focus all day due to this, since we were in the same room pretty much. Maybe I should sleep more than 6hrs... I think when you don't get enough sleep my conscious mind stops working and my subconscious mind is pretty much an asshole that wants to wreck my life.